Chaos Elves: 1: Furby

I have two of these tiny elves of chaos living in my home. Males. The tallest says he’s 9 years old; the little one claims to be 6. They call me “Mom” and look just like me.

Weird.

They are mostly smelly and surprisingly destructive. The objects they destroy seem to have no premeditation behind them; it’s random. Primal. However, at times they can be unpredictably sweet. But you must be wary of the sweetness: the elves are very manipulative. They want things, like toys and candy. **DO NOT GIVE THEM CANDY**

The small one received a new toy yesterday – earned it with good behavior. Or so he tells me. He picked out a Furby. (get a gander at this thing) I realize now this was out of spite. He’s freakishly smart and vindictive. I have so much to learn…

This Furby – which he named “ToTo” – (that’s not annoying) sounds (yeah, they make noise) suspiciously like Jodie Foster in Nell. (Go ahead, press that. I’ll wait. No really.)

I want to drive over it in my car. Repeatedly. Back and forth. Over and over. I want little tire tracks on its head. I don’t feel bad about it, either. Not one bit. Its eyes follow me. IT’S ALIVE.

12 comments

  1. My daughter had a Furby when she was little. When she got sick of it, it ended up in her closet under a pile of stuff. Whenever I dug around in there looking for an errant shoe or mitten, that evil effer would groan and let out a satanic “furbish” version of *I love you*, and I would crap my pants a little.

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    1. YES, Karen, omgosh! That’s what I’m talking about! They show up in weird places and you move around them and their eyes just open and they start talking shit to you….THAT’S NOT RIGHT.

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  2. Omg its alive reminds me…Elmo…so my son had an Elmo cash register. Had, until the dog decided to pee on it so I tossed it outside (it being both the dog and toy). It mumbled,pizza two dollars, for a few days straight. Fast forward a few months…it has started up again, only randomly and our large german shepherd is scared of it. Its….alive

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  3. Haha – so glad I came here. It is ALIVE – it is. It’s a freakish, vindictive, alive thing that watches you, shouts unexpectedly when you walk by and sings at 230 am. And now my son wants one too, so they can play together. NOOOOO!

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