Did she just…grab my ASS?!

My guest blogger today needs no introduction. Wait.  *strokes beard*  I wonder if you could tell who it is just from her/his writing? I’d be willing to bet money you could! His/her writing is that magical. She/He makes you laugh. He/She makes you think. But more than anything, he/she makes you want to be a better writer. I’ll reveal the author at the end, but don’t even consider cheating. See if you can figure it out beforehand. I double dog dare you! Take it away, mystery blogger….

I had my ass grabbed at work the other day, and it’s brought me to the rather shocking conclusion that I’m a sexist, ageist, racist, terribly prejudiced person. Probably.

Let me explain:

I work as a retinal screener, taking a mobile clinic (in the back of what I call the ‘Big Dog Van’) to various doctors’ surgery car parks across the county. I have a panic alarm on my person at all times, a stringent lone worker policy, and a CCTV system, because if the shit goes down, I’m on my own there.

No one has ever accosted or assaulted me before – although there’s a certain level of flirting to be expected from a particular type of cheeky old man, but never anything too inappropriate; just bawdiness (indeed, the very morning of the ass-grabbing incident, a bloke got onto the van, all twinkly and full of vim, and remarked (upon being shown into the camera room in the back) “Cor! This’d make a great shagging wagon!”) – until that morning, when I think they did. And even now, I’m not sure what to do with that.

The ‘they’ in question was late for her appointment, and turned up suddenly; an apparition in violently-dyed hair, heavily drawn eyebrows, a dusting of face powder and not a tooth in her head. She smiled at me sweetly as she climbed in not giving away any inkling that she might be a) crazy, b) a raging nympho or c) both.

She introduced herself, and I could hear from her accent that she was from South Africa.

Halfway through my ‘can-I-check-your-details-are-up-to-date’ spiel, she suddenly announced that she’d been to the dentist to have her teeth removed. My crazy-meter didn’t budge – I chalked it up to culture; perhaps in South Africa they tell all clinical details to any clinician, no matter how relevant. Or maybe it was her age; an old guy once began his appointment by telling me all about his enlarged testicle (wrong kind of ball, buddy – I just deal with eyeballs) so perhaps it was an ‘old people’ thing.

Details got checked, data got entered, my professional mask didn’t budge. Onwards to the sight test.

I got her to put the occluder over her face (imagine opera glasses, but flat, and with one eye blocked off) and tried to get her to read me the ever smallenifying letters on the screen, but she kept peering over at me. Halfway through reading out the letters with her right eye, she gave up, removed the occluder and turned to me with a look of rapture on her face and exclaimed “My GOD! Look at your TEETH! They’re beautiful!


“Oh! Thank you.” I stammered, completely blindsided.

“But seriously”, she continued “they’re absolutely beautiful – I tell you, if I had your teeth, I’d never stop smiling.”

“Okay, thanks” I said, warmly. And then I tried to steer her back into concentrating on the sight test, feeling a little bit smug about my smile.

“D, E, Z…you know, you could be in toothpaste commercials – your teeth are so beautiful!

Ut-oh. My smile was beginning to feel a bit hysterical.

“Do you work all alone here in the van?”

“Yeah…but it’s okay, I’ve got a panic alarm” (let’s just have that out there)

“That’s LOVELY! Just think, all this space – you can burp whenever you want to!”

Crazy-meter starting to crank up a few notches

“And then there’s that little room in the back! You can go in there on your lunch break and WA-HEYYY!” – she made a double fist pumping motion and rocked her hips back and forth on the seat then grinned impishly.

Was she seriously suggesting that a diligent NHS employee such as myself would go to the lengths of arranging lunch-time trysts in the back of the Big Dog Van? Apparently so.

“How is your sex life? Look at you, with your beautiful teeth, and so lovely and thin as well”

At this she reached out and patted my tummy several times. No. Way!

I backed off as far as the confines of the van would allow and held up my left hand. “Er, I’m married.”

“Oh, you know, I didn’t think to look.” She grimaced and looked at me pityingly “How is that? It can be hard, marriage, can’t it?”

“Ummm…it’s fine. Can we get back to the sight chart?”

