I’m Down, But Not Out

*the views expressed in the beginning of this post are not necessarily the views of the blog owner. In fact, the blog owner is a little pissed about it, but HAD to let this part be written. Or Else. Capeesh?

You ever have one of those days where you just wake up feeling like a failure…at everything?

Consistently exercising – FAIL
Being a good daughter – FAIL
Being a good enough Mom – FAIL
Being a good enough wife – FAIL
Being a good enough friend – FAIL
Being a writer – FAIL
Being a good blogger – FAIL
Flossing enough – FAIL (okay, I’m being funny here, but it’s TRUE)
CONSISTENT IN ANYTHING – FAIL
Actually, I’m pretty damn consistent in failing, which would be a win if it wasn’t FAILING.

I’ve got the blues.

FAIL

Thank you for your time, I’m done now.

*******

OKAY BETH IS BACK. Thanks for indulging Negative Nelly. She has to be let out from time to time. I mean, she’s part of me so I’m forced to acknowledge her feelings. Probably. Whatever.

BUT

I’m gonna to turn that frown upside down

Welcome to the:

*Scraping myself up off the floor edition of TToT*

I hurt my back again. I’m not sure what I did, but I’m grateful. This back pain reminds me that I’m not being active enough. My muscles are no longer strong. It’s been a wake up call.

This happened over the weekend to our kitchen floor:

floor

We’re assuming it’s foundation problems, although we won’t know anything for sure until we have it looked at by professionals. We were pretty freaked, but then reminded ourselves: Our kids are healthy, and we are still IN our home and have our keepsakes and possessions, unlike tornado or flood victims. If all we have to worry about is how this might inconvenience us or what it might cost us, we don’t have problems.

It’s been over a month since I quit my daily migraine medication. NO MIGRAINES!! Well, there was that one six days in, but I’m not even counting that. I can stay off my meds! YIPPEEE!

Veganism has taught me to love cooking again. In the past I was not inspired to cook. Handling raw meat grosses me out (well, there’s some meat handling I enjoy…wink, wink), not to mention that most meat-meals are not my favorite. But now I’m loving exploring new spices and new recipes. I find myself skimming cookbooks, dog-earing new ones to try, and sometimes even cooking just for fun and freezing it for another day!  WHAT? I know!

I’m thankful for a warm day amidst a cold winter. The better part of this past week was FAHreezing, but this weekend was really nice. I walked the dog today and let the sun warm my shoulders. It was sort of magical.

I’ve learned some things about myself recently, which is good, because if you don’t realize your flaws they continue to be flaws. I’m a perfectionist who gets discouraged very easily. I hold my own standards (no one else’s) impossibly high, and then crash with disappointment when I don’t meet them, inevitably giving up, or not trying to begin with. I have beliefs about myself that are wrong, and they continue to road-block me from success because I believe them. I am terrible about comparing myself to others in every aspect imaginable, and then beating myself up for not being good enough.

If you have a day/week/month where you are at the bottom of the bottom…you only have up to go. Failures are there to learn from and improve upon. Negative beliefs are there to disprove. Flaws are there to make us human, empathetic, and dynamic. Bad things make us appreciate the good.

I’m grateful even when I’m blue, because at least I’m here, feeling things. I have the luxury of getting back up, dusting myself off, learning from it, and moving on.

And plus, how can I be sad when Downtown Abby comes on tonight??? RIGHT!?

Things are looking up.

Ten Things of Thankful

Do you ever get the blues? Do you ever feel like a giant failure in life? Do you compare yourself to others to your own detriment? Please tell me this doesn’t just happen to me!

76 comments

  1. Well said Beth, well said!! Love your ending as true wisdom comes from experience and we as humans will always experience feelings like these!! Seriously… before you said it I was thinking it. Why? Because you ARE a great friend!!!! One of the kindest & giving souls we’ve met! As I was reading, I couldn’t help but to see my daughter all over this page. Like Inion, you have high standards which force you to excel or when feeling that you’ve fallen short or can do better, reevaluate & focus on how you can achieve perfection. I’m afraid I had a lot to do with that where Inion’s concerned. I pushed her to be her best & can see that it’s forced her to feel like she’s constantly striving. In some ways good in a LOT of ways harmful. But like Inion you are perfect when you don’t even try. When you do try, well…. you both are just extraordinary women! Your posts always feel from the heart & make the reader, us, feel as though we can relate in one way or another. Brilliant! And that’s what you do!! Ask good soulful questions & reflect. A brilliant gift of any true writer which clearly you are!! Don’t worry Bethie we love you as you are & as you are is perfect!!! ❤

