“Crap It”, And Other Profound Thoughts

The most unexpected part of being a grownup is….

Things like this still happen to me:

After all these years, I’m still the dingy blonde I was in my youth. Naively positive. Mostly oblivious. Probably shouldn’t be allowed to drive a motorized vehicle. But I’m entertaining, so there’s that. *sigh* (more…)

Bucket List And The Butt Dance

I want to talk about money.

Specifically what I would do with a butt-load of it.

What would I do with a million dollars? I would do frickin’ everything! Including check off my entire bucket list, which would be easy cuz it’s very short. I just started it, don’t judge.

Beth’s Bucket List (in no particular order):

1. Travel overseas. Specifically the U.K., Greece, and Italy.

2. Attend a Winter Hockey Classic game.

3. Live in a tree house. (shut up)

aaaaaand that’s all I have so far.

Now what else would I do with all that cash? Aside from paying for my kids’ college, and helping my parents, and yeah yeah give money to a charity or two (The Painted Turtle and The Elephant Sanctuary)….



Move to Durango, Colorado. Have a kick-ass tree house built for us to live in.

Buy my husband his dream bike, and a bike shop where he could build/fix bikes for the rest of his days.

Hire a personal trainer to make me get my ass in shape. I need accountability, apparently.

Since I gave a butt-load of money to The Elephant Sanctuary, they’d let me live on the grounds a few weeks out of every year and help take care of the elephants. Yippeeeee! This has nothing to do with spending mula. It’s a realization I just had, and  I’m very excited about it.

Work as a writer the rest of my days.

Until I have this money, however, I will tell you what I’m thankful for right now.

1. The WaxVAc. Because the commercial is so damn ridiculous it always makes me laugh. And the concept is so disgusting it’s brillz. Who thought of a tiny earwax vacuum? I want to meet this person.

2. Almond milk ice-cream. Thank god for it or I don’t think I could do this vegan thing.

3. Yoga pants. (see #2)

4. My IRL friends. I have a tight little group, and sometimes I don’t know how I’d exist without them.

5. Kittens. That aren’t mine, but that I can play with for hours and then leave and not deal with a litter box or piss on my bathmat. Because kittens.

6. The butt dance. My sons do this hilarious dance that makes me laugh no matter how irritated I might be.

7. Smut. That’s right. smut. My love for all naughty things, and the fact that my friends are 1) aware of my need for smut, and 2) just as pervy as me. I got a very special text photo from my friend, Mandi. it was so good I had to sit down a minute. Then Leigh sent me a delicious meme on Facebook. Thanks, ladies. Just when I think my Pinterest board is getting old hat, I have my friends supplementing my need for half-naked hotties.

8. HOLY SHIT I MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO TEN THIS TIME! (this counts as one, ya-huh!)

9. Chelsea Handler.

10. Those little dog poop bags. This needs no explanation.

**This was a combined post for FTSF whose prompt was If I had a million dollars, I would… hosted by the amazing Mommy, for RealJanine’s Confessions of a MommyaholicFinding Ninee, and Canigetanotherbottleofwhine

And Ten Things of Thankful, hosted by the incredible A Fly on our (Chicken Coop) Wall, Considerings, Finding Ninee, Getting Literal, Home On Deranged, I can say mama, I Want Backsies, RewrittenThankful MeThe Wakefield Doctrine    Want to join the fun? You should! Go to any host’s blog and link up! TToT goes live Friday night (I’m early). FTSF is live NOW!

Ten Things of Thankful
Finish the Sentence Friday
What would you do with a million dollars? Do you have a bucket list? I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS!!

How Many F#!@% Cats Do You Have?

This is my inaugural Finish The Sentence Friday Post! With this particular prompt, I couldn’t resist. You’ll see why:

One Halloween I…

met the greatest guy in.the.world. I was at a bar with a friend, and this cute guy asked Frank-the-bartender who the girl with the beautiful smile was. Three hours of non-stop chatter later, I gave the cute guy my number on a cocktail napkin. We still have that napkin.

That cute guy had his work cut out for him. For one, at that time I had eight cats. Let that sink in for a minute. Eight. Cats. For some insane reason, that didn’t deter him. He not only pretended to like them in the beginning, he scooped litter and cleaned hairballs for fifteen years until the last one passed away.


He tolerated the year I quit smoking, which is also the year I chewed Nicorrette gum and gained twelve pounds, which is also the year he woke up with Nicorrette gum stuck in his armpit hair cuz I always fell asleep with the gum in my mouth. He patiently helped while I graduated college, supported me when I decided what I really wanted to do had absolutely nothing to do with my degree, and cheered me on through years of trying to figure myself out.

He has an incredibly stressful job…but you’d never know it. Somehow he’s able to leave his high-stress world at the door when he comes home to us, always making time to take the boys for a bike ride, or help with homework, or wrestle with them before bedtime. And I don’t think a day has gone by in over 17 years that he hasn’t told me I’m beautiful.

He changed diapers, scoops poop, walks dogs, makes my coffee Every.Single.Morning, puts up with my crazy antics, tolerates the fact that I don’t like to cook, and how I always leave that one cabinet door open. His family is awesomesauce, (yes, even my MIL!) and he didn’t care that I didn’t want a wedding. I’m in absolute awe of his patience and tenacity, and I’m so proud of the husband, father, and bad-to-the-bone mountain biking athlete he is.

my bad-ass better half

my bad-ass better half

If you know me, you know I’m not a mushy girl. This post is probably the mushiest thing I’ve ever done for him. To this day, I’ve only mustered the L-word a few times, you know, on very special occasions. We don’t throw it around like “hello” and “goodbye”. In fact, we literally say “L-word” in lieu of the other three words. If I do say “it”, I have to throw in cuss words to make it sound less fluffy. I’m adorable like that.

Fortunately, he’s the same way, although he’d admit to being the more sentimental one. In fact, it’s uncanny how alike we are. There’s no doubt in my mind that Halloween night of 1996 was Devine Intervention. The Universe…or maybe guardian angels…making sure I got someone who would take care of me (and all my crazy animals) forever.

So without further ado, Happy Halloweenaversary, Jim. I fucking love the shit outta you. (I tried, but I still have to cuss. Some things never change)

*This post is part of Friday’s Finish the Sentence Blog Hop, hosted by Finding Ninnee, Kate Whinehall, Mommy is For Real and Confessions of a Mommyaholic

Finish the Sentence Friday