The Ghostess With The Mostess

I know I’m late getting this Post-Portland-Poltergeist update on the blog, but it took me this long to recoup from four days of acting like I was 23 again. Props to my scuzzin, Mikey, who is an amazing host, often making me and Vanessa dinner or late-night snacks, showing us all around his incredible city, and taking us to the coolest bars and restaurants. Isn’t he adorbs? (ahhh the pasty glow of our pigment-lacking genetics)

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Halfway through our “reds flight” wine tasting and we’re feelin’ no pain.

First things first – let us discuss the ghost I wrote about before I left for Portland. Let me just say – most bizarre thing ever. Now, I realize there’s the tiniest possibility my cousin was doing some or all of this to freak me out, BUT, he was also talking about these paranormal happenings (making excuses for them because he approaches this from a science perspective and all but refuses to admit he has a ghost) months before my visit was planned. So while entirely possible….it’s also doubtful.

Regardless, the terror-seed was planted weeks prior to my visit, tucked neatly inside my over-active imagination and I was skeert, more so of my own imagination than anything. Turns out I handled it just fine. And by fine I mean I drank straight through those four days and only slept about 5 hours in total. #coping

A few days before my arrival, my cousin thought it’d be a great idea to share with me a video he took while in his dining room late at night. A wall candle had lit itself, and he was attempting to catch the second candle lighting on video. Watch. If you dare. I’ll wait here. *teeth chattering*

You back? Can you believe that shit? CAHrazy, but luckily my powers of denial are strong-like-bull. For some reason, we decided this was a female energy. Probably because there seems to be a concentration of activity in the dining room. We named her Mags, short for Margaret. (mother, do not read into this; this name had nothing to do with you. Most likely)

((sidenote: Prior to leaving for the trip, I did receive a private message from an intuitive who – after viewing the video via my Facebook post – informed me she *felt* the energy of an older woman who lived in the late 1800’s. As you can imagine, this did nothing to ease my anxiety))

Kayso, back to the story. Mikey lives in a very old house. And he has no TVs. As in zero. As in no noise to drown out the creaks and groans of an old house at night. This is unacceptable and he was urged to stop living like a troll and buy a damn television immediately. In the meantime, I downloaded a sleepy sounds app and cranked  “OCEAN WAVES” so high I could taste the salty air.

Night one: Vanessa and I share a room (per my request cuz I’m a giant wuss) and she has no problem crashing the second her head hits the pillow (#snoreslikeamower). Meanwhile, I sit straight up in my bed, wide-eyed, sphincter tight, trying to cope with this ghost bizznizz. After a while I start cruisin’ Facebook, intermittently dozing on and off, when a noise gets my attention. I look up and our bedroom door is open. Just like that. Without a sound.

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F#ck. That.

Night Two: It’s evening and we’re having homemade veggie lasagna made by Mikey. We’re drinking wine and talking about our day on the coast when I run upstairs for something-which-I-no-longer-recall and find the closet door (which we never used or opened a single time) ajar and the inside light ON. (no photo cuz my phone was downstairs) Of course I handle this like any mature adult. I promptly turn off the closet light, shut the door, get the hell back downstairs and drink until dawn. #denial

The cruelest irony? On the back of said closet door was a full length mirror that FACED MY BED.

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Me. For four days.

Day Three: The three of us head for some waterfall-viewing hikes and have packed a bag with snacks (pumpkin seeds, M&Ms, Triscuits, and bread: aka normal hiking food) and a few Oo7 books to drop off at these ZOMG ADORABLE “Little Lending Library” things they have all over Mikey’s neighborhood.

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Mark my words, I will make this happen in my neighborhood

ANYway, about halfway to the hiking area we realize (after much “Who did this?” “Did you?” “No! Did you?”) that a banana and pear had been placed in the bag. By no one.

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Sorry, Mags. We chose not to eat the ghost fruit

Later that night, post hiking, we sit around the dining room table, drinking and eating and talking. It’s been unseasonably warm in Portland, so we prop a few windows open with hardback books, as one does in a hundred year old house. After several hours we decide to change locations and move to the family room. We pick up our plates of munchies and carry them into the kitchen to straighten a bit. Upon returning to the dining room, we are greeted with this:

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Both windows shut. Books on floor underneath. We heard nothing.

Fortunately, we are sufficiently inebriated at this point, so we thank Mags and proceed into the family room.

