Bucket List And The Butt Dance

I want to talk about money.

Specifically what I would do with a butt-load of it.

What would I do with a million dollars? I would do frickin’ everything! Including check off my entire bucket list, which would be easy cuz it’s very short. I just started it, don’t judge.

Beth’s Bucket List (in no particular order):

1. Travel overseas. Specifically the U.K., Greece, and Italy.

2. Attend a Winter Hockey Classic game.

3. Live in a tree house. (shut up)

aaaaaand that’s all I have so far.

Now what else would I do with all that cash? Aside from paying for my kids’ college, and helping my parents, and yeah yeah give money to a charity or two (The Painted Turtle and The Elephant Sanctuary)….

I WOULD:

Travel.

Move to Durango, Colorado. Have a kick-ass tree house built for us to live in.

Buy my husband his dream bike, and a bike shop where he could build/fix bikes for the rest of his days.

Hire a personal trainer to make me get my ass in shape. I need accountability, apparently.

Since I gave a butt-load of money to The Elephant Sanctuary, they’d let me live on the grounds a few weeks out of every year and help take care of the elephants. Yippeeeee! This has nothing to do with spending mula. It’s a realization I just had, and  I’m very excited about it.

Work as a writer the rest of my days.

Until I have this money, however, I will tell you what I’m thankful for right now.

1. The WaxVAc. Because the commercial is so damn ridiculous it always makes me laugh. And the concept is so disgusting it’s brillz. Who thought of a tiny earwax vacuum? I want to meet this person.

2. Almond milk ice-cream. Thank god for it or I don’t think I could do this vegan thing.

3. Yoga pants. (see #2)

4. My IRL friends. I have a tight little group, and sometimes I don’t know how I’d exist without them.

5. Kittens. That aren’t mine, but that I can play with for hours and then leave and not deal with a litter box or piss on my bathmat. Because kittens.

6. The butt dance. My sons do this hilarious dance that makes me laugh no matter how irritated I might be.

7. Smut. That’s right. smut. My love for all naughty things, and the fact that my friends are 1) aware of my need for smut, and 2) just as pervy as me. I got a very special text photo from my friend, Mandi. it was so good I had to sit down a minute. Then Leigh sent me a delicious meme on Facebook. Thanks, ladies. Just when I think my Pinterest board is getting old hat, I have my friends supplementing my need for half-naked hotties.

8. HOLY SHIT I MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO TEN THIS TIME! (this counts as one, ya-huh!)

9. Chelsea Handler.

10. Those little dog poop bags. This needs no explanation.

**This was a combined post for FTSF whose prompt was If I had a million dollars, I would… hosted by the amazing Mommy, for Real, Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic, Finding Ninee, and Canigetanotherbottleofwhine

And Ten Things of Thankful, hosted by the incredible A Fly on our (Chicken Coop) Wall, Considerings, Finding Ninee, Getting Literal, Home On Deranged, I can say mama, I Want Backsies, Rewritten,  Thankful Me,  The Wakefield Doctrine    Want to join the fun? You should! Go to any host’s blog and link up! TToT goes live Friday night (I’m early). FTSF is live NOW!

Ten Things of Thankful
Finish the Sentence Friday
What would you do with a million dollars? Do you have a bucket list? I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS!!

121 comments

  2. Dude, I have somehow completely missed the WaxVac!! And I watch, like, hours and hours of TV every day. I’m going to go google it now, but suffice it to say I may have found a new raison d’etre. Just sayin’

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  4. So I’m hearing that you’d blow through that money pretty fast and be right back where you started in no time flat?! Haha!

    I love that you like hockey and that your boys have a butt dance. carry on, ma’am!

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  5. OK – I don’t think I could survive the vegan thing without almond milk ice cream. And I’d die without yoga pants. And oh my god! I love smut too! You and I are destined to be tight. I’m totally coming to visit you in that tree house. I’m just saying.

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    1. *grinning huge* I love when I meet a blogger and our similarities just keep comin’ and comin’. Awesomeness! You better visit me in my tree house! I’ll have a nice vegan meal waiting for you, complete with almond milk ice-cream for dessert.

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  6. Ohhhh LOOK WHAT YOU DID! And damnit – I *definitely* missed first. Bollocks 😦

    However. Several things.

    YAY for your bucket list. And you like reading (and Greece) so I can do nothing better than recommend the ‘Corfu Trilogy’ by Gerald Durrell, who lived there in his boyhood, and makes it sound *so* absolutelyperfectlymagicalwonderful that it makes me yearn to visit and see where he lived.