“Yes! Of COURSE we can. Absolutely. I just got to talking about your TEETH! They’re so beautiful, you know. In fact, do you know what, I’d quite like to take them with me – just take them out of your mouth and pop them into mine. They’re so BEAUTIFUL!”

She finished the sight chart, and I put dilation drops in her eyes, trying to ignore her still-present grin, and the way she kept looking at my teeth.

I bit back a nervous smile and asked her to move through to the camera room.

She stood, walked as if to go past me, and then reached down and gave me several very solid pat/squeezes on the butt, still grinning at me, and reiterated “You do have beautiful teeth.”

I was so stunned at her audacity, I just laughed out loud, and continued to giggle the entire time I settled her into the room, my crazy-meter now so full it had reached the top and broken out the bells and whistles. I left her there and went to fetch my next patient, still completely flummoxed by the entire affair.

When I went back to the camera room, my South African imp was there, still grinning at me, her eyes now dilated and ready for photographing. She chuntered on as I put her details into the computer, and I barely listened up to the point where she suddenly announced that she’d been so hot that morning she’d decided not to wear a bra. “So I’m letting them flap free” she confirmed to me, grabbing her boobs as she leaned forward into the chin rest.

I completed the photographs with lightning speed, before she could tell me anything else, then I saw her off the van (not before she’d told the next patient, who was waiting in the front, all about my beautiful teeth, and what fun she was going to have, and what a good worker I was) and let her back into the surgery.

As I held the door, she stepped towards me suddenly, and I jumped back, startled. I must have looked concerned, because she grinned at me again, and started blowing kisses at me.

“Goodbye, love” she told me “Thank you for seeing me, and I do love your beautiful, beautiful TEETH!”

I returned to my next patient, and we exchanged bewildered smiles before continuing with consummate professionalism.

Back at the office, I recounted my bizarre story and it was received with hilarity from all corners.

“Oooooh NO! How AWKWARD! Hahahah that’s so weird!” (my mentor)

“That is strange, but people are funny.” (my supervisor)

“Ahhh come on, you PULLED! She definitely wanted to get you into the back of the van and lez you up!” (my brash, northern cheeky-chappie co-worker)

“Let’s see your teeth?” (another co-worker)

And then later, in the pub, as I discussed it with another group of colleagues;

“Yeah, that’s a pretty funny story of sexual harassment!”


I thought about it for a moment then and dismissed it, but later came back to dwell on that point.

What if all this had come from someone English? I definitely wouldn’t have responded the same way. Am I racist, assuming that weird behaviour is par for the course with South Africans?

What if she’d been younger? I kind of chalked the bum grabbing up to her being in her 60’s and a bit of a batty old grandma type, and having lost her boundaries with young people. I know that some old people can get a bit pinchy (in fact, truth be known, I’m a pincher myself (though to be fair, you pretty much have to be related to me for me to feel comfortable doing it, but once we’ve crossed that line, I’ll be goosing you all over the place. Especially in public, where it’s much more funny. I might even chase you first…)) so maybe it was me being ageist.

But then…what if it had been a man?

I definitely would have brought the appointment to a screeching halt and demanded an apology and that he get himself out of the van and re-book his screening appointment with one of the male screeners (or at least, I hope I would have done, once I’d gotten over the shock). It would have been seventeen kinds of uncomfortable and objectifying and distasteful, but somehow, because she was a woman I just thought it was funny…was I sexist? Have I somehow inadvertently bought into the idiotic idea that sexual overtones from a woman don’t count?


So I find myself nonplussed, definitely grabbed, and also perhaps kind of a bigot.

I just don’t know what to think.


But I tell ya what – I do have BEAUTIFUL teeth…


Did you guess Lizzi? It was too easy, wasn’t it? I mean, who else spells behavior, behaviour, amirite? Love LOVE  LURVE Lizzi! #BritWin

JN headshot Lizzi is a Deep Thinker, Truth-Teller and seeker of Good Things. She’s also silly, irreverent and tries to write as beautifully as possible.

She’s living the life of Silver Linings and *twinklysparklygoodness* because two miscarriages and a subsequent diagnosis of spousal infertility will rather upset anyone’s applecart. She borrows other people’s children in the meantime.


Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Considerings

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Have you ever had an “incident” like this in the workplace? Would you forgive this behavior more easily depending on their gender/age/race? Your comments are better than an unsolicited assgrab!


