I RALLY.

Fly on the Wall Today I’m a part of the Fly on the Wall group post with 14 other wonderbloggers where we show you a glimpse of what it would be like to be a fly on the wall in our home. It won’t surprise you that I’m a “writes at the last minute” type person. This works for me. Unless I come down with a stomach flu. I tried. I really did. I kept my laptop by my bed all night hoping I’d feel better and come up with something. Alas, I’m struggling to even sit up and type this. I’m not going to back down, though!

I’m going to rally!

Well, sort of. I’m going to recycle a Fly on the Wall from a few months ago. It’s still totally relevant and enjoyable. A lot of you haven’t seen it so it won’t make a hair’s difference. Some of you have. If you’re shaking your fist and saying, “dammit, I wanted something clever from Beth today! Something new and funny!” I can only pet your head and offer you this Lollipop. << go on. Press it. All your cares will fall away and we’ll be besties again. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a porcelain throne to hug.

Don’t forget to check out my fellow Fly-ers and read their greatness. Their links are at the bottom of this post.

*A FLY ON THE WALL – TELIHO STYLE*

mating-flies-15885625

Yes. They’re humping.

The actual conversation (if it indeed qualifies as such) that occurred on the way to school. Myself and my two boys. To makes things easier (and protect the obnoxious), I’ll use their nicknames, D-man (9yo) and Cheesy (6yo):

D-Man: I HATE school. I can’t believe I have to go back to that awful place. I HATE third grade.

ME: I know it’s tough, buddy, but you can do it. Just hang in there. Things will seem bet–

D-Man: –I talked to this older kid and he said he hated third grade the most. He said it sucked out of all the grades.

ME: What older kid?

Cheesy: Do rabbits have penises?

ME: What? Wait, D, what older kid did you talk to? How old?

D-Man: Thirteen.

ME: Where on Earth are you talking to thirteen year olds?

Cheesy: MOM! Do rabbits have penises?

D-man: On Xbox. Hey, did I tell you my dream about the robot?

ME: Yes!

D-man: I already told you about my dream?

ME: No. Rabbits have penises.

Cheesy: And balls? *lots of giggles from the back seat*

ME: *sigh* Yes, if they are boys.

D-Man: So this giant robot made of Minecraft brick comes crashing out of the ocean….

Cheesy: Does Milo have balls? (our dog)

ME: Well, uh, he did. I mean, yeah. But he’s neutered. *immediate regret* rewind rewind rewind

D-Man: ….and then he twirls this snowman monster thing over his head….

Cheesy: He’s noonered! What does THAT mean?!

ME: It’s an operation dogs have so they can’t make puppies. please Lord get me out of this

D-Man: …..smashes this grey pile of ash that sprays up and blows the robot’s head off……

Cheesy: I thought only girls made babies?

ME: Cheesy, I can’t do the birds and the bees right now. Let’s tal—

Cheesy: BEES HAVE PENISES TOO?!?!

mating-flies-15885625

I’m home alone about 10AM. Kids are in school. Hubs calls.

ME: Yes? How may I help you?

HIM: Whatareyoudoing?

ME: On the computer. Whatareyoudoing?

HIM: I called to give you a couple reminders.

ME: Great. You know how much I like that.

HIM: I thought you might. I need you to be sure and take the ipad mini back today and see if they can replace it. The boys can’t be playing on it with that crack in the screen.

ME: Uh-huh.

HIM: And it would be great if you returned that hat to the party store before someone ruins it.

ME: Yep. That would be great.

HIM: And while you’re out, you should take your car to that place I told you about and get the oil changed because they’ll also wash it for you and your car is disgusting.

ME: My car is fine.

HIM: Your car is awful, Beth. Are you going to do any of those things?

ME: I will only commit to putting them on my list.

HIM: Your list.

ME: Yup.

HIM: And you’re going to put oil change on your list?

ME: Probably not.

HIM: Why? I don’t understand what the problem is…

ME: You know I hate going to the oil change place. I designated that a man job long ago.

HIM:

ME: I find it very sexy when you do man jobs.

HIM: Reeeealllly. Well, now we’re talkin’. (I can actually hear him smiling)

ME: *eye roll* it’s so damn easy

mating-flies-15885625

It’s past bedtime. The 6yo comes downstairs with what appears to be glitter and a piece of paper and approaches me at the couch. I’m limp with fatigue, and no longer care if anyone is in jammies or has brushed their teeth. I have deferred to daddy and am attempting to escape reality by engrossing myself in Twitter and Facebook a book on orbital mechanics. Yet here is a child in my face with craft supplies.

6yo: Mommy. Mommy. You know that thing where you put glitter on the paper and shake it off and it makes dots?

ME: Uh-huh.

6yo: Can we do that?

ME: Absolutely not.

6yo: Whhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy?????

ME: What do you mean why? You’re supposed to be in bed, young man. It’s late. And we don’t even have glue.

