Hold My Tiara. I Have to Pee Again.

My hair is an oily, tangled mess. I’ve been in the same pajamas for three days. Okay, four. A soft, wooly layer of hair covers my legs, and that one, stubborn chin whisker gleams in the sunlight. Wrappers from food I don’t recall eating litters the floor at my feet. I wince every time my 8yo’s basketball hits the wall, and for the hundredth time, I ask the boys to be quiet, please, mommy is writing.

The hubs is not here today – he’s off competing in an endurance race.

But so am I. Only mine requires brain cells, not fitness. And instead of one day, it lasts thirty.

(Don’t worry, that’s all I’m going to say about Nanowrimo. Even I’m sick of all the Facebook updates.)


I’m trying to concentrate and avoid interruptions when I get this text:

Friend: Is it possible for my face to have cellulite?

Me: My chin says yes.

…and just like that, I’m derailed, mumbling, must blog about this while opening a new window in Safari.

I recall a show I watched the night before. A show about evolution, specifically how the female form has morphed over the centuries in response to the arrival of societal expectations.

As proof, they showed ancient rock carvings depicting women in their natural state, prior to appearance pressures. They were from all over the world, spanning dozens of eras. Most of the figures were not only curvy and soft, but also highly revered, some even princesses and goddesses.

*lightbulb moment* I’m not gaining weight. 

I’m a goddess.


I’m so close to my true goddess form

SEE? I knew I was destined to be served wine and Cheetos grapes by shirtless man-servants.

It all makes so much sense now. How foolish of me to waste my energy with things like juicing and interval training, all the while, unknowingly fighting my destiny.

Be prepared for my glory. I will be a fair and kind ruler, mostly because I will no longer experience hunger or self-loathing.

My castle will be an enormous tree house located in the middle of my elephant preserve.

I’ll shower riches to the non-asshole citizens of the world. Any remaining toxic vermin will become obsolete.

Every body shape will be considered normal. Every person will be treated equal.

Rivers will flow with wine. Chocolate? Free. 

I will declare all Mondays a holiday. Tuesday – Friday, your workday will begin at 9:30 and end at 4:00.

Teachers will be paid as much as celebrities.

The Kardashians? Never heard of them.

ALL bookstores will carry self-published books.

Acres upon acres of tiny house communities will be built to house the homeless.

YOU get a cat! YOU get a cat! YOU get a cat! Everybody gets a cat! (if you want one, but be warned, if you don’t, I might judge you.)

College will be free.

Two, separate week-long trips anywhere in the world for your entire family will be mandatory, and paid for.

While I’m feeling generous, what else would you like me to change? What do you want? What does your Nirvana look like?

Tell me, I’m listening. Mostly because I can’t leave. My man-servant is rubbing my feet.





            1. I was telling Kristi about your theory that I’m a dog person and you’re a cat person.

              I mentioned that it’s because I’m ‘licky and waggy and apt to be over-friendly’. Her response? “YES!!!!!” hehehehe

              Liked by 1 person

  1. I’d like to be able to eat junk food and not gain weight or feel like I’m going to hurl if I eat too much. Can I also ask that rude, inconsiderate people be banished immediately?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’d like to volunteer to interview all man servants. I spent two hours on Pinterest reading and watching anti aging make up tutorials. I should have called you to eat Cheetos and drink mimosas instead.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You almost had me at getting to hang out shirtless with Beth, but I don’t want no cat, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to spend two weeks with my family either. Lol. You’re silly. Get back to writing what you’re supposed to be writing, girl. I know it’s hard, because I gave up two weeks ago. Lol.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I like other peoples’ cats, yes! Can my cat live with somebody else and I can maybe visit whenever I feel like it? His name has to be either Sir Charles Tinkleton, Maximus Assimus or Mr. Sprinkles. Those are my demands! Lol.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I would like a car-free zone. (Allergies).
    Turn-signals for everyone.
    The word “stupid@ is made illegal. (Along with “moist”)
    Oh, and when I am writing, my family must fend for themselves. (that proclamation is not sticking yet)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I will gladly join you in your glory! My version of glory includes (in addition to all your great stuff) a deep soaking bathtub, a full time chef, and school that is flexible enough that airline companies won’t be able to make money by jacking up rates because there won’t be just one long summer vacation time. School will begin with meditation for all, followed by a check in to see how all of the students are doing. Classes will have no more than 10 students, and they are grouped by interests and abilities (not necessarily just by age). and I will never have to drag my butt out of bed at 0500.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Okay- so do goddess have B.O.? I need to know. Foot odor? I’m just sniffing around me and thought I should check.

