Fly’s In The Buttermilk, Do Not Shoo! Fly On The Wall!

WELCOME to a Fly on the Wall group post! Today 14 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes.

Fly on the Wall

Come on in and buzz around my house (SCROLL DOWN), see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

Baking In A Tornado
Just a Little Nutty
Follow me home . . .
Stacy Sews and Schools
The Sadder But Wiser Girl
Menopausal Mother
Moore Organized Mayhem
The Insomniac’s Dream
The Momisodes
Spatulas on Parade
Searching for Sanity
The Rowdy Baker
Writer B is Me
Sorry kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others

*A FLY ON THE WALL – TELIHO STYLE*

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The actual conversation (if it indeed qualifies as such) that occurred this morning on the way to school. Myself and my two boys. To makes things easier (and protect the obnoxious), I’ll use their nicknames, D-man (9yo) and Cheesy (6yo):

D-Man: I HATE school. I can’t believe I have to go back to that awful place. I HATE third grade.

ME: I know it’s tough, buddy, but you can do it. Just hang in there. Things will seem bet–

D-Man: –I talked to this older kid and he said he hated third grade the most. He said it sucked out of all the grades.

ME: What older kid?

Cheesy: Do rabbits have penises?

ME: What? Wait, D, what older kid did you talk to? How old?

D-Man: Thirteen.

ME: Where on Earth are you talking to thirteen year olds?

Cheesy: MOM! Do rabbits have penises?

D-man:  On Xbox. Hey, did I tell you my dream about the robot?

ME: Yes!

D-man: I already told you about my dream?

ME: No. Rabbits have penises.

Cheesy: And balls? *lots of giggles from the back seat*

ME: *sigh* Yes, if they are boys.

D-Man: So this giant robot made of Minecraft brick comes crashing out of the ocean….

Cheesy: Does Milo have balls? (our dog)

ME: Well, uh, he did. I mean, yeah. But he’s neutered. *immediate regret* rewind rewind rewind

D-Man: ….and then he twirls this snowman monster thing over his head….

Cheesy: He’s noonered! What does THAT mean?!

ME: It’s an operation dogs have so they can’t make puppies. please Lord get me out of this

D-Man: …..smashes this grey pile of ash that sprays up and blows the robot’s head off……

Cheesy: I thought only girls made babies?

ME: Cheesy, I can’t do the birds and the bees right now. Let’s tal—

Cheesy: BEES HAVE PENISES TOO?!?!

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I’m home alone about 10AM. Kids are in school. Hubs calls.

ME: Yes? How may I help you?

HIM: Whatareyoudoing?

ME: On the computer. Whatareyoudoing?

HIM: I called to give you a couple reminders.

ME: Great. You know how much I like that.

HIM: I thought you might. I need you to be sure and take the ipad mini back today and see if they can replace it. The boys can’t be playing on it with that crack in the screen.

ME: Uh-huh.

HIM: And it would be great if you returned that hat to the party store before someone ruins it.

ME: Yep. That would be great.

HIM: And while you’re out, you should take your car to that place I told you about and get the oil changed because they’ll also wash it for you and your car is disgusting.

ME: My car is fine.

HIM: Your car is awful, Beth. Are you going to do any of those things?

ME: I will only commit to putting them on my list.

HIM: Your list.

ME: Yup.

HIM: And you’re going to put oil change on your list?

ME: Probably not.

HIM: Why? I don’t understand what the problem is…

ME: You know I hate going to the oil change place. I designated that a man job long ago.

HIM:

ME: I find it very sexy when you do man jobs.

HIM: Reeeealllly. Well, now we’re talkin’. (I can actually hear him smiling)

ME: *eye roll* it’s so damn easy

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It’s past bedtime. The 6yo comes downstairs with what appears to be glitter and a piece of paper and approaches me at the couch. I’m limp with fatigue,  and no longer care if anyone is in jammies or has brushed their teeth. I have deferred to daddy and am attempting to escape reality by engrossing myself in Twitter and Facebook a book on orbital mechanics. Yet here is a child in my face with craft supplies.

6yo: Mommy. Mommy. You know that thing where you put glitter on the paper and shake it off and it makes dots?

ME: Uh-huh.

6yo: Can we do that?

ME: Absolutely not.

6yo: Whhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy?????

ME: What do you mean why? You’re supposed to be in bed, young man. It’s late. And we don’t even have glue.

