My hair is an oily, tangled mess. I’ve been in the same pajamas for three days. Okay, four. A soft, wooly layer of hair covers my legs, and that one, stubborn chin whisker gleams in the sunlight. Wrappers from food I don’t recall eating litters the floor at my feet. I wince every time my 8yo’s basketball hits the wall, and for the hundredth time, I ask the boys to be quiet, please, mommy is writing.
The hubs is not here today – he’s off competing in an endurance race.
But so am I. Only mine requires brain cells, not fitness. And instead of one day, it lasts thirty.
(Don’t worry, that’s all I’m going to say about Nanowrimo. Even I’m sick of all the Facebook updates.)
MY POINT:
I’m trying to concentrate and avoid interruptions when I get this text:
Friend: Is it possible for my face to have cellulite?
Me: My chin says yes.
…and just like that, I’m derailed, mumbling, must blog about this while opening a new window in Safari.
I recall a show I watched the night before. A show about evolution, specifically how the female form has morphed over the centuries in response to the arrival of societal expectations.
As proof, they showed ancient rock carvings depicting women in their natural state, prior to appearance pressures. They were from all over the world, spanning dozens of eras. Most of the figures were not only curvy and soft, but also highly revered, some even princesses and goddesses.
*lightbulb moment* I’m not gaining weight.
I’m a goddess.
SEE? I knew I was destined to be served wine and Cheetos grapes by shirtless man-servants.
It all makes so much sense now. How foolish of me to waste my energy with things like juicing and interval training, all the while, unknowingly fighting my destiny.
Be prepared for my glory. I will be a fair and kind ruler, mostly because I will no longer experience hunger or self-loathing.
My castle will be an enormous tree house located in the middle of my elephant preserve.
I’ll shower riches to the non-asshole citizens of the world. Any remaining toxic vermin will become obsolete.
Every body shape will be considered normal. Every person will be treated equal.
Rivers will flow with wine. Chocolate? Free.
I will declare all Mondays a holiday. Tuesday – Friday, your workday will begin at 9:30 and end at 4:00.
Teachers will be paid as much as celebrities.
The Kardashians? Never heard of them.
ALL bookstores will carry self-published books.
Acres upon acres of tiny house communities will be built to house the homeless.
YOU get a cat! YOU get a cat! YOU get a cat! Everybody gets a cat! (if you want one, but be warned, if you don’t, I might judge you.)
College will be free.
Two, separate week-long trips anywhere in the world for your entire family will be mandatory, and paid for.
While I’m feeling generous, what else would you like me to change? What do you want? What does your Nirvana look like?
Tell me, I’m listening. Mostly because I can’t leave. My man-servant is rubbing my feet.
FRISSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!
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*glee* oh BOOM, baby!
(*goes to read post*)
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hehehe WELL DONE, BW! We fristed each other! wait, that sounds bad……
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Heheh that ALWAYS sounded bad, but I still love that we do it 😉
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Awesome! I needed to laugh this morning. I’m totally the same way sometimes while writing. Get distracted by a new writing idea and just HAVE to write on it while it’s overtaking my brain. =)
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Hey Jennifer! Nice to see your smily face! yeah, not good to get distracted and waste an hour an a half of writing time, BUT, whatdoyado? I had to. 🙂
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My darling BW, you are completely beautiful just as you are. I know. I’ve met you.
Pretty please can I have teleportation and dual citizenship?
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YES. Teleportation and dual citizenship. Done.
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Thank you ma’am. Any chance of a subsidiary wish of enough money to go to college? (I’ll be your personal masseuse thereafter…)
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COLLEGE IS FREE! ^^ It’s written up there.
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OH! I thought I read this post. Clearly I skipped the ‘actually paying any attention’ part. OOPS! 😉 Nvm, I shall bring tribute and beg your forgiveness, goddess xo
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goofball. 😉
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HEYYYYYY! I was just talking about you 😀 ❤
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Yeah? I hope it was good. 🙂
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I was telling Kristi about your theory that I’m a dog person and you’re a cat person.
