secrets

The Secret

“It will crawl under your skin and consume you. Let it. This is the kind of possession you want.”

The SisterWives

I said I was going to reveal something huge this week. Something saturated in my blood, sweat, and tears. Something I held secret for a long time. Too long. Something that exposes me and makes me more vulnerable than I’ve ever been.

And I will.

But first, I need you to go on a little ride with me. From the neurons firing in your brain to the marrow in your bones, I need you to comprehend the gravity of what I’m about to tell you.

Imagine yourself as eighteen again. No, really. Think about that time in your life. All the uncertainties. The feelings of trepidation and excitement mixed with insecurity and fear. The angst. Hormones charging through your veins like bulls, twisting and turning your emotions on a dime. The yearning to find yourself and understand who you are.

What if on top of all that you also had…

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A Striptease For You

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I’m in a bit of a rut. You see, the writer part of me wants needs to create things that the blogger part of me doesn’t. Writing is a way of exorcising demons. A cathartic cleansing. An artistic pest control for the brain. Typically, I mold my toxins into little analogies that take on lives of their own, a.k.a. my fiction stories. The problem? I haven’t been writing any new stuff lately. I’ve been busy with the novel and, oh, I don’t know…blogging.

The blog for me is a playground. A very necessary one. I want to keep it that way. I’m honest as shit, self-deprecating, silly, sometimes naughty (okay, a lot naughty),  sarcastic… but I also conveniently hop around the heavy stuff. And that’s okay. I have to look too many of my real-life readers in the eye. That’s a vulnerability I’m not comfortable with. But when I don’t write the heavy shit out, I get stuck.

Beth stuck =  a  f*cked up Beth

I scour other blogs whose innards are displayed for all to see, and I admire the shit outta them. Their bravery astounds me. But I don’t work that way. I’ve tried. Doesn’t mean I won’t try again. But I have to feel it. If I’m going to give you the Full Monty, it had better matter.

Part of what makes my fiction so complex and dynamic (and yes, twisted at times) is that it’s the conduit for everything I’m not able to express any other way.

It’s the metaphorical me. Stripped. Bleeding my soul onto the pages.

Naked.

My blog may be a tease, but I bare it all in my stories.

I like poetry for this purpose. I can be naked, yet shrouded in mist and mirrors. Inference and innuendo. Here is one where I am fully exposed. Can you see me?

Dwellings
Murky basements, web covered nooks hide
forbidden yearnings, mummified.
Music wakes them, songs siren.
They crawl and beg to be
heard again. Breathless
trepidation,
I unfurl.
Set me
free.

You probably can’t. Not totally. But that was the goal.

I’ve got to get the novel put to bed. So you can read it. And so I can move on.

I need to get back to writing. Characters await.

Is writing cathartic for you? Do you write “naked”? How do you see your blog? Do you dance around certain subjects? Your comments MATTER.

**Related Post: I’d like to thank My Inner Chick for her post on blogging without boundaries, which led me to deconstruct and evaluate the struggle I was having, and ultimately help me understand how I write.

Katie, Bar The Door!

I’ve been off the grid for four days with NO Wifi or TV!

DA FUH? Who does that? Thank Jesus and all things holy for 4g or I would have gone rat shit crazy on some people. I was able to do some things with my iphone, but was way more disconnected than I’m comfortable with – in other words – I missed you!

Now I’m back and BUSTING. I’m about to unleash everything that’s been pent up in my head for the past five days, hence the title of this post. Enjoy.

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Literally while on the road I find out via twitter that Inion N. Mathair are spotlighting me on their blog this week! I was gobsmacked (been waiting to use that word)! They are an infinitely talented mother/daughter writing duo who’ve been a HUGE support to me since the very beginning, and who’ve taught me what it means to be a supportive blogger. Please do yourself a favor and explore their wonderful blog, and even better, their books! Nightwalkers: The Secret of Jessup.
From the Dark and Twisted Mind of Inion N. Mathair.
The Perfect 7.

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Both boys were late to school a week or so ago because my 6yo had a last minute outfit dilemma (HAD to wear his red converse which had no laces). Each day when they get home I have to sign their binders which have detailed entries from their school day. That afternoon, this is what I found in my 9yo’s binder when I went to sign it:

tarty dangit

makin’ the family proud

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Remember two weeks ago when I went to the art reception and the hubs got me the awesome necklace, but it had to be shipped to me? Here it is. I love its simplicity. It’s a greyish green. Falls just under my collarbone.

birthday necklace

*******

MY TRIP!

