I’m at my local Starbucks last week, which happens to be located inside a Barnes and Noble – I know, heaven – and I’m drinking my favorite daytime beverage,
wine coffee, with my book whisperer, Mandi, and we’re doing what all women do when we have a sliver of time to talk uninterrupted:
started conversations: 1,292, 785
finished conversations: 0
I would start a sentence, which reminded her of this *insert random thing* she wanted to tell me, and then I’d interrupt her to say, “I know, and blah blah blah” and she’d say, “No way, and did I tell you about blah blah?” and I’d say, “I like your socks!” (they had hearts for Valentine’s Day) and she said, “I like yours too.” (they were green and purple and said Your Ass Is Grass)…
You get the point. Well, somewhere amid two hours of partial-convos, we got on the subject of the odd and often hilarious euphemisms used for lady parts in romance novels, hence the title of this post: moist tulips. Here are a few more:
delicate petals; rosebud; aching core; dripping folds; love canal; lady purse; pleasure palace….what did I miss? Feel free to add to this list! It’s hard (she said hard) to say any of these without giggling, but I’ve gotta give massive props to the romance/erotica writers for coming (she said…nvm) up with such an extensive vag-term lexicon. I mean, I get it; you can’t say vagina 700X in one novel.
Speaking of names, remember when I wrote about how the license plate universe totally gets me? IT HAPPENED AGAIN. To recap: the letters (and sometimes numbers) in my license plates (and husby’s, for that matter) over the years have either made a swear word (abbreviated, of course) or a sex term. (I used asterisks for irrelevant characters)
Car 1: BJ* *69 (I mean, what are the odds??)
Car 2/1: WTF **** (Let me tell you, I loved being the WTF-mobile and was pissed when I was issued new plates after a few years!)
Car 2/2: DMY **** (could be dummy, but I preferred Don’t Mess Yourself, which is sadly relevant)
Car 3: DKD **** (dicked, or dickhead)
We died laughing when we saw the plates for our newest:
Yessss. The license plate Gods still get me. *fist bump with imaginary person*
You’re still reading? OKAY GOOD. Then I love you and I have an important announcement!
In just a handful of days, you know what starts? No, not Game of Thrones, sadly, but it is something just as exciting, dramatic and sexy. Well, to me it is.
MARCH MARKETING MADNESS
My YA paranormal novel, ORDER OF SEVEN, is (effing finally!) scheduled to be available for presale March 7 and will publish April 7. In the coming weeks, I’ll be SO DAMN UP IN YOUR SHIZ about it!
YOU, gorgeous readers and/or blogger buddies, have been an intrinsic part of this journey since I started this blog in July 2013. I’d be falling-over-humbled and over-the-moon with joy if you were a part of this launch.
Wanna help? I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER! If you’re up for a cover/blurb reveal, and/or an author interview, and/or would like to host a giveaway on your beautiful blog – please let me know in comments by using our super secret March Marketing Madness password: moist tulips.(<only pre-approved, cool people can see that. To tools and idiots, it’s just a row of hash tags) OR you can PM me directly. Either way, I’ll get back to you and we’ll have coiffee toilk.
Not a blogger, or would like to help in other ways? How about an ARC? Reviews will be imperative when this baby goes live. Don’t have time to read? Even a tweet, retweet, or Facebook share about the book is freaking awesome!
Get on my crazy train, people, because it’s way more fun when it’s so crowded we’re squished together inappropriately and spilling cocktails on each other’s shoes.
DON’T MISS OUT ON THE PARTAY!
Ever have a license plate that spelled something funny? Do you wear silly socks? Have a euphemism for male or female parts to add to the list?