I took my kids to the movies today. Luckily, we scored seats in the very back row, which means mommy can play on her phone….until my 10yo got all preachy about it and made me get off because he was afraid we’d get kicked out. I find that goody-two-shoes behavior ironic when he’s the one who did this magical project in school, which his father and I saw for the first time displayed ON THE WALL at open house this past Thursday. It’s titled (I shit you negative) “How To Be A Pain In The Bum”
It’s hard to read, so allow me:
1. Do everything at the last minute
2. Don’t ever shut the door
3. Do not clean any messes
4. Ask for money everyday
5. Persuade your mom for everything she ever has said no to
6. Sneak video games into your room at night
There are drawings to accompany his instruction, including one of “stick figure mom” with stringy hair and giant frown. Awesome.
ANYway, with no phone and no interest in the movie, I had nothing left to do but let my mind wander.
43 things I thought During The Movie:
I’ve consumed an ungodly amount of popcorn.
I don’t feel so good.
I’m having heart palpitations.
Oooooohhhh, I wish I had some Junior Mints.
I should tell the kids I’m going to get some.
I bet they’ll get all freaked out and won’t let me.
Why are they so scared to be in the theater without me?
They’re 7 and 10 for pete’s sake. They can almost drive.
I mean, what if I had to pee? I’d have to take both them and all our shit to the bathroom.
Next time, I’m getting Junior Mints before the movie no matter how hard I try to convince myself not to.
Seriously, what would I do if I had to pee?
I should wear a Poise pad to the movies from now on.
Is it Poise or Depends? Which one is for leakage, and which one is for full bladder release?
I think I need Depends. But do they really absorb ALL the pee?
What if it leaked? What would I tell the kids?
Sorry, we have to leave. Mommy peed her yoga pants. Walk behind me.
They should have ushers that watch your kids while you go pee or get Junior Mints.
They could sit in your seat while you’re gone, just like the seat fillers at the Oscars.
I have such good ideas.
Why are 3D movies so damn expensive?
And these stupid 3D glasses are making it impossible to check Facebook.
They should have 3D bifocals for all the parents. The bottom part would be clear plastic so you can check Facebook without getting tired head.
I like the name Mateo.
I should get this popcorn out of my lap, but I don’t like to set it on the floor.
What if a roach crawls in it?
What’s up with animation shorts before the movie? The previews are enough. I don’t need a movie before the movie. It’s obnoxious.
I love that this seat reclines.
I could seriously nap.
It’s a fucking crime that I don’t have a waitress right now.
They should install little computers at each seat where you can punch in your order and your Junior Mints would be delivered right to you.
Like Sonic, but quieter.
I’m a freakin’ visionary.
A visionary who’d be much more productive with Junior Mints.
Your loss, movie theater.
HOW LONG IS THIS MOVIE?
Why do animals always have to sing in the movies?
Oh look. There’s popcorn in my cleavage.
SCORE! nom nom nom
I want a pet named Nigel.
Ohhhh, I have Game of Thrones taped!
I wonder if Adam Levine watches GoT? I bet he does. Sexy beast.
I can’t feel my right ass cheek.
Do you have brilliant ideas when your mind wanders? What are some of your best? Do you think they should have wait staff and seat fillers in movie theaters? Your comments are better than JUNIOR MINTS!
You rock. I have very similar dialogue in my own head, like all the time. Today, I was trying to figure out whether to get more fish or kill ours or to clean the tank, whether I should get a dog and of course would name him Abecrombie, but maybe it’d be nicer to let my kid name him and when will evolution catch up with fat people, because surely, it will before we blow ourselves up and oh by the way, are there people like the Russians from when I was a kid who still want to blow us up? I mean besides the terrorists? And having a waitress in a movie theatre is brilliant and also? always buy the junior mints. always.