    1. I don’t even…! I never expected, of ALL THINGS to have my butt grabbed for my TEETH! That said, a friend told me last night she likes my teeth and might write me into a short story where I get roofied by the old lady and wake up in an ice bath with them all missing *shudders*


    1. Now then, Marcia, you FOUND IT 😀 I was totally going to go on Facebook and let you know, cos I’m only just home from work now, but YAY for me being funny. And (apparently) having great teeth 😀 (and thank you for all your help)


  1. Damn, she is such a great writer! The whole time I was reading I was thinking, “Is this Lizzi?” Sure enough. What a fun story too!

    Now I’m going to zoom in on her photos to check out her teeth 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OHHHHMIGOSH! I hope you found the photos reasonable, and not wanting in any way! I kind of feel like she loved my teeth a whole lot more than they really merit – perhaps because she was bonkers 😀

      Thanks Leigh 🙂


    1. The LADY was a trip! *I* am the consummate professional (until I come home and write about my crazy patients 😉 )


  2. Great imagery! I could see the whole thing unfold in my mind’s eye. Totally not in a weird way though. And as both the daughter and the sister of a dentist, I can say with all authority that Lizzi’s teeth are indeed beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohhh now THAT I like *grins* thank you. Though I hope you don’t like them enough to try to steal them!

      I’m glad you could see it unfold – that’s awesome feedback, thank you.


    2. Thanks Jill – that’s a great relief to know (also you might get this comment, or variants of it, TWICE (you lucky thing) because my computer totally just loused up something). But YAY for teeth, and thank you for your great feedback – I love knowing that you could see the story unfold.


  3. I totally knew it was Lizzi. I think I probably would’ve responded the same way with an old lady versus a man. Maybe because with a strange man there’s that underlying fear of worse things, where with a woman I don’t think we’d really ever assume we might get hurt/raped/assaulted etc.?


    1. You knew?! Is it just cos I is British?

      I’m glad you knew 😀

      BUT you’re right, and actually the first to pick up on my ending, Steph…I’ve been puzzling over that one. I guess with a woman I’d have more chance to take her out than with a man – I’d be physically more capable, so perhaps she was less of a threat for that reason, not that I even THOUGHT about it at the time…


  4. Hahaha! Who could have guessed that a job taking photos of people’s eyes could be so exciting? And funny. And inappropriate.
    You’re overthinking things. Quit giving yourself awful labels.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah I should have known you’d have some sensible input. I shall accept that it was how it was, and leave it at that.

      But YES with the inappropriate and very hilarious job.

      And everyone thought it was just dull and boring! Pfshawwwww!

      Little do they know…


    2. Ah I should have known you’d have some sensible input. I shall accept that it was how it was, and leave it at that.

      But YES with the inappropriate and very hilarious job.

      And everyone thought it was just dull and boring! Pfshawwwww!

      Little do they know! Mua. Ha. Ha. HAAAAAAA!


  5. I would act exactly as you did: uncomfortable but forgiving. The old lady, she probably is just losing her inhibitions with age. She’s right, though; you do have beautiful teeth. Can I have them?

    Liked by 1 person


      Bad enough that on reading this, Joy said she wanted to write me a new story where I get roofied and wake up in an ice-bath with all my teeth missing! YEEEE-IKES! Way freaky!

      I think you’re right though – she was probably just a crazy old grandma-lady 🙂


  6. I knew who it was in the first sentence. But then, I should since she texted me after it happened. 🙂 It’s such a funny, sweet and uncomfortable story and it couldn’t have happened to a sweeter person. Love and hugs Lizzi! #SW

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bwahahah THANKS SO MUCH! It was WEIRD. I forgot I texted you – I just had to tell SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY because WHOA!


  7. Now then, the first time I met Mak’s grandma, she smacked my ass. Just hauled off and smacked my ass. She also stuck her hand up my skirt, loved to yank my bangs back from my face and adjusted my boobs for me once. Somehow I got used to the little old lady being all up in my personal space. I sure miss her.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. So…I’m hoping she was just a crazy old lady then. Sounds like Mak’s grandma endeared herself in the end 😀


  8. Half way through I had to stand up and give myself a shake. This could have been me. Not the writing bit of course – far more brilliant than the drivel I churn out – but the incident. Hit on by a toothless wonder. OH my god.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As long as your dentist doesn’t also grab your butt!

