blogging

WTF’S, Beards, BJ’s, and Anniversaries. Related, but not.

I feel very restricted by the internet today. What I really want to do is jump out from behind a door and yell, “HEY! I HAVE ALL KINDS OF SHIT TO TELL YOU!” I’d have a giant creepy grin on my face and it would scare you so bad you’d pee a little, and we’d laugh….and laugh….

(more…)

And Then Dracula Tweeted Me. The End.

*TToT LIKE A MOFO*

*WELCOME*

I’m thankful Dracula sees the value in social media. I’ve mentioned before I love monsters, bloodsuckers, and things that go bump in the night. That’s why when the shows Grimm and Dracula started a few weeks ago, I went a little ape-shit. I followed them on twitter. I retweeted some of their tweets. And then this happened. That’s right. Momma got a tweet from Dracula. (sorry so blurry, translation below)

dracula

In case you can’t see it, my nerd ass tweeted, “@NBCGrimm @NBCDracula My two dates for Friday night! #biteme”

(Shut up. I told you I’m a nerd)

And then DRACULA retweeted me and said, “It would be our pleasure.” (to my #biteme)

 *SQUEEEE*

Dracula won tweets. Forever. *sigh*

I’m grateful for trying new things. Last night the hubs and I were out to dinner with good friends at an amazing restaurant (Meddlesome Moth), and Vanessa mentioned she’d had their mussels and we should get them cuz they were SO GOOD. I said I’d never had mussels before in my life. WHAT?! She couldn’t believe it and said I must try them. So I did.

SWEET BABY JESUS. Next thing I knew, I look up and half the mussel shells are on my plate, empty, and I’m .02 seconds from lifting the bowl to my mouth to slurp the last of the juice.

I woke up wanting mussels for breakfast. This is a problem.

I’m grateful for creatives. Last night we were fortunate enough to be invited by friends (same ones from dinner) to an art reception showcasing the works of around 40 artists. As we walked around I was blown away by the amazing art in that building. I loved hearing artists talk about what inspired them to paint certain pieces, or take particular photos, because there’s a history behind every work…a soul behind the canvas, if you will. I adored seeing their eyes light up, and hearing the enthusiasm in their voices as they talked about their passion.

I get them. I understand that feeling of being compelled to create, but at the same time, not really understanding this crazy-imperative urge. And that need for others to love what you do, but more than that…to understand what you do. It was nice to be around my people is what I’m sayin’.

Plus my husband bought me a kick-ass necklace. You know, to support the arts…

I’m grateful for my hysterical children. Okay, maybe they’re more weird than hysterical, but right now, this very second as I type, my youngest is upstairs singing at the top of his lungs, “My penis is beautiful!”

You can’t make this stuff up, people. (what is it with boys and their thingies??? GAH)

Aside from that, they are so witty and crack me up constantly. The other day we’re all four in the car, and the hubs and I are discussing something about the boys when our 9yo interrupts from the backseat, “Uh…you know we can hear you. This is just offensive.”

I’m grateful for the blogging community. I’m seeing a trend that’s enlightened me to some commonalities among bloggers. Most of them are introverts, or at least were as children; have suffered from anxiety, at some form, at some point in their lives; because of an introverted nature, a yearn to connect or have a feeling of solidarity exists; are extremely empathetic; are incredibly supportive and generous; are smart, creative people who, at the very least, love to write; and who are some of the strongest, funniest people I’m honored to call my friends. I don’t think I’ve ever been more pleasantly surprised by anything as I’ve been by bloggers. I learn from and am inspired by them each day, and couldn’t be more proud to be a part of this crazy-wonderful tribe.

I’m grateful I have access for my friend’s memories My memory is fried. Between motherhood and anti-seizure medicine (a.k.a. migraine meds) I’m a zombie –  so when I don’t remember…oh, say…yesterday, I rely on others. This came in handy yesterday when I had no idea what to wear for the aforementioned art reception, and was on the phone with bestie, Robyn, warning her of my impending outfit dilemma and the downward spiral that was sure to follow. The following was our conversation, to the best of my memory:

Robyn: How ’bout a dress? Why don’t you wear a pretty dress?
Me: I don’t own a dress
Robyn: Yes you do. What about that pretty silver one, don’t you have a silvery/grey one?
Me: I’ve never had a silver dress in my life
Robyn: Yes you did. You wore a pretty silvery dress on a date with Jim like a year ago…with red flats.
Me: Red slacks? What are you talking about?
Robyn: Yes, I remember it. Go look in your closet. You wore it with cute little red flats. You sent me a picture of your outfit that night.
Me: Are you saying slacks? Like tights? *walks to closet*
Robyn: No, you idiot. Flats, like shoes. (she’s sweet)
Me: *Lightbulb* OH MY GREY BANANA REPUBLIC DRESS!
Robyn: There she is….

