In which I finally announce the winner. #chumslick

I’ve been back from Wyoming for over a week and have yet to write. I guess I needed more of a vacation than I thought. This past ten days I’ve spent a lot of time wading in the pools of other creative venues, like watching shark week painting and reading. But the itch to write……it’s back.

**Shark Week is the only time during the year I get to use the phrase chum slick and it’s relevant. In fact, it’s become the answer to everything, similar to the ole that’s-what-she-said-last-night. I kind of can’t stop.

help me.

CHUM SLICK. (last time)

On my last post I asked for you to guess what embarrassing or awkward thing might happen to me during my trip. I got predictions ranging from totally outlandish (fall over chin hair into a den of snakes and shart on a bear) to the fairly typical (trip, or grab some guy’s ass mistaking him for the hubs, or accidentally flash a boob).

None of those things happened. In fact, it was a relatively incident free week.

Relatively.

I did walk into a column so hard it left an enormous bruise on my upper arm that’s just now fading. This column was in our bedroom, which was a loft with a severely low, slanted ceiling. I brained myself on that ceiling no less than 87 times, but the worst was my complete inability to contain my laughter when my husband hit his head, also no less than 87 times.

I mean, that shit’s just funny, right?

More than anything, this trip was chock-full of learning experiences.

For instance, I learned that incontinence is worse at high altitudes, as evidenced in the following photo series. Here I am sandwiched between my real life wife (as opposed to my blog wife) and her husband, Jeff. You can clearly see I’m relaxed and smiling.

prepee

But after repeated attempts by Jeff to get his giant thumb to hit the take-this-effing-photo button, the giggles started. When the next photo finally took, my face is all oh-shit-I’m-peeing-right-now, and I’m lower in the photo due to an emergency thigh squinch (<that’s a word)

pee

*just as an aside, this photo of my wife is likened to a yeti sighting. She was very kind to let me use it on the blog. That and I got her wasted before asking permission. Also? She technically won most embarrassing incident before we even left Texas. Using some old, over-zealous hair removal wax, she essentially burned off the top layer of her chin skin. For about three days, she emanated a reddish aura-like glow. (she’s going to kick my ass when she reads this, but it’s totally worth it)

This high altitude explosion of giggles followed by rapid thigh squinch and inevitable urine release was not a single incident.

almost pee

Double thigh squinch in the town square.

And I learned I have a “tell”. Unless otherwise occupied, my hand always covers my mouth when I’m laughing so hard that other bodily functions are a free-for-all. Here I am trying to have a civilized dinner when all hell breaks loose.

dinner pee

please don’t ruin dinner, he pleads

And these are just the incidences caught on camera.

I also learned that my impulsiveness has limits. Out of no where, I decided I’d be tempted to paraglide. After all, I’d be jumping tandem with a professional…how dangerous could it be?

It was going to happen. Until I looked it up online.

It wasn’t the price that scared me off. I mean, I expected it to cost several hundred dollars and I’d come to terms with it.

It was the Go-Cam video from an actual jump.

paragliding photo: Hard to realize how high you are DSC01048.jpg

the view from the moon just before imminent death

Ya’ll. It looked like they were jumping from f#cking space. The town below…it was so tiny. And, as with most of these adventures, you had to book in advance, which gave me too much time to think about it.

Basically, my paragliding hard-on went flaccid.

What I need is an IWRT (immediate whim response team).

You want to paraglide? BOOM. You’re jumping off a mountain. Right. Now.

You want a tattoo? BOOM. The needle just pierced your skin.

You want to do naughty things to the river raft guide? NO. Access denied. Your IWRT has strict guidelines.

In summary (finally) it was an incredible trip. We were with our friends. Everyone had fun. We hiked. We kayaked. We laughed. We ate good. We saw wild animals. We drank. We laughed some more. The hubs and I got show our boys the exact spot where we were married, and we celebrated our 13th anniversary of that marriage while we were there.

Life is good. We are beyond grateful.

