Bush Talk With Beth

My face must be wrinkle free, despite forty-three years soaking up sun on this planet. My tits need to be full and perky, even though two children sucked them dry. My ass should be round and tight like a ripe peach regardless of gravity and lack of lunges. My body and face are expected to be hairless and flawless, my toes perfectly polished on the end of callous-free feet. And then I open a magazine and find out I’ve been evidently neglectful of another area: my vaheina.

vahiena

What. The. Fuck.

And here I thought the three R’s were Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.

I get it to some degree. Childbirth can shred your junk, resulting in genuine insecurity and embarrassment. Sure. Get that shit fixed if you feel you need to.

Maybe I’d be more concerned if my hoo-ha was being featured in Lady Gardens magazine. Or if I fear I’ll accidently show it to my chiropractor again. Until then, I’m good.

But hymenoplasty? Who wants their hymen back? Maybe I’m missing something…please explain this to me. If it’s fo real, I’ll put it on my Christmas list.

And G-spot shots? A SHOT. IN MAH VAG.

How could this possibly be worth a needle in my situation? So I looked it up. The shot (hyaluronan, a collagen based filler) claims to make the G-spot area larger for more frequent and intense multiple and/or spontaneous orgasms. I admit, that’s intriguing. Supposedly, it’s a painless procedure (said a man, probably) which can cost up to $1,000 and lasts roughly four months. Women are doing this in droves.

Ya’ll. There are even G-spot parties. That brings a whole new meaning to, “I’ll bring the spread.”

I can’t even….

….or could I? Is the new “pamper me” splurge a mani/pedi/vagi?

Would you? Could you? Have you? Dying to hear your thoughts on this?

a-shot-in-beths-whereee

153 comments

  5. The only “injection” I want to or near my G spot is the by the guy I happen to be getting it on with. And there better not be needles involved.

    I have heard the hymen restoration is popular in some cultures where there is actual shame to a family if their daughter is not a virgin on her wedding night, but I didn’t think that was an issue here.

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            1. I think these parties are pretty much “anything goes”. If you’re going to get a shot in your vag for the purpose of amazing orgasms, you’d be crazy not to bring your pink bunny and try that bad boy out STAT.

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            3. Yeah, I’m with NTT here – what happens at these parties? I mean, is it a before, or after, situation? Do you bring needles (like I’m going to let anyone jab me with a needle down there again, and certainly not if they have a vodka bottle in one hand, are attempting to limbo dance under a coffee table or have just been crying that Gary has left them for that tart down the Co-op) or is it a sort of orgy scenario where you try out the effectiveness? Either way, I can’t really see the attraction. I mean, using a depilator is bad enough.

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            7. Isn’t episiotomy when they cut you? I just did the tear and share version. Nitrous oxide is a wonderful thing but, even so, nobody is jabbing me with needles down there again. However massive it makes my g spot.

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            8. yep. they cut you and sew you. I didn’t have one though, I had two c sections. Big cut and sew, but no needles to the snatch. In fact, I didn’t even go through all that much labor– I nearly died, and they decided it would be a good idea to take the baby out. Good times.

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            10. I just want you guys to know that although I was out of town and not able to participate while you were having this extended convo in my comment section, it was mighty entertaining to witness. haha! Love it! You all can come over to my place and discuss vaginas anytime. Mi casa es su casa. 🙂

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  6. You KILL me! It takes a lot to make me laugh out loud, but oh my gawd, you crack me up!

    I want to know, where are the penis enhancement surgeries and procedures? Balls getting saggy? Head drooping? Just a little nip and snip and tuck and you’ll be like a spry young chap again! That’s what I want to see when I open up Men’s Health magazine!

    And hey, if your lady parts bother you or aren’t functioning the way you like, then by all means, have at it. But this is just another way to make us feel like we aren’t ok. And it’s a way to make money off of our insecurities. And a g-spot shot? Holy misplaced needle! That just sounds like so many things that could go wrong! I’m wondering, what does one wear to a g-spot party? I thinks someone, a blogger, needs to go to one and write about it for all of us. I want to know what goes down at a g-spot party… I nominate Samara.

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    1. You bring up so many good points, Gretchen!!! What would I wear to a G-spot partay? I mean, you want easy access, so a skirt, right?

      And yeah, where are the expectations for men’s junk? I want firm, hairless balls. I mean, as long as we’re throwing out requests. I’m going to open a penis rejuvenation clinic and name it “JUST THE TIP”.

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    2. I think a “Nut-Lift” is in order for any dude over 40. Maybe along with a tattoo, I mean they’re really not really very pretty, and much less so when they’re hanging there, all loose and bouncing around– like your mans’ thighs are a tiny testicle trampoline.
      We go through all the pain and effort of shaving, nairing, waxing, lasering off every hair, and what do they do? They just whip out old Harry Sagging. We should start a campaign:

      Say nuts to saggy nuts! Have pert firm testicles in one quick 90 minute procedure.

