Night Of The Menage Attack

So I went to a party over the weekend at a neighbor’s house down the street. I sat in the backyard for the first half of the evening with a friend, sipping drinks and enjoying the cool breeze. The hubs was with me for the first hour or so, but for the part of the story in question he was at home getting beauty sleep since he’s ambitious and does things on weekends like triathlons. Weirdo.

Anyway, at some point I wandered inside to the host’s dining room – I honestly can’t recall why – and walked up on two women sitting there. One was a little slumped over, clearly had had too much to drink. The other woman seemed totally fine.

The first thing I noticed about the sober one was she was pretty. Not the giant, silicone cans – too much makeup – Beverly Hills type, but the tall – thin – naturally beautiful type. The kind of woman I expect to a) be uppity and b) ignore my presence. But, she surprised me by immediately reaching out a hand to introduce herself. She had a firm handshake, in case you’re wondering, which is a huge deal to me. I hate limp willie handshakes. Anyway, she was chatty and warm, asked about my kids, how I knew the host, etc. etc.  As I was leaving the room, I heard her murmur, “She’s so sweet,” referring to me. Hmm. I like this gal.

Later in the evening I ran into her again in the kitchen. She was excited to see me and greeted me with an enthusiastic, “Hiii!” We yammered about this-and-that, about how her dress was from Target, (she’s frugal and down-to-earth. love her!) when she began interjecting things like, “you’re so beautiful,” and “you’re so pretty.” I’m not one to take compliments well, so I blushed and stammered, but at the same time I’m thinking, this chic is my new BFF! I’m already envisioning how great it would be to take her shopping:

ME: How does this outfit look?

BFF: It’s perfect. You’re beautiful. You look like Kate-Frickin-Moss in everything.

ME: Should I get bangs?

BFF: No, you’re perfect the way your are. But if you do you would rock them cuz you’re stunning no matter what.

ME: You’re the bestest bestie evah!

BFF: No YOU are!

ME: No YOU are!

(ahem) That wasn’t pretty. Look away.

She then introduced me to her husband who was planted on a barstool. He was very nice and also had a firm handshake. He reached over saying I had something on my face only to gently swipe the side of my nose. We laughed. I got the joke. He was poking fun at the stud in my nose. It was a little chummy that he TOUCHED MY FACE and I’d known him all of 7 seconds, but his wife was showering me with flattery so I let it slide. I’m shallow cool like that.

She complimented my top, she oozed over my children, saying how handsome they were and they must get their looks from mommy…..

and then IT happened.

New BFF to her husband: “Honey, isn’t she beautiful?”  “Isn’t she cute?”  “Isn’t she gorgeous?”

Whoa. *takes new BFF off speed dial* Why is she saying this stuff to her husband? Why is she asking HIM?

This. Just. Got. Awkward.

I mean, what’s he supposed to say? You don’t ask your husband if another woman is pretty in front of said woman……unless….unless….

No. It couldn’t be. That’s preposterous. But what if it’s not? Holy Shit Balls. Are they into Menages? My mind instantly went to the Seinfeld episode where Jerry’s girlfriend calls his bluff and wants to have a 3-way with him and her friend, but he can’t bring him self to do it. It’s hilarious, but now I’m starting to relate to it on a whole new level. One I do not appreciate. I glanced at the husband. He was smiling at me all, cat-that-ate-the-girl-from-the-party.

So this morning when we woke up in bed, they were all, that was HOT.

KIDDING. But if you’re into that sort of thing and you just got a visual, you’re welcome.

I understand I could be way off base. She could be totally secure with herself, and obviously her marriage, and was being genuinely sweet. Maybe I’m just not used to that behavior so I read it wrong. Perhaps she had had more to drink that I thought. Maybe she just found me irresistibly adorable. I mean, who doesn’t? Probably.

Or….what if my gut was right? What if they sought me out like some sort of prey, and I was on the menu? Sweat beaded my forehead as I began to panic. What if they corner me in the bathroom? What do I do? I mean, I can’t go through with it, but I did really want to go shopping with her….holy orgy, Batman….