    EARWAX VACUUM? WTactualF?!?! I’m glad it makes you laugh but it sounds SO GROSS.

    Well done for making it to 10. #8 counts if you did the dance and stole the Secret RuleBook from the seven GuardVirgins…I’m guessing you figured that one out.

    (And, uh, for the uneducated amongst us, what’s a Chelsea Handler?)

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    1. Thanks for the book referral! I will look that up immediately. I’ve been fascinated with Greece forever – not sure why, just am. If I had to pick only one place to visit, it would be there. (sorry England, but Greece is a forever wish!)

      Oh the earwax thing is NASTY. So nasty I’m fascinated that it actually exists. I must find the commercial and link it for you. So dumb it’s great.

      I DID do topless dance. It was topless, wasn’t it? Oh well, if I’m taking a secret rule book from GuardVirgins I’m gonna shake what my momma gave me — holla!

      Chelsea Handler is a comedienne, she has her own late night talk show on E Network called Chelsea Lately, and I think she’s brilliant, and so like me it’s freaky. Even my brother has always said I’m her bizarro world twin. Not necessarily in appearance, but in personality and sense of humor.

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      1. If you love Greece and Greek culture, then I absolutely GUARANTEE you will adore (and I mean fall madly in love with) these books and the characters in them. Corfu is my forever wish, since I fell in love with the books as a child. But I’m afraid to go because I know it’s been turned into a party island, and will be nothing like it’s depicted.

        BUT. You’ll love them. So find them and drink them in.

        So that’s two things I need links for – earwaxvac and this comedienne chick. Get going 😉

        You did a TOPLESS DANCE FOR THE GUARDVIRGINS? No wonder they were all so damn upset earlier when I tried to go and borrow the secret book (I didn’t get it, by the way – as a group, they growled and raised their hackles and looked so incredibly menacing I thought I’d better try again later). You’re supposed to DISTRACT them, not torture them, poor things!

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  7. Tree house sounds scary to a risk-averse wimp like myself! I am totally with you on the perverted and inappropriate side of things, though. Nothing like a nudey and a curse word to put your day back on track:). Fuck that Noise! We be bloggin bitches! (Random cursing=warm fuzzies.)

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  8. I’ve backpacked through the UK, Greece, and Italy, and let me tell you, it’s something you need to do. All amazing, fun places!

    Also, you should try canned coconut milk ice cream. Don’t go light, the fat in coconut milk is so good for you it’s not even funny, and you’ll never go back. My husband and I only buy unsweetened coconut and almond milk, and it’s changed our lives 🙂

    Also, I live in yoga pants. I wear the same two pairs of yoga pants about 5x a week. I’ve had them for 3 years now!

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    1. *takes deep breath to temper vicious envy* You backpacked through Europe?! LUCKY. Omg, so lucky.

      “canned” coconut ice cream? I’ve bought coconut milk ice cream (awesome!) from the freezer section, but know nothing about canned….did you mean to say that? Yep, I’ve been drinking almond milk for a long time due to lactose intolerance. It’s a staple here. The hubs prefers rice milk.

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  9. Yay – visit the UK for the people (cos we are lovely) then Italy for the culture (the people are less friendly) and then Greece for some chillin’ time!

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    2. You like Italy and Italian culture (I realise now I have NO idea how well travelled you are) then a couple of really AWESOMEAMAZING books are ‘Extra Virgin’ and ‘Ripe for the Picking’, by Annie Hawes.

      (confession, I’ve only read the second, but it was SO good, I’ve no hesitation recommending the first)

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  10. I am totally with you on the international travel destinations. I know I could definitely use that personal trainer too but I would probably fire them within three days, possibly two. I would never in a million years have imagined that you like smut. Hm. I have seen the ear wax vacuum thing and it’s weird. I won’t be seeing it anytime soon though since I am actively avoiding television until Old Spice stops with the creepy commercials…they’re freakin’ me out!

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    1. I know, you picture me the innocent girl next door type, right? hahaha.

      Old spice….haha! I like those commercials. Well, I did. Maybe they’re getting weird, I don’t remember seeing one lately.

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    1. Me too! I bet they have them. That’s becoming really popular at resorts. I know you can even rent one in freakin’ Arkansas, so surely you can stay in a tree house in Europe!

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  13. I love how thinking about the what ifs can make us a little more thankful for the right now. If you do go live with the elephants, can you please take my oldest daughter with you?? That wold be her dream come true!! 🙂

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  14. You know I’m down with the smut! 😉 And the little doggie poop bags.