      Of course in your case, there could be a degree of professional pride involved…


  9. By trying to give her the benefit of the doubt (maybe it was cultural, maybe it was age, etc.), you demonstrated great patience and kindness. I didn’t read this and think you were sexist, ageist, bigoted, or any other negative label. Clearly, something wasn’t quite right with this woman. You handled a very strange situation in a nice way.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. LOL.

    I once thought it was adorable when a little old Irishman was completely sexist in his commentary, but I laughed it off because he was old and had an accent. If he had been younger and American? I would have poured his drink down his shirt.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I don’t know about England, but here sexual harassment is defined as ‘unwanted touching’ among other qualifiers. So, yes, that would be considered sexual harassment in the states. Your story is funny, but also quite a bit creepy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was certainly unexpected. And not something I was in any way seeking. But it’s interesting how much more threatened I would have felt if it had been a man doing it.

      There would have been paperwork…


            1. We should make that happen, then, you and I. They deserve talking about. I know some good men – do you know any disreputable women?


            2. Then we should write. Are you up for it? Somehow? Some kind of something important should come from this.


            3. I can, but I’ve written extensively about my ex in the past, so a lot of my readers already know about it. In fact, one of my music posts coming up in the next week delves into my first marriage.


            4. Ah fair enough then. So when you say ‘no one talks about those’, in fact, you do 🙂 Good for you 🙂


  12. OHMYGOSH LIZZI!!! That is stinkin’ HILARIOUS!!! And you are so right… I mean, especially if it was a man? I bet you would have kicked him out of that wallywagon in a FLAT SECOND! But really… you DO have such beautiful teeth! I think she really REALLY meant it. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That she wants to steal them for herself? Way creepy, dude.

      I would have kicked NO-ONE!!! I am a professional. I would have asked him to leave and then filed paperwork of some kind.


  13. Not having been the person in the situation, it’s simply hilarious! *sorry* But I bet had I been in your place, the creep-o-meter would have gone through the ceiling. I don’t think that not freaking out getting your butt grabbed by a woman like it would have been with a man may be simply gender association. I’m easier around women than I am around men, just the way it is.


    1. Yeah but unless it’s family or Husby, I kind of wouldn’t expect to have my ass grabbed by ANYONE. So it was weird. But at least it was funny.


    1. I was too busy giggling in a kind of bewildered daze to even begin thinking about it being creepy until later that day.


    2. *facepalm* I think this happened in the midst of the shitstorm where Beth’s blog sent me into lockdown and stopped letting me reply from my computer.


  14. The moment you felt the least bit uncomfortable, you might have said, nicely as possible, ‘I’m not used to getting so many compliments here at work and you’re making me a bit uncomfortable.’ And if she went on and grabbed your butt anyway you could have said ‘Nobody’s allowed to grab my butt back here in the Big Van so now I’m going to have to push that panic button I told you about.’ I think you went above and beyond with her being invasive.


    1. You know I think I might have to develop a strategy like that for my next crazy patient. Fortunately in the time I’ve been at my job, my beautiful teeth have incited no other incidents.


      1. This day and age, you have to be ready for anything and everything. That was funny and also scary, because you didn’t know her, and it could have gone badly, quickly. I’m glad it didn’t!


  15. Love LOVE LURVE Lizzi! Yes…yes I do!!!

    Well, you asked…Once when I worked at the hospital, an old man got a full on boner in front of me and proceeded to jerk himself off as I pushed him to dialysis on a stretcher. He had a very thin sheet covering his boner and me, which made his masterbation quite discreet. The best part was right before he did it, he said, “I’m not gettin’ fresh with you huney, but I shuuure do like blondes.” I held in my gag reflex until he was safely attached to the machine and no longer taking care of business…

    Feel free to delete this comment if it’s too disgusting, Beth.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohhhh Mandi I want to ‘like’ your comment about a MILLION TIMES!!!! Didn’t I say you give he best Comment? Wow.

      And you held it together? I’m so impressed.

