Never Give Up, Canine Edition

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It was my youngest son’s birthday weekend and my mom was in town to be part of the festivities. We were cleaning up empty cake plates and shredded wrapping paper when my mom’s cell phone rang.

She’s on the board of the animal welfare society in her small town. Someone called to alert her that a dog had been found limping down the street, apparently shot in the leg, and had been dropped off at a local vet. The vet didn’t think the leg could be saved and plans were to euthanize the pup on Monday.

She was extremely disturbed after hanging up. Her plan was to call the veterinarian first thing Monday morning to stop the euthanasia and get the whole story.

In talking with the vet she learned the dog was not only perfectly healthy, neutered, and friendly, but also heartworm negative. “Heartworm negative?” my mom screeched. “There’s no reason to ever put a heartworm negative animal down. Can you save the leg?” He thought he could after all. “Do the surgery,” she said. “I’ll pay for it.”

About two months later I was visiting my mom for the weekend. I walked to the guest room to set my suitcase down and was greeted by a black and white dog with ridiculous Shrek ears and a bandaged front leg. *cue thunderbolt*

I was in love.

You don’t understand, I’m not really a dog person. That’s not to say I don’t love dogs. I do. But I’ve always thought of myself as more of a cat person.

But this dog. Something about this dog. I mean, he was mine. That’s all there was to it.

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You complete me.

They had named him Gunner (because he’d been shot). Aside from the fact I thought that was kind of sad, I wasn’t crazy about that moniker. But that’s okay, cuz I knew the one that belonged to him the minute I saw his little face. MILO.

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Don’t think for a second I took Milo home that weekend. No-o-o-o. I still had to get it past my husband. My very stubborn husband who was adamant we couldn’t have another dog. But we women are smart. And resourceful. That was Memorial Day weekend.

Milo was home with us by Labor Day.

Rescue stories are not always positive. After all, they potentially come with baggage. You really have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. Well, lemme tell you. We were one of the lucky ones. He’s perfect.

No, really.

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He’s kind of a cat-dog. He’s not a barker. I can get on my bike and he’ll just follow me anywhere. You’d never know he almost lost his leg, he’ll run for hours. We can leave the front door wide open – he won’t bolt. The kids can roll all over him, yank on him, dress him up. I shudder to think what could have been his fate had it been someone else on the other end of the phone that day.

He has a kind, gentle soul. He’s….he’s…

Well. He’s Milo.
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How about you? Do you have a pet? I’d love to hear about your furry best friend!  

Can You Smell Them?

I’m baking cookies RIGHT NOW. Can you smell the chocolately goodness? I’m celebrating many things!

1. I spent the morning with a lovely lady who might as well be my sister. We are so close that our kids think they’re cousins, and hers call me “Aunt B”. Yeah, one of those besties. We got pedicures, had a yummo lunch, and then shopped. We both eyed this sweatshirt (photo below) in the 50% off rack at the same time. We both bought it. It’ll do since I can’t have the one I REALLY want from Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – HERE. <<<(DO NOT PRESS THAT LINK IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED. JUST DON’T.)

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Cuz, Epic and Shit.

2. I got my manuscript back from my editor-OMG. My first thoughts? I won’t be doing Nano this year. I have a mountain of work to do! BUT, I knew that going in and I’m so relieved she was able to point out the problems and suggest things I can do to steer it in a better direction. It’s all a bit overwhelming, but at the same time I’m really excited and anxious to get started.

3. I’m VERY excited to have a few minutes of time and inspiration to finally post something new and have my previous title out of my face. I’m tired of seeing my exploding boobs everywhere. I’m sure you concur.

4. OctPoWriMo. A challenge to write a poem each day the month of October. It has sparked creativity I didn’t know I had, and some things have happened that I’m pretty proud of.

5. THREE DAY WEEKEND. nuff said.

6. I entered one of my short stories in a Fresh Ink writing contest. *eeeek*

7. The hubs had an idea for us to take the kids to a seafood place last night and order a big platter of crab legs. His theory was while they were enamored with cracking legs with the cool pliers and pulling meat out with the tiny fork, we could actually have a beer and a continuous conversation.

I thought he was nuts.

