Night Of The Menage Attack, Take 2.

**This is a re-post from September when about ten people were reading me, but it’s freakin’ crazy-in-a-good-way and needs to be let out into the wild again.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program….

SO I went to a party over the weekend at a neighbor’s house down the street. I sat in the backyard for the first half of the evening with a friend, sipping drinks and enjoying the cool breeze. The hubs was with me for the first hour or so, but for the part of the story in question he was at home getting beauty sleep since he’s ambitious and does things on weekends like triathlons. Weirdo.

Anyway, at some point I wandered inside to the host’s dining room – I honestly can’t recall why – and walked up on two women sitting there. One was a little slumped over, clearly had had too much to drink. The other woman seemed totally fine.

The first thing I noticed about the sober one was she was pretty. Not the giant, silicone cans – too much makeup – Beverly Hills type, but the tall – thin – naturally beautiful type. The kind of woman I expect to a) be uppity and b) ignore my presence. But, she surprised me by immediately reaching out a hand to introduce herself. She had a firm handshake, in case you’re wondering, which is a huge deal to me. I hate limp willie handshakes. Anyway, she was chatty and warm, asked about my kids, how I knew the host, etc. etc.  As I was leaving the room, I heard her murmur, “She’s so sweet,” referring to me. Hmm. I like this gal.

Later in the evening I ran into her again in the kitchen. She was excited to see me and greeted me with an enthusiastic, “Hiii!” We yammered about this-and-that, about how her dress was from Target, (she’s frugal and down-to-earth. love her!) when she began interjecting things like, “you’re so beautiful,” and “you’re so pretty.” I’m not one to take compliments well, so I blushed and stammered, but at the same time I’m thinking, this chic is my new BFF! I’m already envisioning how great it would be to take her shopping:

ME: How does this outfit look?

BFF: It’s perfect. You’re beautiful. You look like Kate-Frickin-Moss in everything.

ME: Should I get bangs?

BFF: No, you’re perfect the way your are. But if you do you would rock them cuz you’re stunning no matter what.

ME: You’re the bestest bestie evah!

BFF: No YOU are!

ME: No YOU are!

(ahem) That wasn’t pretty. Look away.

She then introduced me to her husband who was planted on a barstool. He was very nice and also had a firm handshake. He reached over saying I had something on my face only to gently swipe the side of my nose. We laughed. I got the joke. He was poking fun at the stud in my nose. It was a little chummy that he TOUCHED MY FACE and I’d known him all of 7 seconds, but his wife was showering me with flattery so I let it slide. I’m shallow cool like that.

She complimented my top, she oozed over my children, saying how handsome they were and they must get their looks from mommy…..

and then IT happened.

New BFF to her husband: “Honey, isn’t she beautiful?”  “Isn’t she cute?”  “Isn’t she gorgeous?”

Whoa. *takes new BFF off speed dial* Why is she saying this stuff to her husband? Why is she asking HIM?

This. Just. Got. Awkward.

I mean, what’s he supposed to say? You don’t ask your husband if another woman is pretty in front of said woman……unless….unless….

No. It couldn’t be. That’s preposterous. But what if it’s not? Holy Shit Balls. Are they into Menages? My mind instantly went to the Seinfeld episode where Jerry’s girlfriend calls his bluff and wants to have a 3-way with him and her friend, but he can’t bring him self to do it. It’s hilarious, but now I’m starting to relate to it on a whole new level. One I do not appreciate. I glanced at the husband. He was smiling at me all, cat-that-ate-the-girl-from-the-party.

So this morning when we woke up in bed, they were all, that was HOT.

KIDDING. But if you’re into that sort of thing and you just got a visual, you’re welcome.

I understand I could be way off base. She could be totally secure with herself, and obviously her marriage, and was being genuinely sweet. Maybe I’m just not used to that behavior so I read it wrong. Perhaps she had had more to drink that I thought. Maybe she just found me irresistibly adorable. I mean, who doesn’t? Probably.

Or….what if my gut was right? What if they sought me out like some sort of prey, and I was on the menu? Sweat beaded my forehead as I began to panic. What if they corner me in the bathroom? What do I do? I mean, I can’t go through with it, but I did really want to go shopping with her….holy orgy, Batman….

….what do I do?…..

….how do I get out of this?…..

SALVATION

in the form of a tired 9yo who was ready to go home. YES, SWEET BABY JESUS, MOMMY WILL TAKE YOU HOME RIGHT NOW. And thank you, precious child, for ending my night and thus a very uncomfortable situation to explain to your father.

I waved bye to my EX-BFF, thanked the hosts for their lovely party-con-love-triangle, and went home.

So now I ask YOU: Was that strange behavior or am I being a total nut-case? I’m soooo looking forward to your comments!