So who won the contest? It was a tough call, actually. But technically, there was only one person whose prediction was pure and simple loss of bladder control, and exactly no one guessed I’d slam into a column, or ram my head into a dropped ceiling 87 times. So……

The winner is……

drumroll….

DYANNE DILLON

To the rest of you who played along, thank you for making me laugh so hard! Your comments were GOLD.

I leave you with my favorite image from the trip.  An incredibly rare (for the blogoshere) family photo. Our bodies may be back in Texas, but our hearts remain in the Wyoming mountains.

DSCN1516

#chumslick (I lied. But this is the last time. Fah real)

okay, so tell me, have you ever peed-yer-pants this many times in one week? What was your most memorable vacation? Does your spontaneity have limits?

88 comments

  3. Ohhhh but beautiful family pic in front of THOSE mountains…wow! Even more awesome.

    And finally I get to see what your IRL wife is like 🙂 I think my fave is the pic of you both falling over howling with laughter 🙂

    Congrats to Dyanne for the win 🙂

    Andddddd I may have just discovered an ENTIRE new level of hilarity to your blog…the things you named your pictures (cos when I clicked on them, the names came up, and that had me giggling almost more than the post, once I realised this was a *thing* and I went back and clicked ALL of them to see what they were called….)

    😀

    YAY! You wrote 🙂

    Glad you had such a gorgeous holiday.

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    1. HAHAHAHAH I had no idea the titles showed up like that. That’s hysterical, cuz that’s what I named them without knowing anyone would ever see that. LOL

      Yes, I LOOOOVE that pic of Bean and I falling over with laughter. That is so very *us*. I had no idea (until later, obvs) that her husby was snapping pics while we laughed.

      Thanks, BW. 😉

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      1. I did wonder…because actually they’re PERFECT and in sequence and just hilariously funny. But yeah – I figured you might’ve named them differently if you’d thunk they’d be seen. Heheheh. I’m too nosy for my own good, but it was like your blog post had a hidden Easter Egg, so I’m happy enough.

        GOOD FOR HIM! That’s an amazing pic of the two of you. The only pic of my Soulie and I (that I can think of) is the one where we wrote on each other with chocolate…we need to get some up-to-date ones. Will have to find someone to take snaps of us.

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          1. Steal away – I’m sure I didn’t invent it.

            You inspired a thing…she and I are currently on fb messenger JUST sending each other ridiculous selfies in response to one another 😀

            I may or may not now have a glitter heart *somewhere* in my cleavage from where I flubbed a pic and dropped it…

            YAY! Easter eggs!

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  5. Have I pee’d my pants this many times in one week? Uh… only like eleventy million times. Seriously, the worst is when I have a cold/flu resulting in a cough. EVERY TIME I COUGH. EVERY. SINGLE. FLIPPIN’. TIME.
    GAH!
    Also, there was that one time, on vacation in Florida, when I was convinced the waiter at Cheesecake Factory must’ve roofied my drink(s) because by the end of the meal I was unable to walk. My husband and two kids (aged 12 and 8 at the time, I think) had to carry/steer me out of the restaurant, through the mall and through the massive parking lot. And then one of them said something to make me laugh. And it all went downhill from there. That wasn’t a mild leak. The floodgates burst open.
    The real shame (as if peeing, in my pants, in the parking lot, wasn’t enough) was when we arrived at our hotel, The Biltmore in Boca Raton, and I had to do the walk of shame past the fancy lobby, the snooty doorman, the beautiful front desk staff, etc. to get to the elevators.

    Welcome back, gorgeous!

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    1. OMG THAT’S HILARIOUS!!!!! How weird that you were so “wasted” though! I wonder what happened? I mean, why roofie a lady who’s there with her family? CAHrazy. It’s like that time….well, you know….the post about me peeing in my desk drawer. The mystery may never be solved……

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    1. Aw, thanks, TD! Believe it or not, that was a last minute selfie (on a real camera where you couldn’t see what the hell you were doing). Later, on the plane, as I was sifting through the pics, I was like OMG finally a great pic of us that totally encompasses our silliness. 🙂

