This is who I’m wearing.
OH. You meant what clothes am I wearing? Of course. Of course. We’re talking real life. My fashionable, jet-setting, Oscar winning, paparazzi filled, rolling in diamonds, sex tape leaking real life.
Get your cameras ready. I brought it all out for the red carpet today.
Now stop being so jealous! You can have this look! I plan to donate the entire ensemble so you can feel worthy and valued! For just $500 you can get my used clothes, which include but are not limited to:
That sexy, oversized, nearly twenty year old sweatshirt
Hot, slimming yoga pants that I may or may not have slept in two nights in a row
Thick, fuzzy socks
My “house” bra
and if you order right now, I’ll throw in the reading glasses. That’s right!
How did I look so sexy in that photo? Easy! Posing lessons. But I’ll tell you my secret. Shhhhh. This is just between us. Turn your back to the camera, then look over your shoulder, like who me? Give a serious look with a little pout. Wear no make up. And the cherry on top? Don’t wash your hair for two days. See? Easy!
If you look like me, food will taste better, your boyfriend will look like that guy up above, and you’ll be generally happier. Pinky swear! Because I’m valued more in this society than you…so you must aspire to me and my outfit to matter.
You want to matter, don’t you?
I thought so.
This post was (obvs) a tongue & cheek look at the absurdness of award season, and is in honor of everyday women everywhere because REAL IS SEXY! Join in! Just visit a hosts blog (you can do that by pressing the photo above) and share your own “who are you wearing” photo. You can also tweet about it with the hashtag #WhoAreYouWearingMom
Oh. You’re still here? Well, I’m in two places today. I’m cowardly, sorta kinda, pimping the fact that I’m also on the INCREDIBLE blog, The Insomniac’s Dream, where Starr gave me a safe place to be totally naked. Figuratively! Pervert. (oh, you know I like it when you’re pervy)