    So far most of my bucket list includes travel…

    Proud of you for making it to 10 on the Thankful list! Right this very moment I’m thankful that my husband will actually be home for a full week! Yay!

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    1. AW, that’s awesome about your hubby being home for a whole week! Yay. I love when mine is home for an extended time, too. Does your hubs usually travel or something? Or he’s taken time off work? Either way, happy for you. And YAY smut!!

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  15. Another post billboard topper from my favorite rock star! This is smokin’ hot as usual, Beth! I learn the most amazing new things, in general, from your posts re: WaxVac and Chelsea Handler. Tree houses are epic! But, I’m sure that I’m not the only male reader of your’s who gets easily distracted by your sultry teases. I could not wish upon a more beautiful close friend of mine than you to have her bucket list come true! Btw..F is my fav sex word…a total trigger 🙂

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  16. I am thrilled to see that someone in this world appreciates the Waxvac like I do. Thank you.
    Ps: Are you a vegan? I am vegan Mon-Fri (technically that would make me a weekday vegan) and it’s so hard to keep up with! However, almond milk/almond cheese…almond yogurt…almond eggs (is that a thing yet?)…almond bread…whatever…makes it worthwhile. All hail to the Almond!

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    1. Hooray for the WaxVac and it’s infinite weirdess! haha!

      Yes, I’m vegan 24/7. But we refer to ourselves as 98% vegans cuz if there’s an occasion we choose to eat something with an animal product, we will. So far we’re really enjoying it, although my husband is complaining of too many gassy foods. LOL.
      Oh yes, almond everything saves me!

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  17. I’m with you on the elephant sanctuary! Since I was in high school, I have always said I need to win the lottery so I can afford to work at a book store or animal shelter (or both). The tree house is a new twist, but definitely one worth considering. 😉

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  18. Very nice combining of posts, Beth! You would love my Pokeno group – we are very smutty. Our February Pokeno is always Valentine themed with a specific body part. And the prizes we bring must be rated at least NC-17.

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  20. Smut! I am dying laughing! Also- the tree house. You know, my oldest was obsessed with the Swiss Family Robinson movie, and that was her favorite thing at Disney world, no joke. A treehouse that wasn’t even a ride. Kind of lame. And I just shucked off my jeans and happily slid into my yoga pants and I am way, way, happier. Plus, they just came out of the dryer. Smut. Ha!

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    1. I know. I’m such a perv. But TREEHOUSES! I’ve seen that huge one at Disney (photos, not IRL) and it’s amazeballs! I can totally see why your daughter would be crazy about it.

      Hooray for yoga pants!! The best part of my day is shucking my bra and slipping into my yoga pants! Jes sayin’……

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  21. You want to live in a treehouse?? HAAHHA. You’re awesome. I love Chelsea Handler. And tiny dog poop bags. And elephants. Hey if you live with the elephants, can I come visit and pet one? Please?

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    1. I’ve always wanted to live in a tree house! You can read my twitter bio…says the same thing. haha! and yes, PLEASE visit if I go live at the elephant sanctuary! It’s in Tennessee. Not too far.

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  22. Ok please make a point to put aside a dollar or thousand to ensure that I can zip over to the elephant retreat too. Love them. Have both ridden and fed them in Thailand. Oh and watched them cavort in a dust bath dance. Life changing.
    I’ll bring refreshments for the treehouse. Promise.

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    1. *dying of jealousy* I love that you’ve ridden and fed elephants in Thailand! Amazing!!!! One of my besties has talked me into a trip to Thailand for our 50th b-days. I know, sort of a ways off, but there’s that whole money thing…..

      I fed and rode an elephant at a fair like twenty years ago. Not the same. But I got to touch her and it was….magic.

      Yipppeee for the refreshments at my tree house!! xoxo

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    1. Wow that’s a gorgeous tree house!!! Now THAT’S tree living!

      Yeah The Painted Turtle is amazing. We give every year. And of course I’ve been giving mula to my little elephant sanctuary in Tennessee forever. Some day….tree house and elephants…..

      Sent from my iPhone

      >

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  25. I went to Durango when I was young and LOVED it! As I recall, we took an old fashioned type of train there. We have something else in common–I WANNA LIVE IN A TREE HOUSE! At least for a little while. I’ve watch some cool shows about unique homes, and some where built up in the trees. Whenever I go to Disney, I have to climb up to the Swiss Family Robinson tree house, too! Funny post, Beth!