      Just wow. Duuuuuuuude *grinning*


  16. “Just think! You can burp any time you want to!”
    Um, yeah. That’s living the dream, right? That would’ve set my crazy meter off, too.


  17. I loved this story. Superbly told. I was utterly enthralled, anticipating what would happen next.
    —This WAS sexual harassment. If it were a man (any age) I have a feeling your would have told him to “F off,” right? Creepy old woman!
    btw, your teeth are gorgeous. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Heheh thanks. I’m glad to know I told it good. But it really was bizarre.

      Not sure I’m allowed to swear at patients, even if they grab me. But this had me totally nonplussed.


  18. Maybe her reference to your teeth was euphemistic for what she really wanted? It’s hard to press that button on someone, I don’t care what anyone says. Definitely come up with some lines like Mark said above, it has way more clout on people who are sure you won’t hit that button if you call them out on their inappropriate behaviour. Even a brazen old biddy like that needs a wake up call every now and then. Great story though, Lizzi.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I guess I had her pegged as a crazy old lady – she was being so NICE, right up until it got weird. But yes, it was highly inappropriate and I’ll need to think of some strategy lines to say, but (of course) without offending my patients. Wow.

      Still, I’m glad you liked the telling of it 🙂


  19. If anything ever makes me the slightest bit uncomfortable, I change the gender. That’s the true test of some weird sexist bullshit. It can be tough to shake off those gender biases. Changing the gender always works.


    1. Yes – I didn’t think of that until my colleague’s comment later on in the day. It gave me serious pause for thought.


  20. While I still have all of my teeth and I rarely sexually assault strangers, I can TOTALLY relate letting the girls “flap free” — sometimes I just can’t take wearing a bra ONE MINUTE LONGER! I’ve been known to duck into the bathroom at work and divest myself of the offending garment for the rest of the day. (Luckily, I always wear a cardigan as part of my uniform — so it helps camouflage the fact that the elevation of my boobs has suddenly dropped alarmingly).

    I haven’t had my ass grabbed in a long, long time — I kind of miss it.


    1. You know, I hear a lot of people who hate their bras, and to be honest, most of the time it really doesn’t bother me – I’m quite happy to wear it for however long. Guess I’m not too keen on flapping free 😉

      You’re very welcome to borrow my crazy old South African lady ANY TIME. Just smile at her and she’s good for an ass-grab (apparently)…


  21. Well….I guess the next time we tell you that you have a beautiful smile you’ll listen to us! 😉 And apparently your smile ain’t the only thing that’s great. (your arse is as well!!) I tell ya Lizzi, you had us at “Thisd make a great Shagging wagon!” I think you should totally put that up on it and see what happens next! Please do let us know, as this sounds like a completely great post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think what would happen is that I’d find myself very rapidly fired from my job *giggling* Still, the thought’s an entertaining one. And I DO believe I have a good smile – so many people mention it. I kind of assume it’s my best feature (thank goodness I have one! I should just be grateful for that).

      It was a bizarre day, that one, forsure. Thanks for sharing this.


  22. You could rival Aussa with this crazy workplace story! What I wonder is this….what was this old gal like in her heyday? I would love to know and I think if I had your job I’d get fired for spending way too much time talking to some of these very interesting characters. Think of the stories you could write! The adventures…glorify the aged!!
    You do have a beautiful smile…it’s one of my favorites 🙂
    I will say this…..thank goodness for the panic button!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Awwwh thank you for liking my smile. That’s very sweet of you.

      They’re not just the elderly I see, but the EVERYONE diabetic, so I get a real range. Though they’re mostly elderly, just through the nature of the condition.

      REMIND ME – I got another story today? Yesterday? A man who’d been in the army and had been somewhere Saudi-ish, and a bunch of guys were trying to BUY A GIRL! In a bar. Like, they were arguing a price…


      I have NO idea what this lady was like in her heyday, and I rather think (given her attitude) that she figured she was still IN her heyday. Which perhaps she was 😀 She was certainly feisty.


  23. …if I may (and not like you didn’t figure this out),
    I heard this story directly last week on the Friday night vidchat, but hearing did not, for some reason give as clear a picture of the woman as does your written version, which is interesting in and of itself, but, as a result of reading the story, it is abundantly clear that you had yourself a scott (female edition) for a client. (supporting indicia upon request).

    and… the people you told the story? (no not these people, I mean the real people in your story!)