Thank you, Beanie, for your steel trap of a memory, and for staying on the phone with me for 45 minutes while I tried on that dress with two different pair of tights, two different pair of shoes, and choosing the accompanying cardigan, and waiting while I texted you photos of all of them for your approval. Once again, you saved my ass.

I’m grateful for rule breaking. Cuz this is TEN things of thankful, and although I’m thankful for a million things, this post is getting too long so I’m stopping here. LIKE A BOSS. BOOM. EPIC AND SHIT. HOLY SHIT BALLS (<that one was for you, Amanda) and all those other sayings I like.

Ten Things of Thankful

Oh, Look…A Squirrel…

That title pretty much sums up how my brain works when I blog. I start off with one simple task, and before I know it, it’s been nine hours. I realized the other day I’ve gotten way off course from what should be my main job right now, but in the process, you know what I’ve discovered?

I Freaking Love Blogging!

I started blogging a few months ago, and to be honest, I thought it was going to be a writer’s blog about the process of editing/publishing my novel with some other random stuff thrown in to mix it up. But I guess that’s not what organically birthed out my blog hole. (That was hands-down the grossest metaphor I’ve ever used. It’s so bad I feel compelled to leave it.) The blog has ended up the other way around, really. I like to write like I talk. I like to laugh. That’s what feels honest.

This is my voice.

The problem is I have a manuscript here. It’s waiting patiently to have its revising finished, or better yet, to be effing published. I have editors that don’t even know they’re on my list to be called upon for pricing and samples. This novel is my everything.

So why am I spending all my time blogging? Because I’m in overload. I’ve read so much information about editing, blurbs, the first 5 pages, what you should do, what you should never do, genres and sub-genres, do a prologue, never do a prologue, AHHHHHH!

I’m kind of a study-junkie. A perfectionist. I take advice very literal and to heart. I’m thirsty to learn from the people who’ve done it before me. But it’s all been too much, and has literally paralyzed me from moving forward.

So I’ve been falling back on my new love, blogging, which conveniently takes up all my time, and has become a great excuse to avoid something else, something far too overwhelming.

 Enter the *Writer Whisperer*

This is what I’ve dubbed a friend of mine, unbeknownst to her (until now), who I had lunch with her the other day. She basically said, what the fuck have you been doing and why isn’t this brilliant book published yet? (She actually used the word brilliant, just so you know. Ironically, this is the same woman who told me to start a blog.) But you know what? She was right. After talking to her, the weight lifted off my shoulders.

I have 5 beta readers who already told me any integral changes I needed to make. I have to STOP obsessing over it. My novel is written. And it’s good. I just need to clean it up and get it to a pro editor. Let them figure out the rest.

That’s precisely what I’ll be spending more time doing for the next couple of weeks. Wish me luck. I’ll need it.

*Oh, and the last post I wrote about the Fall premiers? Come talk to me in comments as you watch during the week. Let me know what you’re liking/not liking!  (On The Voice…did you see my ex-almost-fiancé’s sexy beard? Me Likey! #TeamAdam)* —that “Oh, Look…A Squirrel…” moment was brought to you by Beth Teliho, the most easily distracted writer on Earth. Maybe don’t write her about TV. Yes, do!

Did you always know your blog’s voice? Does blogging take up more time than you expected? Is it your first love or do you write other things, too? I love hearing from you!

Blogging Takes Big Hairy Balls

I know what you’re thinking. Why does blogging take balls? I’ll tell you why. Because you’re putting yourself out there. Big time. You’re holding a neon sign and saying, “Hey world, here I am and all the crazy shit that goes on in my head! Do you like me? Press that thumbs-up button!”

Some days your post may be funny, other days it may be more thought provoking. You never know which your followers will respond to. It’s all a big risk, but you can’t write for some supposed, abstract expectation. So you write what’s in your head and in your heart. You squeeze your eyes and say a little prayer that someone out there in the blogosphere gets you, and you hit that publish button.

To some people this may be a risk free endeavor. People who are comfortable being in the spot light. “Here I am, take it or leave it” type people. They put it all out there, lay it all on the line to be judged or loved. Easy peasy. I admire the shit out of those people.

But that’s not me. Not by a long shot.

I’m more of a “waves from afar, hope you like me but if you don’t then I probably need to apologize at this point” type. Have you ever played that game – that what Friends character are you most like game? You probably have. So keep in mind who you think you’re most like, but then ask someone else who knows you well which character they think you’re most like. The answers won’t always match. My friends all said I was definitely Phoebe. I’m assuming because we’re both blonde and dingy; good natured and a little eccentric. Know who I always related to? Chandler. I never related to any of the girls – they were way too together for me. I related to the shy guy who never knew where he fit in. The sometimes awkward one who used humor to get himself through life, or to cover up when things got too real.

