What am I supposed to be doing? Packing. What am I actually doing? You’re lookin’ at it. I can’t help it! I have so much shit to tell you again, and I can’t possibly leave the state before writing this post! Let’s begin, shall we? *clears throat*
Last Thursday, this happened in the downstairs bathroom:
A baby rat snake. Not too alarming. Snakes happen, and this one was a tiny baby. I scooped it into a box (while it continually struck at it) and let it go safely into the garden. And then, five hours later, it happened AGAIN in my kitchen. Could it be the same baby snake? If so, howthefuck did it figure out how to get back into my house? Why did it want in there so bad? OR. What if it’s not the same one? What if there’s a mom rat snake in my walls or cabinetry having babies?
We would have to sell the house.
Ya’ll. I peed a little.
Approximately four milliseconds later, I realize it’s my son’s rubber snake. Soon thereafter, a two-day-prank-fest ensued. There was a lot of screaming.
Only 24 hours after the SNAKE APOCALYPSE, this showed up in our backyard:
The most beautiful, sweet, cuddly, well-behaved husky pup I’ve ever seen. She was about a year old probably, and unfortunately (for my neutered dog who was treated like a cheap whore on nickel night) in heat. We had her for about 18 hours before we located her *owners (who live on my friggin’ block!). In that 18 hours, we fell in love. Not just admiration. LOVE. Like, my kids cried when she was picked up. Like, I think about her everyday. Like, I searched Husky Rescue sights for 2 hours the next morning, hoping to find one just like her to adopt. Like, I walk my dog by her house and try to telepathically communicate to her, willing her to escape again and come “home”.
I mean, we’re not lunatics. It’s not like we named her or anything. HAHAHAHA *cough-River-cough*
*I have a
rant public service announcement. NEUTER/SPAY YOUR PETS (I happen to know the owner is not planning to breed her). And for the love of all things holy, if you have any pet, much less a breed notorious for escaping, put a f#cking tag on its collar!!! Oh, and they have this brilliant thing now called microchips! DUH.
End Rant. *adjusts monocle* (<<Maria from Behold The Infinite gave me exclusive rights to use that)
Random thoughts for no reason whatsoever:
1. F#CK OFF, chin hair! Leave me alone already!
2. I always spell acquaintance wrong and spellcheck has to yell at me. ALWAYS. (yes, even this time)
3. I guess I only had two random thoughts.
I mentioned at the start of this post that I’m supposed to be packing, which brings me to this:
I’M GOING ON A TRIP!
Where, you ask? Oh, only my favorite place in the whole-wide-world.
You know what? I’m dying to share my excitement with you, and the only way I know how is to….
HAVE A CONTEST!!
The rules are as follows: In comments, make your best prediction of what awkward/embarrassing thing will undoubtedly occur on the trip. The predictions can be as mundane or outlandish as you wish. I will ship a special item purchased during my trip to the winner! And yes, it’s possible to have more than one winner.
Examples from my impressive track record include, but aren’t limited to: pee my pants, walk into glass doors, fall out of canoes/kayaks/rafts, get completely lost, have my drink exit my nose, and fall flat on my ass in public. Also, once I did something too humiliating to say here. But it starts with an SH and rhymes with bart.
The possibilities are endless, really, so play along and make a guess. It’ll be fun! And if you’re on Instagram, keep an eye out for real-time photos!
Have you ever had a snake in your house? Does it drive you bat-shit when people aren’t responsible pet owners? What embarrassing thing do you just know I’m gonna do?