SKY ROCKETS IN FLIGHT

Sometimes little gifts fall out of the sky into my lap. That’s exactly what happened when my friend, Sister Wife, and blogger-buddy-extraordinaire, Samara, agreed to guest post here. If you don’t already know her (how could you not??), be prepared for passionate, fiery, sweet as pie, and funny as hell. Without further ado….

The last few years of my abusive marriage, my sexuality was completely repressed. Caging my sexuality was like adding Explosive Sniper and Super Punch to Grand Theft Auto 4 – it became decidedly combustible.

After my Ex finally moved out I was like a heat seeking missile eager to set free my libido.

Things have changed since I was married. The dating world has become so digital.

I said “no” to the online thing.

I don’t need to meet some man who hasn’t been his driver’s license weight in 10 years.

I refused to sign up to Craigslistkillers.com, so Franklin Horschuker, serial killer, could decapitate me and have oral sex with my severed head. Many women have had success with FuckASkankyHousewifeWhoDayDrinksAndLikesAnal.com, but no thank you.

I was introduced to the Cute Guy the old-fashioned way. I kidnapped him met him through a friend.

I call him that because he’s ridiculously handsome. So much so, that the first time we met I touched his face like I was reading Braille and said, “Look at you! You’re so CUTE!”

He’s also tall, muscular, funny and very sweet. Too good to be true. I’m sure he has seasonally dormant herpes.

He’ also 34. 11 years younger than me. And dates other woman, including a 28-year-old.

Jesus titty-fucking Christ. 

Sex after divorce is scary. I may seem brazen, but I’m as insecure as any woman about my body. It’s part of our job description.

My post divorce body is nowhere near what it was before I got married. During pregnancy I blew up like the Hindenburg.

It’s intimidating after a long marriage to get in puris naturalibus with someone new. (That’s Latin for “you’d know what this meant if you didn’t watch so much porn.”)

To assuage any insecurity in this situation, I apply alcohol generously. I’m a total light weight, and most hangups I have about my body are soluble in alcohol.

So are my underwear and superego.

On our first date at a tequila bar I downed shots of Rey Sol Anejo (Spanish for “I don’t remember anything”) and drunkenly hot wired a car in the parking lot. I like to showcase my criminal adroitness early in a relationship.

Our chemistry is fabulous, and we’ve had several dates since.

At NIGHT.

Because it’s dark. Because drinking and night go together. Because moonlight is forgiving.

A few weeks ago, he texted me on his day off. My car hadn’t passed inspection, and he wanted to look it over.

I answered “Yes. How is noon?”

After we confirmed, it hit me.

Is he going to want to have #sexytimes in broad daylight? With the blazing sun highlighting every flaw on my body??

Even though you might be used to making love in the obscurity of a dimly lit room, you’ll see that nothing can compare to beholding your lover in her full glory, in broad daylight.

SAID NO 45 YEAR OLD WOMAN EVER.

OH. MY. GAWD.

I totally panicked.

Sex with someone much younger, in the unforgiving light of day? SOBER?

Was sex a given?

Should I shower?

What about lunch?

What should I wear?

I couldn’t get shit-can schnockered on tequila. I had my kid’s science fair that night! I didn’t want to go stinking like a Tijuana whore.

So, I did what anyone would do.

I WENT ONLINE AND FEVERISHLY POSTED AN SOS TO MY SISTERWIVES!

They did not let me down.

Beth was the first to jump in and try to calm me down.

 threadd

I didn’t know what to wear. Wait, did I even NEED to get dressed?

Then again, not too many men find footy pajamas sexy.

Gretchen has some great advice for daytime sex wear:

gretch

Mandi, busy with her book, almost missed the whole convo.

She showed up, though. She always does for #sexytimes talk.

mandi

Eventually, the conversation just deteriorated into our usual craziness.

Sandy accidentally used the word “panties,” and Beth suffers from terrible word aversion.

panties

These women are My Tribe.  I love them.

I went through all my pre-tryst ablutions, making sure every inch of me was smooth and lotioned.

Fortunately, I had just waxed All The Things. Now I could concentrate on cleaning my house in an OCD frenzy.

It started to rain, and I did a happy dance for the cloudiness.

My house was already spotless. Earlier that week, I had done heavy-duty spring cleaning. Now it was time to do fling cleaning.

10 minutes before the Cute Guy’s arrival, I became convinced that the smudges on my window were unacceptable. In true Samara-OCD fashion, I darted around the house, spritzing my windows with Windex and rubbing them feverishly.

Yes. I DID. I cleaned the fucking windows, on a rainy day, as preparation for an afternoon hookup.

The Cute Guy arrived, bearing food and drink.  He looked even taller in broad daylight.

He never even looked at my car.

This isn’t just about getting laid in the daytime, although sex at any time is cause for a celebration, and certainly for half of WordPress, reason to bust out an erotica post.

Anytime I do something that removes me from my marriage – any steps I take that lead me further away from who I was, when I was married – are little victories for me. LIBERATION. An afternoon tryst with a hunky young guy is confirmation of how Very Single I Am.

The Cute Guy left just a short while before my kid got home. And I didn’t wander around in a fucked-out haze, smelling like a cat that got screwed over a garbage can. I transitioned from “Afternoon Slut” to “Mom With Milk And Cookies” with ease.

I was on a hormone – induced endorphin high and buzzed happily through snack, homework and even the interminably long science fair that night.

My kid won first prize at the Science Fair, by the way.

I guess that day? We were BOTH winners.

Did you ever have to get back in the saddle after a divorce?
Do you like to have #sexytimes in the day? Or at night, like a normal person?
Am I officially a “cougar”?
Talk to me. I’m listening.