IT WORKED. Not only could he and I talk, but it was like a date with the kids. I didn’t realize how long it’d been since we all four were together, really presently together. We had such a good time we’re gonna do it every Friday. Sometimes (SOMETIMES) hubs can be geniuses.

So I offer you all virtual COOKIES on behalf of my theme today: EPIC AND SHIT. Cuz it just fits, doesn’t it?

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Does something have you all excited today? Do you celebrate with food? What’s your favorite celebration food? Please share with me! I can’t wait to hear about it!

This wasn’t originally a TToT post, but the lovely Lizzi Rogers of Considerings was sweet enough to encourage me to join the linky even though I don’t have ten things and I’m running a bit late. Now I’m adding an 8th thing I’m excited about this weekend – wonderful bloggy friends.

Ten Things of Thankful

I Wish I Blogged When My Boobs Were Exploding

My first baby was born over nine years ago. I can’t quite believe I just wrote that. Seems like yesterday his tiny, squirmy body was placed in my arms and now he’s almost as tall as me. YOWZA! But aside from the happy memories of bringing a healthy baby home, and the absolute wonder of it all (I fucking did that? I made a human? ME?), you wanna know what I remember from that time?

fear-panic-isolation-anxiety-frustration-angst-depression-anger. all at once.

Why? Because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and I didn’t have any other friends who’d been through it yet. Oh I had acquaintances, but not close friends. I had books that pretended to prepare me, but not buddies who’d been there. I had no advice, no one making me laugh through the trials of breast feeding, no one telling me to hang in there, it just gets worse the hard part’s almost over. You know what I was missing?

THE BLOGOSPHERE.

I’m new around here, but as I’m reading all these HILARIOUS, AMAZING mommy bloggers I can’t help but feel a little pang of resentment that I didn’t have this resource when I was leaking milk and sneeze-peeing my way through sleepless nights. I would have taken anyone – ANYTHING – if it just felt like solidarity. If it just made me laugh or feel like I wasn’t insane. More than normal, anyway.

I’m reading The Mother Of All Meltdowns right now and OH if I had only had this book then! It’s SO funny! No one asked me to review it, trust me, this is all on me, but reading it is partly what inspired this post so I had to give it its due mention. If you don’t have it yet – do yourself a favor. And then follow all the authors because their blogs are GENIUS.

Okay, so maybe I didn’t have the insight and wisdom of other mommies when I was post-partum, or having to PUMP ALL MY MILK CUZ HE HAD A SUCKING PROBLEM WHAT THE HELL, through the potty training years (which just happened like a week ago BECAUSE I HAVE BOYS AND THEY DON’T CARE IF THEY SIT IN THEIR OWN FECES ALL DAY), or the tantrums, or losing naptime, or….or…breathe Elizabeth, breathe.

I do have it now, though. And now it’s going to help me with my third baby: my novel. They say the Universe has a way of making all things even. I believe that, utterly and completely. The Yin and the Yang. Karma. All that stuff. Balance Baby. Yeah. Can you hear the drums? Can you smell the weed sage? Kumbafrickinya….sing it with me…..

 

How about you? Did/does the bloggy world give you support during challenging times? I LOVE your comments!

Do The Lambs Still Scream, Clarice?

I turned my novel into an editor on Friday.

I tried to find a photo that would convey shear terror and elation at the same time. Like a girl, mouth wide open with a scream, covered in blood, but also in a tutu, twirling and dancing.

Couldn’t find it.

On one hand, the tremendous work of revising and editing just to get it ready for this stage is finally OVER. I’m free now to catch up on what I had let go. Turns out the shit hits the fan around here without me. It took me ALL WEEKEND to catch up on Mount Laundry, the frat house my upstairs had become, dishes, bathrooms….UGH. And the house being up to par only frees me up for the endless list of other things I need to catch up on: that oil change, and those bills with their pesky due dates. But now I can tackle it; that’s the good news.

On the other hand, every time I remember there’s someone reading my novel I want to spit up a little. Yes, people have read it before, but they weren’t professionals, whose aim it is to find problems.

What if she hates it?

What if she tells me it’s shit?

What if it comes back so riddled in red marks I’ll never see my way out of it?

What if she doesn’t love my characters like I do?

will this excruciating fear ever end?