Editors note: I was going to title this post, I Think She Wants My Boobies, because the last few days a lot of attention has gone to balls via my last post, and I’m nothing if not fair. But then I was like, what if that looks like I’m trying too hard to put stuff like boobs and balls in my titles? And if I were, is that so bad? Anyway, I obviously ended up going with another title, but I want the record to show that I was even steven in my representation of all things round and hangy. Thank you.

87 comments

  1. OMG, I don’t think you were wrong, that looks pretty much like they wanted you for dessert 😉

    Just curious: what was the husband like? Baaahahahaha!

    So now, every year on that day your kid is gonna get a gift from you?

    PS: limp willie handshakes are a no-no in my book, too. Unacceptable!

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    1. I wish I could remember the husband’s name now. It was something weird like Sal. Not that Sal is weird, but it didn’t fit him. He was nice. Very smily. Kind of short-er than average I think. NOT someone I would do a ménage with if you know what I mean and I think that you do. Not hot by any stretch of the imagination.

      Yeah, I’m showering my 9yo with gifts every October!

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  2. I envision two hot women three ways in EVERY post I read, but thanks for making it easier than usual.

    If there really are swingers or whatever they’re called at a party, people should be warned ahead of time so the women can avoid them while the men flock to them. Or something like that.

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    1. haha yeah I think I get what you’re saying. I could’ve used a warning. I was thinking, wow – this lady is SO nice! hahaha I’m so naïve. I was being groomed and had no idea. UNTIL she started pimping me to her husband. That was my red flag!

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  3. They were totally trying to hook up with you Beth. I would be flattered and a little creeped out. But mostly flattered. Did you tell your husband? I would not have been able to tell mine fast enough!

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  4. Without a doubt, they were looking to reel you in! Let the Mrs. scope out the party and chat up the hot mama and then wait for the approval of Mr. Yup, totally creeped out. But wait! Aren’t you feeling awesome right about now? Just a little? I mean, it was YOU they found appealing amidst all the others…stand tall Beth, stand tall!

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  5. Oh come on! You totally knew what was up and now your hot self is just bragging!
    Just kidding.
    But yes, you were being sized up an I agree with Audrey. It may be a little creepy but if they were a good looking couple and chose you, be a little flattered.
    As for that whole Editor’s note about books and balls….dude, are you on meds for that?
    Love you much 🙂

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    2. I was genuinely flustered at the party thinking, “No. Really? No. There’s no way!” and very happy to have the “out” of needing to take my kiddo home, BUT, after I got home and told Jim and we laughed….I have to admit I was pretty flattered!

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  6. Ahhhh so if the balls post was earlier, maybe it *was* that one I discovered first. I don’t even care – it happened, I found you.

    STILL a good story, even on second reading 🙂

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      1. Awwwwh you’re very sweet to say that 🙂

        At some point I’m gonna start at the very beginning here, and see how it evolved before I stumbled across it 🙂

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  8. “Don’t you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I’d have to dress different. I’d have to act different. I’d have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I’d need a new bedspread and new curtains I’d have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I’d have to get new friends. I’d have to get orgy friends.”
    love Seinfeld! Great post.

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  9. Possibly it was innocuous but I think your gut was right on this one, Beth. I know of folks who have done the swinger thing. It seems that it begs for nothing but trouble at one point or another. Good story…

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  11. Yep, I do believe your spidey sense was right on target.

    I too appreciate a firm handshake from man or woman, but he touched your FACE?

    Spidey no likey…but funny story anyway, and I am glad you re-posted! 🙂

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      1. Reading the follow-up comments brought back an interesting anecdote from when we were house shopping about 6 years ago. Our realtor let us know that a particular subdivision we had inquired about was known as a “swingers” community.

        Heehee, it wasn’t at all what we were looking for (as far as community features lol) so we passed, but every time I drive by it, I wonder what crazy stuff is going on there, and how many relationship disasters have come out of it…;-)

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        1. oh my dear lord a COMMUNITY? Okay, I have to admit I’m fascinated! Gives a whole new meaning to, “can I borrow some sugar?” LOL.

          But WTactualF? Wow. I seriously want to be a fly on the wall in that neighborhood and see wassup!

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            1. EW EW EW EW!!! I didn’t want to watch them bang (well, maybe). I was thinking more along the lines of how the pairing up is decided; the fall-out from the complications of having a neighborhood of swingers, etc. BUT EW thanks for the visual!

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            2. OMG, I am rolling on the floor!!!!!! I hadn’t even given a thought to the etiquette of swinging, so you successfully cracked me up yet again!

              Sorry about the visual, I know, ICK.

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  12. Oh. Awkward.

    Ohhhhh man.

    No, no woman throws you at their significant other unless they are wanting approval of the prey they’ve found…

    So what did you husband say?

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          1. Well yes.

            There is that prison thing. Which could be viewed as a minor holiday and a good reason to catch up on your reading list.

            Right?

