The Shenis, Goats, and the Alaskan Bush. A post about nothing.

This is your brain.

brain anatomy photo: 280820097 25254454.png

I’m a genius

This is your brain trying to write a post.

goat photo: Goat Goat.jpg

I like cheese.

Which reminds me, I found this quiz over at Michelle’s blog and had to take it. I don’t pretend to understand the criteria, but somehow I’m worth 8 goats. I’m oddly proud of this. I mean, 8 goats is nothing to sneeze at. How many goats are you worth? Go find out. Right now. But know this: if you out-goat me we’ll be forced to have a goat-off because of my need to reign superior in all things.

ANYway, I can’t seem to have a thought like, “This is a great post idea” without my next one being, “You’re stupid and can’t write” so I decided to do a post about nothing.

*cue Seinfeld music*

While I was Googling images of goats (which makes me think of Aussa. Because…goats), I naturally ended up on The Shenis website, which also made me think of Aussa because we’ve discussed female urination devices at length. Speaking of length,  I don’t know about you guys, but I have no desire for a penis this big.
female urinary device shenis photo: Female Urinary Device Shenis stand-to-pee-.jpg

This one is more my speed:

pee_thing

Sporty, yet feminine. Like all penises should be.

Then the thought of squatting in the woods made me think of my new favorite show on the Discovery channel, Alaskan Bush People. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a family of nine who live deep in the Alaskan wilderness in a one room, 700 sq. foot cabin with absolutely zero modern conveniences. They live wild. WILD. They sometimes don’t see an outsider for over six months. They have their own dialect and call themselves the “wolf pack”. I have more questions than I can list here.

alaska photo: Michael Padderatz ae564e4f-f01f-4df3-8ca3-8f1aa3c934a3.jpg

Alaskan Bush: Where “do you like to climb trees?” is an acceptable pick-up line

If you watch this show you need to tell me so we can discuss it.  Because…addicted.

Then that show reminded me of Aussa’s post about the hovel she lived in (WTF Aussa? Get out of my head!), which made me think of a garage apartment in seedy East Dallas I called home back in the early 90’s. It was about the size of a small bedroom with a tiny adjoining bathroom. No kitchen. No closet. No heat. One small window unit for AC. We had to secure the front door with bungee cord during storms because it didn’t shut all the way. I lived there with three cats, and three other people. The one room functioned as the family room, bedroom, dining room, pantry, closet, and kitchen. Nothing like waiting for someone to get out of the shitter so you can rinse your soup bowl in the tub. Then it hit me:

I was a toilet and mini-fridge away from having my own reality show.

“Join us next week on Dallas Bush People when Beth’s cat gives birth to six kittens in her dresser drawer.”

Oh yeah, I smell hit series here…..

Have you ever lived somewhere you wouldn’t even let your dog live in now? Would you use a female urination device? How many goats are you worth?

 

 

159 comments

  1. A niner. I was sure it was going to be less because of the age-range question.

    This post is great fun, I love taking a meandering ride in your interesting, funny brain. Aussa keeps popping up in there once in a while to navigate traffic, but that’s okay, because her red hair is mesmerizing.

    I’ve briefly lived on the streets, but never a hovel, which made me feel dismayed once I read your question. How come I never lived in a hovel?! By all rights I should have…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I could have bet my right leg you were worth ten, my friend. 🙂

      uuuhh, living on the streets trumps a hovel, so it’s GG for the win! And now I’m dying to know this story…have you ever written about it??

      Like

  2. “was a toilet and mini-fridge away from having my own reality show.”

    “Join us next week on Dallas Bush People when Beth’s cat gives birth to six kittens in her dresser drawer.”

    “Oh yeah, I smell hit series here…..”

    OK, I just had to revisit this post.
    (I did if for the Goats)

    B,
    You crack me up. Times Five!

