Month: January 2014

Who Are You Wearing?

This is who I’m wearing.

sexy men photo: Men Sexy img-145113qwth7bonnetaille-1.jpg

OH. You meant what clothes am I wearing? Of course. Of course. We’re talking real life. My fashionable, jet-setting, Oscar winning, paparazzi filled, rolling in diamonds, sex tape leaking real life.

Get your cameras ready. I brought it all out for the red carpet today.

selfie2

Now stop being so jealous! You can have this look! I plan to donate the entire ensemble so you can feel worthy and valued! For just $500 you can get my used clothes, which include but are not limited to:

That sexy, oversized, nearly twenty year old sweatshirt
Hot, slimming yoga pants that I may or may not have slept in two nights in a row
Thick, fuzzy socks
My “house” bra
and if you order right now, I’ll throw in the reading glasses. That’s right!

How did I look so sexy in that photo? Easy! Posing lessons. But I’ll tell you my secret. Shhhhh. This is just between us. Turn your back to the camera, then look over your shoulder, like who me?  Give a serious look with a little pout. Wear no make up. And the cherry on top? Don’t wash your hair for two days. See? Easy!

If you look like me, food will taste better, your boyfriend will look like that guy up above, and you’ll be generally happier. Pinky swear! Because I’m valued more in this society than you…so you must aspire to me and my outfit to matter.

You want to matter, don’t you?

I thought so.

who-are-you-wearing-2

This post was (obvs) a tongue & cheek look at the absurdness of award season, and is in honor of everyday women everywhere because REAL IS SEXY! Join in! Just visit a hosts blog (you can do that by pressing the photo above) and share your own “who are you wearing” photo. You can also tweet about it with the hashtag #WhoAreYouWearingMom

Oh. You’re still here? Well, I’m in two places today. I’m cowardly, sorta kinda, pimping the fact that I’m also on the INCREDIBLE blog, The Insomniac’s Dream, where Starr gave me a safe place to be totally naked. Figuratively! Pervert. (oh, you know I like it when you’re pervy)

I’m Down, But Not Out

*the views expressed in the beginning of this post are not necessarily the views of the blog owner. In fact, the blog owner is a little pissed about it, but HAD to let this part be written. Or Else. Capeesh?

You ever have one of those days where you just wake up feeling like a failure…at everything?

Consistently exercising – FAIL
Being a good daughter – FAIL
Being a good enough Mom – FAIL
Being a good enough wife – FAIL
Being a good enough friend – FAIL
Being a writer – FAIL
Being a good blogger – FAIL
Flossing enough – FAIL (okay, I’m being funny here, but it’s TRUE)
CONSISTENT IN ANYTHING – FAIL
Actually, I’m pretty damn consistent in failing, which would be a win if it wasn’t FAILING.

I’ve got the blues.

FAIL

Thank you for your time, I’m done now.

*******

OKAY BETH IS BACK. Thanks for indulging Negative Nelly. She has to be let out from time to time. I mean, she’s part of me so I’m forced to acknowledge her feelings. Probably. Whatever.

BUT

I’m gonna to turn that frown upside down

Welcome to the:

*Scraping myself up off the floor edition of TToT*

I hurt my back again. I’m not sure what I did, but I’m grateful. This back pain reminds me that I’m not being active enough. My muscles are no longer strong. It’s been a wake up call.

This happened over the weekend to our kitchen floor:

floor

We’re assuming it’s foundation problems, although we won’t know anything for sure until we have it looked at by professionals. We were pretty freaked, but then reminded ourselves: Our kids are healthy, and we are still IN our home and have our keepsakes and possessions, unlike tornado or flood victims. If all we have to worry about is how this might inconvenience us or what it might cost us, we don’t have problems.

It’s been over a month since I quit my daily migraine medication. NO MIGRAINES!! Well, there was that one six days in, but I’m not even counting that. I can stay off my meds! YIPPEEE!

Veganism has taught me to love cooking again. In the past I was not inspired to cook. Handling raw meat grosses me out (well, there’s some meat handling I enjoy…wink, wink), not to mention that most meat-meals are not my favorite. But now I’m loving exploring new spices and new recipes. I find myself skimming cookbooks, dog-earing new ones to try, and sometimes even cooking just for fun and freezing it for another day!  WHAT? I know!

I’m thankful for a warm day amidst a cold winter. The better part of this past week was FAHreezing, but this weekend was really nice. I walked the dog today and let the sun warm my shoulders. It was sort of magical.

I’ve learned some things about myself recently, which is good, because if you don’t realize your flaws they continue to be flaws. I’m a perfectionist who gets discouraged very easily. I hold my own standards (no one else’s) impossibly high, and then crash with disappointment when I don’t meet them, inevitably giving up, or not trying to begin with. I have beliefs about myself that are wrong, and they continue to road-block me from success because I believe them. I am terrible about comparing myself to others in every aspect imaginable, and then beating myself up for not being good enough.