I wonder if authors always feel this way, or do you finally get to a point of confidence in your work? Does Stephen King write The End and think I just shit gold!

I try, I try to quell the scary thoughts and replace them with positive ones: What if she loves it? What if she has great suggestions I can’t wait to implement? What if everything’s going to be just fine did you ever consider that you masochistic nut-job?

Last night I was on the computer. My husband came in and – seeing the expression on my face – asked if I was looking at a murder scene.

Kinda. I was on a website about formatting your novel for ebook. *gulp* Seems really overwhelming. I had to take a few deep breaths and remember the words I’ve been telling myself during this whole journey — the same ones I told myself in an earlier post, Hold My Hand Until I Can Fake It , Please : I need to just take things in baby steps, and know that there are amazing, supportive communities of writers out there to help me through these processes.

I just need to reach out and ask for it. Breathe in, Breathe out.

Writers/Authors: Do you still die inside when others are editing your work? What is the best advice you could give me on self-pubbing? Or the best place you would send me for resources?

Anyone: To show you how much I appreciate you reading all the way to this point, I give you this. Don’t say I never gave you anything.

I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop

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Secret Subject Swap - Swapiversary!

We need your vote! Today the Secret Subject Swap is joining the Blog Strut for a very special occasion. It is the one year anniversary of the Swap and we’re celebrating with a Strut!

The Secret Subject Swap is a challenge open to all bloggers. It’s meant as an exercise to push our writing boundaries. Each participant sends in a writing prompt and is secretly assigned someone else’s prompt. Two weeks later, on an assigned day and time, we all divulge the subject we received, who it came from, and publish our posts linking to each other.

And now on the one year Swapiversary we want you to tell us, who is the Queen of the Swap? Read them all and strut back here to cast your vote. Who will win the Award? It’s all in your hands!

Queen of the Swap

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*Gasp* Paparazzi Are At My Door!

Welcome to the Secret Subject Swapiversary (Happy 1 Year!) hosted by the amazing Karen over at Baking in a Tornado! You’re in for a treat because this is also a Blog Hop, and Best Swap Post Contest! WOW! This week,12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My secret subject was submitted by Jennifer of Outsmarted Mommy. If you haven’t visited her blog before, do yourself a favor! She’s hilarious!

My subject swap: you wake up on an ordinary day. When you leave the house you see people following you with cameras everywhere you go. You slowly figure out you are famous but don’t know why. How does the rest of your day unfold? Why are you famous? My response is just under the list of links below.

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and have fun reading! Please come back to any of the swap posts tonight after 8:00PM Eastern time (through Sunday) to vote for your favorite Swap post and join in The Blog Strut linky party!

Baking in a Tornado
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Crazy As Normal
Searching For Sanity
Home On Deranged
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The Insomniac’s Dream
Outsmarted Mommy
Black Sheep Mom
Writer B is Me

It’s 5:18AM. Far too early for life to begin. I squirm into my sports bra and wrestle workout clothes onto my tired body. With one eye open, I shuffle down the hall into the kitchen, mix and force down my protein-powder-water breakfast, and feed the dog. I grab water, keys and phone and exit quietly.

BLAM! A light flashes right in my face. I instinctively flinch, cover my face with my hands. BLAM! POW! More flashes. My water bottle hits the ground. I fumble for the doorknob and rush back inside.

What. The. Hell?!

I peak out the narrow side window. There are SUV’s parked down both sides of my block. As my eyes adjust, I can see figures in my yard, on my sidewalk, on the street. All with cameras.

Did something happen? Was there a crime? What were photographers doing in my yard? Maternal instinct sets in. With no regard for my own safety, I walk right back outside to find out what the hell was going on.

BLAM! POW! “Beth, can we get a few words!” a camera man says holding a microphone in my face. FLASH! “Beth, over here for E News!” SNAP! POP!

ohmygodohmygodohmygod  A sick pit swells in my stomach as realization sinks in.

 They’re here for me. And I know why.

I can’t allow my family to find out this way. I have to get out of here! I put my arm in front of my face and make a dash for my car. They follow me like a swarm of bees. I elbow my way into the driver’s seat, and with shaky hands, turn the ignition. I drive, parting them like a herd of buffalo, and make my way down the street. Headlights shine in my rearview mirror; they’re following me!

