Moist Tulips

I’m at my local Starbucks last week, which happens to be located inside a Barnes and Noble  – I know, heaven – and I’m drinking my favorite daytime beverage, wine coffee, with my book whisperer, Mandi, and we’re doing what all women do when we have a sliver of time to talk uninterrupted:

started conversations: 1,292, 785

finished conversations: 0

I would start a sentence, which reminded her of this *insert random thing* she wanted to tell me, and then I’d interrupt her to say, “I know, and blah blah blah” and she’d say, “No way, and did I tell you about blah blah?” and I’d say, “I like your socks!” (they had hearts for Valentine’s Day) and she said, “I like yours too.” (they were green and purple and said Your Ass Is Grass)…

You get the point. Well, somewhere amid two hours of partial-convos, we got on the subject of the odd and often hilarious euphemisms used for lady parts in romance novels, hence the title of this post: moist tulips. Here are a few more:

delicate petals; rosebud; aching core; dripping folds; love canal; lady purse; pleasure palace….what did I miss? Feel free to add to this list! It’s hard (she said hard) to say any of these without giggling, but I’ve gotta give massive props to the romance/erotica writers for coming (she said…nvm) up with such an extensive vag-term lexicon. I mean, I get it; you can’t say vagina 700X in one novel.

Speaking of names, remember when I wrote about how the license plate universe totally gets me? IT HAPPENED AGAIN. To recap: the letters (and sometimes numbers) in my license  plates (and husby’s, for that matter) over the years have either made a swear word (abbreviated, of course) or a sex term. (I used asterisks for irrelevant characters)

Car 1: BJ* *69 (I mean, what are the odds??)

Car 2/1: WTF **** (Let me tell you, I loved being the WTF-mobile and was pissed when I was issued new plates after a few years!)

Car 2/2: DMY **** (could be dummy, but I preferred Don’t Mess Yourself, which is sadly relevant)

Car 3:  DKD **** (dicked, or dickhead)

We died laughing when we saw the plates for our newest:

FKD ****

Yessss. The license plate Gods still get me. *fist bump with imaginary person*

You’re still reading? OKAY GOOD. Then I love you and I have an important announcement!

In just a handful of days, you know what starts? No, not Game of Thrones, sadly, but it is something just as exciting, dramatic and sexy. Well, to me it is.

MARCH MARKETING MADNESS

My YA paranormal novel, ORDER OF SEVEN, is (effing finally!) scheduled to be available for presale March 7 and will publish April 7. In the coming weeks, I’ll be SO DAMN UP IN YOUR SHIZ about it!

YOU, gorgeous readers and/or blogger buddies, have been an intrinsic part of this journey since I started this blog in July 2013. I’d be falling-over-humbled and over-the-moon with joy if you were a part of this launch.

Wanna help? I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER! If you’re up for a cover/blurb reveal, and/or an author interview, and/or would like to host a giveaway on your beautiful blog – please let me know in comments by using our super secret March Marketing Madness password: moist tulips.(<only pre-approved, cool people can see that. To tools and idiots, it’s just a row of hash tags) OR you can PM me directly. Either way, I’ll get back to you and we’ll have coiffee toilk.

Not a blogger, or would like to help in other ways? How about an ARC? Reviews will be imperative when this baby goes live. Don’t have time to read? Even a tweet, retweet, or Facebook share about the book is freaking awesome!

Get on my crazy train, people, because it’s way more fun when it’s so crowded we’re squished together inappropriately and spilling cocktails on each other’s shoes.

 DON’T MISS OUT ON THE PARTAY!

Ever have a license plate that spelled something funny? Do you wear silly socks? Have a euphemism for male or female parts to add to the list?

