Friends

This is what happens when 9 women can get their shit together and meet

Online friendships can be pretty intense, but nothing compares to finally hugging someone you’ve known only online for years. You get to learn how they sigh after they laugh, how their nose crinkles when they smile, how their voice sounds, and how they walk. It’s kind of magical, really.

The SisterWives are a force to be reckoned with over the wires, but when we actually got together In Real….HO. LEE. SHIT.

It was electric and thrilling and perfect.

I was very nervous meeting eight of them at once. I’m pretty sure I was quiet and wore a huge, creepy grin for a full 24 hours. But then I realized that I already knew these people. They are family. And I can fart if I want to.

Just kidding…I didn’t do that. (that anyone’s aware of)

A handful of our tribe couldn’t make it this time, but that’s okay….there will be another SisterWives gathering in the near future. And another….and another…..

To enjoy a hilarious recap and see photos of our meet up, go HERE.

 

The Ghostess With The Mostess

I know I’m late getting this Post-Portland-Poltergeist update on the blog, but it took me this long to recoup from four days of acting like I was 23 again. Props to my scuzzin, Mikey, who is an amazing host, often making me and Vanessa dinner or late-night snacks, showing us all around his incredible city, and taking us to the coolest bars and restaurants. Isn’t he adorbs? (ahhh the pasty glow of our pigment-lacking genetics)

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Halfway through our “reds flight” wine tasting and we’re feelin’ no pain.

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prepare to be tackled

I’m dying to write in ALL CAPS because that’s how excited I am to join Ten Things of Thankful today! You guys know me. I’m an animated writer. If I could reach through the screen, run at you full speed and tackle you like a Labrador overjoyed to see its owner, I WOULD SO DO IT. Pretend I just did. Because…bursting.

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Take a ride on my crazy train

THREE MOST MIND-BLOGGING THINGS ABOUT 2014:

My post about mental illness was Freshly Pressed. Me. Freshly Pressed. That’s INSANEAMAZINGCRAZYBEAUTIFUL. I’m very proud of that post, not only because it spread awareness about mental illness from a unique perspective, but I met (and hopefully helped in some way) so many incredible people who either suffer with mental illness themselves, or have a family member or friend who does. It opened a dialogue I didn’t know I needed.

The Bloggess commented on my post about G-Spot shots. That’s right. I talked vaginas…and THE MUTHERF#$@ING BLOGGESS CAME TO MAH PARTY. I should change my tagline to “Jenny Lawson Was Here” because that’s all you need to know anymore.

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Introducing The Sisterwives

If I were able to get to a computer, I’d have written this myself. Lizzi knocks this intro out of the park, so I couldn’t resist using her words to help me introduce something I’m incredibly proud of and excited about….

Considerings

The Blogosphere moves in mysterious ways, and there was something about the meeting of this particular collection of individuals which screamed ‘destiny’. Allow me to introduce The SisterWives:

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I SMELL CAKE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most supportive hop EVAH: Ten Things of Thankful!

Without further ado, here are my thankfuls for this week…

1. This HOP. Duh. And the fact that it made it to the ripe, still-sexy age of 50! WOOOP! I’m so grateful for this community of incredible people!

2. The ability to muster strength and courage this week, which was only possible with the tiny shred of confidence I’ve managed to build over the past few months. I realize this is vague, but just know I had reason to feel ten feet tall. I conquered something. Something that has conquered me in the past. For now, I rule the kingdom. LIKE A BOSS.

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“Crap It”, And Other Profound Thoughts

The most unexpected part of being a grownup is….

Things like this still happen to me:

After all these years, I’m still the dingy blonde I was in my youth. Naively positive. Mostly oblivious. Probably shouldn’t be allowed to drive a motorized vehicle. But I’m entertaining, so there’s that. *sigh* (more…)

Bucket List And The Butt Dance

I want to talk about money.

Specifically what I would do with a butt-load of it.

What would I do with a million dollars? I would do frickin’ everything! Including check off my entire bucket list, which would be easy cuz it’s very short. I just started it, don’t judge.

Beth’s Bucket List (in no particular order):

1. Travel overseas. Specifically the U.K., Greece, and Italy.

2. Attend a Winter Hockey Classic game.

3. Live in a tree house. (shut up)

aaaaaand that’s all I have so far.

Now what else would I do with all that cash? Aside from paying for my kids’ college, and helping my parents, and yeah yeah give money to a charity or two (The Painted Turtle and The Elephant Sanctuary)….

I WOULD:

Travel.

Move to Durango, Colorado. Have a kick-ass tree house built for us to live in.

Buy my husband his dream bike, and a bike shop where he could build/fix bikes for the rest of his days.

Hire a personal trainer to make me get my ass in shape. I need accountability, apparently.

Since I gave a butt-load of money to The Elephant Sanctuary, they’d let me live on the grounds a few weeks out of every year and help take care of the elephants. Yippeeeee! This has nothing to do with spending mula. It’s a realization I just had, and  I’m very excited about it.