Night Four: 3:00AM to be exact, so technically it’s morning of the fifth day. I’m in the carnival fun house bed, again cruising Facebook to see who was up and would talk to me, with my ocean sounds blaring in the room – not quite loud enough to drown out Vanessa’s snoring, when BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BONGITY BONG BAM.

“MICHAEL!!!!” I scream. “MICHAEL!!! What the f#ck was that?!?!”

He runs into the hallway. “What was what?”

“You didn’t hear that? It sounded like a ball rolling down the stairs!” I leap out of bed and we stand at the top of the pitch black stairway hyperventilating. Mike finally runs downstairs to flick on the light. “Omg,” he murmurs.

“WHAT IS IT?”

“A baseball. But not like the last one. This was looks used.”

This is when I recall this has happened before, a month or two ago. In the middle of the night, a baseball rolled down the stairs.

I can see that Mikey has burrowed into a thick blanket of denial at this point and is blaming it on his cat. #yeahright He nonchalantly checks the house for burglars and then proceeds to go back to bed.

On no, Maria. You can’t go back to bed. I’M TERRIFIED. But he assures me in his best “everything’s fine” mask that it was just the cat and all is well.

And then leaves me. Alone. In a deathly quiet house with a ghost that lights candles, closes windows, and throws baseballs. So naturally I message Lizzi in state of sheer panic. That’s the only time I’ve ever been grateful for our time difference. She talks to me for over an hour – including when I have to walk past the stairs to the bathroom for a whiz.

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THE baseballs

Finally, about 4:30am, I remember thinking, “only one more hour ’till the sun comes up,” and then I crash for a few, unsettled hours. After breakfast and a walk, we leave for the airport trip home. I look like a deranged crack addict at this point.

But you know what? I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Portland is eccentric and cool and popping with gorgeous Skittle colors everywhere you look. The districts are unique and accessible. The feel is unforced and laid back and naturey. Urban and hip without being uber trendy and obnoxious about it.

In other words, It’s kind of perfect. I do have one word of advice, though. If a local tells you something is “just across the bridge” or “only a few blocks that way”, promptly slap that person and call a cab. #myfeetbled

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Bikes, bikes everywhere

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DEEP blue skies.

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Don’t ask

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I’ll be back, Portland. I promise. But I’ll stay in a spirit-free hotel thankyouverymuch.

Have you ever had a paranormal experience? Have you ever been to Portland? DID YOU LOVE IT TOO? Finally, what’s your favorite city?  

47 comments

  1. You survived!!! I saw the door picture on FB. Can’t recall if I commented on it, but I got a tad scared just by reading what happened haha. I don’t think I would do this though. I do want to see Portland one day! It is definitely on my list of cities to see in The States! As for paranormal experiences? Not ghost things per se, but do odd dreams count? 🙂

    *waves*

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    1. *waves back* Hiiiiii Lovely Lubrano! MWA. I thought about you while there because I almost almost almost got that awen tattoo, but we thought about it a tad too late and weren’t able to see a tattoo artist in time. Oh well.
      and YES OMGOSH YES you must see Portland! It really is so unique, and the cool thing is you get everything there: mountains, rivers, lakes, city, and ocean. Plus so very cool.

      Yes, odd dreams count, right?? I think so.

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  3. *snorks* I’m so glad our relationship is at ‘that’ stage where not only do you take me to the bathroom in your phone, but that you announce it to the world at large.

    Bless yer boots, ya li’l ghost-huntress.

    Also Portland came up on a list of ‘most hippie cities’ the other day (Buzzfeed? who knows) anyway, ya crunchy-granola fucking hippie tree-hugger – at least that’s another way we match.

    *grins*

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      1. It would have to have organic, vegan dye, made from sustainably sourced materials, harvested by Fair Trade farmers, which had been baked into your hemp t-shirt in a kiln you made yourself…

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    1. Photots. Did you catch that? Could have been worse…could have typed photits and then we’d be having a whole different conversation…

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    2. Are photots tiny photos?? I like this new vocab word. *snickers*
      Okay, so the TP. Late one night I take a whiz and use the last of the TP. I look all over Mike’s bathroom for more and find none. I know I have to find some because the next person that goes in there in the middle of the night (most likely vanessa) is going to be very annoyed with the no TP sitch. SO. I call out for Micheal (again, waking him, which I seemed to do a lot) and he sends me downstairs (in the dark scary house) to the other bathroom….which is also out. So in the morning, Vanessa and I venture out for TP before we all have coffee and…you know…need TP. WE WERE HEROES IS WHAT I’M SAYING.

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  5. I love that you call it Mags. That is an awesome nickname.