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  8. Ha! This was sooooo much fun to read, Beth! Congrats to Dyanne for winning! The pic of the family is awesome. I’ve never peed my pants yet from laughing but if there is a lower clearance barrier than my head will clear, it is like a coon dog on the hunt. BAM! re: glass door that I told you about last year 🙂 Risk taking adventures…i.e. paragliding. I’m interested in most of those type of activities but I find myself not willing to put myself in that situation as I have a kid I’m responsible for. Lame excuse or not it goes through my noggin’, ya know? Now, if Kate Beckinsale was the river guide (and she was single) it would be on lol! 🙂

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    1. Mike, I love that your spontaneity revolves around your child (the amazing Phoenix) and whether or not Kate Beckinsale is involved. ME LIKEY. Priorities, right?

      Back when I was in Wyoming in ’99, I did get my head slammed into a sliding glass door SO HARD my wife, Bean, had to hang up from a phone call she was on cuz she was laughing uncontrollably. hahahaha why is that stuff so damn funny? I still giggle thinking about it.

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  10. I just wet myself reading that. And it’s a good thing I wasn’t there, or that river raft guide wouldn’t have stood a chance against the two of us. Ahem.

    Your pics are awesome. The laughter made me laugh. So glad you had so much fun.

    Also, so glad it’s back.

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    1. omg, last year we were on a river rafting trip with our friends Brent and Vanessa, and V and I were lusting so bad over our guide it was almost embarrassing. His name was Max, and he was fucking HOTSEXY.
      And he was a rock climber too. *drools*
      We still have photos of him. LOL

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      1. This one time in Austin, my girlfriend and I got on one of those bike taxis. Our driver was shirtless and HOTSEXYLIKEABEAST and superduperridiculouscute, and his name was Jesse. I may have been a little less than sober which is why…cab, but I kept singing “You know I wish that I was Jesse’s girl.” He kissed me when we got to the hotel room and came up to my room and made a woman out of me….or maybe he said, “thanks.”

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    1. Oh yeah in the interest of tmi…the first year after colon removal I perfected the ability to break walnuts with my butt cheeks ( no! Not really!) ….the butt squinch as it were….

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  15. Welcome back, Beth! Lovely to see your smiley face again, and that sounds like my idea of a perfect vacation. One of my best, strangely, was spending 10 days with my folks, revisiting our old family holiday destination, a place called Wine Glass Bay. Though there wasn’t much wine drinking going on, we had a wood fire going the entire time, and I managed to get out in the winter air, and do a lot of walking through the national park. Because it was off peak, there were hardly any people around. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more energised at the end of a trip.

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  16. The wait for you to post of your vacation was worth it. I was smiling the whole way through. How wonderful that your friend’s husband thought to take the photos of the two of you laughing. They are the best pictures, as so many of us have laughed like that, holding ourselves in hopes that pee doesn’t actually flow down our legs. I love that kind of laughter.
    Great photo of your family!
    The prize couldn’t have gone to a better lady. Congrats Dyanne!

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    1. thanks! I love that he took those photos, too! I don’t think I would’ve remember all the “incidences” later if he hadn’t. I sort of laugh like that a lot so it’s all a blur. 🙂

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    1. hahahaha I know what you mean! Although, I don’t have post-menopausal as one of my many reasons for no bladder control. I guess laughter is the most fun reason. Sneezing is a bad one….it takes you by total surprise.

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  18. Your pictures tell a story of an incredibly good time! I, unfortunately, am all too familiar with the thigh squinch and its limits of effectiveness. My most memorable vacation was probably the month-long trip the Ex and I took to Europe last fall. Of course, now every time I see a picture or think of a particularly good story, I get either sad or mad. If that son of a bxxxx ruined Europe for me forever, I will be SO pissed off.

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  19. Great looking family on a great trip. That’s awesome shit right there. I forgot to guess after you answered my special time of the month question, but just between you and I and the internet, I was going to guess peed yourself next because it was still vag related. God, can I say that here? lol.