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Okay – so suddenly all the teeth jokes from last weeks TTOT make more sense.

    Second – my mom was born in London but her family moved to South Africa when she was little so she was South African for a good chunk of her life and has no tooth fetish – so wanted to confirm that wasn’t cultural as far as I know but I’d be happy to check for you.

    Lastly, as for harassment experiences with the elderly when I was a lifeguard in my early 20s I once had a regular bring in his dead wife’s bathing suits for me because he “realized money was tight for us students” and then asked me to model them for him. It was about 9 at night and the other guard was otherwise occupied. It was awkward and – some age permissiveness notwithstanding – crossed the line IMO. I realize these things happen, but as I’ve just proven, you certainly don’t forget about the creepy feeling it leaves!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YES! Sorry, because everyone who wasn’t on vidchat (btw, when will you join us? That would be cool if you did one time) was left rather wondering what the hell. but it was funny for US…

      THANK YOU! I hoped it wasn’t a cultural thing. I know some South Africans and they seem absolutely completely NORMAL. And non-obsessed with teeth.

      And ICK to your harassment experience. It’s never nice, but SRSLY?! His dead wife’s bathing suits? There is a whole other level of GROSS FACTOR to that.I am fortunate that perhaps I was oblivious even as it happened, that I don’t feel creepy, just bewildered.

      Jny put it best – she said that the lady’s ‘personal space bubble’ was probably OFF, which made a lot more sense.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’d agree with the personal space bubble opinion in your case – the elderly fellow in our case had, what’s the appropriate term…, creepily courted a number of the female guards, as I discovered when I filed an “incident report” for my case and a number of other women guards suddenly went, “Hey! You too?” while our Director at the same time advised me to “be sensitive” to the elderly and not overreact.

        It’s always an awkward moment. I didn’t feel threatened. But it was inappropriate. So I reported it. I felt badly for reporting it. Because he was a regular. And I didn’t really think he’d do anything more than be routinely creepy. But, at the same time, I equally feel things like that need to be documented in the event that they progress into things that are other than routinely creepy. It wasn’t the first “off” comment he made – just the one that made me go …okay – and that’s too far And when I found out that he made the really young female guards truly uncomfortable (he had given one pictures from a magazine to suggest what she might wear) – but that they’d been too …. scared … to report it … I’m glad I did. Management spoke to him about his comments; he said he didn’t understand how what he did was wrong, but that was the end of it…so there you go.

        As for vid chats – I am honoured for the invite, but don’t actually have a camera. Maybe I now know what to ask for for my bday in a few months….

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I definitely 100% think you did the right thing. My bezzie was in a worse-than-this situation recently, and the thing which made her tell in the end was the thought that this guy might continue to do this to OTHER women, and get away with it. So she told, and in the end, he was stopped, which is a huge relief.

          But yow! Glad you spoke up.

          If you come to vidchat one day, it would be awesome 😀


    1. CYNDI! Oh I have MISSED YOU. And now I find you HERE of all places 😀 How ARE YOU?! Did husby think it was funny? Oh gosh I want you to come back on vidchat then I can tell you these things IN PERSON.

      Aaaaand I guess be GLAD you haven’t experienced something like that. it was way weird.


  25. Darling Lizzi, you are NOT a bigot. Perish the thought!

    I think you’re just one of the large majority of nice, sane people who wants to assume the best and not make anyone uncomfortable unless it’s really, really called for.

    I’m not saying you don’t make excellent points, but I think ultimately what defines sexual harassment is whether you felt attacked – even reflecting back after the fact. If you did, then it was. If you didn’t, it wasn’t – not for you personally. And I don’t think age/race/anything else matter more than the simple way you felt.

    I for one can’t stand to have a male masseuse, even though I intellectually understand that odds are they aren’t attracted to me, and a female masseuse *might* be. Doesn’t matter! Even if I *knew* both the man and woman were gay, I’d choose the woman for a massage, because I’m just more comfortable with female hands on me unless it’s my husband.