6yo: Yes we do. *disappears around corner*

He’s out of sight, therefore, officially out of my mind. This is a bad thing, because approximately 11 minutes later, Dad calls from upstairs wondering where the 6yo is. It’s about this time that I realize glitter boy is sweeping the kitchen.

You’re smart people. You know my child spilled glitter everywhere. But what I need to explain to you is this was not ordinary glitter. This was *special* fine-as-powder-fairy-dust glitter that I bought for a specific teacher craft last year, WHICH IS WHY IT WAS HIDDEN UPSTAIRS IN MY OFFICE WHERE HE GOT IT, THE LITTLE BURGLAR. You can’t even tell any is missing from the vial, yet it is every-fricken-where. No, really. You don’t understand. I can’t envision a scenario where this glitter will not be a part of our house for the rest of our lives.

*******

Check out these other awesome posts!

  Baking In A Tornado

Just a Little Nutty

  Follow me home . . .

 The Sadder But Wiser Girl

 Menopausal Mother

 The Momisodes

 Spatulas on Parade

 The Rowdy Baker

 Sorry kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others

Juicebox Confession

  Dates 2 Diapers

Kiss My List

 Moms Don’t Say That

Adventure into Domesticland

66 comments

    1. oh get ahold of yerself, Don. I’m sure you have enough internet porn to get you through your day without me having to supplement. I have in the past handed out lollipops for my menfolk, too. And they were good. But I was sick and didn’t have the wherewithal to do that yesterday. Forgive me. I will give you some awesome boobage next time, okay?

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  2. The interspersed images of the mating flies had me laughing the entire time. Life really does just come down to the boom boom in most every situation.
    Also: oil changes are most definitely a man job.
    Also Also: Your children sound adorable. I love the immediately disappearing “Yes we do!” about the glue.

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    1. I’m finally feeling better! Must have slept 24 hours….bleh. So glad I had an old FOTW to recycle cuz I was 30 seconds away from that dreaded email to you to take me off the list, and I did NOT want to do that! Thanks for being sweet about it. 🙂

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  4. Sorry you’re hurling, Beth – would a lollipop help? Because yours are the best EVER. Juat don’t get any glitter on them. My fly on the wall post involved balls too – that may be my family’s favorite word ever. Feel better soon!

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  5. I think oil changes are a mans job, if he is actually changing it. My wife goes through some drive through place where she sits in the car while they do it. Also, you can’t go wrong with mating flies.

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    1. I’ve been to the drive through places. They’re not too bad. I just hate the whole thing cuz inevitably they will sell me something (a filter or whatevs) and I never know if I really needed it. I just prefer Jim take it. And then he can take it through the car wash too. I hate driving my car through those things. Freaks me OUT.

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  7. Couple of things…
    First: No way – you got the stomach flu, too? I’m so sorry. It’s horrible and terrible and disgusting and every bad word out there. Get better. Luckily, it goes away pretty quickly. Don’t type. Sleep. Kids are out of school next week, so rest while you can.
    Second: I freakin love your family and your kids and their curiosity about penises and snow ball throwing mine craft created robots.. Especially, Cheesy. That sweet child!
    Finally: Where can I find humping flies? Everything is better when it’s humping.

    Feel better!!!

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    1. Oh Mandi. It was just as ugly and awful as you said it would be. Damn. I told you I always catch those things. I’m better today.

      Yes, my kids are great but I wish their penis and boob curiosity would chill just a bit.

      EVERYTHING IS BETTER HUMPING!

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  10. For starters, I now am feeling a penile complex with t0o many fly, bee and rabbit subliminal penis messages here. Hang on for a minute. I’m going to go to my spam folder and open up one of those Viagra offers. GREAT, now I have a Trojan virus. Why would the twisted fool send me a Trojan virus on a Viagra spam email without even offering Trojans?! Demented. Beth, we are so terribly sorry you are sick our friend! And for “hobbling” your way through a post you published another spectacular one! Though, I do have a bone (or two to pick here). Lollipops – just once can that link open up to a gallery of Kate Beckinsale, pullleeezze?? And on that note, the sexy dudes. If the oil change place had guys like that would you reconsider doing that chore yourself?? Btw…I love the dialogue from the kids and your honey! You know you rock my world always. Xoxo’s! 🙂

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    1. hahaha! Thanks for starting my day with a laugh. Sorry for the penis complex. And I already got shit from Don about my bias lollipop. I’ll be more fair next time, I promise. Can’t be leaving out my men folk. I claim sick dementia as my defense.

      Oh, and I would get an oil change (insert euphemism) every other day if the dudes doing it were from my pinterest board!!! ABSOLUTELY. I would get all sorts of car work done. uh huh.

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  13. Glitter: Just say no. I loved the car story. The fact that you had to talk about balls and Minecraft makes you a rock star.
    BTW, I just read your last post and cried. Beautiful writing. My heart ached right along with yours.

