*Gasp* Paparazzi Are At My Door!

Welcome to the Secret Subject Swapiversary (Happy 1 Year!) hosted by the amazing Karen over at Baking in a Tornado! You’re in for a treat because this is also a Blog Hop, and Best Swap Post Contest! WOW! This week,12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My secret subject was submitted by Jennifer of Outsmarted Mommy. If you haven’t visited her blog before, do yourself a favor! She’s hilarious!

My subject swap: you wake up on an ordinary day. When you leave the house you see people following you with cameras everywhere you go. You slowly figure out you are famous but don’t know why. How does the rest of your day unfold? Why are you famous? My response is just under the list of links below.

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and have fun reading! Please come back to any of the swap posts tonight after 8:00PM Eastern time (through Sunday) to vote for your favorite Swap post and join in The Blog Strut linky party!

Baking in a Tornado
The Momisodes
Just A Little Nutty
Moore Organized Mayhem
Crazy As Normal
Searching For Sanity
Home On Deranged
Dawn’s Disaster
The Insomniac’s Dream
Outsmarted Mommy
Black Sheep Mom
Writer B is Me

It’s 5:18AM. Far too early for life to begin. I squirm into my sports bra and wrestle workout clothes onto my tired body. With one eye open, I shuffle down the hall into the kitchen, mix and force down my protein-powder-water breakfast, and feed the dog. I grab water, keys and phone and exit quietly.

BLAM! A light flashes right in my face. I instinctively flinch, cover my face with my hands. BLAM! POW! More flashes. My water bottle hits the ground. I fumble for the doorknob and rush back inside.

What. The. Hell?!

I peak out the narrow side window. There are SUV’s parked down both sides of my block. As my eyes adjust, I can see figures in my yard, on my sidewalk, on the street. All with cameras.

Did something happen? Was there a crime? What were photographers doing in my yard? Maternal instinct sets in. With no regard for my own safety, I walk right back outside to find out what the hell was going on.

BLAM! POW! “Beth, can we get a few words!” a camera man says holding a microphone in my face. FLASH! “Beth, over here for E News!” SNAP! POP!

ohmygodohmygodohmygod  A sick pit swells in my stomach as realization sinks in.

 They’re here for me. And I know why.

I can’t allow my family to find out this way. I have to get out of here! I put my arm in front of my face and make a dash for my car. They follow me like a swarm of bees. I elbow my way into the driver’s seat, and with shaky hands, turn the ignition. I drive, parting them like a herd of buffalo, and make my way down the street. Headlights shine in my rearview mirror; they’re following me!

I floor it and haul around the corner, flying through alleys and side streets in the dark. Finally satisfied I’ve lost them, I whip into a stranger’s back driveway. Good thing I still have my cell. I need to make a few calls. There’s only one reason I would go from regular, everyday housewife to front page news…….

Sex tape.

I’ll be honest, part of me always thought this day might come. I mean, who’s stupid enough to video hot romps with an up-and-coming musician? Apparently I was, but that was a-g-e-s ago. We were young and in love, and it was before he was a “celebrity”. Before I married someone else and had a family. How did it get out? Who leaked it? Surely not HIM! No way he’d want the world to know he’d ever been with a regular woman, a NON-LINGERIE-MODEL! *gasp*

I close my eyes and nod. This is really happening. My face is splashed all over the tabloids by now – my whole life is changed forever. My entire family’s lives. MTV will want to interview me. TMZ will stalk me for months, maybe even years. I’ll be a household name!

I dial the phone. I know who I have to warn first.

“Mom? Yeah, I know it’s early. Yes, everyone’s fine. Hey, you know that Kardashian reality show? Well, get ready, ’cause that’s about to be our life, but less Armenian cat fights, more Irish sarcasm. ANYway, want me to bring the corn at Thanksgiving? Hello?”

“Mom?”

Secret Subject Swap This has been a Secret Subject Swap post! Don’t forget to check out the other fantastic links, and be sure to swing back by any of our blogs Thursday night after 8:00PM Eastern (through Sunday)  to vote for your favorite Swap post and join in The Blog Strut linky party! Woo Hoo! Thank you, Karen! You Rock!

37 comments

  7. Yes! Loved it, Beth. And, I think I know who the up and coming musician was, you naughty thing you. LOL. Funny enough, I think Mathair would’ve actually welcomed the shutterbugs and fame. Probably would’ve had t-shirts made too. 😉 Great post!

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  10. Oh my word, too funny! I did not see sex tape coming! Your poor mama….Thanksgiving will never be the same…

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  17. Lol…that was a great read to start my otherwise dull morning, thanks girl 🙂 thankfully making a sex tape was the only horrid thing I didn’t do when I was young, well not that I know of anyway…

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