….what do I do?…..

….how do I get out of this?…..

SALVATION

in the form of a tired 9yo who was ready to go home. YES, SWEET BABY JESUS, MOMMY WILL TAKE YOU HOME RIGHT NOW. And thank you, precious child, for ending my night and thus a very uncomfortable situation to explain to your father.

I waved bye to my EX-BFF, thanked the hosts for their lovely party-con-love-triangle, and went home.

So now I ask YOU: Was that strange behavior or am I being a total nut-case? I’m soooo looking forward to your comments!

Editors note: I was going to title this post, I Think She Wants My Boobies, because the last few days a lot of attention has gone to balls via my last post, and I’m nothing if not fair. But then I was like, what if that looks like I’m trying too hard to put stuff like boobs and balls in my titles? And if I were, is that so bad? Anyway, I obviously ended up going with another title, but I want the record to show that I was even steven in my representation of all things round and hangy. Thank you.

56 comments

  1. OH. MY. DAYS! This just made me laugh so hard 😀

    I’m really pleased you’re paying attention to both sides of ‘things round and hangy’ because this was freakin’ HILARIOUS!

    SO glad I found you this weekend 😀

    The party sounds intense. I’m glad your kid interrupted, because while your ‘new BFF’ might’ve just been enthusiastic, the husband’s behaviour seems suspect.

    Is it wrong of me to wish you’d’ve stayed to find out properly though (awkward as that exit conversation would’ve been)? 😉

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    1. haha! Thank you, Lizzie! I had a feeling you might appreciate this post. Yeah, you and my husband both kind of wish I had stayed around to see what their intentions really were. I think he was more flattered that me! He was all, that’s right, my wife was hit on by a couple! Easy fella….

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      1. Bwahahahaha! I guess that endorses his good taste, if nothing else. But WOW! I guess at least he didn’t get jealous and grouchy (though, if he ever does anything to piss you off, you can at least hold this over him – the whole “Remember, honey, I have OTHER options open to me…”

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    2. First of all, a big shout out to my CopyEditorCrush Lizzi for finding you! WOW. Totes love the full frontal nerdity of that post! I don’t know what to say other than, you are candid with you thoughts I should be candid with mine…

      A- Yes, you are a total hottie (I stalked you)
      B- Uhhh the pseudo offer could have gone either way, its hard to tell sometimes people are weird!
      C- Is it weird that I’m jealous I have never had the chance to be solicited for a triangular type thing? I think yes, no one should want to feel awkward and poached. Right?
      D- I forgot what D is for but it’s not my bra size
      E- The last part of your post was my favorite… over thinking boobs and balls? Thank you for being such a feminist and including boobs, but also I love that you are a ball buster.
      F- Can I comb your hair? If I do and sing will it make me younger? Do you think the reason I’ve never been solicited for a triangular type thingy is because I look like mother Gothel? Have you seen Rapunzel?
      G- I have to stop typing and edit now, otherwise my CopyEditorCrush will be disappointed in me. (I do love how she lets me make up my own spelling though, and my liberal use of….)

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      1. Hahaha! Hi! You’re a little cra cra, aren’t you? ME LIKEY!
        A) thank you for reading!
        B) yes, you can brush my hair. And sing. If you like. As long as this doesn’t get all Norman Bates creepy. But I don’t think it will make you younger. I apologize.
        C) is not my bra size
        D) is
        E) love you for sharing, and being funny, and stalking me. Now I’m comin’ to find you! 😉

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    1. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I was flattered as shit! Haha! I was just surprised and flustered at the same time. And I wasn’t sure either, so I didn’t really have anything to turn down….yet. 🙂 Thanks for reading LaTonya!!

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    1. Ah. Mah. Gahd. TWICE? You must be a total ménage magnet?! Now I’m sort of jealous in a weird way…like, why am I not getting more offers? Oh, because I NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE EXCEPT FOR CARPOOL OR TARGET. That might be why. I hear the ménage crowd don’t necessarily prefer sweats and T’s with jelly stains. Anyhoo….