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    1. My heart swelled reading your reply. I genuinely wish I could hug you! Thank you THANK YOU for everything you said. And thank you for sharing Inion’s similar struggles. It definitely makes me feel better when I know I’m not the only one who feels this way from time-to-time, or who struggles with living up to our own impossible standards. Love and hugs and mush to both of you!!! xoxo

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  2. Beth!!!! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!! I know I’m he president of the Beth Teliho fan club, but I’m not alone in knowing what a rock star you are. I started reading this and though, “what?” You inspire me to be better. With every text, every conversation, every tweet, and every post, I like you more. I know we all have blue days, and they make us stronger, but please let me know next time you have one so that I can at least be on your side and tell you that whatever is troubling you sucks. I know last week was a huge migraine all in itself, but what you’re doing is so worth the headache. Ok, I promise I’m not a lesbian!

    On a different note…wtf, foundation? Shit!

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    2. Wait…you’re not a lesbian?? *pouts and walks away*

      Seriously though, thank you for the amazing things you said. I feel like I’m being put back together through my comment section! I’m so lucky to have you in my life. 🙂

      Oh and WTF – the builder was just here and they are “perplexed”. Evidently my floor is “highly unusual”. They have no idea WTF. They took photos and left, saying they’d get back to me this afternoon. The saga continues…..

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  3. where was I when I read about your floor this weekend? Okay that was rhetorical I think I was at lizzi blog…what a ridiculous situation….as I recall you are in a warm weather climate though correct? We had that problem in our Foundation and the floor which was concrete actually heaved from the cold like you see icebergs heaving in the Antarctic. It was like a tectonic shifting in our foundation. I have to admit it was surprisingly a much easier fix than we expected. I hope it goes the same for you. You’re going to keep us up to date right? I’m really glad that you’re not having migraines at least and that this didn’t trigger one is amazing!

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    1. Where were you living when you had your concrete swell like that? Where you are now? At any rate – OMG that’s CAHrazzzy. I would freak out.

      I will keep everyone updated fer sher. The builders were just here and they have no clue why our tile burst like that! Hopefully we’ll have answers soon.

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  4. Oh my gosh sweetie I am so sorry for your blues. If we all put our honesty caps on we’ve absolutely been right there. Bless your heart for being so candid, honest and raw with your feelings Please stop and look at all of the love and joy you bring to so many others. Your kids, husband, the dog, extended family, friends no doubt adore and love you the same. You have completely enriched my life because of your friendship. An incredibly kind, warm, beautiful lady told me recently, “don’t be so hard on yourself.” You might know her…her name is Beth Teliho. Sending you a embracing hug of love to you always, my dear. If you ever need anything give us a holler…I mean that. You are truly loved so very much 🙂

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    1. Yes, I feel much better today, thank you! Sometimes all the inner-negative thoughts just get too much for me and I crash and burn, but I’m always able to keep moving somehow. I should print this entire comment section out to help me next time! I’m blown away.

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  6. Everybody has those days. I sure do! But you’re right – we’re here, having a day, and can get back up and try all over again. Sometimes you just gotta let it all out before you can move past whatever’s bugging us.

    Hope your week goes well and things continue to look better!

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  7. OK, first of all, I am the most miserable flosser, so there’s that. So glad to hear that your are surviving the kitchen floor eruption. I hope it doesn’t turn out it mean major repairs. And so impressed you found all these thankfuls!

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    1. haha so glad to know I’m not the only one who SUCKS at flossing regularly! What is it with flossing being so annoying? And I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. they’re going to gripe me out fer sher, GAH.

      Thanks, Sarah. 🙂

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  8. It’s so, so hard to find the thankful when you think you’re at the lowest of lows. That’s when you pull out things like pencil sharpeners to be thankful for. Here’s hoping your floor issue is minor and the migraines stay at bay and the blues fade away.