I’m fiercely private by nature, but trying very hard to learn to be more open. It takes tremendous effort to quiet the negative voices in my head and gather the cajones to write. I’ve found this is infinitely easier to do with strangers, however, so blogging is good practice for me. There is a comfortable buffer in sending your words to people you never (or rarely) see. Conversely, handing my novel over to beta readers, whom I know personally, almost made me physically ill. I would have rather paraded naked in front of them. I did it, though. I gave them my novel because I want it to succeed that bad. I’ll do whatever it takes.

So why the hell bother with a blog, Beth? Because I need to, desperately. It’s strangely cathartic. It fulfills some sort of innate writer’s need to share what’s in my head. If I don’t satisfy this call to action, I’m going to end up that crazy lady under the highway that talks to invisible people and shows her boobs to strangers eats paper. And you know, you know, I’ll have like a hundred cats. So I’ll continue to use this awesome, crazy, strange venue to purge what my muse wants to create, and with shaky, tentative hands I’ll offer it to you.

This is what was in my head today. I’m scooping my big, hairy balls over to the side so I can reach the publish button. If you enjoyed it, hit that damn like button and let me feel the love. Even better, comment and tell me which Friends character you think you’re most like. Did it match what others thought? Are you a blogger? Let me know if it takes big hairy balls for you to blog too. You can use a different analogy if you want. Jes sayin’. If you’re not appreciating the testes visual. If you are, you’re welcome.

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award

sisterhood-of-the-world-bloggers-award

*WRITER B IS ME* HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN AWARD!!! The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award is passed from Sister-Blogger to Sister-Blogger to recognize blogs whose writing inspires you, and being nominated is a huge honor!

As a very young blog, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with gratitude for this lovely gesture. On my recent post, Hold My Hand Until I Can Fake It, Please, this is exactly the kind of fellow comrade support I was referring to.

There are a few rules that go along with receiving this award. I’ve seen different versions, but I’ve chosen to follow those my nominator used:

1. You have to thank the person that nominated you. (no problem there!)

2. You have to include the award logo on your site. (done and done)

3. You have to name 7 things no one knows about you. (ruh roh)

4. You have to nominate 7 other blogs who inspire you and let them know they’ve been nominated. (Only seven? Okay! Can’t wait!)

LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!

I don’t think I could say enough about the Sisters-O-Mine that nominated me for this award! They are the Dynamic Duo, Inion N. Mathair, the mother and daughter team like no other. Our blogs united one foggy night and it was kismet! They adopted me as a Sis and have been cheerleaders for my writing and blog ever since. Who does that? Inion N. Mathair do, that’s who. They are givers. And not only that, they are brilliant writers. I happen to know that for a fact because I’m reading their book, The Perfect 7, right now and I can’t put it down! If you haven’t been to their beautiful blog, check it out ASAP!

Now for 7 things about me you probably don’t know unless you’re a stalker:

1. I once took it upon myself to taste and review every Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor in my quest for a favorite. The hubs and I would each get a new pint every Saturday night and try each other’s. This spanned several months. The result? Five pounds and chin acne. No, that’s not my favorite flavor. That would be disgusting (what would be in it?) That’s what happens when you consume a pint/week for months. The winner? I don’t even remember. Something with the word Marzipan in it maybe? I probably ate the container.

2. For a very large chunk of my life, I was that crazy cat lady. No, really. In my early twenties I had eight cats. Now, you might be thinking….ew, but please know I was young, and naïve, and just trying to save the world one stray kitty at a time. And I took care of those eight cats (without acquiring any more, might I add, cuz I got a clue) for close to twenty years, until the last one passed away. I miss their purrs and little wet noses, but I don’t miss the litter boxes.

3. I can make the veins in my right hand wiggle like snakes. If this writing thing doesn’t pan out, I’m going to the circus with that little nugget.

4. If I could travel to any destination in the world, I’d go to Greece. I want to visit the ruins, the beaches, the islands…all of it.

5. My death row last meal would be Ethiopian food. If you haven’t tried it, do so immediately. My favorite dishes are the vegetarian ones, but everything is good. And, you don’t use silverware! Bonus! My death row music (do they let you do that? they totally should) would be Blues. Probably John Lee Hooker. Or Buddy Guy. Or maybe I would just rock it out to some Florence and the Machine. I mean, it’s my LAST DAY ON EARTH! I WANNA YELL AND STUFF! I love her.