    Can I rule with you? I’ve got all the same qualifications- except I’d like to add the odor as a bonus.

    How about heartache completely vanishing in nirvana. Could you wave your hands over people’s hearts and heal them from suffering? Perhaps have some kind of glitter dust that takes it all away.

    And also? While on the emotional healing thing- how about you have a special wand for physical healing as well. NO more sickness. No more broken bodies. Maybe you would train others to heal and then send them on missions to heal and report back.

    Maybe do something about people getting pregnant so easily. Perhaps there could be a class all people must take and pass to make a baby. They would be evaluated to see if they qualify for parenthood. You could sift through the details on that one…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am undoubtedly emanating an unpleasant odor, Chris. As for your last three paragraphs, ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. All pain, anguish, sadness, idiot parents, and illness….GONE FROM OUR WORLD.


  7. Favorite line……I’ll shower riches to the non-asshole citizens of the world. Any remaining toxic vermin will become obsolete.

    I am with you minus the free college tuition I recently wrote about that….cheap yes free, not so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ohhhhh I’m intrigued, Bryce! Would you mind linking that post here? I’d love to read it. I just threw out “free” without any real knowledge about what that would entail and/or do to the education system. You know, as ruler I need to know the full impact of my decisions. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  8. NaNoWriMo can get your mind a-wandering. Love it. Especially the part about the wine and the chocolate and every body is treated equally. And who are those Kar-trash-ians? A fun post, Beth. I’m still loving your Poop post – helped me begin my novel. I think of it often as my fingers fly across the keys. First draft, rough, rough, rough draft, but a draft. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YAY! So glad you enjoyed this post AND are still finding motivation/value in my writing post! That makes my day. Excited you’ve begun your novel! Stick to it! Can’t emphasize that enough. Don’t compare to others, just do your thang. You got this!


  9. Wow. I had no idea there was an exact replica of my goddess body in ancient sculpture form!! How did they know?

    I’ve been trying to convince my family that I am a goddess to be adored and waited upon for years, but they just don’t seem to understand. Somehow, I’m the one that cleans up after everyone around here. What kind of mixed up crazy world do we live in? Oh well, at least I have the gorgeous, curvy goddess body. So, yeah, I’ve got that going for me. Excuse me, I think I hear the cookies calling my name from the kitchen…..

    (Oh, and daily 2 hour bubble baths with book in one hand and glass of wine in the other, and NO INTERUPTIONS. Ahhh, nirvana!).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Misty, I hear ya with the family not listening to our demands, but as goddesses (with power) we need to enforce it. And by enforce it, I mean move out of the house. hahaha WE NEED OUR OWN GODDESS COMMUNE!

      YESSSSS to uninterrupted, wine drinking, book reading, candle flickering bubble baths! DAILY.


  10. Talking dogs. I want to know why my dog hides in the bathroom when I open the freezer. . . . And silent politicians. A fishing buddy who ties her own flies, makes great bamboo fly rods, and is just sleazy enough to make it interesting. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rob, I had to read this out loud to my husband! You’re hilarious. And so is your dog; that had us laughing too. YES to silent politicians. In fact, with me as ruler, we don’t even need those lying slime bags because I AM THE POWER. And I’m honest, fair, and kind. (< that's my platform) hahaha

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ZOMG YES no no no no no more migraines. EVER. Peas I can get on board with, but spiders? I mean, I don’t want one in my hair, but in general, I don’t mind their existence. What If I offered a zero-spider-property to you?

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Free chocolate. Yes.
    Love the cat thing. That will never get old. Thanks to Oprah for that.
    I know a few people who would hate the cat part, but I love my Lumos, so I am not one of them.
    But please, keep the peas. They are glorious vegetables.
    Yay also to Lisa’s idea of never-ending freelance work.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Awwww…it’s been way too long since I’ve read you, Beth. I think of you every time I see a tree, an elephant, or a pretty hidden door.
    What’s my nirvana? A beach, a mountain, and roses all in one spot. And never having to get groceries again.
    Love you like chocolate pretty lady!!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Well now I’m convinced that Bernie Sanders STOLE YOUR IDEA! And I still volunteer to interview and test drive (I mean train..silly fingers have a mind of their own) the man servants.


    1. Hahaha, that was me btw. In disguise. Shhhh. Looking forward to you ruling me, though if you’re used to a man who does endurance races, you’ll be sorely disappointed in my servituding. Is that a word? It should be. Okay, by now!

      Liked by 1 person

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