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    1. Thanks, Kim! BTW, I read your “16 favorite things” post and I LURVE that you mention the sisterwives blog! (I read it while out of town, so didn’t comment) You’re so awesome. We love you back BIG TIME. But you know this. *hugs*

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  22. That picture of you and your IRL Wife in the town square, that’s a framer. I love it! I love those moments with good friends. So glad you’re back! I love your funny stuff, cause it is soooo funny and I definitely needed a good laugh today! p.s. mountains… sigh…. glad you guys had a great trip!

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    1. AW, thanks Gretchen! As a matter of fact, I AM framing that photo! She won’t let me frame any others of us; she hates pics of herself, but that one is going on the wall! Glad the post gave you a smile. 🙂

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  23. gah! I should have predicted that seeing that it happens to me so many times!! 😀
    So cool that you went back to where you got married on your 13th anniversary!!

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  25. Ahh, too fun. The best friends are the ones who can make you pee your pants, is what I always say…

    This makes me really look forward to our long-awaited trip back to Seaside, OR soon. By OURSELVES. WITH NO KIDS. omg. It’s been so, so too long.

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  27. There have been so many great vacations, but living and working in Yellowstone was like the best working vacation ever. Your paragliding photo is so awesome. The riskiest thing I did in Jackson Hole was to ride the Alpine Slide, and it was pretty tame 😉

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  28. Oh Beth – this sounds AMAZING!!! I mean the mountains and all… not the peeing or the nonexistent pooping. I took off for a 9,000 mile month long ‘adventure’ when I turned 30 and was moving from Chicago to Columbus…

    I didn’t poop the entire month. My guy friend, with whom I climbed mountains with, canoed down rivers with and did the canyonlands in 120 degree heat with ETC.- he lost about 50 pounds. Me? Nada. Nothing. All that poop put ON weight.

    Pff.

    I peed alot.

    BUT- the month long trip backpacking and accomplishing the greatest challenges and dreams of my life?

    Priceless.

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  29. Hi Bethie, great post & superb pics!!! Wyoming is beyond gorgeous!! You know, we’ve said it before and we’ll say it again. You have the best sense of humor eva!!! As for higher altitudes…they’ve been known to cause strange behavior as you rightly said. We visited Highlands, two weekends ago, to place some of our books in local stores. And for some reason or another, found our way to the Ugly Dog (Local watering hole) where we sang Pat Benatar & Joan Jett songs & got buzzed on Michelob Light! We’re going to scrap that up to High Altitudes cuz these girls don’t sing in public! Thank goodness the “pee-thang” didn’t kick in as well!!! Luv the post girl. 😉 xoxo ❤

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  31. Ahhh everything about this is maybe too adorable for me to handle. The incontinence, the temptation to fly through the sky, the cute family. Can’t handle it. I think my favorite is the hand over the mouth while laughing. I should try that. I have a really unattractive habit of just throwing my head back and guffawing like some laboring cattle.

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    1. I know you did, Phil, and I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. 😦
      I haven’t been around either, but for less sad reasons. Just working on the novel. Trying to peel myself away a bit for that, but you know? I miss you all too much to ever totally go away. 🙂

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  36. The first time I met my husband’s family he got his mother and sister laughing at an imitation of what it would look like if his Mom used the cat litter box. And his totally gorgeous, intimidating, badass sister covered her face in laughter and then- the sound of a glass of water pouring onto the floor. She peed so hard it sounded like water dumped on the floor! I will never forget that moment. I knew I needed to marry into these people.
    And that family photo of yours? That is pure holiday card material. Go to Minted right now and order cards. Do it. While the rest of us take 96 bad photos over the next four months of our squirming kids in red outfits (or blue, or burqas, or whatever) you can laugh your ass off… until you pee.

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    1. OMFG I wanted to “like” that comment 1,000x! That’s the funniest story ever, but mostly I just really want to see this impression. Like BAD. hahahahah
      Also? My husband said the same thing about our photos. Totally going to be our Christmas card. 🙂

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      1. Oh Bethie, forgive me, I’m being selfish and your time is at a premium. What rock have I been living under? Did I forget you were writing your book? Gods luck with it Darlin’, I look forward to seeing more of you on the other side. Love and hugs, Red.

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