    …the day I admitted to that, I wondered if I was being sexist. And perhaps, by the strictest definition, I was – not wanting to give work to someone just because he was a man. But on the other hand, I think you’re allowed to make the choices that work for you, as long as you make them out of informed thoughtfulness and not fearful ignorance.

    I dunno. I’m getting preachy. But I certainly don’t think you did anything wrong. And if next time (hope there’s not one) you do speak up faster, well – that’s just you being more empowered.

    P.S. LOVE your teeth, cor.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohhhh and you even got some BRITISH ACCENT in there, Jennie! That’s awesome 🙂

      I don’t think you’re getting preachy. I think you have a point. I *definitely* didn’t do anything wrong, and perhaps it’s as my friend JNY said elsewhere – the lady’s personal space bubble was just set to OFF, and she had no clue and meant nothing by it.

      I think it’s fine to be…not sexist…but to have an opinion or a feeling, and stick to it. I have had one massage ever, and it was from a woman, and it was TOTALLY weird (for me) but I think just because it was so different from what I was expecting, and also the poor girl had a cold and kept having to stop to blow her nose. The whole thing was entirely odd. And not relaxing.

      But I’m not great with massage anyway. I GIVE great massage, but I don’t receive well. But scratch my back and I’m anyone’s…


      I think you’re right about the definition business. I did not feel attacked. I do not. I feel nonplussed and bemused and flummoxed, but not attacked. So there’s that. I guess another person might though, so that’s also a consideration…but I’m okay.

      And hey, I got a great story out of it.


  26. DAMN. I hope you didn’t give her your real name because she sounds like she’ll be thinking about you and your teeth and your ass quite a bit these next few days. Yikes! But, they really ARE very pretty teeth, I’d say!
    Interesting points though about reacting differently were it coming from a man. I’d be skeeved out either way I think but tend to agree that the woman grabbing me would be “more okay” or something. Ick. Glad you made it out of that appointment alive!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I give my real name, but never my full name. So it’s fine. I can’t be tracked.

      I think she’ll be thinking about my teeth a LOT! She was SO SO SO enthusiastic about them. I’m half waiting to bump into someone and for them to say “Oh my crazy grandma told me ALL ABOUT YOUR TEETH”

      But I guess I’m still a little happy that they were so well received. Even if it was a bit creepy and a LOT over the top.

      I just…if it was a man I would have been horrified. Or a younger woman. I think because I had her pegged as a crazy old lady, I didn’t really mind – it was almost endearing, if only it hadn’t been on my butt…


  27. As a fellow NHS employee (now retired) I can vividly imagine the scenario you describe. At the risk of sounding PC, this lady’s behaviour (correct spelling!) would fit the definition of sexual harassment. The nearest experiences to yours I have had in the NHS occurred when I was in my early 20s on acute psychiatric wards; a manic 45-year old woman repeatedly tried to put her hand into my uniform (we wore white tunics in those days!) to stroke my abdomen, and a 19-year-old girl in the midst of a psychosis who sat on my knee and tried to kiss me.

    A post that was thought-provoking, funny and mildly disturbing in equal measure.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. At least you KNOW, Bryan – because yeah – somehow we end up with the weirdies in clinical roles and…well, what are ya gonna do? Technically yes, it fits the description – was it an unwanted touch? hell yes! Was it also funny? Hell yes! Does that make it okay? Ummmm probably not.

      Sounds like your experiences were at least as weird as mine. I think I would have been more freaked out if she had been younger.


    1. Yeah this is true. This is the first time I’ve been on the receiving end of inappropriate from an old lady. It is FAR more standard for it to be the men.


    1. See, now I THOUGHT you’d like this one, MJ – after all, how can you resist the chance to get your freak on every time you see me smile 😀


  28. 1. If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, maybe the way to a woman’s teeth is through her arse. That’s the lesson I’ve learned here.

    2. I’m in favor of a national ass-grab day, when it’s perfectly OK, unless you wear a red scarf in your back pocket. Seems fair enough to me.

    3. The only thing better than your batty admirer? The way you told the story.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think I like #3 best! That said, a national ass-grabbing day which was a free-for all COULD be kinda fun…yeah – I wouldn’t have a scarf in my pocket (well, maybe in case of emergencies!)