I mentioned that it’s because I’m ‘licky and waggy and apt to be over-friendly’. Her response? “YES!!!!!” hehehehe
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Oh, hahaha. YAAAAS. You’re such a dog person, it’s not even funny.
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*grins* Hey, I DIDN’T LICK YOU THOUGH, DID I! Promised I wouldn’t. And didn’t.
So there’s that.
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I’m infinitely grateful you didn’t lick me. I’m still recovering from the fact that Hasty did.
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*snorks* I KNOW! hehehehehe that was HILARIOUS. But she’s lovely and amazing, and the fact that you can go out there and say that Hasty licked you? Pretty awesome really…
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I’d like to be able to eat junk food and not gain weight or feel like I’m going to hurl if I eat too much. Can I also ask that rude, inconsiderate people be banished immediately?
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Consider your wishes fulfilled!
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I’d like to volunteer to interview all man servants. I spent two hours on Pinterest reading and watching anti aging make up tutorials. I should have called you to eat Cheetos and drink mimosas instead.
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*Takes off shirt and begins rubbing lotion on his nipples.*
What time is the interview? I’ll stop and bring some tacos, if that’s okay?
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NOT bringing tacos is considered a crime.
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Tacos are my favorite. You get the job.
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Yes, you should have. (anti-aging? WTF you look ten!)
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10 + 30.
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baloney
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Much needed belly laugh with a side of pervy…..:)
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happens to be my specialty. 🙂
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You almost had me at getting to hang out shirtless with Beth, but I don’t want no cat, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to spend two weeks with my family either. Lol. You’re silly. Get back to writing what you’re supposed to be writing, girl. I know it’s hard, because I gave up two weeks ago. Lol.
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Well, by family I obviously meant spouse (kids if you have ’em and want them around). I just think everyone should be able to see the world. WHY DONT YOU WANT A CAT? You love cats. Admit it.
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I like other peoples’ cats, yes! Can my cat live with somebody else and I can maybe visit whenever I feel like it? His name has to be either Sir Charles Tinkleton, Maximus Assimus or Mr. Sprinkles. Those are my demands! Lol.
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Maximus Assimus shall hereby reside at my tree house. You can visit whenever you like.
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I would like a car-free zone. (Allergies).
Turn-signals for everyone.
The word “stupid@ is made illegal. (Along with “moist”)
Oh, and when I am writing, my family must fend for themselves. (that proclamation is not sticking yet)
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I just dry-heaved because you used the M word. *shudders* Thank you for suggesting it be illegal. Done.
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Paid family leave until kids are school age. Basically, can your goddesses make the whole world Sweden except with a better climate?
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YESSSSS. Exactly!
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I’d like to start with having cubicles outlawed. And I want negative calorie cookies.
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oh, I like the way you think. DONE.
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I request that all clothes turn themselves right side out before going through the laundry. And that I get my own man-servant, handpicked from your Pinterest board.
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Pinterest mention FOR THE WIN! hahaha
Yes, and pockets emptied of gum wrappers and used tissues. WAIT. We don’t have to do laundry anymore at all!
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I will gladly join you in your glory! My version of glory includes (in addition to all your great stuff) a deep soaking bathtub, a full time chef, and school that is flexible enough that airline companies won’t be able to make money by jacking up rates because there won’t be just one long summer vacation time. School will begin with meditation for all, followed by a check in to see how all of the students are doing. Classes will have no more than 10 students, and they are grouped by interests and abilities (not necessarily just by age). and I will never have to drag my butt out of bed at 0500.
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I hereby bequeath you “Assistant to the Queen”. I totally need you to help me plan; your ideas are dah bomb! Love your ideas for school and YES TO A FULL TIME CHEF ZOMG.
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Of course, I need to make sure you have my fluffy pillow-laden swinging bed ready … because … twinsies have to be given refuge. #elephantpower
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Silly woman. Of course your swing bed will be ready. Who do you think is going to help me save and care for all the elephants?! #twinsie
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O Luscious Goddess,
Could you get me maybe a steady stream of freelance contracts and income? Not a fortune, just enough.