Work as a writer the rest of my days.

Until I have this money, however, I will tell you what I’m thankful for right now.

1. The WaxVAc. Because the commercial is so damn ridiculous it always makes me laugh. And the concept is so disgusting it’s brillz. Who thought of a tiny earwax vacuum? I want to meet this person.

2. Almond milk ice-cream. Thank god for it or I don’t think I could do this vegan thing.

3. Yoga pants. (see #2)

4. My IRL friends. I have a tight little group, and sometimes I don’t know how I’d exist without them.

5. Kittens. That aren’t mine, but that I can play with for hours and then leave and not deal with a litter box or piss on my bathmat. Because kittens.

6. The butt dance. My sons do this hilarious dance that makes me laugh no matter how irritated I might be.

7. Smut. That’s right. smut. My love for all naughty things, and the fact that my friends are 1) aware of my need for smut, and 2) just as pervy as me. I got a very special text photo from my friend, Mandi. it was so good I had to sit down a minute. Then Leigh sent me a delicious meme on Facebook. Thanks, ladies. Just when I think my Pinterest board is getting old hat, I have my friends supplementing my need for half-naked hotties.

8. HOLY SHIT I MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO TEN THIS TIME! (this counts as one, ya-huh!)

9. Chelsea Handler.

10. Those little dog poop bags. This needs no explanation.

**This was a combined post for FTSF whose prompt was If I had a million dollars, I would… hosted by the amazing Mommy, for RealJanine’s Confessions of a MommyaholicFinding Ninee, and Canigetanotherbottleofwhine

And Ten Things of Thankful, hosted by the incredible A Fly on our (Chicken Coop) Wall, Considerings, Finding Ninee, Getting Literal, Home On Deranged, I can say mama, I Want Backsies, RewrittenThankful MeThe Wakefield Doctrine    Want to join the fun? You should! Go to any host’s blog and link up! TToT goes live Friday night (I’m early). FTSF is live NOW!

Ten Things of Thankful
Finish the Sentence Friday
What would you do with a million dollars? Do you have a bucket list? I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS!!

I’m Aggressively Competitive. But Also Covered In Glitter. So There’s That.

*TToT BECAUSE I’M COMPETITIVE*

Dyanne is tweeting shit already about winning this thing, so now I have to “do stuff” and “make an effort”. GAH. If YOU want your chance to actually WIN something, an actual concrete, tangible gift sent from English England by Lizzi herself, press THIS and enter the contest.

But SUCKIT cuz I’m winning that shiny package!

I knew ALL the answers! maybe.

I never get computer time on the weekends, but everyone is out of the house for like ten minutes so I got lucky! I’ve got to do this quick – like quickie style!

I’m thankful for:

* This week was my Birfday and I’m grateful for my family who goes so far out of their way to make me feel like the most special person in the world. I got coffee in bed, flowers, cake, dinner, hugs, cards, phonecalls, texts, e-cards, emails, and thoughtful gifts. I didn’t even announce it was my birthday in the blogosphere except in one location for a specific reason, but word got out and then I received a ton of SWEET WONDERFUL birthday wishes from my bloggy family too, which absolutely melted my heart and put a cherry on my sundae. I even got this handmade card from Lizzi on Facebook! I couldn’t stop smiling.

lizzis card

* ICE ICE BABY! No, not the rap song. Although I hear Vanilla Ice can re-do a house like a mofo. Real ice! We have cold weather and the kids got a snow day! I know this is usually a terrible thing with the roads being dangerous, travel plans being ruined, power outages and the like. And those things are AWFUL, but I’m talking about the sledding my kids have been doing for two days. They are so damn HAPPY and CUTE all bundled up with rosy cheeks and smiley faces. We are blessed to be in a warm, safe home. I’m so very thankful for that.

*GLITTER! And the English bloggy friends that come with it. I got a beautiful, sparkly card in the mail yesterday, but didn’t see it till this morning. As soon as I eyed some glitter my gut yelled, “Get that over the sink – it’s from LIZZI!!!” Thank goodness I listened as it exploded with bits of confetti stars and glittery goodness! A handmade Lizzi card filled with funny Christmas wishes (that only she and I could understand, of course!) for me and my family.   She.Won. Mail. Forever.

*Keurig coffee makers. Because they also make hot chocolate cups, and this is infinitely easier to make for the increasing number of children that have come in/out of my house since the ice storm hit. I happen to be “that” house on our block. You know, the one where ALL the kids end up, which I adore, but I also need to be ready with snacks and drinks when they come in thirsty and hungry! It takes forever to heat up four + hot chocolates (with marshmallows of course) in the microwave! Thank you Keurig for making my life so much easier!