Okay, so this was the annual girls trip I do with my mom and three aunts. Last year was in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. This year we stayed somewhat local and visited Ingram, Texas (just outside of Fredericksburg for those of you familiar with the area). The leaves are just starting to change here so it was beautiful. I always forget how pretty the Hill Country is with all the picturesque small towns, dreamy rivers, and enormous trees that stop me in my tracks and take my breath away. And you know, you KNOW, there were so many laughs. It got down-right crazy more than a few times. There are only three of us who drink, and managed to cash five bottles of wine over the weekend.

*A selection of photos for your viewing pleasure*

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Replica of Stonehenge

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My climbing tree

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In the branches

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view from up here

SO, I got talked into (bullied) being the test kayak to go down a very narrow (choked with roots and branches) neck of the lake (stagnant water shit hole) to see if it connected to an adjacent fishing pond. It didn’t. On the way to discovering the dead end, I managed to knock the low lying, dead branches onto myself and my kayak, along with about five hundred (okay a dozen) spiders. The area was so narrow I couldn’t turn my kayak around so I had to stand up and turn around to row the other way back out, subsequently knocking more branches – and spiders – onto my kayak, my shirt, and my hair. During this, two of my aunts were hanging back in another boat saying things like, “You’re doing great!” and “You’re so good at this!”

Whatever.

I wasn’t freaking out about the spiders. Much. I mean, I was squealing and stuff, but that’s all. UNTIL….I glanced over and there’s this freakin’ huge one right next to me coming straight for my shirt – then I just knew they were all over me and I did some sort of Bugs Bunny – Cirque de Solei freak out that I’ll never be able to repeat or explain, and like a cat I flew straight outta my seat and ended up on the end of the kayak balancing on my fingers and toes, but somehow, someway, stayed in the boat. My aunts rowed over and started killing spiders until I felt sure there were none left. I then collected my oar that I’d hurled into the water during my  acrobatic maneuver, brushed myself off, and gracefully rowed back to shore as if nothing happened. I’m resilient like that, however, I’ve officially retired as guinea pig.

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pre-spider invasion

MY amazing family managed to organize and cook the most incredible Thanksgiving meal in our condo. We celebrated early so we wouldn’t have to all travel twice this month to be together. As usual, they give me jobs like: bring wine. This is wise because I clearly don’t have the skills to pull off what they did. In case you’re wondering, the effins were perfect.

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WE went to Fredericksburg’s trade days on Saturday, and while very eclectic and fun, my favorite find was a particular booth that gave me an endless source of amusement while terrorizing friends via text and twitter:

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Does my hair look okay?

IF you’ve ever read my comment section after a post about my family, you’ve seen what’s lacking (comments from them!) and put it together that they don’t read my blog. That’s because they don’t know about it. I’ve often been tempted to tell them. I think they’d be mildly horrified, but mostly tickled and proud. I’ll share an enormous secret with you: They don’t even know I write.

Oh, they know I do Nanowrimo, but that’s because it was introduced to me by one of my cousins, so we talk about it amongst family. But they don’t know I belong to writing groups, or have a blog, or have written a novel for Pete’s sake! I’m one of those people who’s pretty private (I know, seems ironic given the blog) and am more comfortable doing something behind the scenes (in case I fail) and then announcing it when I’ve succeeded.

I need autonomy first.

I’m the only granddaughter/niece in the family, so I look to them, study them as women, and often wonder who I take after most. Each of them artistic, strong, giving, talented, smart, organized, unorganized, funny as shit, dynamic, amazing women. This weekend I realized for the first time something that made me very proud. I’m not like one of them. I’m like all of them.

But there’s this one facet of my being that’s unique to me. This enormous, yet fragile writer part. I envision publishing one day and surprising them, letting them into this sliver of my world. Someday it will make sense to them why I’m always staring off into space. Or why I’m so busy doing….what? What the hell does she do in her free time?

Someday they’ll know I’m a writer.

And then I’ll know it too.

Do you keep your blog secret from anyone? Do you think you’re most like one person in particular in your family, or a mixture? I love your comments!

Fangs, Tattoos, And A Secret? Come To Momma.

Okay, I get this a lot, where I have so much going on in my head at once that I don’t know where to start. THANK GOD it’s too early for any of my friends to call, they wouldn’t get a word in edgewise.

My friends are reading this right now and wincing nodding cuz they know it’s true. You never know what you get when you call me. A normal conversation – OR – you say hi and then there is this pop like when you open a tube of biscuit dough and that’s it: I don’t stop for a solid twenty.