And a cat who doesn’t shit on my floors.
That is all.
Love, me.
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*waves wand* CATS WILL NO LONGER PISS AND SHIT ANYWHERE BUT LITTER BOXES.
It had to be done. And YES to a steady stream of work for all.
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Do you hear that Rotten Cats of mine??? IN THE BOX, DAMMIT!
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DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE AND WAVE MY WAND AGAIN, CATS!
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Make that a “Self-Cleaning” Litter Box please!
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AMEN!!
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I like your world, oh Goddess! But how about…
Margarita fountains, and tex mex everywhere, but please, no mandatory cats!
🙂
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ohhhhhhh yes yes yes! Me needs a margarita fountain, and LAWDY I love me some Mexican food. Okay OKAY, you don’t have to take a cat.
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Yay! 🙂
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Could you please pass me an extra large tiara?
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YES. Tiaras for everyone!
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My nirvana includes daily massages. Also my roots would never need touching up.
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omg you people are GENIUSES. Daily massages = MUST. It shall be decreed.
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You have no idea how badly I want this to be true. Like so bad. ERMagerd!
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In my head, Jess, it’s all very, very true. Take a little ride on my crazy train and it’ll be true for you, too. 🙂
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Okay- so do goddess have B.O.? I need to know. Foot odor? I’m just sniffing around me and thought I should check.
Can I rule with you? I’ve got all the same qualifications- except I’d like to add the odor as a bonus.
How about heartache completely vanishing in nirvana. Could you wave your hands over people’s hearts and heal them from suffering? Perhaps have some kind of glitter dust that takes it all away.
And also? While on the emotional healing thing- how about you have a special wand for physical healing as well. NO more sickness. No more broken bodies. Maybe you would train others to heal and then send them on missions to heal and report back.
Maybe do something about people getting pregnant so easily. Perhaps there could be a class all people must take and pass to make a baby. They would be evaluated to see if they qualify for parenthood. You could sift through the details on that one…
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I am undoubtedly emanating an unpleasant odor, Chris. As for your last three paragraphs, ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. All pain, anguish, sadness, idiot parents, and illness….GONE FROM OUR WORLD.
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Favorite line……I’ll shower riches to the non-asshole citizens of the world. Any remaining toxic vermin will become obsolete.
I am with you minus the free college tuition I recently wrote about that….cheap yes free, not so much.
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ohhhhh I’m intrigued, Bryce! Would you mind linking that post here? I’d love to read it. I just threw out “free” without any real knowledge about what that would entail and/or do to the education system. You know, as ruler I need to know the full impact of my decisions. 😉
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Hi Beth – thanks for asking….http://wasthatmyoutloudvoice.com/2015/11/13/do-you-value-free/
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Thank you!
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NaNoWriMo can get your mind a-wandering. Love it. Especially the part about the wine and the chocolate and every body is treated equally. And who are those Kar-trash-ians? A fun post, Beth. I’m still loving your Poop post – helped me begin my novel. I think of it often as my fingers fly across the keys. First draft, rough, rough, rough draft, but a draft. Thanks.
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YAY! So glad you enjoyed this post AND are still finding motivation/value in my writing post! That makes my day. Excited you’ve begun your novel! Stick to it! Can’t emphasize that enough. Don’t compare to others, just do your thang. You got this!
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Wow. I had no idea there was an exact replica of my goddess body in ancient sculpture form!! How did they know?
I’ve been trying to convince my family that I am a goddess to be adored and waited upon for years, but they just don’t seem to understand. Somehow, I’m the one that cleans up after everyone around here. What kind of mixed up crazy world do we live in? Oh well, at least I have the gorgeous, curvy goddess body. So, yeah, I’ve got that going for me. Excuse me, I think I hear the cookies calling my name from the kitchen…..