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    1. Yes, the train! I know of it! Several old fashioned trains run through that area of Colorado. We rode on it from Durango to Silverton. Very cool….majestic views! We’ve skied there and also visited in the summer. It just has a great mix of everything you’d want in a “forever home”. Lots of trails, just enough people, just enough civilization without being too touristy. Awesome.

      Stephanie Sprenger was JUST talking about that Disney tree house…lol. I MUST see this tree house in person!

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  26. So not the point of your post but tell me more about this Almond Milk Ice Cream. Did you make it or it’s at a health food store? I’ve been using it for years and just discovered a couple months ago that I like to drink it.

    And I’d like a really FINE as WINE personal trainer, someone who would be hard to hate.

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    1. It’s in grocery stores, Kenya! and there are tons of flavors! There’s also coconut milk I.C., and soy I.C., but I find the almond milk ones have the lowest fat and cal per serving compared to the others (although none are low-cal/low-fat. maybe a lil less than reg ice cream). And it tastes AMAZING! I’m able to find it at just about every grocery store around here. I don’t have to go to a special health food grocery ever. Kroger, market street, tom thumb….all of them. Just next to the other ice creams typically.

      Ooooooh, a FINE as WINE personal trainer. I didn’t’ even think of that. You’re a genius.

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  27. Since you like the WaxVac AND smut, you might enjoy this: there’s a hair removal product out there that I see on infomercials all the time called No-No. The other day I’m surfing thru the tv guide and see a listing for “Girls Try No-No”. I thought for sure it was porn till I realized it was the stupid hair removal thing!!
    Anyhooooo, I’ve seen that show about amazing treehouses and I think I’d like one too! They look pretty awesome.
    I bow down to you for the vegan thing; I tried to go vegetarian but didn’t last long. I’m weak.

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    1. Ahahahahah! Girls try No-No….LOLOL. That’s hysterical. Thanks for my first LOL of the morning, Cyndy!

      I first read your last sentence as “I bow down to you for the vagina thing.” I was like, wow, someone admires my vagina and I don’t even know why, but hells yeah! LOL.

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  28. I appreciate the ingenuity of the wax vac but am so repulsed by the idea it makes me gag and I am sooooo glad you aren’t grateful to actually own one! Love the elephant sanctuary…I would give them bucks too…

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  31. I love Chelsea Handler AND poop bags, but I use them for my kids’ diapers! They are cheaper than diaper bags and work just as well!
    The Butt Dance sounds hysterical, good for them for making you laugh! I mean, c’mon kids, it’s the LEAST you can do, right?
    Great list!

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  32. Oh, Beth, I think I love you. This was hilarious and kind and so relatable from other people’s kittens to IRL friends and mostly the butt dance. Would you be surprised if I told you my boys do it too? 🙂

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    1. They DO??? Hahaha I LOVE IT!!!! I wish I could video my boys doing the butt dance, but I’d never get away with it. I did get my oldest to do it in front of a friend of mine once. I’m sure she’s scarred for life. LOL. I told my son to keep up the practice, it might be a talent that gets him through college. *snicker snicker*

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  33. I’m so glad you wrote yours early and could be a part of the TToT!!
    Have you seen the show about the guy who builds treehouses??? I only saw a preview as my husband was flipping through the channels, but they looked awesome! A million dollars could get you one to rival Swiss Family Robinson!
    It’s awesome when kids find that one thing of their very own to make a parent laugh. Unless they are 4 and do it over and over and over a million times in 10 minutes.
    It sounds like you have surrounded yourself with friends who really understand you. A blessing indeed. 🙂
    I don’t like Chelsea Handler as much as I like the other comedians on her show. As a group, they can by hilarious!
    Hope you are having a great weekend!

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    1. We totally watch Ultimate Tree Houses! Love that show. He’s who’d I want to build mine. The show is really good….try to catch the whole things sometime.

      Chelsea is a lot to take in. But I agree, she’s great with her ensemble. I know them from time-to-time from Improv!

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  35. I’m just curious … why would one want to collect ear wax anyway? I mean, what would a person do with it? Is it a marketable item of which one could make millions, or would it just become another collectible item that sits on the shelf forever? Hmmmmm … now you’ve got me thinking. Could it be possible that ear wax could be used in smut somehow? Perhaps, warming it up and dripping it upon one’s partner? Wouldn’t a candle be cheaper? Can you imagine how many times one would have to clean their ears to get enough wax to make a candle? Now, if one would add naval lint to it …… Funny list! 🙂

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  36. ok ok !! gimme a minute! I’m still processing the visual that resulted from the unfortunate juxtaposition of poop bags and elephants.

    road trips are always good, (why good invented rental cars)…

    good to have you on the Vid Chat last night!