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    1. Aw, thank you Michele. For calling me a rock star, and for your compliment on my last post. It was a tough one to write, but easy at the same time. Cathartic. And the support I received was overwhelmingly beautiful.

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  14. Beth, as a little boy stuck in some blokes 6’3″ 250lb body you will understand when I say I find myself breaking out into littles snickers everytime I reply young Cheesy ask for that most necessary clarification on bee penises (or is that bee peni?) HAAHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAAA!!

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    1. My sons are infinitely curious about boobs and penises (again, peni?) It’s a never ending house of filth talk over here. I don’t even flinch anymore. And I can’t tell you (read sarcasm here) how relieved it makes me to hear they never grow out of it!!! *sigh*

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  15. I bet you get bombarded by these kinds of things from the kids every day! That, and you will find glitter everywhere for years.

    BTW – how did they photoshop all those guys heads onto my body?

    Get well soon.

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  17. Lollipops are good 🙂 BUT lollipops do make my mind wander off when I am trying to read….so thanks for the humping flies because now I can focus again. If I waited for my husband to get the oil changed in my car it would blow up. I just hit up one of those drive thru places that take about ten minutes while you sit in your car. I don’t clean or pay to clean my car because my kids are slobs and it would amount to the same thing as flushing $$ down the toilet. Yuk to the stomach flu….I’m holding my breath here that it passes us right on by. No bueno! The conversations and happening with those cute kiddos…could totally have happened here! Glitter….ugh!

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    1. Before we moved we had one of those drive thru places right across the street. Now I don’t know where a close one is (?). I ‘ll have to hunt one down fer sher. Those are the best. I’d still prefer it just magically *happen* over the weekend, but WHATEVER. If I must do it, I guess I can find a drive thru. (the hubs did end up doing it that time, but I’m not always that lucky!) And YAY to Lollipops!

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  18. SO hear you on man jobs being sexy!!! Also HAHA to “Do rabbits have penises?” YES!!!! I used to have a pet rabbit that tried to hump the dog. Also – most importantly, I hope you’re feeling better!!!!

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  19. I have clicked on that Lollipop link a good 17 times and it won’t redirect me! I feel like this may be the equivalent to getting coal in my stocking!

    I feel you on the glitter that may never ever ever be completely eradicated from your house. And my car is awful too and at least 3 months overdue for a good wash. I won’t judge you if you don’t judge me…deal?

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  21. I looked all over that board and didn’t see a single lollipop, and by lollipop, I mean Jennifer Lawrence, Ingrid Michaelson or even Jan from the Toyota commercials (don’t judge).

    Did you notice the vacant look in all 10 of those flies’ eyes, or was it just me?

    At least a rabbit will give a little eye contact.

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    1. I love the name Eli.

      Also, I usually make sure my male readers leave here happy as well. Sorry I was under the weather and not up to task that day. Next time…..next time there will be a lollipop for you, too, Eli. Jennifer Lawrence will definitely be on it since I have a huge girl crush on her! She’s awesome.

      hahahah rabbit will give you eye contact…..

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      1. I used to be the only Eli in my class – or my school – but I hear a lot of boys being called that now.

        I’ll take only partial credit. Probably that Manning kid had something to do with it, too.

        I feel like J-Law is perfect lollipop material. She’ll happen. If not on your next post, somewhere. It’s part of the universe.

        And I wonder if flies really have their eyes closed and are imagining they’re with a butterfly or stag beetle.

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  23. Pingback: Group Therapy: December « HACKER. NINJA. HOOKER. SPY.

    1. Katie! Hi! I originally wrote that post back in September. My hand to god I still see glitter on my kitchen floor when I mop. I will always see glitter on my kitchen floor. For. Ever.
      Happy NY my friend! xo

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  26. Sorry it took me so long to get over here!! I’ve had out-of-town family staying with me for nearly 2 weeks and just last night got my house back! Trying to catch up on my blog reading. This is an awesome Fly post–love all the penis questions and the convo you had with your hubs sounds exactly like the ones I have with my guy! Hilarious!

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    1. Trust me, I understand being behind on blogs!! I can’t even manage to get a new post up, for Pete’s sake. Thanks for popping by. I had a feeling you would be able to relate with the craziness in my family. 🙂

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  27. Your story evoked wonderful memories of family life – sometimes torture while they were happening, but great to look back on. And your son has a very inquisitive mind – he may be a cutting-edge scientist one day.

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    1. You know, he does love science. 🙂

      Thanks, Bryan. BTW I read your latest post and tried to comment but I’m not sure if it let me. Happens on blogs from time to time I’ve noticed. If you don’t see it show up, maybe check your spam.

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  29. Dude. I totally have that conversation with my husband all the time. Car stuff is MAN job. So is changing lightbulbs and fixing the washing machine.
    ALSO loved the conversation with your boys. I think I’ve had all of those with my son in one form or another!

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