6. I have a terrible habit of falling asleep at the park. While my kids are there. It’s just so hot….and I’m so tired….if I just lay my head on this picnic table for a second….YAWN.  “Mommy?!”  *jerks head up*  *wipes drool from chin*

7. The kiddos and I listen to music in the car all the time. Once, on a whim, while listening to Maroon 5, I told them Adam Levine was once my boyfriend and had asked me to marry him. Their reactions were so awesome, I couldn’t resist but continue: I went on to say that I had to choose between Adam and their daddy, and chose their daddy cuz, when it came right down to it, I knew he’d tolerate cellulite be a better husband and father. They totally bought it. I tried to kinda smile so they’d know I was kidding – but it flew right over their radars. There are currently 7,109,441,475 people on planet Earth and two of them believe with all their sweet little hearts that Adam Levine would actually take me for his wife. THAT’S GOLD PEOPLE. I’m not sayin’ a word.

Now on to the nominees for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award! My criteria for choosing was simple:  BLOGS I LOVE! I love to laugh, HARD, at stripped-to-the-bone honesty, and I’m also totally inspired by creative, unique  blogs that support other bloggers. So without further ado, and in no particular order:

1. Shitastrophy. Her name is Alyson and she is the funny lady behind this hysterical blog. I watch for her tweets, FB updates, and new posts like a crack addict. There are few people that make me laugh like her, in fact, I can count them on one hand! Her category titles alone will make you spew Diet Coke out your nose! She often guest hosts other bloggers so she’s an awesome Sister-blogger too. Her shit is SO funny, a compilation book is even in the works! I would buy that in a NY minute, Alyson!

2. Baking in a tornado. Karen has done an incredible thing: not only has she created an amazing blog for blogs like mine to aspire to, but she incorporates recipes at the end of each post! She’s also is a MAJOR Sister-blogger, guest hosting other bloggers, yes, but also with her FLY ON THE WALL, and SECRET SUBJECT SWAP writing prompts that engage and encourage bloggers to write, share, and network. THAT’S AWESOME! And a ton of fun! She is sweet, and supportive, and I truly admire her!

3. When Crazy Meets Exhaustion. Stephanie is the zany, hilarious gal behind this hugely successful blog that makes me genuinely LOL all the time. I adore that her “Hiya” is in honor of her Grandmother, and I instantly respect anyone who idolizes the genius Tina Fey! You can just tell this chic would be a blast to hang out with and I can’t get enough of her! Another honest, funny, smart woman. I love it! Must check out her Oversharing page!

4.  Leigh Bones: you can’t hide crazy. Remember how I said I can count on one hand people that make me laugh REAL hard? Leigh is one of them! You want honest? Leigh is h-o-n-e-s-t! And, oh God, she’s so funny and I can’t stand it. If you haven’t visited her site, do yourself a favor, and while you’re there look for her recent post, Labia Lipstick. Not only will you laugh your ass off, you’ll also obsess over what your shade is! Don’t act like you won’t. You will. Did I mention she’s training for a MARATHON? She is. For real. And she’s posting about the whole journey.

5. elleroy was here: funny with a soundtrack.  Linda’s blog is a blast to follow! Not only is she a no-holds-barred writer, but also a photographer, a talented musician, a mom of two boys, and funny as hell! This woman oozes creativity, right down to her Saturday cocktails! I think she might win for coolest looking blog too – LOVE the guitar header! She is definitely a blog I look up to. If you haven’t checked her out, RUN, do not walk. Oh, and if you hate Mondays…you just found your tribe.

6. Is your Father home yet? Oh Mandi, you gave with out taking….I bet you’ve heard that a million times. Sorry for the Manilow reference.  Mandi’s blog is pure greatness. I instantly loved her because of how much I related to her posts, and of course, how much she made me laugh. Check her out. Right now. And when you go, don’t miss her post, Attack of the Asshole Monkey. (and I thought it was funny that my dad had a giant iguana living in his kitchen that hissed at us. It is, but her monkey story is WAY funnier!)

7. The Redneck Princess. I’m truly inspired by Donna’s blog. Just her page categories are impressive: My Photography, Recipes, Beauty, Crafts, The Poet in Me, Tutorials, Give-a-ways, Gardening, and Do it Yourself! WHAT. It’s true. And her posts are honest, sometimes tender, and always funny. AND, she was one of the first people to hop over to my baby blog and like several of my posts. THAT’S A SISTER BLOGGER. So, of course, she owns me, heart and soul. 🙂

Now, I know that’s my 7, but I’m going to do a quick, honorary shout-out to three ladies whose blogs I’m obsessed with. It might be breaking the rules, but I’m blonde so I can just act confused. Had I been able to include these gals on my list I would have, but they were just honored with the award, like, last freaking week so I can’t! But I want them to know how in awe I am of their blogs and writing, and how grateful I am for their *SUPPORT*! 1. Jennifer M. Zeiger 2. Jay C. Wolfe 3. Lafemmeroar

Okay, Sister Bloggers-O-Mine, CONGRATULATIONS on your award! You all deserve it! High Five each other and celebrate! In other words, BREAK OUT THE WINE! And thank you all for inspiring me and making me laugh every day! 🙂