12 Signs You Live With a Competitive Cyclist

1. You’re repeatedly told, “Please don’t put anything in the dryer that has a padded crotch.”

2. You start to use a curiously large tube of toothpaste when you see it’s actually Chamois Butter, which is basically WD 40 for ass cheeks and inner thighs.

3. “I’m going for a bike ride in the morning” = “You’re in charge of the kids tomorrow, all day.” Similarly, “I’m just gonna run to the bike store real quick” = “I’ll see you later this afternoon.”

4. Anything you do in the name of physical fitness is going to pale in comparison. For the rest of your life, you basically suck.

Your Cyclist: I ran twelve miles today as a cool down after my 42 mile mountain bike ride.

You: *whispers into chest* I walked the dog…

5. Bikes (yes, that will be plural) have names and are treated like family.

6. Judging by the bounty of athletic equipment, your dreams of someday living in a tiny house are over.

7. Every Single Family Trip revolves around one of the following: a) an epic bike ride, b) a race they’re participating in,  c) a pro race to watch.

8. You have an entire three-shelved kitchen cabinet designated to sports bottles.

9. As the nominated “holder of the bike”, you endure hours in the garage while every millimeter and angle on the bike are meticulously analyzed for optimal performance.

10. Your cyclist wears riding apparel called “bibs”. These are flattering on no one. Look away.

11. When you hear a scream coming from the shower, you know to set out antibiotic ointment and non-stick gauze pads. #roadrash

12. Your favorite time of year is when they’re carb loading for a race because pasta.

Bonus #13: The only thing he wants for Father’s Day is a bike ride with his family.

Beast Mode

This post is dedicated to the hubs and his obsession with mountain biking. Happy Father’s Day, dude. You definitely make life interesting. Now for the love of all things holy, put the chamois butter under the sink.

Does your significant other have a hobby or obsession that takes over their life? Do you ever want to say, “Can we do ONE EFFING THING WITHOUT IT BEING ABOUT **insert obsession**?” How does it seep into your life? Tell me, I’m listening….

 

49 comments

    1. You’re absolutely right! I was going to do this post as “signs you’re living with a triathlete” but then most of the post seemed to center on cycling (because that’s his love) so I changed it. I emphasized competitive because of the very long training rides and such.

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  3. I now have terrible, TERRIBLE mental images of your other half buttering his buttock crease. Thanks for that. 😛

    If this comes up twice it’s because I am a div on WordPress when I’m on my phone.

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  5. Did your family go on a bike ride today? That sounds awesome!

    My Ex was Heavyweight Champion of the Living Room. He thought eating a big meal was cardio. Can I live vicariously through you?

    I got SO EXCITED when I saw you in my inbox. *deliberately writes sexual innuendo*

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    1. We didn’t because it poured rain all day! But don’t worry, it’ll happen as soon as it dries up around here. Bike riding to my husband means mountain biking on a trail….and I always either run into a tree or do an epic fall, which is why I don’t like to go with him. Around the neighborhood I love, though.

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  6. Ohhhhboy! a 12 mile run to cool down? I think I’d have to hand out slaps for that kind of shizz!

    And NO! HAHAHAHAH I NO LONGER HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS OBSESSIVE BULLCRAP! WHEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    Also. Not even REMOTELY frist.

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    1. Well, that was a bit of an exaggeration for the sake of humor, but he does do 40+ bike rides! Or he’ll do 25mile ride plus a 5 mile run. Either way, CRAZY NUTJOB, SIT THE FUCK DOWN ALREADY.

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  10. So true! My husband used to ride competitively, and is just getting back into it so I totally get your list! Except since mine is still getting acclimated, a 40 mile ride leaves him brain dead for the rest of the day!

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    1. really? Does he road or mountain bike? Jim wrecked about 6 months ago and tore muscles in his hand so he had to take several months off and wear a plastic cast/brace thingy. He just started riding again about 12 – 15 weeks ago, and had to ride on the road first while his hand healed. He didn’t hate it, but his soul is on the trails.

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  11. I get caught behind cyclists on these windy, narrow North Carolina/South Carolina bookdocks roads where it’s dangerous to pass for miles at a time. But I won’t post anything bitter.

    Anyway, that’s all my problem – my own struggle with impatience – and worse, the struggle for the drivers behind me who don’t seem to mind passing my and one or more cyclists around a blind turn going 60-70MPH.

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    1. Eric, I hate when cyclists are on the roads, mostly because I worry for their safety. And yes, idiot drivers make the situation worse! I wish we lived in a world where every city had bike lanes….

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      1. Me, too. The roads in my area are really too narrow for safe cycling. Of course, most of the roads in my neck of the woods don’t even have sidewalks. Don’t get me started about that!