If you have a day/week/month where you are at the bottom of the bottom…you only have up to go. Failures are there to learn from and improve upon. Negative beliefs are there to disprove. Flaws are there to make us human, empathetic, and dynamic. Bad things make us appreciate the good.

I’m grateful even when I’m blue, because at least I’m here, feeling things. I have the luxury of getting back up, dusting myself off, learning from it, and moving on.

And plus, how can I be sad when Downtown Abby comes on tonight??? RIGHT!?

Things are looking up.

Ten Things of Thankful

Do you ever get the blues? Do you ever feel like a giant failure in life? Do you compare yourself to others to your own detriment? Please tell me this doesn’t just happen to me!

Inside A Man’s Head

Not that one. The one atop his shoulders.

-Pffft-

Remember What Do Women REALLY Want? where Mike M. interviewed me, Kristi, and Joy in his quest to understand women? Well, we flipped the tables and are back to ask HIM questions! And you know we didn’t hold back….

Just when you wrap your brain around what we asked, his answers will…well, see for yourself. Go on….it’s right here.

And don’t blame me if you leave with the theme song from Three’s Company in you head. Jes sayin’.

Come and Knock on Our Door….

I’m Out Way Past My Curfew!

What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

WHAT.

Okay, sorry. That was terrible. But I had to get the naughty out of my system – I’m over at Past My Curfew today because Mike was drunk generous enough invite me over to play.  I wanted to behave myself over there at his awesome blog. I think I did. Maybe.

You be the judge.

Do it. There’s another joke and everything. Go here.

That Time A Bear Ruined My Honeymoon

bear-crossing-warning-8777653
“How do you feel about the eighteenth?” I asked Jim, my fiancé at the time, while trying to plan our trip. I’d never desired a wedding, so we chose to elope and surprise everybody.

“Works for me,” he shrugged.

“Okay cool because Aunt Flo will happen the week before so I think we’d be clear even if I was late, but there’s no way I’d be that early.”

“Whatever you wanna do is fine with me,” he said kissing the top of my head.

“Cool! We have a wedding date!”

Fast forward to August 19th, in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. We had just become husband and wife, and were enjoying our week long honeymoon. We were hiking a trail that ran along the perimeter of Leigh Lake. It was close to sunset. We rounded a corner….and froze.

black bears photo: BROWN BEAR black-bear1.jpg

We’d read all the advisories: “what to do if you come face-to-face with a bear“:

Don’t turn your back to them, it’s too submissive and they will attack.

Don’t look them in the eye, it’s a challenge to them.

Don’t run, you’ll elicit a chase.

Back away slowly so they know you’re not a threat.

But when fear seizes your throat, the fright and flight instinct has a way of moving your muscles for you.

We turned around, immediately breaking the first rule. Shocked. Scared. We began walking away, quickly, but good lord it was such an effort to keep from running. We had no idea if it was following us.

After what seemed like forever and every cuss word in the book uttered under panicked breath, we braved a quick, over-the-shoulder glance.

Whew! The trail was clear, but we didn’t slow our pace. Gripping each other’s arms we continued to fast-walk the hell outa there.

“Wow, that fucker was huge,” I panted. “It was so creepy the way it was just standing in the trees, swaying.”

“Standing? I saw it run across the trail towards the water. Looked like a baby.”

black bears photo:  z_IMG_5079.jpg

A chill ran up my spine. “Mother of God, there were two! A mother and her baby! Mothers are the most aggressive!”

growling bear photo: BEAR species-spotlight-grizzly-bear-brown-mouth-open-black-nose-attacking-growling-biting-photo.jpg

“Holyshitholyshitholyshit we were just so damn lucky!” he said glancing over his shoulder again.

As soon as we confirmed she wasn’t after us, we started running. In fact we ran like chicken-shits all the way back to the car.

Half an hour later we arrived at our hotel room, still shaken, not able to believe what had just happened. You hear about seeing bears in the wild, but when you actually see one right in front of you, it’s astonishing how terrified and vulnerable you feel.

I went to the restroom to empty my full bladder, relieved I hadn’t peed my pants in the woods, and that’s when I realized something horrific.

The bear sighting had scared me so bad, it awakened Aunt Flo.

 Three weeks early.

On my honeymoon.

That bitch.

angry woman photo: k305zg305n kad305n angry-woman.jpg

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose honeymoon has just been hosed.

Have you ever had a bear encounter, or seen some other large animal in the wild? Or, have you ever had a vacation ruined by something unexpected? I love to hear your stories!