6yo: Yes we do. *disappears around corner*

He’s out of sight, therefore, officially out of my mind. This is a bad thing, because approximately 11 minutes later, Dad calls from upstairs wondering where the 6yo is. It’s about this time that I realize glitter boy is sweeping the kitchen.

You’re smart people. You know my child spilled glitter everywhere. But what I need to explain to you is this was not ordinary glitter. This was *special* fine-as-powder-fairy-dust glitter that I bought for a specific teacher craft last year, WHICH IS WHY IT WAS HIDDEN UPSTAIRS IN MY OFFICE WHERE HE GOT IT, THE LITTLE BURGLAR. You can’t even tell any is missing from the vial, yet it is every-fricken-where. No, really. You don’t understand. I can’t envision a scenario where this glitter will not be a part of our house for the rest of our lives.

But, let me tell you something. His glitter picture? AWESOME.

38 comments

    1. Replied to you and sent to another Fly-er on accident. ANYway, yes, I’ve had many convos where I wished I had just kept my mouth shut and not said something that caused an avalanche of more questions! Happens waaaay too much!

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    1. I know! I swear on the short little drives up to the school I feel like I’m in a video game; me a ship being bombarded with missiles from two attacking vessels, and it’s my job to dodge them. I.always.lose. Ha! Thx for reading!! 🙂

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      1. I think my last comment was meant for Karen, sorry about that–my bad. She was saying how she wished we could rewind those runaway kids conversations! But, yes, over sharing when writing a post is almost always GOLD! lol.

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  5. I’m so glad you’ve joined the Fly fun, Beth! This was the first post I read today and I’m already laughing like crazy. You captured the whole delusional husband scenario perfectly. Loved the whole post!

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  6. Oh WOW. And I really like your approach to the Man Job – I did that to Husby only this morning with an unfortunately backed-up toilet (what IS it with living in a first-floor flat? Never had this problem in a house…) Well. I didn’t. Not exactly. I didn’t think he was sexy for unblocking the thing, but I mighta used my best ‘woman’ voice and batted my eyelids. And perhaps there was a dance involved…

    Um.

    ANYway.

    The conversation with your 6 y/o was PRICELESS. What a persistent little guy. I’m not looking forward to having these conversations with Neff, once he’s 6!

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    1. Oh yeah, Lizzie, get ready for some pretty awkward questions from you Nephew!
      And good on you for getting your hubby to do man stuff around the house using your womanly influence. Gotta do whatcha gotta do, right? Lol.

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    1. Yeah, when I was driving home (with a blinkless stare) my only thought was, “this has to be my fly on the wall post. THIS is what my life is. Whirlwinds of nonsensical conversations.” LOL.
      Thanks for reading!! 🙂

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  11. We have a glitter ban in effect around here because of a similar explosion.
    Good news is that five years later and my husband usually makes it to work now, glitter free. 🙂
    I totally pull the same thing with my car guy.
    Not my department, I just drive it.
    Loved this!
    You’re family is a riot!

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    1. “glitter ban”!! YES. That’s what I need to do – STAT. haha! I hid the *special* glitter, and by hid it I mean buried it in the back yard. And by back yard, I mean field at the end of our block.
      Thanks so much for reading!!!

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    1. Squeeeee! Hi Katie! Thanks for hopping over here and reading! The more I hop around your site the more I see we have in common. You’re awesome! (did I just in affect say I’m awesome? That was weird. Was I supposed to use Effect or Affect there? damnit).

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  17. Awwww. Now I see. Thanks for letting me know. I so wanted to leave a note here. Your conversation with your kids was hilarious. Those are my favorite ones. I remember many when my kids were that age and it is probably good there was no internet in those days. But laughed all the way through this. Thanks for stopping by Out One Ear and sharing your link. Tell your friends. I want to meet new bloggers. And I new bloggers to meet you. Have a great Sunday.

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  18. You are so sweet and I’m so happy you found my comments section. 🙂 I love that you graciously allow me to share my posts on Sundays! count me in, always. I will tell others fer sher! Thank you!

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  19. HAAH glitter sucks. And is perfect, all at once. I love this…and have not yet had some of these convos but know they’re coming…you. You Are Awesome and why didn’t I know about you before, anyways????

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  20. Because I’m a teeny, tiny fetus blog, but I’m working on it! I’m glad you know about me now! I LOVE your blog, you.are.hysterical. Thank you for reading and complimenting mine. Made my day. Seriously. 🙂

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Speak to me! I wanna hear ya!