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    3. I used to know a radiologist at the local hospital, and she told me that whenever men were scheduled for a MRI scan, she had to ask them whether they’d had any implants. Apparently its quite common ( and I live in a very backwoods part of England) (but not the kind that you marry your sister) for men to have had metal inserted into their penises to make them bigger and heavier. She had to be quite strict with them too, because if they lied to her, the consequences, when the machine was switched on could be quite dramatic.

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        1. Well, good luck with the research! It does seem weird, though. It can’t be comfortable. And, as my friend pointed out, if you’re in a scanner and they switch it on…suddenly you’d have a two foot long penis, or possibly none at all. Ouccchh

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            1. yes. that was really what I was trying to get across. Ouchtown. And then, when they switch it off…back down to earth with a bang. No, it really doesn’t bear thinking about. Although the saying, ‘Is that a gun in your pocket’ now has an entirely new meaning for me.
              And… I did see a blogger the other day who’d written a period drama about a woman who kept a gun in her muff. In fact, she had a special pocket for it….

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  8. There is no way on Gods Green Earth that a G-Spot injection does not hurt. Don’t believe the hype. Take it from a sister whose had a colposcopy– that thing where you spread em and they stretch it all out and look inside your junk with a microscope to see if you might have cancer? Like a pap smear on steroids? Yeah, and then they scrape some of it off, and then, just as you’re all crossing your legs in horror, THEN, they take a punch biopsy. That’s when they PUNCH with a RAZOR part of your CERVIX out, stick it in a bottle and send it to a lab.
    They tell you that doesn’t hurt either.
    Don’t believe the hype. I know what they do– they tell you they’re just going to numb you up with this OTHER GIGANTIC NEEDLE FIRST. Because that makes it all better.
    Leave your vag alone, ladies. If your vag isn’t the perfect peach it once was, it’s only because you’re older, wiser, and your vagina has reformed itself to reflect the new, better, you.

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    2. OOWWWWWWW! I need a drink or something equally numbing after reading that!

      And YES. I’d like to think my lady garden is a perfect reflection of the older, wiser, better me. haha

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      1. The Snatch only grows more beautiful with age. Unless, that is, you stick NEEDLES into it every four months. Go to any specialist in acupuncture, they will tell you that they do not turn your lovely bearded clam into a porcupine.

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    3. Holy shit. Hoooly shit.

      I went through this procedure without the DUBIOUS BENEFIT <–shouting here, see? of knowing exactly what she was doing.

      Oh. My. God.

      Now I know.

      I am so glad I didn't know then.

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    4. Yes, says the woman who went back and had the frickin’ itchin’ scrapin’ stiches remove two days after childbirth, cause if it’s just cosmetics then I don’t frickin’ care and nobody else should either.

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  9. Can I get the G spot injection anywhere? If so then I get it on the inside of my elbow so I could drink greyhounds and orgasm at the same time

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  13. I’m so HAPPY that Gretchen nominated me for the G-spot party. I’m going bring Helena and a pitcher of Greyhounds.

    I guess I’m in the minority here, but I kinda like the idea of something that would make my G-spot as BIG AS MY HEAD hahahahahaha. But not a shot in mah vag. Can we just take a pill, like in Alice in Wonderland?

    I love you, Beth. And I love this post. xoxo

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    1. Yessssss I want a second head G-spot! It would be like a giant goiter, but I wouldn’t care cuz I’d be cumming allllll daaaayyyyyyyy. hahaha

      Truthfully, you’re the only crazy, NYC gal I can forsee ever attending a G-spot party, so if/when you do, there’s a brilliant post in there.

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  14. I love how you started your post!
    Uh I’m not so sure either. I mean, I’m not pro-implants or any kind of surgeries but if someone feels like getting it done, it’s their choice.

    Me? Personally, no, nayvvver! I can’t even imagine. It does sound intriguing but they never tell you the side effects do they?
    Imagine ending up with an even un-tight vagina and absolutely sensation less G-spot!

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  15. Huh? These three Rs are new to me, too. I can’t imagine doing this stuff. This just seems another way to take advantage of the many things women feel they should do. Don’t we already have enough? Love this post though!

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  16. When I read about the G-spot shot, the first thing I thought was, “You mean I could be walking down the street, with my thighs rubbing together, and have an O right there at the corner of Main and High?” Yikes.

    Oh do you make me laugh.

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    1. They do claim “potential spontaneous” orgasms. I can just see me helping my son with homework.
      “No, honey, you have to carry the four…..ahhhhh,,,,ohhhh….OHGODYES!!!!”