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  2. The thing that got my attention was how your thoughts of this woman transformed throughout the night. First you thought she would be “uppity” and “ignore your presence” because she was pretty. Interesting because from what I can see you are pretty too. Then how you decided she was cool because she was warm and friendly. And then transforming one more time because of the creep factor of the possible threesome; which would have had me relieved when my child wanted to go home too! 🙂 Glad you have an understanding with a good sense of humor husband, it is always nice to see couples laugh about such things instead of getting angry and having an argument.

    I am enjoying reading your posts.

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    1. Hi again Morgan! Thank you again for reading, and thank you for the lovely compliment. 😉 I will briefly touch on that (w/o dragging you down therapy road) and say how someone looks doesn’t necessarily reflect how they feel on the inside. That’s not to say I don’t feel pretty, but let’s just say I didn’t always feel that way and it’s taken a long time to become comfortable in my skin. So, when I see *pretty* women I go back to judgments I made as an adolescent (based on how I was treated on some occasions) that became part of me, ingrained into a belief system. Does that makes sense? You are very insightful, and I appreciate your comments. I could do a whole post on this…..

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  3. They totally wanted you. You’d be amazed at how many swinging couples are out there, trolling for hotties. 🙂 Not that I know anything about that from personal experience. I swear. I just hear things. Did this reply just get weird? I think it did. :::backing out slowly:::

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  4. It was like she was grooming you right there. She totally wanted a three-some weird and yet kinda a compliment I guess, but more weird. BTW you go to some interesting parties. My neighbors are no nearly that evolved.

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  5. Yes, she was grooming me, that’s the word exactly! Why did a scene from Silence of the Lambs just pop in my head? “she takes the lotion and puts it on her skin” he yells down into the well. *shudder*

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  6. Holy shit, Beth! The norm would be to act appalled, but I have to say Mathair and I are proud. So, you go on with your bad self and embrace your sexiness. LOL They were definitely scouting, and you handled yourself perfectly, because I would’ve clammed up, and clamming up for me is a basey, very loud hoarse laughter, which would’ve been awkward. Great post!

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  7. I’m not into anything crazy like that, but I sure would be flattered by the attention! And I personally think you can never talk enough about balls…and boobs. In fact, I wrote a book called When Good Boobs Turn Bad: A Mammoir. I’m on my second set of boobs now and they are way cool. So boob it up!!

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  8. haha! Thank you! You’re awesome – I love you already! *boob it up* lol.
    Congrats on your 2nd set, that you and they are healthy and doing well, and you are WAY COOL. Thank you for reading. *blows kisses*

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  9. From tears to insane laughter. I think I just woke the husband. Your editor’s note sent me over the edge. I don’t think you were reading into it wrong. I would have felt the same way.

    Of course, I would have just patted the man’s hand and laughed quietly, “Oh, darling. There are easier ways to commit suicide.”

    My husband…Yikes. Not a super friendly guy in those kind of deals.

    Thanks for the laugh #SW!

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    1. Oddly, my husband was flattered. He’s was all, that’s right! People want to do my wife in a 3-way! Yes!
      Hahahaha. Had he been there, however, and it was a man who was hitting on me….it would’ve been an entirely different story. One that ended in a man having his ass handed to him by the hubs.

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  10. Ok I thought I was losing my mind on this one because I KNOW I read this one because it was the first one I ever read! It was love at first sight! And now I see you reported it. Phew! I’ve not lost my sanity just yet. 🙂 Anyway, this was just as hilarious the second time around and such a perfect reminder of why you’re awesome. xx

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    1. That’s so cool, I don’t think I knew this was the first one of mine you read! I love this story, not only because it was such a bizarre night I’ll never forget, but because it was SO fun to write about. 🙂

      I LOVEADORE YOU TOO, SISTERWIFE!!!!

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  11. “I was even steven in my representation of all things round and hangy.”

    The fact that you think about things like this is what makes you so freaking delightful.

    …and adorable…

    …and gorgeous

    …am I making it creepy? (I hope so.)

