I took my kids to the movies today. Luckily, we scored seats in the very back row, which means mommy can play on her phone….until my 10yo got all preachy about it and made me get off because he was afraid we’d get kicked out. I find that goody-two-shoes behavior ironic when he’s the one who did this magical project in school, which his father and I saw for the first time displayed ON THE WALL at open house this past Thursday. It’s titled (I shit you negative) “How To Be A Pain In The Bum”
It’s hard to read, so allow me:
1. Do everything at the last minute
2. Don’t ever shut the door
3. Do not clean any messes
4. Ask for money everyday
5. Persuade your mom for everything she ever has said no to
6. Sneak video games into your room at night
There are drawings to accompany his instruction, including one of “stick figure mom” with stringy hair and giant frown. Awesome.
ANYway, with no phone and no interest in the movie, I had nothing left to do but let my mind wander.
43 things I thought During The Movie:
I’ve consumed an ungodly amount of popcorn.
I don’t feel so good.
I’m having heart palpitations.
Oooooohhhh, I wish I had some Junior Mints.
I should tell the kids I’m going to get some.
I bet they’ll get all freaked out and won’t let me.
Why are they so scared to be in the theater without me?
They’re 7 and 10 for pete’s sake. They can almost drive.
I mean, what if I had to pee? I’d have to take both them and all our shit to the bathroom.
Next time, I’m getting Junior Mints before the movie no matter how hard I try to convince myself not to.
Seriously, what would I do if I had to pee?
I should wear a Poise pad to the movies from now on.
Is it Poise or Depends? Which one is for leakage, and which one is for full bladder release?
I think I need Depends. But do they really absorb ALL the pee?
What if it leaked? What would I tell the kids?
Sorry, we have to leave. Mommy peed her yoga pants. Walk behind me.
They should have ushers that watch your kids while you go pee or get Junior Mints.
They could sit in your seat while you’re gone, just like the seat fillers at the Oscars.
I have such good ideas.
Why are 3D movies so damn expensive?
And these stupid 3D glasses are making it impossible to check Facebook.
They should have 3D bifocals for all the parents. The bottom part would be clear plastic so you can check Facebook without getting tired head.
I like the name Mateo.
I should get this popcorn out of my lap, but I don’t like to set it on the floor.
What if a roach crawls in it?
What’s up with animation shorts before the movie? The previews are enough. I don’t need a movie before the movie. It’s obnoxious.
I love that this seat reclines.
I could seriously nap.
It’s a fucking crime that I don’t have a waitress right now.
They should install little computers at each seat where you can punch in your order and your Junior Mints would be delivered right to you.
Like Sonic, but quieter.
I’m a freakin’ visionary.
A visionary who’d be much more productive with Junior Mints.
Your loss, movie theater.
HOW LONG IS THIS MOVIE?
Why do animals always have to sing in the movies?
Oh look. There’s popcorn in my cleavage.
SCORE! nom nom nom
I want a pet named Nigel.
Ohhhh, I have Game of Thrones taped!
I wonder if Adam Levine watches GoT? I bet he does. Sexy beast.
I can’t feel my right ass cheek.
Do you have brilliant ideas when your mind wanders? What are some of your best? Do you think they should have wait staff and seat fillers in movie theaters? Your comments are better than JUNIOR MINTS!