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    1. haha pencil sharpeners! Thank you for the well wishes, Dyanne. The blues are already fading away, and the builder was here and trying to figure out what’s wrong with our “highly unusual” floor eruption! I’ll keep everyone updated….

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  9. Ah, Beth. It’s so hard for most of us to stop comparing ourselves to others. Even though it is completely useless and our conclusions are always wrong. Everyone has good points/talents, everyone has problems and flaws. The probelms and flaws just aren’t out in the open where everyone can see them.

    You made food with the purpose of putting it in the freezer for another day?!!? Wow! The vegan lifestyle seems to be working for you!

    The floor is bizarre. Hope it isn’t a gigantic problem for you to fix.

    Yay on staying migraine-free!!!!

    You are a wise lady, ending the post the way you did. Some very good truths. No, not the Downton Abbey. I’ve never seen that show. The bit about being able to pick yourself up and keep on keeping on.

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    1. Thanks, Christine! The floor IS bizarre! We found a matching hump UPSTAIRS exactly over the downstairs one! WTACTUALF???? They are doubting foundation issues, so the investigation continues…..

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  10. Ugh. Sorry to hear you had a crap week. And hope everything works out ok with your floors.

    As for the beginning of your post – that was me two weeks ago. I think the “Seriously?! Can’t I do anything right?” periods happen to us all. And the answer to that question is you can. Just not at THAT moment. ;). I also find that when one thing goes wrong it’s easy for others to follow (kinda like girls all needing to go to the bathroom together) . So deep breath. Find a main bit to tackle and get control of and hopefully the rest follow. That’s what I’m telling myself at the moment at any rate so I’m hoping its true.

    Way to find the silver linings but may next week be better :).

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  11. I don’t like the too hard on herself Beth as much as usual Beth. Hu huh uh, I said hard on!! Lol! No, but seriously,you’re allowed to have those days, right? I’m glad your headaches are in control. Those migraines ain’t no joke. What’s up with that floor though? It just buckled?

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    1. I don’t like hard on herself Beth, either. *snort* I said hard on, too. Awesome.

      Yeah, it effing exploded and popped out, actually. And now the tiles down from it have lifted and there’s a hump AND AND we found a hump in the floor UPSTAIRS directly over it!!! OMG. WTF?? They are saying it’s not foundation, so now someone is coming out (next week…great) to check the plumbing and sprinkler system checked for leaks. We pretty freaked out!

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  13. Oh Beth, I’m so sorry about your crappy week but you managed real well to look on the upside. Migraines aren’t fun at all and glad you’re off meds.
    I see foundation problems in your near future 🙂 Cheers for a better week!

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    1. Thank you, Manal! Yeah, we’ve got something serious going on here at la casa, that’s fer sher. OY. But I am feeling better. I’m a silver lining kind of gal so I always try to see how much worse things could be, and be thankful for everything.

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  14. Ohhh, so glad you joined in this week, Lovely, it sounds like you needed a little TToT spirit, even if it feels academic and as though the positives are hollow in comparison to everything else. There’s nothing worse than when we get into a phase of self-attack, and very little can pull us out except focus on the Good, and keep striving.

    And there truly are some really good Good Things here. The vegan lifestyle (you couldn’t resist getting a *little* smut in there, huh? Good for you 😉 ) working for ya is excellent, and the no meds is beyond awesome because it’s bound to be so, so much better for your body.

    The business with the tile-hump in your kitchen is a pain in the ass and I hope you can at least find out what’s going on, as soon as possible. That’s some epic movement, whatever it is, and I really hope it’s easy to fix. But as you say, you have your stuff, you have your family round you, and it’s not the end of the world.

    You know me – I’m the queen of feeling like a failure/let-down, even in the face of vociferous opposition from those who love me, and I wonder if the same is true for you – it’s a self-view problem, rather than an other-view-of-self thing, and certainly to read the comments above (and, I suspect, if you were to ask your family and IRL friends, the same kind of feedback would appear) you’re not any kind of disappointment to anyone but yourself, and I hate that self-analysis and understanding of this tendency doesn’t really make it any easier once that pattern’s entered into. I wrote a piece for Chris not long ago. I don’t know if you read it, but I thought I’d link it here for you in case. It’s from a faith perspective (and I don’t know where you stand on that) but the salient point is that I figure myself for a Beautiful Letdown, and maybe that’s okay: http://themomcafe.com/devotional-diary-im-beautiful-let/