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  12. My husband would also TOTALLY be flattered if something like this happened to me. I have a story involving red skinny jeans, and 2 old men at a Loverboy concert last summer…but I’m saving that for mah own blagh!

    When I read your inner panic attack, I just pictured a cartoon devil on one shoulder, and a cartoon angel on the other:

    Angel: “This is weird and awkward and you should leave.”
    Devil: “But THINK of all the shopping you could do…”

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    1. It’s true, that’s verbatim what was going on in my head. I struggled. Because…shopping with constant validation. I need that.

      *rubs hands together* I can’t WAIT to read your post that you MUST write now that you’ve mentioned it!!!! Any story involving skinny jeans and two old men MUST BE TOLD.:)

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  13. Ohhhhh you and I…I and you…we make two lol. I can’t tell you how many times people have come up to me asking if my husband and I swing. I think I must put of that VIBE.

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  14. I find it increasingly challenging to work people out. Sometimes, it can be nice to be surprised. But not always.

    I once went to a fancy dress party as Robinson Crusoe, beard grown especially, tattered sun bleached clothes (some asked “so how are you different?”) There I sat drink in hand when a French maid came and sat on my knee quickly followed by a girl dressed as the lead singer of the Razillos, who sat on my other knee. The maid whispered in my ear “Parlez-vous français?” To which I replied “Je parle un peu” Which she followed up swiftly with “Eh bien voulez-vous envie d’un trio des escaliers dans la chambre à coucher?” Up to that point, being English, I couldn’t see the point in learning a second language.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh sorry, Kit. I don’t know how I missed this comment. And yes, it’s time to learn a new language when two beauties sit in your lap and whisper sweet-nothings in your ear! (I rather love the look of a scruffy, tattered, sun bleached look. yum)

      and most definitely, it is impossibly hard to figure people out. I guess that’s why life is still so damn interesting. I love that I can still be surprised.

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      1. Learning a new language comes with its own risks. I learnt Spanish before travelling through Galicia only to realise that they speak a different dialect. Got me in to loasds of bother! Fun though

        Ive got the tattered & scruffy look down to a fine art now…well apart from when I’m cycling haha

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  15. You are hilarious, I was laughing hard! But yes, I tend to think your instincts were spot on. I’ve been in your position a couple of times, and I know the discomfort and beading sweat all too well. Isn’t it annoying that the only time strangers are super warm and friendly it’s either because they want to convert you to their religion or have sex with you?!

    Firm handshakes are a big deal to me too.

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    1. UGH you’re so right about that, GG. How many times have I met someone who seems so interested and “present” with me, and I think, oh they really like me, only to realize I’m either being sold something, or they want me to ride their husband while they watch. (<<just kidding on that last part. that hardly ever happens;)

      Yes, once my inner alarm started sounding, it was alarmingly uncomfortable. sweat beads fer sher!

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  16. Now I’m thinking that I need to get out more, see if I can’t pull myself some couple attention! Just to see, you understand. Let’s put it this way, if what happened to you happened to me I would not be having any doubts about their intentions. I wonder if she’s the one who has to do the scoping, approve and then seek hubby’s aye, aye. Sounds very much like it.
    Aren’t kids the best at coming to the rescue even though I’d like to know how they would next have proceeded? You really can’t make stuff like that up.
    Btw my husband would have been the same. I don’t know how I’d have felt if it had been him though. 😉
    Don’t know that we get much of this in and around Glasgow. Gawd, I do need to get out more!

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    1. Yes, she was the fisherman and the bait all in one. I was the poor, unsuspecting fishy. They wanted to bring me home to eat. Oh, that analogy just went wrong, and far too naughty. But you know what I mean. hahahaha

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  17. I’ve been on both sides. The weird situation did noooottt work out. They were so awks. Basically iy consisted of some chick getting really drunk and grinding on me while her husband sat on one side of the room and my husband sat on the other and pet their dog. (No thats not a euphemism for anything actually exciting) She actually tried to convince me to put my kids to bed there and spend the night. We did not.

    Like

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