I floor it and haul around the corner, flying through alleys and side streets in the dark. Finally satisfied I’ve lost them, I whip into a stranger’s back driveway. Good thing I still have my cell. I need to make a few calls. There’s only one reason I would go from regular, everyday housewife to front page news…….

Sex tape.

I’ll be honest, part of me always thought this day might come. I mean, who’s stupid enough to video hot romps with an up-and-coming musician? Apparently I was, but that was a-g-e-s ago. We were young and in love, and it was before he was a “celebrity”. Before I married someone else and had a family. How did it get out? Who leaked it? Surely not HIM! No way he’d want the world to know he’d ever been with a regular woman, a NON-LINGERIE-MODEL! *gasp*

I close my eyes and nod. This is really happening. My face is splashed all over the tabloids by now – my whole life is changed forever. My entire family’s lives. MTV will want to interview me. TMZ will stalk me for months, maybe even years. I’ll be a household name!

I dial the phone. I know who I have to warn first.

“Mom? Yeah, I know it’s early. Yes, everyone’s fine. Hey, you know that Kardashian reality show? Well, get ready, ’cause that’s about to be our life, but less Armenian cat fights, more Irish sarcasm. ANYway, want me to bring the corn at Thanksgiving? Hello?”

“Mom?”

Secret Subject Swap This has been a Secret Subject Swap post! Don’t forget to check out the other fantastic links, and be sure to swing back by any of our blogs Thursday night after 8:00PM Eastern (through Sunday)  to vote for your favorite Swap post and join in The Blog Strut linky party! Woo Hoo! Thank you, Karen! You Rock!

TOASTERS! It’s The Little Things…

MY FIRST TEN THINGS OF THANKFUL POST! (ed. 17)

**I think I was once a woman who lived in the pioneer days. I say this because I find myself thankful for modern conveniences, but in a weird way, like I know what it was like without them, even though, of course, I do not. So in honor of her, I’m also going to throw in there dishwasher, car, electric stove, wash machine/dryer, dentistry, trash pick-up, and plane transportation. I’m sure there are more, but my past-life pioneer lady is busy scrubbing pantaloons in the river. I’ll ask her later.

Without further ado, and in no particular order, TEN THINGS I’M THANKFUL FOR:

1. This week some people in my life have given me completely unexpected little gifts that swelled my heart. These were not gifts in a literal sense, but intangible ones. A spontaneous act of kindness. Something genuine and sweet. Something that made my day. I appreciate those gestures more than they could ever know.

2. Rainy days. They’re the absolute best. For some reason, rainy days give permission to be curled on the couch at 2:00PM. In sweats. Eating ice cream. LIKE A BOSS.

3. My In-Laws. Yes, you read that right. I have the best in-laws in the world. Not only do I suspect they’re actually Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus, but they also find time in their busy schedules to give me and the hubs some date nights, and that’s just the shizzle dizzle.

4. Pinterest. (<press it!) Because I get to spend time making boards about things that interest me. How self-indulgent is that? It’s so fun! BTW, is it wrong to have a board dedicated to hotties? I’m asking for a friend.

5. Time. I’m so grateful for the place my life is in right now, and the time it allows me to spend oodles of time doing what I love: writing. I will never take it for granted. Ever.

6. Take out. Because I suck at wifery (some aspects, anyway) and never seem to be able to manage an entire week of dinners. Hell, sometimes two days of dinners is a big week for me. If it weren’t for take out, we would exist on soup and frozen pizza.

7. The Universe. For putting me in touch with just the right people…at just the right time. And always leading me in the right direction. Thank you. You rock.

8. Halloween! Not just because it’s the most fun, coolest day of the year where we get to dress up, and decorate, and eat candy corn…but it’s also the night I met my husband. 🙂

9. Milo. My dog. For running in the field with me every morning. For not requiring a leash even if I’m on a bike. For being the best trail running dog EVAH. For being patient with me. For not being a barker. For allowing the kids to pester the shit outta you. And for being the best rescue dog success story one could hope for.

10. Funny. This week I noticed how funny, how really witty, my boys are. They crack me up. I realized this comes from being around people who look at life with a sense of humor. It started with my family when I was young. They were the first people to make me laugh, and to teach me to look at life through silly, googly eyed glasses. It’s a gift, really, and it’s so damn cool to see it continue to my children.