    Here is ‘My’ Old Goat Post (not that I am an old goat, but….never mind)
    (If I have sent this to you before…well, I have sent it b4)
    Cheeeers!
    -Lance

    “The Man Who Blew Up Goats???”

    http://wp.me/p2Yfgl-9Y

    😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Holy schmoly cheeseballs, Beth. How does goats get you to female urination devices? Not that the topic surprises me– actually, though, I remember little bags with absorbent gels in the bottom. They weren’t just marketed to women, but um, drunken guys, I guess, who couldn’t find a urinal fast enough after an international football (soccer, whatever) match. The Shenis? Just reading the “About” and “Piss/ta/monial” sections leads me to believe it ain’t practical– it’s more like a gag gift for women that hope to laugh hysterically when their guys get apoplectic fits just seeing it.

    As for goats, well, the running gag goes on. As I said to Aussa, I can’t help but think of Johnny Lingo (the original ’60s short film, not the recent reboot) when it’s mentioned. When I was in Rexburg, the “Mahanna is an 8 cow woman” reference somehow got conflated to “I’m a ten cow woman!” on someone’s T-shirt.

    Like

  4. Beth, you crack me up. And I’m glad I am not the only one strangely attracted to The Alaskan Bush people. The hubs and I watch it all the time. I have mixed feelings about these people. On the one hand I am envious of their familial bond and lack of need for the nonsense that we societal people need. One the other hand, I feel bad for the kids because they are clueless to reality. They may love this lifestyle because it is all they know but what about when they grow up … (the younger ones I mean). They will be uneducated adults that may find it next to impossible to transition in to the real world. Thoughts??

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Beth, your posts about nothing are so freakin’ funny, I love your stream of conscious! You can’t teach that, my stream of conscious is so boring and lame. If I had your brain I wouldn’t need any friends, I’d just sit around thinking and cracking myself up all the time.

    Also, is it bad that with both of my daughters, I’ve taught them to squat and pee (when hiking, etc and no bathrooms around) and each time I mention this is good training for when they’re in college… is that bad parenting? These kids today are spoiled with their Google and their Shenis’ and their flip flops where they can hide airplane bottles. How easy would college have been if we had access to all these genius inventions??? Seriously, tho, love you and your brain.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gretchen, I read this from my phone the day you wrote it and was grinning so hard! Unfortunately, I do spend far too much time alone with my crazy brain, cracking myself up. I should probably get out more….

      wait….flip flops where they can hide airplane bottles?? What is this you speak of? MUST GOOGLE.

      Like

      1. And no, it is NOT bad parenting to teach a girl to squat when she needs to! I mean…GAH, there are way too many instances where this skill comes in handy, although, I did wiz on my new shoes when we were hiking in Oklahoma over the holidays, damnit. Guess my aim is off. Thank God for waterproof shoes and wet wipes!

        Like

  6. My fellow displaced Alaskans and I often have conversations about all the ‘reality’ shows about Alaska. Our conclusion is: they seek out the craziest fuckers they can find and throw them in front of a camera. Sure, the percentage of “off their rocker” humans is slightly higher in The Last Frontier, but I blame the 7 to 8 months of winter and 6 months of missing sunshine followed by 6 months of constant sunshine. It’s enough to drive a fucker strip naked crazy. Why do you think I left? 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “strip naked crazy” hahahaha You’re so funny; I adore you, Terrye. 🙂 I wondered what Alaskans thought about shows like this. It’s like when they do shows about texans, and I’m waving in the background yelling, we don’t all drive trucks and have cow shit on our boots!! I’ve never even owned a pair of boots or a cowboy hat, but the media can stereotype the culture in regions Big Time. ha so funny.

      Like

      1. It’s EXACTLY like that. 😀 I think Sarah Palin kinda set the standard for the crazies and it’s gotten out of control.
        The feeling is mutual! 😀

        Most Alaskans are more like the guys on Deadiest Catch. My hubby actually worked with one of the deck hands during their off season. A real sweet guy. Hell if I remember his name tho. 🙂

        Like

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