    Haven’t been to Portland but it sounds like a dream come true. Anyway, now that you’ve had your ghost cherry popped, I just thought I’d let you know that I’m a ghost and I’m moving in. Mags says you’re a ton of fun.

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    1. Yes! I hope Portland happens again very very soon. But next time I’m bringing my family. If my husband sees Portland, I know for a fact he’ll decide we’re retiring there. yipppee!

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  7. 1. Yes, your cousin is adorbs.
    2. I would not have slept at all.
    3. I would have tried having a conversation with her and see if she can clean at my place.
    4. Glad you’re ok hun. Sounds like besides Mags freaking you out you had a great time. I love the lending library birdhouse looking things. Amazing!

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    1. I KNOW! NQA, don’t you think every neighborhood in the whole wide world needs them?? I actually heard there is a city near mine that has them. I’m totally tracking them down this week and putting my books in there. The cool thing is, I put signed books in those! So someone got a free, brand new book, signed. BOOM. Hope they love it. 🙂

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  10. You need to call your buddies at GhostHunters to check out this Mags chic. 🙂

    I would have been freaked but loving every second of it! I tried to get my son to do a ghost tour in Savannah with me (it’s the most haunted city in the US) but he refused. AND we are staying in Joe’s hometown for one night on our way to vacay and there’s an old mental hospital that has been closed for years. Like, really really old. He tells stories of sirens that would go off when one of the inmates/ patients would escape when he was growing up. When we were there a few years ago we drove through the parking lot and it was freaky and my hair was standing on end. Well, now it’s open for tours!!!! THAT would be some scary shit! Mental hospitals scare me even more than ghosts…

    And your cousin’s a cutie and he’s in complete denial. #CatsDon’tPlayBaseball

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    1. Cats don’t play baseball and neither does my cousin….so who knows where that damn thing came from. CREEPY. And seriously, the mental hospital? OMG. SO SCARY, but yes, intriguing as hell, right? well, not so intriguing that I tour it, though. hahaha I did tour a haunted hotel in Eureka Springs, Arkansas where Ghost Hunters have actually been on their show! nothing happened though, but it was broad daylight…so….

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  12. I love Portland and would live there in a heartbeat if life would cooperate. At least it’s only a day’s drive away for me, so I try to visit on a semi-regular basis. I can’t say I’ve had a paranormal encounter, but my mom swears there is a ghost at this old bed and breakfast she used to work at and paranormal investigators have visited that place as well to confirm.

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    1. Hey Jeri! That’s so cool that portland is close enough for you to drive. I’m jealous! I really want to take the hubs there cuz I’m certain he’d decide THIS is where we need to retire. 🙂

      That’s cool about the b&b! I’m assuming she had paranormal experiences there? Pretty wild. Can’t even imagine working somewhere daily where that was a normal occurrence!

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  13. I saw those little lending library things on Disney, Jr. (don’t judge…I have a six year old). A little girl decided it was a cool thing to do so all kids could have books to read. So sweet and so cool. I wonder if that’s her neighborhood or if’s just more of the same awesomeness.

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        1. I saw houses in portland who had their books in a rubbermaid bin! Doesn’t have to be a fancy book house, although in my case I have an HOA to deal with so we’d have to make them very cute and aesthetically appealing.

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  15. They’re heeerrrreeeee! (Or in your case, they’re theerrrreeee — unless you brought Megs home with you. According to the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, hitchhiking ghosts are totally a thing!

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  16. I’ve never been to Portland – would love to do a northwest US trip one of these days. You are a brave gal, Beth – I’m a wimp. I’ll probably have nightmares tonight…

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  18. I can’t believe I forgot to come back and read this UNTILJUSTNOW!!! I am so glad you survived Portland and Mags (my mom is Margaret too. Have we discussed this?)

    Portland looks gorgeous. I want to go. Right now. But I’ll stay too in a spirit free hotel.

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  19. My brother and his babies live in Portland! There ain’t nothing that’s just “across the bridge.”
    Thank goodness you had wine – I was getting drunk just reading about your adventures. Damn – I wanna go next time!!! xo

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    1. Beauty! Just saw this comment over here, sorry! That’s so cool your bro lives in Portland….do you get there to visit much? What a cool city. LOVED. But yeah, I told my cousin that my legs still have PTSD from that trip. hahaha

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    1. You know how many times I heard that? It really creeped me out to think that while I was there! *shudder* Fortunately, no one followed me home. All’s well and spirit free in the Teliho household.

      Hope you have a lovely July 4th weekend as well!

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