Thank you to the hosts for letting me play and be a part of TToT. This was a pleasure!

Ten Things of Thankful

Oh, Look…A Squirrel…

That title pretty much sums up how my brain works when I blog. I start off with one simple task, and before I know it, it’s been nine hours. I realized the other day I’ve gotten way off course from what should be my main job right now, but in the process, you know what I’ve discovered?

I Freaking Love Blogging!

I started blogging a few months ago, and to be honest, I thought it was going to be a writer’s blog about the process of editing/publishing my novel with some other random stuff thrown in to mix it up. But I guess that’s not what organically birthed out my blog hole. (That was hands-down the grossest metaphor I’ve ever used. It’s so bad I feel compelled to leave it.) The blog has ended up the other way around, really. I like to write like I talk. I like to laugh. That’s what feels honest.

This is my voice.

The problem is I have a manuscript here. It’s waiting patiently to have its revising finished, or better yet, to be effing published. I have editors that don’t even know they’re on my list to be called upon for pricing and samples. This novel is my everything.

So why am I spending all my time blogging? Because I’m in overload. I’ve read so much information about editing, blurbs, the first 5 pages, what you should do, what you should never do, genres and sub-genres, do a prologue, never do a prologue, AHHHHHH!

I’m kind of a study-junkie. A perfectionist. I take advice very literal and to heart. I’m thirsty to learn from the people who’ve done it before me. But it’s all been too much, and has literally paralyzed me from moving forward.

So I’ve been falling back on my new love, blogging, which conveniently takes up all my time, and has become a great excuse to avoid something else, something far too overwhelming.

 Enter the *Writer Whisperer*

This is what I’ve dubbed a friend of mine, unbeknownst to her (until now), who I had lunch with her the other day. She basically said, what the fuck have you been doing and why isn’t this brilliant book published yet? (She actually used the word brilliant, just so you know. Ironically, this is the same woman who told me to start a blog.) But you know what? She was right. After talking to her, the weight lifted off my shoulders.

I have 5 beta readers who already told me any integral changes I needed to make. I have to STOP obsessing over it. My novel is written. And it’s good. I just need to clean it up and get it to a pro editor. Let them figure out the rest.

That’s precisely what I’ll be spending more time doing for the next couple of weeks. Wish me luck. I’ll need it.

*Oh, and the last post I wrote about the Fall premiers? Come talk to me in comments as you watch during the week. Let me know what you’re liking/not liking!  (On The Voice…did you see my ex-almost-fiancé’s sexy beard? Me Likey! #TeamAdam)* —that “Oh, Look…A Squirrel…” moment was brought to you by Beth Teliho, the most easily distracted writer on Earth. Maybe don’t write her about TV. Yes, do!

Did you always know your blog’s voice? Does blogging take up more time than you expected? Is it your first love or do you write other things, too? I love hearing from you!

Fangs, Tattoos, And A Secret? Come To Momma.

Okay, I get this a lot, where I have so much going on in my head at once that I don’t know where to start. THANK GOD it’s too early for any of my friends to call, they wouldn’t get a word in edgewise.

My friends are reading this right now and wincing nodding cuz they know it’s true. You never know what you get when you call me. A normal conversation – OR – you say hi and then there is this pop like when you open a tube of biscuit dough and that’s it: I don’t stop for a solid twenty.

Consider the biscuit dough popped.

This post is interactive! A lot of the info I am putting forth is so much more fun if it’s conversational! Respond and it’ll be like we’re talking about this stuff over the phone with coffee…but not.

And to my FRIENDS (you know who you are!) who say, “I’m scared to comment cuz I don’t know how to say stuff all eloquent like your writer friends.” First of all, have you read the comments before? No one is trying to be eloquent. (BTW, the comment section is hysterical, so do yourself a favor, seriously) Secondly, I’m talking about fun stuff. Fucking comment. See the bubble, up by the title, near the date that has a number and the word comment? Press it. Then say stuff. I’ll give you a sucker.