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hahahaha Kristi, I read this while in the car the other day and just now remembered to respond, but I laughed so hard!! Especially about the fish tank….literally I had the same dilemma last summer. Know what I did? When our last fish died, I cleaned out the whole tank, bought new rocks and décor (it’s only a 5 gallon), and put a new cartridge in the filter. All the books say to let it sit for 6 weeks so it “equalizes” before buying new fish for it. That was last July. It still empty. But I add water….you know, for the imaginary fish, who, incidentally, I’m amazing at keeping alive. #BestPetOwnerEver
BTW- are there Russians who still want to blow us up? Because now I need to know this too. If there are, I’m going to stress-eat some Junior Mints immediately.
Oh my gosh, I have even more of a crush on you after reading this.
Get out of my brain.
Bring me some junior mints.
I wonder if I have any snacks in MY cleavage…
I AM YOUR BRAIN. I didn’t even write this. You did. You have two blogs, and I’m bizarro-world Aussa.
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Lol, I love the way your mind wanders. I don’t blame you though because… Junior Mints rock.
By the way, do you remember what the movie was about?
I remember what we saw, Rio 2. I probably had a vague idea what it was about that day….but it’s been like many days since then and now I just remember birds and singing.
Ahahahahaha. This is hilarious! I just discovered your blog by hopping, skipping, and jumping through blogger awards and guest posts. Actually, I have no idea how I got here, but I’m glad I did! I love your humor and writing style. Following…now.
I’m jealous now ‘cos I don’t know what Junior Mints are and they sound as if they’d be something I’d like to get to know. A bit like yourself. With your amazing wandering brain that reassures me I am not in the land of crazy when it comes to random thoughts. Mine usually veer and exist on the planet of imagination and wouldn’t it be cool if I could fly like Blue and I wonder how birds make out and whether they have to be in the air and do they have a cigarette afterwards like I do and I really must stop smoking ‘cos my lungs will surely not hold all the air I need to be able to fly but who wants to smoke an electronic ciggy after flight lessons and orgasmic delights? And why do I never notice the weird stuff in movies that everybody analyses and then I feel like an idiot for not noticing and could it be because I’m ogling Hugh Jackman in Les Mis but thinking about his hair in X-Men and I wonder what superpower he’d like me to have.
I don’t have any goldfish ‘cos when they were flushed to heaven I figured I’d torment myself with a dog that no one wants to walk. Including me. Now, if he could fly I’d be his best buddy and we’d make a smashing team ‘cos I think a Border Collie in flight with his amazing Eagle Woman by his side would be just the sort of thing Wolverine would go for. Mibbe. 🙂 x
That’s it. You win comments. No one but you would mention flight and orgasms in the same sentence. I think we are related. Maybe even sisters. There are countless hilarious sentences in your comment that I kind of want to put on a t-shirt and wear for days…..
I’ll buy one! It might be the nearest I get to being published! 🙂 x
OH BTW, Junior Mints are morsels of chocolate around mint. Like tiny raindrops of peppermint pattie. They are HEAVENLY. I let myself have some on Friday when I took my kids to see a movie. Le sigh…..so damn good.
Oh, those sound like what we call Poppets. There’s a mint variety and a toffee. But the toffee’s out of bounds ‘cos I like having my own teeth! Mint and chocolate on the other hand just melt in the mouth. I like things that do that. 🙂 x
I know, I can’t even toffee or caramels anymore either. BOO. But I still have my Junior Mints…or Poppets….:)
“Mommy peed her yoga pants”. I love it.
In fact, yoga pants are an integral part of my Momsemble. Yoga pants and old concert tee-shirts– I suppose the old concert tees just to remind me that I’ll never have that kind of fun again. Hooray! Momsemble.
I know, seriously! I wear them everyfreakinday. Yoga pants rock my world.
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They make me look skinny. Sorta. If you squint, and jump up and down on one leg. And they’re sooooo comfy.
I just recently updated to summer yoga capris.
Me at Rugrats in Paris a decade or so ago. Went with a pal and her two kids and my two kids. She fell asleep, my children fell into the aisles laughing at the antics on screen and I fell into a deep depression. Gawd awful.