(Oh, and daily 2 hour bubble baths with book in one hand and glass of wine in the other, and NO INTERUPTIONS. Ahhh, nirvana!).
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Misty, I hear ya with the family not listening to our demands, but as goddesses (with power) we need to enforce it. And by enforce it, I mean move out of the house. hahaha WE NEED OUR OWN GODDESS COMMUNE!
YESSSSS to uninterrupted, wine drinking, book reading, candle flickering bubble baths! DAILY.
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Talking dogs. I want to know why my dog hides in the bathroom when I open the freezer. . . . And silent politicians. A fishing buddy who ties her own flies, makes great bamboo fly rods, and is just sleazy enough to make it interesting. 🙂
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Rob, I had to read this out loud to my husband! You’re hilarious. And so is your dog; that had us laughing too. YES to silent politicians. In fact, with me as ruler, we don’t even need those lying slime bags because I AM THE POWER. And I’m honest, fair, and kind. (< that's my platform) hahaha
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🙂
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Nope. Nothing to add. I’m good. *bows* Cats. Check. Wine and chocolate. Check. Houses for homeless.
Goddess. 💛
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Ooh! If you could get rid of migraines… Actually, if they just didn’t exist in this world. That would be good. Also, peas. And spiders.
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ZOMG YES no no no no no more migraines. EVER. Peas I can get on board with, but spiders? I mean, I don’t want one in my hair, but in general, I don’t mind their existence. What If I offered a zero-spider-property to you?
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I’m not gonna lie….I love it when someone bows to me. I may shower you with extra chocolate. 🙂
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Extra chocolate and a spider-free space?! You are a goddess.
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I thought I was the Goddess!
xx kiss from MN.
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There can be more than one, Kim! I can’t do ALL the fair and kind ruling. That shit’s just exhausting, amirite?
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Oh this is awesomeness, Beth!! I want to live in your world for ever! Free booze too? 🙂
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I want you to live here, too, BHC! Do you even have to ask if there’s free booze? I mean…it’s me, as ruler. Do the math. hahaha
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DUH, why did I even ask??? I guess I got distracted with talking about them gatos! 🙂
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Free chocolate. Yes.
Love the cat thing. That will never get old. Thanks to Oprah for that.
I know a few people who would hate the cat part, but I love my Lumos, so I am not one of them.
But please, keep the peas. They are glorious vegetables.
Yay also to Lisa’s idea of never-ending freelance work.
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Peas for the masses! or whoever wants them….. 🙂
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As much as I love to eat them, I think I love podding them even more. Yes, I have been called odd.
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Awwww…it’s been way too long since I’ve read you, Beth. I think of you every time I see a tree, an elephant, or a pretty hidden door.
What’s my nirvana? A beach, a mountain, and roses all in one spot. And never having to get groceries again.
Love you like chocolate pretty lady!!
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You had me at “pee”…fun stuff!
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Just dropping by to say I hope you had a terrific Thanksgiving and long holiday weekend!
Also, as ruler can you also banish Donald Trump from the planet?
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omg, just seeing this comment from ONE YEAR AGO and yeah, wish I’d listened to your request!!
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OMG! Hahahaha!
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I stopped fighting my true goddess form ages ago. Where’s my damn wine and cheetos? I have missed you, my friend.
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Well now I’m convinced that Bernie Sanders STOLE YOUR IDEA! And I still volunteer to interview and test drive (I mean train..silly fingers have a mind of their own) the man servants.
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*shakes fists at sky* damn that Bernie stealing my ideas! hahaha And yeah, I have a few I need test….er….trained.
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Well hot damn! I guess I’m a goddess too!! Booyah bitches!
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Hahaha, that was me btw. In disguise. Shhhh. Looking forward to you ruling me, though if you’re used to a man who does endurance races, you’ll be sorely disappointed in my servituding. Is that a word? It should be. Okay, by now!
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I was gonna ask who this was but I can tell from the sarcasm and wit that it is non other than my fave police officer! ❤
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