    I’m glad you have Downton back to watch and take yourself out of your thoughts for a while. Looking forward to knowing where you’re up to (and in all honesty, probably teasing you cos I know what happens next…)

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    1. Thank you, Lizzi. I don’t think I did read that post – I’ll do so immediately. I knew you’d be able to relate, and I appreciate your support, very much. XOXO

      OH – and in D.Abby, I’m on episode 4, where Mr. Bates finds out what happens with Anna and she moves back into the cottage, and Mary turns down a marriage proposal. Oh, and tom is thinking of moving he and his daughter to America.

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  15. Hi Beth, I’ll answer your questions with yes, yes and yes! And no, you are not alone. I think perfectionists like us have a rough time because we always see the myriad of ways in which we could be better. For once I’d love to be that kid on American Idol who proudly stands in front of the judges belting at the top of his lungs the most out-of-tune song you’ve ever heard with a smile on his face that screams confidence. Maybe he’s just grateful he can remember the words.

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    1. Oh my gosh, Jennifer, I’ve thought the same thing, but I equated it with someone on The Voice just singing their heart out. I would love to have that kind of courage and confidence! Or lack of fear of failure is probably more accurate. Thanks for reading. 🙂

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  16. Well, this was so unexpected for me. I look at you and sometimes forget that you are not a super being. You’re sense of humor and energy are always in full supply and it hurt me to think you were in such a funk. Then I read on and realize that you are there, and you are rallying. Just showing up to TToT is half the battle on the way back and you managed it beautifully by finding a way to turn each negative into a positive. Well done!
    I hope you can find a little comfort in knowing that you are so not alone. I feel this way many days and am working hard to change it. The process of growing older and inevitable change throw me for a loop and I sit and stare at the wall wondering WTF.
    On positive notes, I’m thrilled to hear you are off the migraine meds. That has to be a relief! And I still have to give you all the credit for your new eating lifestyle. It’s great to hear your enthusiasm about it.
    Keep on keepin’ on Beth! You’re gonna be okay and yes, knowledge is power. If you know what’s broke….you can fix it 🙂
    Love to you, my wonderful, wacky friend!!

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    1. Aw, thanks so much Sandy. That was such a sweet comment. Thank you for helping me feel not so alone and crazy. 🙂
      Good thing with me is that my “funk” times are typically short lived. I’m a silver linings kind of gal.

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  18. Yes, I get the blues. I mean I live in a house full of men, two of whom are teenagers who can’t seem to look at me without rolling their eyes. Mostly, for me, life starts to beat me down right in the middle of a cold dark miserable winter.

    Down is not fun but is OK, as long as you pick yourself back up. And I’m glad to see that you are. We’re all here for you.

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    1. Thank you, Karen! Yes, you and I are definitely in houses-o-testosterone, aren’t we? I appreciate your kinds words of support. I’m definitely better having written this out, not to mention all the wonderful comments lifting my heart!

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  19. You sound like me with the expectations. I do the same thing. I hope your back feels better and that the kitchen floor gets fixed. Ugh. I like the idea of going vegan. I need to do that because I feel lousy eating what I eat. But good luck getting my boys onboard with that!

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    1. Thanks, elleroy! My back is feeling much better today. It was pretty shitty (spasms) Saturday, but bounced back quick fortunately. And I know…effing expectations SUCK. Some days I strip it down to: if you take a shower you ROCK. Lol. Sad but true.

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  20. We all have to get that stuff out, my TToT was the weirdest, whiniest post possibly of all time, and what was I going on about? The stupid weather. I hardly even leave my house so MY weather? Is a steady 70 degrees. Still, it’s good to vent sometimes. I think we should do a rogue “Ten Things To Bitch About” post one week! hahaha
    That floor looks like a bummer. Might be a 1st World Problem as they say, but still annoying.

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    1. haha yeah my “weather” is pretty steady at 70 too. I’m such a wimp about the cold. the only reason I like it is because it gives me an excuse to stay inside and be cozy. 🙂
      Thanks, Joy.

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    1. I hear ya! I’m a pretty positive gal so Negative Nelly has to stay away! I don’t like acknowledging those feelings, but sometimes they get the best of me. Thanks, Kate!