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    1. Can you imagine the size of the poop bag is you were picking up after an elephant? Can you say, Hefty Hefty Hefty!

      Good to be on Vid Chat! Sorry I had to jet before it got crazy!

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  38. You’re welcome. Wait until you see my secret Pinterest board. You won’t leave the house for…well. I’m still home. Glad you’re a Perve like me. I’m thankful for K finding S, which lead to M finding Writer B. And the rest.

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    1. If you have a secret hottie board you had better share it with me, Madam! WTF? Are you holding out on me? Or just teasing? Grrrr.

      I LOVE that you’re my perv cohort. Our fun is juuuuust beginning! I’m also SO SO grateful to the Universe putting us together. Kismet. Total kismet.

      Did I tell you I’m reading an amazing book….?

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  39. I’m trying to recover some chair cushions, and it’s one of those projects where I have to stop, rip, and start over. Over and over and over. BUT, I have this fabulous elephant print material, and I keep thinking, Beth would love this fabric.

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  40. Since we don’t watch regular TV, I was unfamiliar with the WaxVac infomercials. I made the mistake of looking up their website. Ewww. I can’t imagine that these things are actually any safer or work. And ewww.

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  42. I’ve never been to Greece or Italy and I think I would love to go one day primarily to have the food and then second to see the beautiful landscaping and views. Colorado sounds nice with your tree house. I could enjoy that from pictures. Other than that, no way Jose! I hate the cold! So nice that you have friends IRL. They’re nice to have 🙂

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  44. Hear hear to IRL friends! But we like you too 🙂 And I’m with you on travelling. Not sure about the tree house thing – but if it was super fancy, I’d be all over that one too.

    UK, Greece and Italy – all wonderful. I miss my 20s and disposable income sometimes ….

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    1. Trust me, my bloggy friends rock my world.

      I think I regret not finding a way to travel overseas in my twenties. I don’t know how the hell I would’ve afforded, but I should’ve.

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      1. My mother was full of wonderful advice – and one thing she hammered in was to see the world before I had kids. So I did. I realize I had the privilege to afford it – but I am forever grateful for being able to have done it.

        As for doing it later – I’m looking forward to when my kids hit late single digits, early doubles. I think those will be the “golden years” for family travel beyond camping/resorts.

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        1. I think that’s amazing, L. Where did you go? All over Europe?

          You bring up a good point. I think when our boys are older we’ll definitely do some “bucket list” travelling. Maybe before!

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          1. I did most of Western Europe (except Spain and Portugal which I’d love to get too! I’d also like to do more of Greece than I got the chance to do) and some of Eastern Europe. I’d next planned to do Russia when that life stage ended 😦 Maybe later in life! I also did a school term in London England in my undergrad – so I got to travel a bit from there (Ireland, Scotland etc… But also would like to go back and see more). Agh! You’re going to give me the travel bug again! 🙂

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  45. I want a tree house!! Love your bucket list ideas. Never heard of the ear wax vacuum-we always used the ear candles-now I have to go look it up.

    I feel the same about rice cream-especially when I am in a clean eating phase and its a thousand degrees outside.

    Yoga pants are heaven.

    #8 is legit.

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  47. Ooooh I am with you on the personal trainer, I was just talking about that today. Bleh. Though, how expensive are those things anyway? Surely it’s not that crazy. Though of course I’d like to continue saying I can’t afford it.

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    1. Aussa! I’ve missed you. Yeah, I think a personal trainer is kind of expensive, but it depends how often you use them (I think they charge hourly?), and hell, you and I are both paying for gym memberships we don’t use….so the cost is all relative, right?

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      1. Haha oh my gosh, that reminds me! I have 11 days until I can cancel my *other* gym membership aaah hahaha. And sorry to disappear, I’ve been stupidly busy as of late! Playing catch-up all over the interwebs now.

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  48. I learned something today. WaxVac. Unreal. 🙂 Welcome back to blogging (since your hiatus is my norm, I now feel like an incredible slouch)! But I’m old enough to have learned not to fight it (and young enough to totally appreciate the desire to live in a treehouse…so it all balances out 🙂 Happy day to you, Beth!

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  50. LOL about pretty much everything! The ear wax vacuum! I need one, the boy was complaining of an earache a few weeks ago, it turned out he had too much ear wax!!
    Also, smut?? Love to read those chic-lit books, but never tried pinterest!
    And YES to Durango, kittens and elephants!

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