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  12. A ha ha ha! All I can say is that I’ve really missed you, beth 🙂

    I used to do cycling centuries. I think the most I did was 112 miles, but I never did it for time or competition. I just thought it was awesome to have a really swollen crotch but have also pedaled really long distances 🙂 JK. I liked the challenge. So all of these made me LOL.

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    1. 112 sounds majorly impressive to me. We have a big “hottter than hell” 100 mile road bike challenge in Texas. Jim’s never done it, but that’s just because he doesn’t like to ride on the road. He’s training for the Leadville 50 in Colorado, 7/11. It’ll be his second time doing it. 50 doesn’t *sound* all that impressive….until you see the terrain of this race. IN. SANE. There are inclines so fierce they all have to carry their bikes up. Very rigorous and technical.

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  13. Bryan was big into extreme activities for years. We spent our now-12 year old’s 3rd birthday cheering Bryan on through an Ironman. 6:00am to 10:30 pm. Four kids and my mother-in-law in a state not our home. I’m not gonna say I’m glad his knee finally wore out, thus preventing him from doing it anymore, but I might think it.
    I know where you’re coming from.

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    1. EXACTLY. I mean, I’m super proud of him, but when he does a race…in the summer….in Texas….and wants us to travel with him and be there to support him, I’m like….UGH, REALLY? Get up at the ass-crack-o-dawn, drag two pissed kids out the door, and then stand in a field in the heat for 4+ hours?? Sounds heavenly. Where do I sign up?

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  14. Ha,ha,ha Beth! LOVE this! I have a lot of bike widow buddies who would totally agree with every single word you wrote. #10 is hilarious and so true. My son has an equally insane obsession with fishing and our home is invaded by rods, reels, bait (including live worms), hooks embedded on carpets, and more rods! 🙂

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  15. Hilarious!! The 3 shelves of water bottles I can definitely identify with, but I somehow only have lids to 4 or 5 . What the heck happens to them.!!??
    It’s not like you use them seperately.

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    1. OMG THE LIDS!! How did I forget to mention the freaking LIDS. ahhhhhhh it kills me. Sometimes I have like 10 extra (did they multiply?) or of course I can’t find the exact one I need. It’s insanity.

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  16. I don’t have a significant other, but Mathair’s hubby, (my dad) is a salvager. He loves staking out yard sales and flea markets to buy old junky things and then fix them up. Mind you, he’s brilliant at it, but the house tends to look like an episode of hoarders when he’s spent a whole weekend piddling and it drives Mathair nuts. Luckily, he’s got his own space now with a shed in the backyard and Mathair’s outbursts of “Oh God what has he gotten now” have lessened.

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  17. Holy lord this sounds like my dad! Did I ever tell you the character Joe Bridle was based on my dad? Yeah, total hoarder. He has an eBay shop and sells it so he makes a profit ( I presume) but to go visit him takes a lot of deep breathes and probably adult beverages as well. LOL

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  18. My gal just complains about my smelly gym bag and workout gear that I leave laying around. Not enough room for bikes in our small NC apartment. If we did have the space I would have a few!

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  19. Oh my gosh this is just too funny! I’m glad my man doesn’t have that kind of stamina…

    (hee hee)

    *whispers into chest* I walked the dog…” <—- HILARIOUS.

    (I love Brick.. and The Middle. Me and the kids have been binge watching it all summer!)

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    1. I LOVE BINGE WATCHING! My SIL just talked me into giving Orange is the New Black another try so I re-started watching it yesterday (ep 4, season 1) and I’m liking it a lot more this time around. Plus, I heard it gets WAY better in season 2.

      Thx for reading, sweets. Miss your face. 🙂

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  20. Hi Beth, remember me? ***Slinks in against the wall to read post from 3 MONTHS ago***

    As usual this made me laugh out loud, and so why wasn’t I subscribed to your posts? I guess I am so fortunate that the hubs and I have the same obsession with motorcycles. The down side is, we have to buy TWO of everything. LOL

    I miss you and blogging in general. Not sure if and when I will write again, but just wanted to say hi, love Roby.

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    1. ROBYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! HI sweet lady! I’ve been vicariously living through you via your FB posts about your road trip. I miss you, too. I haven’t blogged in over 2 months, so I get it! Sometimes it’s just not a priority. Life and all…. 😉

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read my silly words and for stopping in to say hi. Someday I’ll meet you irl and give you a big hug. xoxoxo

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      1. So happy you followed our travels…it was sorta like shorthand blogging, lol! Life definitely gets in the way…no, actually, I felt like I was living the experience rather than obsessing over how to blog it. Hmmm, wow that was out loud!?!

        Anyway, yes, our travels will certainly bring us to Texas again so I look forward to that IRL hug! 🙂

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