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  17. I once read an article about a woman who took a pair of those (*forgotten the name – pair of balls vertically on a string and you wear ’em inside and walk around with them until…yaknow) grocery shopping, and she had such an intense orgasam in the vegetable aisle that she passed clean out on the floor, and security called the paramedics and then she had to EXPLAIN TO EVERYONE….

    Just NO!

    Also…seriously…G-shot PARTIES?! As in, you and your friends all get together with a doc and just, what, take TURNS?

    That said, at $1000 a shot for some (probably) non-medically approved, spurious, not-even-cosmetic procedure, fair play to the docs who’re convincing the rich fish to swim around in the barrel.

    I reckon I can manage just FINE in life without this 😀

    (that said, I totally want to read Samara’s blog post after she’s been to one of these parties to see what the hell’s going on)

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    1. Oh the ben wa balls? I’m jealous of the people who can get off on those. I tried them. Nada. It was like a lead tampon. I probably did it wrong or something.

      And you’re right…..the docs aren’t idiots when it comes to knowing what people will pay for it they’ve got the money to burn.

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      1. I didn’t get on with them particularly well. They were…meh. I think I just prefer the real thing 😉

        Docs don’t get mega-bucks for nothing…they go convincing people they need stuff done and then BOOM! All teh moneyz.

        Wonder what *I* can convince people they need… *pondering*

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        1. I’m not opposed to anything that claims to work, made of human flesh (that sounded weird – like I”m buying dildos made of human skin – ew! I meant a proper cock, of course) or otherwise, but the balls just didn’t do it for me.

          You should convince handsome, rich men that they need oil rubbed on their chests 3x a day (I’ll work for free, btw) if they want to keep their hair.

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          1. Mmmm but then there are some incredibly sexy guys with shaved heads out there, and they’d need oil massaged onto them as well…ummmm…I think you’re onto something. Guess we better get creating this magic oil which can ONLY be applied by *ahem* trained professionals (us) 😉

            No human skin dildos…that’s just a WRONG ON EVERY LEVEL kind of thought.

            I think a person could spend a loooooot of money on ‘things which claim to work’. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it 😉

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    1. I know, I love my lady doctor! The only doctor visit I abhor is the dentist, even though they’re super nice. I don’t want needles in my mouth any more than in my vag.

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  19. There is absolutely no way a needle is coming (hehe) anywhere near my lady parts. They are not supposed to be pretty. I’ll stick with the mani/pedi, thank you very much.

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    1. Good point, Dana. Who said they have to be pretty? Guy’s junk isn’t pretty, or handsome, or anything. Why does mine have to be pretty enough to display at a vagina gallery? I can barely make it to he waxer lady on time. I can’t take this kind of pressure.

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    1. Jeezuz, I didn’t even think about the awkward factor. I already say stupid shit and laugh at inappropriate moments when I’m nervous. I’m sure it would be the last time I was invited to a G-spot party. No one likes a giggler during vagina injections.

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  23. The next time my gal brings up the idea of me getting a ballsack lift and tuck when I get old I will show her this blog post. No way is a knife and needles coming near my balls.

    She will have to deal with a low hanging floppy slapping against the thighs sack. No vag lift for her then no sack job for me!

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  24. I’ve never given birth, so I may not be part of the target audience for that ad. But, uh, no.

    No.

    I don’t feel the need to tinker with my tingly bits using needles and scalpels. Outside of an episiotomy or other childbirth-related procedures, my answer will probably always be “No.”

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  25. That sounds about as fun as a simultaneous tax audit/root canal. Based on the lies told by ALL marketers, I doubt a shot can make your orgasms more intense. If it were true, I would be Black Friday mauling any betches in my way. If it were true though? It would be like a tattoo parlor in my man cave. (Mine is more of a cave than a garden after 3 kids.) You can’t put a price on actual better orgasms. That’s like trying to own a rainbow.

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  26. Beth, just say NO! I work in an OB/GYN office and we do what the docs call “the blue light special” – basically, tacking up the vag, putting a sling under the bladder to prevent leaks, and fixing anything that may be wrong with the poop chute. It is INCREDIBLY painful and the recovery time takes FOREVER. PLUS, it doesn’t even last forever!! You have to have it done again in about ten years or so.

    We also have people come to us for the labiaplasty – most of them active duty military women. Apparently one of then realized that she could have her labia lips shaved into perfect symmetry on the government dime if she just told her commanding officer that she was having problems doing her required running because it was “chafing against her shorts”. Once she came to us, it was like the floodgates opened – we must have had 50+ military women who wanted perfect labia and were willing to undergo surgery to get it.