10405337_1442759115994305_7842317179159256212_n (1)

Samara is the no-holds-barred, six times Freshly Pressed blogger at A Buick in the Land of Lexus. She mixes honesty with humor in high definition, first-person story telling.

Samara is a founding member of The Sister Wives blog, and has also had her work published on BLUNTmoms, Scary Mommy and Human Parts.

She lives in New Jersey with her son Little Dude, the coolest 11-year-old kid on the planet.

Follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

50 comments

  1. Oh, how I love our tribe and our level of support. THAT is friendship. Being able to come to your girls when you need naked advice and getting candid, true, and honest answers whilst having Beth pet your head. I love us.

    And Samara, I hope you had multiple *wins*.

    Liked by 1 person

        1. I don’t know, Mandi cakes. Yes, gazzing in multiples is an after effect of getting older, but so is an increased sex drive. You’re already horntastic AS it is. You’ll be a walking tent, and not the kind you camp in.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I freaking LOVE you! I’m laughing so hard right now and the funniest part? When you’re cleaning the windows!

    And day sex is the best! Especially in the morning, when you’re still a little groggy and cozy under the covers and the world is still quiet and… sorry. Lost my train of thought. Hell, sex any time of the day is awesome. And I still stand by the tank top trick. Just for those days when you haven’t worked out in a while and feeling a little less than the hotness that you are.

    I love our tribe and thank you for pulling me into it. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I love daytime happy fun time. I’m not exhausted or at risk of passing out while he’s doing delicious things to my body because I’m like half narcoleptic or something. Because when that happens (and it has), it makes me an asshole…and I don’t want to be an asshole.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This goes ditto for me after my divorce, for many of the same reasons actually. Except add the fact that I had only ever been with one woman (married out of high school) and had just turned 40. Yeah, you get the picture. My first post-divorce “tryst” was more like being told as a kid that you could eat all you want from the chocolate fountain and not to worry about getting messy.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’ve had my head down in my manuscript as well so am late to the convo. I too had to disrobe post mortem, I mean post divorce. Thank the God of your choice, that I left my granny underwear at home. You know the kind that you don’t even need a shirt when you wear them? Turns out, men don’t care about it. They just want to get laid! Thanks for a big laugh today and you go girl.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hot damn Samara this was hot! Good for you lady! All guys love a little afternoon delight! If you can get it never pass it up. You also got great advice from the sexy ladies here. Tank top was a good call. Makes me wanna get some right now. Too bad I’m at work.

    Like

    1. Phil! Do you know it was YOU who actually helped me navigate my way through the post-divorce sexual arena?

      You did. You explained that there are the “respectful” friends with benefits. I like casual, but not being treated like a doormat. Make me feel wanted and cared about, even if it’s not a committed relationship.

      You’re a sweetheart! Now go get some afternoon delight!! xoxoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Kim!
      “Slut” is one of those words I reclaimed. As long as I use it, it’s fine. Not so much when someone says it in a pejorative way!
      I’m so glad you stopped by. Love you, lady!!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I immediately went to the song… “Afternoon Delight” Aaahhhh!! Thanks Beth! Now I can’t get the damn thing out of my head! LOL! Loved the story Samara! Glad you’re gettin’ your “sea” legs back under ya… so to speak. Thanks for sharing! 🙂

    Like

  8. Excellent!! I love me some morning delight as well! 🙂 Just sit back, enjoy, savor & don’t analyze too much. Stay in the moment while anticipating only slightly, the next. Loved this. 🙂

    Like

    1. Chica!
      Thanks for always supporting me, you sweetheart! Yes, I’m not analyzing this too much. There really isn’t much to think about. 🙂
      So glad you came to see me here. xoxoxoxoox

      Like

  9. Woohoo! I don’t even know you and I am psyched for you!! And what excellent advice – as a happy bachelorette/queen of first dates, it’s rare that anyone has tips for me, but I am definitely adding the tank top one to my repertoire 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh dear, I relate to this on so many levels. My divorce decree hasn’t even officially been signed by a judge, but I’m not wasting a minute getting further and further away from memories of dirtbag. I used to joke that I would never, ever, never, ever, ever want and/or need to date again, and now, holy shit I am totally having to do being “single” again at 38. But guess what? There are a lot of hot guys out there 😉 I don’t know if an 11 year age difference is in cougar territory. My older sister is 49 and has dated someone who was 27 and 34. She’s definitely a cougar 😉

    Like

    1. Divorce is horrible, painful, stressful, brutal.
      BUT. You get to have sex with someone NEW! YAY!!!

      Being single all over again is tough, especially since the whole dating landscape has changed since we were single.

      BUT. You get to have sex with someone NEW! YAY!!! (oh, I think I mentioned that already…)

      Thanks for stopping by, Jeri! I loved having you here. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Some guy thoughts here–
    1)it’s always quietly, selfishly satisfying to hear women my age complaining about their douchebag exes, having too often been the shoulder pretty girls cried on to complain about the assholes they slept with instead of me. And now I feel guilty for feeling that way–is there no justice?
    2) Why didn’t I ever date any divorcees when i was young? Damn.
    3) I have a little crush on Beth now because she can’t stand the p-word. Me, too!
    4) Take the advice on the full naked thing. My wife is 47 and hotter than ever, despite that soft spot our twins left her with (you know the one–it’s the mom equivalent of Bronze Star). A very wise man once said, “skinny girls look great in pictures, but curves feel good in real life”
    5)”FuckASkankyHousewifeWhoDayDrinksAndLikesAnal.com” is not a real website at all. What a gyp!

    Like

  12. Hi Samara, Great post I’m happy for your that ya got that first post divorce f**k done and it was so very delicious. Love the facebook support you got, too. I’m divorced and remember well the first post marital f**k. It was delectable. Nice guest post pick, Beth!

    Like

Speak to me! I wanna hear ya!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s