Consider the biscuit dough popped.

This post is interactive! A lot of the info I am putting forth is so much more fun if it’s conversational! Respond and it’ll be like we’re talking about this stuff over the phone with coffee…but not.

And to my FRIENDS (you know who you are!) who say, “I’m scared to comment cuz I don’t know how to say stuff all eloquent like your writer friends.” First of all, have you read the comments before? No one is trying to be eloquent. (BTW, the comment section is hysterical, so do yourself a favor, seriously) Secondly, I’m talking about fun stuff. Fucking comment. See the bubble, up by the title, near the date that has a number and the word comment? Press it. Then say stuff. I’ll give you a sucker.

Anyway, for your part, I will put the text in this color. Pay attention and play along! This will be fun. DO IT. (I do not under any circumstance have a shiv in my hand right now)

I’M FREAKING EXCITED! The premiers start this week and I’m coming unglued about it! I know I shouldn’t be this excited about TV, but damnit I am and I’m not going to hide it! Here’s what I plan to watch:

Monday: The Voice. Of course I’m Team Adam! (It’s a link. Hit it. You back yet? You’re welcome.) As you know from This Post (click that link to read it later), Adam and I were almost engaged once. Fer reals. He was very hurt when I chose my hubs over him. He wrote songs about it. And got a tattoo. Probably.

Do you watch the voice? If so, are you going to miss Shakira and Usher? I am. Very much. I liked them better. I don’t hate the original cast-o-judges, I just preferred S. & U. Also, if you were on the voice and had a 4 chair turn-a-round, who would you pick? Off the subject: Sleepy Hollow. Never seen it. Should I?

I’m also very curious about the premier of a new show that night, Hostages. I’m intrigued, but it has the potential to not deliver. We’ll see. Love Toni Collette, and Dylan McDermott is nothing to sneeze at either.

Tuesday: The Voice is on again, but other than that I don’t know what to be watching Tuesdays. What’s The Originals about? Should I watch it?

Wednesday: Survivor. I know, you might be thinking, Survivor? You still watch that? YES. Yes I do. It’s still awesome. And wanna know a little secret? There’s always a little eye candy. Always at least one cute guy, and then he gets even cuter when he turns all scruffy, skinny, and strung out looking by day 20. HOT. Watch it. Do you watch Survivor? If so, what do you think of the line-up this season? Are you rooting for anyone yet? Who annoys you already? If you don’t watch it, what do you watch Wednesdays? Anything I should be taping?

 Thursday: NBC’s entire line-up, of course. What else? I’ll tape The Crazy Ones over on CBS that night, too. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s a new show with Sarah Michelle Gellar and ROBIN WILLIAMS, that looks freaking hysterical. Keep your eye on it – this could be a good one. What are your Thursday night faves? BTW, what’s going on over at Bravo? What do I need to be watching/taping? OMG – how am I going to have time for all this??

Friday: And what could possible be on Friday night, Beth? I’LL TELL YOU. Friday’s are special cuz I get to hang with my favorite things in the world, paranormals! GRIMM is replaying last season so everyone can get caught up and refreshed for their season 3 premier 10/25 – YAY! I might have a huge, unhealthy little crush on the lead character, Nick Burkhart (click and see how cute he is. I mean…right?).

Are you seeing a theme with my “boyfriends”? They’re either bad boys, or are good guys tormented by dark secrets (like, oops, I turn into a monster sometimes). YUM. And if he has fangs, tattoos, looks all tortured, AND has a secret….I just slid outta my chair. It’s okay, the hubs tolerates gets me and has no choice lets me have my little crushes. Hell, I still sleep in a Cullen #17 baseball T-shirt. (that was a Twilight reference for those of you that didn’t read the series) I might have a problem am totally stable.

ANYway, If you’ve never watched this show, do yourself a favor. It’s so well done and just good fun. Immediately following GRIMM is a new show, Dracula. Don’t know much about it, but it had me at Dracula. I hope it’s good, and I hope the vampires are sexy compelling. Do you watch GRIMM? If you were a wesen, what kind would you be? A werewolf like Monroe? An entirely new type of creature? A recognizable creature from a fable?

I’m sure there are other great shows I’m forgetting, but these are the ones premiering right now on local channels that I’m most excited about. Soon, DOWNTOWN ABBEY will be starting back with their season 4  – YAY! And VEEP on HBO is pee in your pants funny!

Tell me your favorite shows! Are there any I absolutely MUST be watching? Thank you for tolerating my thought vomit today!

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