Secret Subject Swap.
This week 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.
My subject is: pick an entry from the police beat section of a newspaper (print or online) and write the backstory leading up to the actual event. This prompt was submitted to me by Alicia of Moms Don’t Say That. Thanks for the great prompt, girl!
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12/4 at 4 p.m. John Chukoda, 32, was arrested on Riverside Street by Officer Charlie Ried on a charge of disorderly conduct.
It’s an arrest that happens thousands of times a day all over the country. But not like this. Because on this day John Chukoda was arrested in Portland, Oregon. This is how it went down:
2:29 p.m. Officer Charlie receives stress call that a male customer in GRASS restaurant on Riverside Street is causing a disturbance. The officer begins to pedal his bike to the scene.
2:34 p.m. Officer Charlie stops to let chickens cross the road. To get to the other side.
2:43 p.m. Officer Charlie arrives at the scene and speaks to the manager of GRASS. Manager explains the suspect has upset his waitperson and surrounding customers by getting increasingly belligerent about the menu options. The suspect seemed distracted by the androgyny of his waitperson, and his/her many tattoos and piercings.
2:50 p.m. Officer Charlie speaks to the man in question. Suspect’s appearance: bewildered, no visible body adornment, wearing restrictive clothing, clean shaven, clean-cut short hair, and not wearing ear phones with constant stream of Indie music. Obviously a foreigner. The following conversation takes place:
Officer: Not from around here, are you?
John: No, I flew in from Dallas this morning. Sir, can ask why I seem to be in trouble?
Officer: You’ve apparently offended some people with your unruly behavior.
John: Unruly behavior? All I did was ask about the menu! I mean, I understand the sustainable/grain-fed/organic meat, but how is vegan beef even possible?!
Officer: ****
John: *****
Officer: ****
John: EXACTLY!
Officer: There’s no need to shout. Shouting kills birds.
John: And what’s up with the water? Can’t a guy just get a glass of water? Why do I have to get spring-fed-by-lesbian-water-nymphs-oxygenated-vitamin-fortified water? I JUST WANTED WATER!
Officer: Sir, it’s yoga hour. I warned you about shouting. Step outside, please.
John: What? Are you serious? *grabs briefcase* *follows officer outside*
Officer: What’s that awful smell *sniffs air* Is that….is that leather?
John: *holds up briefcase* Of course.
Officer: ACK! *covers nose* *recoils in disgust*
John: Where am I? *gets keys out of pocket* I’m leaving! *points keys at SUV to remotely unlock*
Officer: I suppose that Earth murderer is your rental?
John: *shakes arms in anger* (briefcase pops open, books and a granola bar spill out)
Officer: OH MY BUDDAH.
John: What?!
Officer: Those aren’t even used books. And that granola bar has high fructose corn syrup. That’s IT. You’re under arrest. Come with me to the station, please.
John: For what? I can’t belie –
Officer: Your conduct is unacceptable. Please sit on the back of the bike. Mind your pants don’t get caught in the gears. *GASP* Those pants aren’t even organic cotton, I can smell the pesticide. And they’re…new!?!?
John: Whaaa? Wait…you’re taking me in…on your bike?
Officer: Of course. Will you hold my mandolin? Oh, and on the way we have to stop at the park. My sister’s in an art show benefitting animals without education…..
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DO NOT forget to visit the other awesome bloggers and see what they did with their secret subjects!
Confessions of a part-time working mom
Beth Teliho 
*stands
*begins applause
Bravo, Beth! Lol. That was a delightful lead in to a rather pedestrian arrest!
Portland sounds like a city that I would find most awful. Is it really that bad?
I used to be a bike cop but I wouldn’t let the bad guys touch my bike.
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Thanks, Don! Ya know, my cousin has lived there a long time and he jokes (lovingly) about the stereotypes all the time. Also, the show Portlandia plays on them, and Portland loves the show! I think Portland is very, very green….like extremist green. It would be a culture shock to live there almost, but it would be kind of cool at the same time. Some of it would be annoying and over the top I think, but I also think I’d fit right in with some aspects.
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Very fun exercise:>)
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I know, I just love these! It’s always fun to have something different to do on the blog. Kind of like a field trip. Thanks for reading!
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Hilarious!
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Thanks for reading! It was a fun one to play around with – haha!
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This is so awesome!
Sounds a little like where I grew up.
“Will you hold my mandolin? ” LOL!
Loved every bit of it!
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Thanks, Meg! Hey I think your spam caught my comment on your blog!
Where did you grow up? Glad you liked it! 🙂
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*the crowd roars with applause*!! This was absolutely out of sight awesome, Beth! It’s funny because I started to do a self-evaluation through each question of the interrogation as to my clothes and the foods I eat. Your imagination and creative juices continue to gives us reading delights beyond imagination. Now I’m off to eat some non-organic cantaloupe 🙂
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*Takes a bow* Why thank you, kind sir!!! (and yes, I did have a cigarette after yesterday in-sync commenting – whew!) Portland is so interesting and different, but I’d be intimidated as HELL to visit for that very reason! I think they would judge my purse and food choices…OY! Not really, they’re probably wonderful people, but you know what I’m saying. They are GAH-REEN. Like, I think I’m sort of green, but they would laugh whole-heartedly at my pathetic greenness. It would be quite brown to them. Lol.
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I just LOVE the way your brain works. You can take the simplest thing and spin it into hilarity. Excellent prompt for you, but then what wouldn’t be?
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AW, thanks Karen! So funny cuz I totally waited ’till the last minute to do it! I mean, over the past two weeks I was periodically paroling beat reports online to see if any inspiration would hit, but it genuinely wasn’t until yesterday afternoon that I saw something about Portland and then….wallah! I remembered everything I love about that strange, wonderful place and the whole idea was born. Lol.