I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop

Bucket List And The Butt Dance

I want to talk about money.

Specifically what I would do with a butt-load of it.

What would I do with a million dollars? I would do frickin’ everything! Including check off my entire bucket list, which would be easy cuz it’s very short. I just started it, don’t judge.

Beth’s Bucket List (in no particular order):

1. Travel overseas. Specifically the U.K., Greece, and Italy.

2. Attend a Winter Hockey Classic game.

3. Live in a tree house. (shut up)

aaaaaand that’s all I have so far.

Now what else would I do with all that cash? Aside from paying for my kids’ college, and helping my parents, and yeah yeah give money to a charity or two (The Painted Turtle and The Elephant Sanctuary)….

I WOULD:

Travel.

Move to Durango, Colorado. Have a kick-ass tree house built for us to live in.

Buy my husband his dream bike, and a bike shop where he could build/fix bikes for the rest of his days.

Hire a personal trainer to make me get my ass in shape. I need accountability, apparently.

Since I gave a butt-load of money to The Elephant Sanctuary, they’d let me live on the grounds a few weeks out of every year and help take care of the elephants. Yippeeeee! This has nothing to do with spending mula. It’s a realization I just had, and  I’m very excited about it.

Work as a writer the rest of my days.

Until I have this money, however, I will tell you what I’m thankful for right now.

1. The WaxVAc. Because the commercial is so damn ridiculous it always makes me laugh. And the concept is so disgusting it’s brillz. Who thought of a tiny earwax vacuum? I want to meet this person.

2. Almond milk ice-cream. Thank god for it or I don’t think I could do this vegan thing.

3. Yoga pants. (see #2)

4. My IRL friends. I have a tight little group, and sometimes I don’t know how I’d exist without them.

5. Kittens. That aren’t mine, but that I can play with for hours and then leave and not deal with a litter box or piss on my bathmat. Because kittens.

6. The butt dance. My sons do this hilarious dance that makes me laugh no matter how irritated I might be.

7. Smut. That’s right. smut. My love for all naughty things, and the fact that my friends are 1) aware of my need for smut, and 2) just as pervy as me. I got a very special text photo from my friend, Mandi. it was so good I had to sit down a minute. Then Leigh sent me a delicious meme on Facebook. Thanks, ladies. Just when I think my Pinterest board is getting old hat, I have my friends supplementing my need for half-naked hotties.

8. HOLY SHIT I MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO TEN THIS TIME! (this counts as one, ya-huh!)

9. Chelsea Handler.

10. Those little dog poop bags. This needs no explanation.

**This was a combined post for FTSF whose prompt was If I had a million dollars, I would… hosted by the amazing Mommy, for RealJanine’s Confessions of a MommyaholicFinding Ninee, and Canigetanotherbottleofwhine

And Ten Things of Thankful, hosted by the incredible A Fly on our (Chicken Coop) Wall, Considerings, Finding Ninee, Getting Literal, Home On Deranged, I can say mama, I Want Backsies, RewrittenThankful MeThe Wakefield Doctrine    Want to join the fun? You should! Go to any host’s blog and link up! TToT goes live Friday night (I’m early). FTSF is live NOW!

Ten Things of Thankful
Finish the Sentence Friday
What would you do with a million dollars? Do you have a bucket list? I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS!!

What Do Women REALLY want?

Today I’m over at the The Insane Asylum where Mike asked three lady-bloggers some very provocative questions in his quest to learn What Women Want. Personal questions. And we answered HONESTLY.

WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?

To see what Kristi, Joy, and yours truly told him, press HERE. Harder. Oh yeah, baby, Do. Not. Stop.

talk dirty photo: Talk dirty to me talkdirty.jpg

NAPS, ZOMBIES, AND SUNSHINE.

 

I took a bit of a blog hiatus, two weeks to be exact. I made it about eight days before I started blog stalking everyone else, but I’ve been gone from my mine far too long. A special shout-out to Mandi, Don, Lizzi, and Mike V. for making sure I got my butt back to writing. Thanks guys, it’s nice to feel missed and loved.

FIVE MAJOR THINGS I DID DURING MY BLOGVACAY

1. Awesome activities, like naps. A lot of naps. I read a book, finally (Unteachable, by Leah Raeder. It. Was. Amazing) I finally got my own ereader and don’t have to compete with the kids for the iPad, so many more books will follow – yippee! And I spent time with my family – watching movies, throwing footballs, playing board games…all of it. Heavenly.

2. I decided to go off my migraine meds. My memory loss was actually starting to get a little scary. Ten years from now, I want to remember my kids. I’ve been on such a low dose the past few years, I decided to see if I could exist without them now. I’ve been 100% meds-free for nearly a week now. So far so good.