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  22. I do get down sometimes, but I try not to dwell on it. Glad you scraped yourself off the floor (what the hell happened to your floor anyway?). And when you can still be funny and witty while being Negative Nelly, I know not all hope is lost!

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    1. haha I know, I remember being in the hospital bed immediately after giving birth, and I was cracking the nurses up! Even when I’m miserable I try to make a joke out of it. Laughter saves me.
      Thanks, Dana!

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  23. ~~~~Are you Serious? u r NOT alone.

    I have too many pity parties. Sometimes I even call my girlfriends to participle in them so we can cry and cuss and feel oh-so-sorry for ourselves.

    & I def compare myself to others, as well…especially great writers… I think– I’ll NEVER write like them, but that’s okay, cuz I have my own unique weird voice.

    ((((((You. Rock. Like. Gaga.))))))))

    Ps. oh, and sometimes I get quite envious when I see a pretty blonde, for example, like YOU.

    xxx

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    1. I have never, ever been told I rock like Gaga! ME LIKEY. Ooooh and thank you, Kim. You’re so sweet. And you DO have the most amazing writing voice, which I happen to admire the shit out of. YOU rock like Gaga! MWA XOXO

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  24. OH jeez to your floor – so sorry. Also, I’m a failure at all that you listed too but you’re an amazing friend and writer and blogger so there’s that. You didn’t fail at all and I love how you made yourself get up and get thankful. UGH flossing!! UGH. I’m totally flossing tonight.

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    1. suuuuure you’re flossing tonight. Just like I did, right? LOL.
      Seriously though, thank you, Kristi. I appreciate your SO sweet words of encouragement. You ROCK my ass off. Heart you big.

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  25. Sometimes even the most confident amongst us has our down days. It’s normal. You will rise above it and get to feeling better about life.

    Now, as for your floor that is definitely the work of demons. I would suggest packing up and moving out immediately.

    Also, I assume the meat that you like to handle is of the long hard sausage variety. Some are sweet and some can be very spicy on the tongue so be prepared when placing it in your mouth. 😉

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    1. Thank You, Phil, for making me genuinely laugh out loud!!!! And how did you know I prefer the long, hard variety of sausage? Hmm. Don’t worry, I’m very cautious when putting it in my mouth. *snort*

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  26. I think we all think in failures, at least I know I do!!

    So let’s not go into my failures.

    And I really really hope that it was just your underground pixies playing a joke in your kitchen and not something serious…

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      1. Darn, pixies would have possibly been cheaper!

        Good luck with it! At least you didn’t have a kitchen fountain I guess? lol

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  27. I think you’re pretty damn awesome just the way you are, Beth. We all have what we consider our own personal failures, yet the outside world doesn’t see it that way (fortunately!). Don’t listen to those “Debbie Downer” voices! Glad to hear the migraines are going away–I used to get those and they were debilitating!

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    1. Thank you, Marcia, I sooooo appreciate you! I would love to get rid of the negative voices – I’m trying. It’ll probably be a life-long battle in one way or another, but I’ll prevail. 🙂 I’m pretty positive 99% of the time so that helps!

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  28. Hey Kido
    I spoke with Steven….Heard about the house…You guys hang tough….I know you will….See ya in a couple months.

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    1. Thank you, Nick. The saga is getting worse and worse! Yikes. Hoping for the best. I know everything happens for a reason, and I know we’ll be fine. Can’t wait to see you! Love ya.

      Sent from my iPhone

      >

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  29. I definitely know that feeling. I had one earlier while trying to complete some horrible project I want nothing to do with. I ended up sending one of those crazy first-world-problem texts like “I JUST WANT TO TAKE A HOT SHOWER AND EAT CHOCOLATE I HATE EVERYTHING.”

    I agree with your take though– at least we are still here, feeling. And the only way is up.

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  30. Beth, I swear, you were reading my mind, only one day earlier. Yesterday while I was out walking (on the last nice warm day for how long???) I was thinking how I should write a post about how blocked I am, haven’t finished a thing, too busy reading fabulous bloggers such as yourself, and endlessly comparing myself and disappointing myself. 😦

    You are right, when you feel that way, the only way is up, and you sound like you have mastered the turn-me-around self talk to feel better. Everyone feels this way sometimes, if they say they don’t, we both know they are lying!