*Birthday money. Cuz momma needed new running shoes. Cuz life is full of 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances, which I’m also thankful for (hey, this one counts as two!) And maybe I will need those runnin’ shoes soon. *Chants: I will get outta this funk, I will get outta this funk*

*Wine

*Wine

*Wine (shut up. I’m really thankful for wine)

*Movies and Books. Because I love to escape. I love stories. Did I ever tell you all that I thought of that as a name for a kid – “Story”? I remember telling my husband I thought it would be the coolest name, maybe for a girl. I was afraid it was too feminine to be a boy’s name. THEN, Jenna Elfman (Dharma of Dharma and Greg) named her son Story like 2 years later! I know! I’m so money and I don’t even know it!

That’s it peeps! If you wanna be part of THE MOST supportive and fun blog community, RUN to link up with Ten Thing of Thankful!! RIGHT HERE. You will never, ever regret it!

Ten Things of Thankful

That’s What She Said Last Night

HAPPY 25th ANNIVERSARY TToT!

I’m pretty sure Lizzi hinted something to the effect of naked people and a cake?! Well, that’s what I heard so that’s what I’m goin’ with. I had better see some nudity, preferably in the form of a hot man. I call licking the spoon!

Ten Things of Thankful

Uhhh, I see cupcakes, but no hottie. WTF? I guess I have to take matters into my own hands, AS USUAL. Please take the time to peruse the at least 15 extra special cakey new additions to my *special* Pinterest board. It was tough research, but I think you’ll appreciate the outcome. Enjoy. I know Lizzi will.

ANYway, I have plenty to be thankful for, but am also a bit panicked because as I’m typing it’ll be just *looks at watch* four hours before my two boys will be home from school for the next nine days. NINE DAYS. This is something to be grateful for. Probably. And I am. A little. But part of me is also squinching (that’s a word, autocorrect!) because of all the writing still on my plate that I’m clearly not going to finish this month as I’d hoped. I sort of forgot about that whole nine days I’m home with the kids right after five days with my family. So I’m taking the pressure off myself *lifts off and throws*. I’ll finish when I finish. *sticks tongue out at no one in particular*

Now on to some fun stuff, you know, since I have no more pressure on me. Yippeeee!

I’m thankful the pressure to finish all my editing this month is gone. Thank you, Beth! Oh, no problem! You’re so welcome! You’re the best! No, you are. No YOU are. Stop! You stop!

I’m thankful for birthdays, namely my good friend, Kathy’s, because she always chooses our favorite Ethiopian restaurant, Queen of Sheba, to have her birthday meal, and it’s always the best day ever. The aromas…the tastes….the whole experience is transcendent. Happy Birthday, Kathy! I had SO much fun. See you in a few weeks for mine. Guess where we’re goin? My mouth is watering already. yebeg

I’m thankful that my almost-fiancé-sextape-partner Adam Levine was chosen sexiest man alive by People magazine! Wooop! Good job, sugar-buns! Way to work it!

adam levine photo: adam-levine- adam-levine--1.jpg

….and thankful/tickled that people went out of their way to text and call me, alerting me of the above news. The fact that others associate me with him is the most fun thing EVAH. My work is done. Now if I can just get him to do it….*taps finger on chin deviously*

I’m am infinitely thankful for maid services. I don’t use them on a regular basis, but every so often I have a full cleaning done…and ermergahrd…I have two boys who keep me picking up after them constantly….to come home to this e-n-t-I-r-e house immaculate….all at once…I have three words for you: better than sex.

I’m so very grateful for Movember, because beards. BEARDS. Facial hair is sexy as hell. Doesn’t have to be full beards, in fact, I prefer goatees, scruff, shadows…ohemgee…hot. This is my favorite time of year. The hubs is looking scrumptious.

I’m grateful for the weather, and this will count for two thankfuls:

a) for bringing cold weather so I can live in beanie hats for the next three months.

b) for bringing “fronts” and “pressure systems” and “drama weather” so I can finally win the weatherman argument with my husband! Our one biggest, never ending disagreement is over meteorology. He thinks weatherman are as full of shit as palm readers (hey – I love me a palm reader!) and I happen to respect the profession. I mean, it’s based on science, people. SCIENCE. I digress…

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Watching the weather at our house is down right comical because I staunchly defend them while he’s busting out an exaggerated forecaster impersonation, which is actually funny so I try desperately not to laugh. Jim knows, he KNOWS, they are right more often than not, he just won’t admit it. This Winter I’m making a graph…I’ll show him….muwahahah. Last night they predicted a strong front bringing cold and rain. IT HAPPENED.

Weatherman – 1, Jim – bigfatzero.   SUCKIT

I’m thankful for last minute babysitters! We’re going to the movies – WOOP! I think we’re seeing…..oh, who am I kidding. I don’t even know. I’m in it for the popcorn….

pop

Yes. That’s a stein of wine.

(We saw “The Armstrong Lie”. It was pretty interesting. But I drank a freakin’ gallon of wine. The Smurfs would’ve been interesting.)

And that’s ten! No no no, don’t go back and count….it’s ten. Shhh. shhhh *pets your hair* Now go on to comments and tell me what you’re thankful for, or join up with the TToT group yourself! Do you trust weatherman? Come on, pick a side! Are you on Team Beth or Team Loser Jim? I heart your comments BIG!