3. Completely change my diet and go VEGAN. I know, it sounds extreme, but for me it’s really not. I used to be vegetarian, back before the kids were born. After my second child, though, I caved under the stress of having to prepare four separate meals (hubs was never vegetarian). The crazy thing is, this was all his idea! HE wanted to go vegan! It’s been over two weeks now. Love. It. Feel. Great.

4. I played a butt-load of Plants vs. Zombies. Why? Because I could, and damn I love that game. I also accidently discovered Candy Crush. I blame Karen of Baking In A Tornado. She’s always talking about it on Facebook. I was searching for a new game for my 6yo on the iPad and came across . Poor kids hasn’t even seen it yet. But I’m kicking butt, so there’s that.

5. Dung out and organize every drawer, closet, and cabinet in the entire house.

**BONUS ROUND**

6. Construct an awards post. WHAT. That’s right. Surprise!

The tantalizingly talented Lanthie Ransom of Life Cherries was sweet enough to give me a Sunshine Award. A few weeks later, another came my way from the wise-beyond-her-years, incredible Gwen of Little Growing Pains. I adore both their blogs and am honored they thought of me for this award! Love ya, ladies! XOXO

The rules: Display the award on your blog. And that concludes the rules I’m going to follow so I’ll just stop there.

I’M GOING ROGUE. IN SEVENS.

Arbitrary Beth Facts that are getting really boring because I’ve already told you all the surprising stuff:

1. My eyes are green.

2. I  love the smell of pipe smoke.

3. I have a mule named Festus.

4. I have a weakness for Junior Mints.

5. Hockey is my favorite sport.

6. I don’t have a middle name. I have an initial – D. I used to think of names that started with D to say were actually my middle, other than my brother’s suggestion: douche. The D is in honor of my grandmother’s name, Doris. I guess I’m glad my middle name isn’t Doris. BUT STILL.

7. When I was in third grade, I got in trouble for bringing one of my dad’s Playboy magazines to school. I had told my buddies, Stan and Freddy, that I found the magazines in my parent’s closet. They didn’t believe me, so I proved it to them. The takeaway: don’t ever accuse me of lying. I will go to enormous lengths to validate myself.

My Questions:

1. If you could go back in time ten years and tell yourself one thing, what would it be? Exactly 10 years ago I was pregnant with my first child. I would tell myself: The sonogram was wrong, it’s not a girl! Don’t buy all that girlie stuff!

2. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? That’s a tough one. I really love Marzipan by Ben & Jerry’s. I also love Birthday Cake flavor ice cream. Who thought of that? Geniuses, that’s who.

3. Gwen asked: If you were to take me on a date, where would we go and why? Gwen, I would take you to France in my private jet. You seem like a really smart, savvy, fun girl and I think we would have a blast going to the Louvre and then chowing down on some pasta and acting all French at a sidewalk café. Maybe the Tour de France would be going on at that time and we could cheer them on wearing funny outfits and we’d be on TV. Then we’d go shopping and I’d buy you new shoes and an amazing purse.

4. Above all else, what are you afraid of? Being a disappointment

5. What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? Try out for a movie role that costars Meryl Streep, who plays my mother, and Jennifer Lawrence who plays my sister. It would be a drama about a woman (me) torn between two lovers. My love interests are played by Charlie Hunnam and Aaron Taylor-Johnson. It would be rated R due to the explicit sex scenes.

6. What has been your favorite age to be and why? So far my forties have been amazing and far better than any other age. I just like where I am in life. I’m a very lucky girl.

7. Coffee or tea? COFFEE!

BLOG NOMINATION TIME!

This is the Sunshine Award so I’m nominating bloggers who bring sunshine into my life with their fabulous writing. If you haven’t already been to their blogs, DEFINITELY check them out! I have so many I could choose from since my blogroll is longer than any human could possibly keep up with, so I limited it to ones I haven’t given an award to before.

Nominees: do with this what you want. No obligations. If you choose to do an awards post, answer the questions I had to answer, and give 7 facts about yourself. Then nominate any amount of bloggers you choose up to eleven. (I broke that rule, but I’m doing this for two awards so screw it.)

1. Cellulitelooksbettertan

2.  Considerings

4. InionNMathair

5. UniversalMusings

6. TheMomCafe

7. donofalltrades

8. Babygatesdown

9. TheRegularGuyNYC

10. CurvyRoads

11. MyInnerChick

12. IAMTHEMILK

15. amycakeandthedude

16. Samaraspeaks (I realize you just received one, but I could NOT leave you off this list!)

17. confessionsofapartimeworkingmom

Congrats everybody! You deserve it!

blog award- sunshine photo: Erin from PhillipsFam sunshineblogaward.png