Anyway, for your part, I will put the text in this color. Pay attention and play along! This will be fun. DO IT. (I do not under any circumstance have a shiv in my hand right now)

I’M FREAKING EXCITED! The premiers start this week and I’m coming unglued about it! I know I shouldn’t be this excited about TV, but damnit I am and I’m not going to hide it! Here’s what I plan to watch:

Monday: The Voice. Of course I’m Team Adam! (It’s a link. Hit it. You back yet? You’re welcome.) As you know from This Post (click that link to read it later), Adam and I were almost engaged once. Fer reals. He was very hurt when I chose my hubs over him. He wrote songs about it. And got a tattoo. Probably.

Do you watch the voice? If so, are you going to miss Shakira and Usher? I am. Very much. I liked them better. I don’t hate the original cast-o-judges, I just preferred S. & U. Also, if you were on the voice and had a 4 chair turn-a-round, who would you pick? Off the subject: Sleepy Hollow. Never seen it. Should I?

I’m also very curious about the premier of a new show that night, Hostages. I’m intrigued, but it has the potential to not deliver. We’ll see. Love Toni Collette, and Dylan McDermott is nothing to sneeze at either.

Tuesday: The Voice is on again, but other than that I don’t know what to be watching Tuesdays. What’s The Originals about? Should I watch it?

Wednesday: Survivor. I know, you might be thinking, Survivor? You still watch that? YES. Yes I do. It’s still awesome. And wanna know a little secret? There’s always a little eye candy. Always at least one cute guy, and then he gets even cuter when he turns all scruffy, skinny, and strung out looking by day 20. HOT. Watch it. Do you watch Survivor? If so, what do you think of the line-up this season? Are you rooting for anyone yet? Who annoys you already? If you don’t watch it, what do you watch Wednesdays? Anything I should be taping?

 Thursday: NBC’s entire line-up, of course. What else? I’ll tape The Crazy Ones over on CBS that night, too. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s a new show with Sarah Michelle Gellar and ROBIN WILLIAMS, that looks freaking hysterical. Keep your eye on it – this could be a good one. What are your Thursday night faves? BTW, what’s going on over at Bravo? What do I need to be watching/taping? OMG – how am I going to have time for all this??

Friday: And what could possible be on Friday night, Beth? I’LL TELL YOU. Friday’s are special cuz I get to hang with my favorite things in the world, paranormals! GRIMM is replaying last season so everyone can get caught up and refreshed for their season 3 premier 10/25 – YAY! I might have a huge, unhealthy little crush on the lead character, Nick Burkhart (click and see how cute he is. I mean…right?).

Are you seeing a theme with my “boyfriends”? They’re either bad boys, or are good guys tormented by dark secrets (like, oops, I turn into a monster sometimes). YUM. And if he has fangs, tattoos, looks all tortured, AND has a secret….I just slid outta my chair. It’s okay, the hubs tolerates gets me and has no choice lets me have my little crushes. Hell, I still sleep in a Cullen #17 baseball T-shirt. (that was a Twilight reference for those of you that didn’t read the series) I might have a problem am totally stable.

ANYway, If you’ve never watched this show, do yourself a favor. It’s so well done and just good fun. Immediately following GRIMM is a new show, Dracula. Don’t know much about it, but it had me at Dracula. I hope it’s good, and I hope the vampires are sexy compelling. Do you watch GRIMM? If you were a wesen, what kind would you be? A werewolf like Monroe? An entirely new type of creature? A recognizable creature from a fable?

I’m sure there are other great shows I’m forgetting, but these are the ones premiering right now on local channels that I’m most excited about. Soon, DOWNTOWN ABBEY will be starting back with their season 4  – YAY! And VEEP on HBO is pee in your pants funny!

Tell me your favorite shows! Are there any I absolutely MUST be watching? Thank you for tolerating my thought vomit today!

I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop

Fly’s In The Buttermilk, Do Not Shoo! Fly On The Wall!

WELCOME to a Fly on the Wall group post! Today 14 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes.