104 comments

  5. This made me LARF once I read it, BW. Vince and I had this same conversation when he was over. He claims to be the unperturbed owner of a ‘mangina’ and I decided that I probably prefer ‘ladygarden’ above ‘frou-frou’, ‘flower’, ‘beef curtains’, ‘meat-purse’, ‘wizard’s sleeve’ or *shudders* ‘clunge’, but that my favourite to yell (because sometimes that happens) is TWADGE!

    ANYwayyyy

    SO excited about your book and all the March Madness, and you know I’m RIGHT THERE! I will do whatever you want.

    (before you go there – “*RO…”)

    WAY TO GO YOU! *happydances*

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  6. I will *moist tulips* be so happy *moist tulips* and thrilled *moist tulips* to promote your book *moist tulips* on my blog. Seriously though! This is so freakin’ exciting!!! I can’t wait to soak up every juicy, delicious, luscious word that thrusts forth with urgency from the firm pages of your masterful creation.

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    1. THAT WAS BRILLIANT! I laughed so hard (she said hard). Thank you, Gretchen! I’m totally squee-ing over here! SO excited you’ll have me on your blog – you have NO idea. I’ve put your name on my list and I’ll get in touch with your soon to go over deets. LOVE YOUR FACE.

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  7. Some of the (less crude) terms for the lady parts I’ve heard (here in UK) include: tramlines, velvet glove, pussy, muff and quim.
    And good luck with the book – let me know how to access it when it’s published.

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  12. Ha, once again I learned some new terms today (ok lots of them)! Game of Thrones may not be starting but Survivor does next week! I’m sooooo happy for you and incredibly proud of you with your book, Beth! I’ve known you a long time in blog-years and it’s fantastic to see this coming to fruition for all of your incredible dedication and hard work! Luv ya 🙂

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    1. SURVIVOR STARTS NEXT WEEK??? OMG that’s the bestest news ever! The hubs and I were just talking about how boring Wednesdays are without it! I can’t wait to tell him! And thank you, sweet friend. Every time I see your name, my heart warms. I appreciate your support more than you know. *hugs*

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  13. Yessssss!!!!! I’m in and so happy and excited and proud of you.
    I run my Friday specials and hosting you would be awesome. I’m on a smelly airplane right now, but will e-mail you later.
    And, as it relates to license plates. My poor teenage drives a truck that bears the letters GRL….he thinks the universe hates him.
    Congratulations, dear Beth! Talk soon 🙂

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  17. WELL OF COURSE I’m in, darling. I’m at your complete and utter disposal. I’ve NEVER EVER hosted anyone on my site (that is, let someone write on my site) but if you’d like to sort of have a coffee at my place — interview you, you interview me, we talk about writing — sort of like an episode of Late Night with Jimmy Kimmel or something — let me know. I think it would be fabulous. (We could just chat at some point to come up with the dialogue, or we could work via a script if that makes you more comfortable)

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  20. To add to your list of girl part names, let’s reflect on your man Adam’s latest song, Sugar. He refers to it as “Red velvet”.
    Lyle says he cringes every time he hears the kids belting out this part of the song. Lol

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  21. Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips, Moist tulips. I want to read it first, then do an interview with you. I’ll do a cover reveal on my social media channels too. Did I say moist tulips yet?

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    1. I don’t think you know how happy you just made me, DANA!!! First, your comment made me laugh out loud, then I was grinning HUGE because I’m SO excited to do all that with you, then I got sort of sentimental (I know, me!) because damn, I have the best friends in the world!!! Seriously. Thank you!!! I’ll be in touch soon. YES YES YES TO ALL THE THINGS! love your face. xoxoxoxoxo

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        1. Aw, sucks to travel so much, I know that can be a beating. But it seems like you’re going to cool places! Are you able to sightsee and stuff? I’ve never been overseas so I’m jelly!

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  23. I wanna ride the crazy train . . . I may want to reserve a private car though – This is the first and last time, (unless of course I find myself actually gardening in Holland on an actual rainy day) I will probably have occasion or need to say *moist tulips*, so I’m saying it . . .

    Moist tulips.