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  14. Now that’s the stuff that good stories are made of… Long ago before I was married to hubby, he went off with fellow employees for a night of drinking at the employee pub down in the Everglades. He ended up passing out on the pool table, and then this one waitress we worked with straddled him (with clothes on) and people took pictures. I still give him a hard time about that one.

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  15. Love it even more the second time around, Bethie. If I’m not mistaken, Mathair and I told you to embrace the bad-ass, sex appeal you have and brag like a motha-fo. I’d wear a ménage-invite like a badge of honor on my chest…. after running out of the place, screaming “Unclean! Unclean!” LOL.

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    1. LOL your last line had me giggling like mad! And yes, I DO remember your comment the first time I ran this. I felt a bit better about my “I’m ménage bait” strut after that.

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  16. Good job Aussa and Samara weren’t there as well or the tables might’ve been turned. You’re such a hottie, who could blame those two for hitting on you, right?

    I hadn’t got back to this one, good one to re-post, Lovey.

    Cheers REDdog

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    2. Thank you for saying that Beth, you’re too sweet. I’ve been on the road the last couple of weeks, and battling the Black Dog before going away means I’ve been less than available, I know. Hope to rectify things now I’m home. Cheers

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  17. OMYyyyGOSH, you had me on every. single. word.

    And Damn, I’d WANT a bff like her….I love that woman…

    but seriously,

    They both wanted you.

    They really really wanted you.

    No doubt in my mind on this one.

    xxx

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  18. I’m so glad you re-posted, because I am new to your blog and hadn’t read this yet. I loved it! I have no idea what I would’ve thought…I probably would have been the drunk girl slumped over on the couch. 🙂 Totally subscribing to your blog–and thanks for coming over to mine!

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  19. You should be flattered as you’re a hot MILF!

    Next time go for it and please post play by play pictures. Over two blog posts. Video too. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. I won’t.

    Think of it a pre-shopping research.

    I need a cold shower now…..

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    1. haha you did talk yourself into a cold shower, didn’t you? Can you imagine if I’d gone through with it?? The blog material would be endless! Wait….maybe I should….??? Hmmmm.

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  20. I don’t think you were wrong, more people are into it than you can imagine. Nevermind why I know that. I don’t know about married couples, but marriage doesn’t take the HUMAN out of human beings. I’m assuming since this was “Take 2” it happens to you all the time! I can see that 🙂

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    1. NO it’s never happened to me before! Not that I realized, anyway. It was Take 2 because it was a re-post from September. 🙂

      I think you’re right – I would be surprised how prevalent it is! (and I do kind of want to know how you know that…)

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  23. There’s way too many questions to ask, but none of them are my business. 🙂 All I can say is when I was on the road doing stand-up … well, things happen. Now, I’m old and the memories are all that’s left. Yep, they were hitting on you. Now that it has happened, there’s only one question: Does curiosity or morality win if it happens again? That’s a choice only you can make. Good Luck!

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    1. Wait….you’re a comic? I love comics! I worked at the Improv here in Dallas for over six years. Even managed it for the tail end of my time there.
      I bet we could talk for hours……

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    1. bow-chicka-bow-wow alarm….hahaha! Yeah, I think that’s the same blaring horn that was going off in my head about the time she started pimpin’ me to her hubs! Oh and please lord I hope I’m not swinger bait! It’s far too awkward.

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  28. Beth, she was just having a natural reaction to how sexy, alluring, gorgeous, and sweet you are.
    Let’s be besties.

    PS- Want to hang out with me and the BF this weekend? I asked and he also thinks you’re pretty hot.

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  31. I am SO PISSED you got SAVED!!!! Dang! Now… you go find that chick and finish the rest of this story!!!!

    Way to go, kid! 9yo just ruined a perfectly good build up to a climax of great proportions!!! (Climax – get it? Well, now I just blew being all cool with that pun…having to say something about it. Geez.)

    Get your cute boobs back out there and find your BFF and her hubs again, and FINISH this STORY!!!!

    😉

    PS: I didn’t read the other comments… so I wonder, “I am the ONLY one that wants more?” lol Pressing publish anyway!

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    1. Uh…yeah. You were the only one who wanted more, except maybe Don and every other male reader. But that’s why I LOVE you to pieces! You’re a little twisted-in-a-good-way like me. Btw, her hubby wasn’t hot enough for me to consider it for a millisecond. Have a hottie on your hip and I could be swayed. 🙂

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  32. This was hilarious! And I am with you completely on a firm handshake as well as it may have been weird behavior. I don’t think I’m a good judge though since two girls once roofied me at a club and luckily my boyfriend was there. I must thank you for reminding of this story! Ha!

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          1. So, I totally shared this story thinking it wouldn’t be the usual serious stuff I write and well…..it’s still serious damn it! 🙂 Hope you enjoy it anyway! My intention was not to be too serious, but judging by the comments, I guess it was a scary story. Oops.

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