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    1. Holy Labia, Batman! That’s sooooooo cahrazy, Jana! The Blue Light Special?? Wow. I can’t imagine the painful recovery…..UGH. And WTF with the military women getting labiaplasty?? How odd, seriously. I’ve never even thought about my labia for 2 seconds, combined, my entire life. I’m shocked so many people would go through surgery to change it. This is sort of fascinating, really.

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      1. If you watch a lot of porn, not that I’ve ever seen any porn, but if you watch a lot of porn, you’ll notice that some ladies have “Giraffe lips”. They’re all wobbly and jiggly, and I have spent some (maybe more than is natural) time thinking about those. If giraffe lips were my lot in life, I’d be proud of my giraffe lips, and love them like any other beaver. However, if it was my job to be naked and boinking on TV all the time, I think I’d consider a labiaplasty. Think about it, if her labia are slapping against her thighs, and his balls are slapping against his, how is the audience going to hear all their fake moans? It just makes sense, career wise.

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        1. If I were a porn star and had my girly parts displayed for all to see on a daily basis, there’s no limit to the bleaching, lasering, and oplasty’s I’d have. And I will never think of labia again without thinking of the term “giraffe lips”. Thanks for that. haha

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            1. I used to work at the Improv comedy club, and there was this comic named Beth Donahue who had a whole bit about “beef jerky clit” hahahahahah GROSS, but I’ve remembered that for 20 years.

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            2. Beef jerky clit. I’m thinking about beef jerky, and now I’m thinking about clit… No, I don’t see. One is chewey and a foot long, and the other is pink and… Really? you can get one a foot long? I’d be first in line for that.

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    1. romancing the clam….hahahahahah I love it. But why the large fingers? You need to be graceful and have incredibly dexterity to FIND the G-spot before injecting it with collagen.

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      1. Hmmm. Maybe. And depends.

        Maybe we could do the procedure that one time and then he could turn me so my vag could be forever young while the rest of me could forever 37!

        Also – would we be AT the game? Because that could be distracting… You know, for the athletes.

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        1. I was envisioning more like a big-ass flat screen to watch the game in your private room, while the vampire “injected” you, and made you forever young and volatilely orgasmic. And of course, this vampire is Stuart Townsend. Because it’s our fantasy and we can do what we want, amirite?

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  31. Do you remember the days of Avlimil? No? Me neither. (Ok, I do. I swear that stuff worked!) But I draw the line at a man shoving a needle in my stuff. (It wouldn’t be the first needle shoved in my stuff. And then I divorced him.) But a shot? Oh HAYull no.

    I think the women who opt to have the g spot shot have ultimately found a way to pay a man to be down there for more time than usual (without having to make it obvious). Such as:

    “What? It’s going to take two hours? Do you REALLY have to be down there that long?”

    (Etc.) Haha…

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    1. Avlimil sounds familiar, so I googled it. Now it’s being used for relief of menopause symptoms, but was used at first to help female libido. Hmmmm. Interesting. I don’t remember if people said it worked or not, but I guess it wasn’t a hit or it’d be a household name!

      This reminds me, last night my husband returned home from a work trip to Florida. He was early for his flight home and wandered the airport store, where he saw a “electric toothbrush for her” and he’s thinking, why do women need their own special toothbrush? Then he realized it was not a toothbrush at all, but a little pocket rocket disguised as an electric toothbrush! Holy Shit! That’s brilliant! I’m always worried about taking that stuff on a plane. No one wants their vibrator glowing on the x-ray screen! hahaha I told him he should’ve bought it for me.

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      2. Eh, I’ll just bring the husband or the pink bunny, No disguising my intentions, if some customs agent has a problem with Fiver, I’ll just as him how many bottles of lotion and boxes of tissues he packs in his suitcase.

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    1. This weekend I attended a wedding, and after the ceremony they kept announcing, “Be sure to eat something, there’s a beautiful spread!” and all I could think about was G-spot parties…..

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  35. I wanna hear more about this “spontaneous orgasm”. So how does that work? Are you just like, walking down the cereal aisle at Kroger looking for your kid’s favorite CheerioooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMYGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!

    Something like that?

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  36. Well, I’ll be darned…first I had ever heard of the G-spot enhancement. Of which, I’m a huge of fan of with ladies…hey, just sayin’ 🙂 I had known about that hymen reconstruction for a long time. There are a whole different group of church girls secretly running to get that one. I’m referring to the before marriage rite of passage. I dunno…I truly wonder if He who made us intended for us to be screwing around with our bodies so much. Yet, we have surgeries to save lives millions of times over every year. Seems a bit hypocritical if I took that former stance. Great post, Beth 🙂

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  37. I seriously don’t want to diss the male gender, but G-spot injection…. That says a lot … it really does, if woman are going for this in droves…. I mean what happened to you know plain old guy is happy when his woman actually orgasms because he is good…. hmm…..

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