My hair is an oily, tangled mess. I’ve been in the same pajamas for three days. Okay, four. A soft, wooly layer of hair covers my legs, and that one, stubborn chin whisker gleams in the sunlight. Wrappers from food I don’t recall eating litters the floor at my feet. I wince every time my 8yo’s basketball hits the wall, and for the hundredth time, I ask the boys to be quiet, please, mommy is writing.
The hubs is not here today – he’s off competing in an endurance race.
But so am I. Only mine requires brain cells, not fitness. And instead of one day, it lasts thirty.
(Don’t worry, that’s all I’m going to say about Nanowrimo. Even I’m sick of all the Facebook updates.)
I’m trying to concentrate and avoid interruptions when I get this text:
Friend: Is it possible for my face to have cellulite?
Me: My chin says yes.
…and just like that, I’m derailed, mumbling, must blog about this while opening a new window in Safari.
I recall a show I watched the night before. A show about evolution, specifically how the female form has morphed over the centuries in response to the arrival of societal expectations.
As proof, they showed ancient rock carvings depicting women in their natural state, prior to appearance pressures. They were from all over the world, spanning dozens of eras. Most of the figures were not only curvy and soft, but also highly revered, some even princesses and goddesses.
*lightbulb moment* I’m not gaining weight.
I’m a goddess.
SEE? I knew I was destined to be served wine and
Cheetos grapes by shirtless man-servants.
It all makes so much sense now. How foolish of me to waste my energy with things like juicing and interval training, all the while, unknowingly fighting my destiny.
Be prepared for my glory. I will be a fair and kind ruler, mostly because I will no longer experience hunger or self-loathing.
My castle will be an enormous tree house located in the middle of my elephant preserve.
I’ll shower riches to the non-asshole citizens of the world. Any remaining toxic vermin will become obsolete.
Every body shape will be considered normal. Every person will be treated equal.
Rivers will flow with wine. Chocolate? Free.
I will declare all Mondays a holiday. Tuesday – Friday, your workday will begin at 9:30 and end at 4:00.
Teachers will be paid as much as celebrities.
The Kardashians? Never heard of them.
ALL bookstores will carry self-published books.
Acres upon acres of tiny house communities will be built to house the homeless.
YOU get a cat! YOU get a cat! YOU get a cat! Everybody gets a cat! (if you want one, but be warned, if you don’t, I might judge you.)
College will be free.
Two, separate week-long trips anywhere in the world for your entire family will be mandatory, and paid for.
While I’m feeling generous, what else would you like me to change? What do you want? What does your Nirvana look like?
Tell me, I’m listening. Mostly because I can’t leave. My man-servant is rubbing my feet.