    You are the most supportive blogger friend out there, please know that. I am glad things are already looking up for you…the sky’s the limit! Hugs, Roby. 😀

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    1. AW, my Roby. How you make me smile! Thank you for chiming in. *YAY solidarity* I’m so grateful, NOT that you are going through he same thing, but for you telling me you were. It is frustrating not to blog-around like I’d like to (and should be doing – hell I can barely reply to comments lately GAH), but I keep telling myself, you can’t get to every post, every single time, of every blogger you love. I HAVE to put editing first! And sometimes, life, too! I keep everyone’s post alerts in my email and get to them when I can, usually in the evening.
      –and comparisons….the WORST. I have to make that part of my brain STOP DOING THAT. UGH. It’s so debilitating.
      I’m getting there….. 🙂

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    2. Yes, it is frustrating, but this too shall pass. Interesting to hear how many others have been feeling similarly. Maybe it’s winter, or something in air, who knows.

      Yes, I am getting there too. It’s not a competition, my new mantra. 🙂

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  31. I’m not alone. Such a refreshingly honest read. As I type this my back is twinging and my nose is running. I know how I hurt my back – lifting those heavy boxes at my mom’s on Saturday. Why didn’t I get the cart like she suggested? Can you say stubborn? Not sure where I got the cold – haven’t had one in months. I feel like hell. Lovely. I have a dog to walk and dishes to do and laundry and … However, I am going to rise above it all and reread your post. Brilliant.

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    1. Kelly! I have a cold, too! I was reading your comment and thinking NO WAY! The good thing is my back is much better – whew! I’ve hurt it before where I was down and out for over a week, but this time it was really one bad day, and then each day got better. I’m sorry your back is hurting! I hope it feels better soon, and stay away from boxes!

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  32. I read this the other day, but I was feeling funky about myself about being inconvenienced to comment. Especially once you wrapped it up with being thankful and grateful and I was still funky ;-). All better now. I am on strike with Downton Abbey. I haven’t look at it since that thing happened to Anna. I have them recorded but I thought I’d wait until I had three of them stored up and the veg out.

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    1. haha Kenya, thank you for your honesty. I totally understand! My “positive wrap-up” was totally self-preservation, and how I normally handle my funks and manage (hopefully, at least I TRY) to turn them around. 🙂 although I don’t feel like I’ve got the blues anymore, a lot of those struggles are permanent for me. Well, permanent for now. I’m trying to change my thinking patterns and such.
      Glad you’re feeling better! And you were so sweet to hop back over here and comment! You made my day, seriously.

      Oh, and I love watching several taped episodes all at once! I typically don’t have the will power to do it deliberately, but am always so excited when I have 2 or 3 of a favorite show to watch all in a row!

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  33. Oh my gosh, I really relate to what you say about being a perfectionist. For me, it doesn’t tend to amount to giving up, but rather to doing task’s at a snail’s pace. I am really awful about engaging in negative self-talk, despite all the contrary to the evidence that I have and am achieving some pretty cool shit with my life. It just never seems to be enough. The habit I’m working on right now is what I think about first thing in the morning. More often than not, it’s not a positive thought so I make myself think about something else. It helps so much to start off the day excited about something rather than dreading it. Stupid people that we tend to be seem to pick dread when it takes just as much energy to pick happiness. I’m the last person to say I believe in sunshine and rainbows, but to the degree that is possible, I’ve decided to put my energy into more productive channels so I will stop getting sick of me…

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    1. For some things, it amounts to giving up, but for many others (like editing!) it amounts to doing it at a snail’s pace for me, too! And you’re SO right about it taking just as much energy to be positivite! UGH. I’m trying really REALLY hard to stop the cycle of negative thoughts, too. It’s tough, because some of them are so hard-wired. BUT, I will work very diligently at it. I have to. It’s such a waste of time to let negativity slow me down or stop me altogether.

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  35. Your attitude is awesome, Beth! The first part is me everyday. Not so much the ‘turn the frown upside down’ part. But I’m learning. Slowly. Hope your week is better. No brow beating yourself, okay?? xo

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Speak to me! I wanna hear ya!