    I’m thinking, trying so hard to think, of actual tulips dripping with morning dew *ugh* I should have commented before reading the comments.

    So *anyway* – cover/blurb reveal, read and review, tweets & retweets – I’d love to. My blog is kinda new, but a few people read it, so . . .

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  24. First of all – you and Mandi get to hang out, together, in person, in a Starbucks in a Barnes and Nobel? I’m practically sputtering, I’m just so envious! I actually have moist tulips – like, really – they just sprouted in my garden. And no, I do not mean my “lady garden” – this would be my actual garden, garden. I always swore I would never to a giveaway on my blog – but that was basically for whore-y huge corporations who had tons of money but didn’t want to pay crap to promote their latest doo-dah and not for wonderful blog friends that I love and admire and (if I admit it) am slightly jealous because they are fabulous enough to actually publish a book and not get a crushing rejection letter that actually had a lot of valid points when I think about it rationally. Where was I? Oh yes, I would love to help you get the word out about your book – anything I can do!

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    1. Jana, you might win for hilarious, rambling comment! I’m humbled and honored and tickled PINK that you’d be willing to do this for me! You have no idea. Thank you so so so much, sweet lady. And BTW, I really am ridiculously lucky to get to see Mandi in real life! She’s just as amazing as you picture her. NO. More. Way more.

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    1. SARAH!!! Thank you!! I’ll take anything you’re inclined to do, and poo to readership, you have plenty of readers, and plus, every set of eyes count. 🙂 I’ll be in contact soon…

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  27. Well, I’m always late to the party, and late with my deadlines and late with replies, but I would love to help out if I can – cover reveal, read and review – I can do those things for ya, I just cannot guarantee it will be before your moist tulips wilt. 😉

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  28. Oh – and I forgot to tell you – my postcode is BJ – which I LOVE spelling out phonetically to people, and my number plate is WG HDN, which I remember as Wriggly Hard On!

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  29. Most tulips, eh? Never heard that one. I read this article on penis nicknames on some breathy cosmo-esque thing I shouldn’t have been reading (but got suckered in by a teaser that promised I’d learn umpteen new ways “to make her scream for more” or some such nonsense) and I was taken by all the guys who tolerated the adjective “little,” just for example. Winky! Little Winky! Willy! Little Robbie! (the attached man was called Robert). That’s like naming a football team “The Hummingbirds” or a professional wrestler taking the name “The Florist”

    In my mind, if there’s going to be a pet name, it’s going to be something like “Warhammer” or “Dreadnought.” Why aim low?

    Congrats on your upcoming YA novel, though it makes me slightly uncomfortable to mix these two subjects.

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    1. HA! I suppose it is a bit risqué to mix the two subjects! However, I am putting a 17+ rating on my YA novel, and even at 17….I loved me a nice warhammer…. 🙂

      Thanks for the warm congrats and for reading/commenting! You made me larf. 🙂

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  32. Congratulations on the book!!! How exciting! I’ve had to look up lady part euphemisms a couple of times for blog posts and man, are there a ton. I’ve never seen/heard “moist tulip” though. Gonna jot that one down for future reference. lol

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    1. EEEEEEEEEP JENNIFER!!!! I’m so excited to see you over here, and THANK YOU!!! You have no idea how happy you just made me…..and not *just* because I got you to say moist tulips! hahahaha You’re awesome. I’ll be in contact soon and we can go over the deets. xoxo

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  35. I’m getting an ARC, right? I’M SO GETTING AN ARC, RIGHT? And I loved this title. I kept expecting you to get all nasty about it somehow . . . 😀

    Also, the conversation’s started and never finished? YES!! I love it so much!

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    1. Katie, OF COURSE you get an ARC! I ask so much of you already, I was skeert to ask if you’d like an ARC, but am beyond beyond beyond excited you’d like one!! I’ll be getting that to you in the next few days. MUAH XOXO

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