      The way to a woman’s teeth is NOT through her arse – that sounds disturbingly too close to The Human Caterpillar for my liking, Eli.

      I’m glad you enjoyed this 😀


  29. Ah, what fun this post is! Lizzi – you’re a wicked storyteller. The only thing to be more wary of than dirty ol’ men, in my experience, IS dirty ol’ women – because we just don’t see it coming! *Mental note: get it out of your system before it comes to that. Shudder*. Is all I’m saying 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Soooo….I should pre-emptively go around grabbing people’s asses and behaving all lechy NOW, so that I can be a pure and innocent old lady (just to clarify)? I reckon I could manage that. As long as I can be discerning about whose ass I grab, and I can pass the buck along to you. I’m sure that “Alarna Made Me Do It” would be acceptable to all recipients of a grab…right?

      And thanks. I had fun writing this (possibly more fun than I had living it, because I could imagine the reactions 🙂 )


  30. ‘Kayso I know that half of these are my own replies, and some of these are conversations, but THANK YOU SO MUCH, my lovely Beth, for letting me write on your blog and borrow your readers for a short time. There’s a wonderful crowd of people here, and I do appreciate the opportunity to entertain them for a short while.

    Thank you 🙂

    (also, you get this at the END, instead of the beginning, where polite, English me would *rather* have put it, but yaknow what – being ONEHUNDREDENFIRST is really quite marvellous, and so I dedicate it to you. Thank you. Properly. With all my English heart 🙂 )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, one hundred and first IS AWESOME!!! I’m sososo happy you graced my humble abode with your beautfiulamazinghilarity once again. You make the blogosphere a better place, my dear. And you’re welcome here any time. MUAH.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s MORE NOW! I’m blown away by your readers, seriously. They’re awesome 😀

        As to welcome here any time, AWESOME! Thank you. I shall think of you next time I get groped at work.

        *couldn’t resist*


  31. I am shameless and take compliments wherever I can get them…even if someone totally does not mean them in that way. I’d have been like, “REAALLLLY? OMG, thaaaaaaanks!! Tell me again?” Haha. Very funny post, and I love the bio at the end, too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Shay 🙂 I tried hard to make it funny. And I guess in the end, she was being complimentary, so I could try just being pleased about that 🙂 Glad you like the bio 😀


  32. “wrong kind of ball, buddy – I just deal with eyeballs”

    There is sooo much ‘at work’ in this wonderful post. I wish to quote more great lines, but I do not wanna hog the bandwidth.
    Amazing writing.
    Amazing turns of phrase.
    Amazing story.

    Love Love Loved ever’ word.

    And I do mean that sincerely.
    Just (normal)



    1. WOW pretty epic comment there. I kinda love it. Thank you 😀 It was hilarious to live, but seeing the reactions the retelling is getting, is making it SO MUCH more fun.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks – you felt awesome then (wait, that sounds…nvm)

          I don’t know if I wish this was fiction or not – I guess it’s one I can ‘dine out on’ for a while 🙂 Glad the characters came across so well

          Liked by 1 person

  33. Ha! What a story. Unfortunate that the ass grab was in a more “awkward moment” scenario. Fortunately the only times I’ve experienced ass grab have been when it’s been kind of hot or flattering.


  34. Okay, this was so totally creepy that I got the urge to get up and run. If you’ve got CCTV in that van, you may want to keep the footage because at some point, this woman is going to get charged.


    1. You know what? I SO never thought anything like this would ever happen that (shh, don’t tell…) – I never turn the CCTV ON! Ever. Cos…I don’t wanna get caught singing or on my phone or whatever I do between patients which looks lazy and unprofessional.


  35. Okay, this was a hilarious story yet also totally creepy. I just got the urge to get up and run. If you’ve got CCTV in that van, you may want to keep the footage because at some point, someone is going to object to that old biddy grabbing their ass and report her to the cops.


  36. Wow. This sounds like one of your fiction stories, LIzzi. I would have been simultaneously flattered and weirded out. But you’re right, if it had been a man it would have been totally different!


    1. Yeah this is the thing – such dichotomy in it! I sincerely hope that it was just that she was a batty old lady with no idea about personal space. But I hope I don’t get a batty old man like that…because TOTAL difference there. And really neither should be acceptable.


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