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LOL I love this
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Thank you sweets!
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Oh girl, you so craaazzzeee! Never spent more than a few hours in Portland at the airport, but it sounds like a fun town. I would pay good money to see a bike cop taking a grown man in on the back of his bike!
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hahaha! Yeah, that’d be fuuuunny! Especially if said man was toting a mandolin! haha! My cousin lives there and says it’s exactly like the stereotypes portray it. He jokes about it all the time. He LOVES it there.
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My cheeks hurt. I am so lucky that I KNOW you! Can’t wait for the order and friends with my friend, Red. Red Wine. Smooching all over your wit right now.
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My wit is smooching right back – MWA! Looking forward to next week!
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O M G, if I had made it down stairs for wine (I am way overdue), I would have spit it all over my screen! Hilarious!
Where I live we have a weekly (yes, I said weekly…) newspaper and some of the crime blotter entries don’t even require a back story to be rip-snorting funny…oh man, is there a blog post in that comment. lol
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I would love to read some of those blotters sometime! I bet they’re hilarious! I found some pretty bizarre/funny ones looking for inspiration for this post.
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Well, amazingly enough, our little paper has a subscriber-only online version, but I promise, I will base some blog posts on the best of them. 😀 Someday…ha ha.
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very funny stuff. I found it highly entertaining.
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Thanks mike!
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I admit that I was ready to kick some officer ass at the beginning, but dude this is awesome!
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haha, thanks, Kristi! It was total fun playing around with the prompt and putting it together. I love these things…..sort of a field trip from the regular blog, ya know? Totally free to just be creative and silly.
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What a terrific subject and you did it justice! I loved how you really let your imagination run wild. And “Shouting kills birds!”? Priceless. I might start using it. 🙂
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haha! My cousin lives in Portland and they are just ripe with subject matter to make fun of (in a loving way, of course!) This was a blast to do…glad you enjoyed it!
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I nearly spilled my strained beet juice smoothie all over my creamy raspberry porridge oat cakes …
Do you know if the art show is still on? I’d love to pop by. Anything to support animals without education …
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RIGHT? those poor cows who’ve never ever had the benefit of a theater class or geometry!?!? I mean…..really…..and everyone KNOWS chickens must have Spanish to get by in life…GAH
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Beth-
this is some funny shiz, this. I am diggin the blog.
I found you by way of DOAT, I think? Anyway, my fave thing in blogging is funny smart lady bloggers, and you are that! Plus, I love mom bloggin’ .
Spring fed by oxygenated lesbians say what now? Yes, definitely my style. Samara likey. Follow!
Oh, and I hear Portland is a very cool town for writers. Write on!
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Hey Samara! Thank you so much! I just spent about 40 minutes on your blog and am loving you back big-time! xoxo
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Us funny chicks have to stick together! And I am a big fan of the xoxo, so there!!
Day-um girl, they sure grow them pretty in Texas. I think I have a little girl crush on you!
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Woop! Lovin’ a girl with a girl crush on me! Thank you, very sweet of you! Crushing right back – even though I can’t see your face – but it doesn’t matter cuz I know you’re beeeUtiful and my kinda chickadee. 🙂
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You’re nuts! And I love you!
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Thank you…I think? haha! j/k glad you enjoyed it. This one was fun. Love you back, my friend. xoxo
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Now I have to get to Portland. I thought Boulder CO was the greenest place in the states, but Portland seems to have them beat.
Great post–very creative and hilarious 🙂
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Oh I think Boulder is a pretty close second! I’ve heard a lot about that town – just not sure the characters are as eccentric (?) but maybe they are. I’d love to visit someday and find out! Thanks for reading, Jennifer!
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Haha! I love where you went with this, I don’t think anyone else with an identical prompt would have taken it in that direction. I live in a super hipster area so I definitely enjoyed this!
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Yay – I’m glad you enjoyed it! It was super fun to play around with and write. My cousin lives there so I always hear about the loony characters. Plus he got me to watch Portlandia on FX and it’s SO funny! As soon as I saw the headline about Portland I knew I had to do a post about an arrest from there. There’s just no place like Portland.
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Love the twist you put on this! And now I feel like maybe moving to Portland? 🙂
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Haha! I know, right? What a hipster, zany, awesome place to live! So different from anywhere else. They’re like this little pod unto themselves.
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Hahaha brilliant! Thank you for my first giggle of the morning – though Portland sounds a bit like Sweden. Another ex pat friend described the Swedes as “aggressively zen”, which about sums it up!!
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haha! “aggressively zen” I like that. Based on your descriptions of Sweden I would say that’s about right – and yes, much like Portland. Another reason I would live in Sweden. 🙂
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Haha! ‘It’s yoga hour.’ ‘Shouting kills birds’ I love it! I agree. Definitely ‘aggressively zen’ 🙂
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Yes, they may have coined that term. Or aggressively green. ha!
Did you ever find my comment about your book cover in your spam file?
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Brilliant, Beth – and the writing prompt was brilliant too. Did you audition for Blogger Idol this year? If you did, they were idiots for not picking you. If you didn’t, do it next year – you have the chops to go all the way!
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Wow- thanks, Dana! What an enormous compliment! I did not audition. I barely know what it is. Maybe next year…..We’ll see. 🙂
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Nice writing! LOL! In this overly PC world we live in I can see this happeneing!
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I went ’round and ’round with a waiter when I first moved to LA because I wanted tap water with my meal. It was as if I weren’t even speaking English.
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