Fly on the Wall

Come on in and buzz around my house (SCROLL DOWN), see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

Baking In A Tornado
Just a Little Nutty
Follow me home . . .
Stacy Sews and Schools
The Sadder But Wiser Girl
Menopausal Mother
Moore Organized Mayhem
The Insomniac’s Dream
The Momisodes
Spatulas on Parade
Searching for Sanity
The Rowdy Baker
Writer B is Me
Sorry kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others

*A FLY ON THE WALL – TELIHO STYLE*

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The actual conversation (if it indeed qualifies as such) that occurred this morning on the way to school. Myself and my two boys. To makes things easier (and protect the obnoxious), I’ll use their nicknames, D-man (9yo) and Cheesy (6yo):

D-Man: I HATE school. I can’t believe I have to go back to that awful place. I HATE third grade.

ME: I know it’s tough, buddy, but you can do it. Just hang in there. Things will seem bet–

D-Man: –I talked to this older kid and he said he hated third grade the most. He said it sucked out of all the grades.

ME: What older kid?

Cheesy: Do rabbits have penises?

ME: What? Wait, D, what older kid did you talk to? How old?

D-Man: Thirteen.

ME: Where on Earth are you talking to thirteen year olds?

Cheesy: MOM! Do rabbits have penises?

D-man:  On Xbox. Hey, did I tell you my dream about the robot?

ME: Yes!

D-man: I already told you about my dream?

ME: No. Rabbits have penises.

Cheesy: And balls? *lots of giggles from the back seat*

ME: *sigh* Yes, if they are boys.

D-Man: So this giant robot made of Minecraft brick comes crashing out of the ocean….

Cheesy: Does Milo have balls? (our dog)

ME: Well, uh, he did. I mean, yeah. But he’s neutered. *immediate regret* rewind rewind rewind

D-Man: ….and then he twirls this snowman monster thing over his head….

Cheesy: He’s noonered! What does THAT mean?!

ME: It’s an operation dogs have so they can’t make puppies. please Lord get me out of this

D-Man: …..smashes this grey pile of ash that sprays up and blows the robot’s head off……

Cheesy: I thought only girls made babies?

ME: Cheesy, I can’t do the birds and the bees right now. Let’s tal—

Cheesy: BEES HAVE PENISES TOO?!?!

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I’m home alone about 10AM. Kids are in school. Hubs calls.

ME: Yes? How may I help you?

HIM: Whatareyoudoing?

ME: On the computer. Whatareyoudoing?

HIM: I called to give you a couple reminders.

ME: Great. You know how much I like that.

HIM: I thought you might. I need you to be sure and take the ipad mini back today and see if they can replace it. The boys can’t be playing on it with that crack in the screen.

ME: Uh-huh.

HIM: And it would be great if you returned that hat to the party store before someone ruins it.

ME: Yep. That would be great.

HIM: And while you’re out, you should take your car to that place I told you about and get the oil changed because they’ll also wash it for you and your car is disgusting.

ME: My car is fine.

HIM: Your car is awful, Beth. Are you going to do any of those things?

ME: I will only commit to putting them on my list.

HIM: Your list.

ME: Yup.

HIM: And you’re going to put oil change on your list?

ME: Probably not.

HIM: Why? I don’t understand what the problem is…

ME: You know I hate going to the oil change place. I designated that a man job long ago.

HIM:

ME: I find it very sexy when you do man jobs.

HIM: Reeeealllly. Well, now we’re talkin’. (I can actually hear him smiling)

ME: *eye roll* it’s so damn easy

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It’s past bedtime. The 6yo comes downstairs with what appears to be glitter and a piece of paper and approaches me at the couch. I’m limp with fatigue,  and no longer care if anyone is in jammies or has brushed their teeth. I have deferred to daddy and am attempting to escape reality by engrossing myself in Twitter and Facebook a book on orbital mechanics. Yet here is a child in my face with craft supplies.

6yo: Mommy. Mommy. You know that thing where you put glitter on the paper and shake it off and it makes dots?

ME: Uh-huh.

6yo: Can we do that?

ME: Absolutely not.

6yo: Whhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy?????

ME: What do you mean why? You’re supposed to be in bed, young man. It’s late. And we don’t even have glue.

6yo: Yes we do. *disappears around corner*

He’s out of sight, therefore, officially out of my mind. This is a bad thing, because approximately 11 minutes later, Dad calls from upstairs wondering where the 6yo is. It’s about this time that I realize glitter boy is sweeping the kitchen.

You’re smart people. You know my child spilled glitter everywhere. But what I need to explain to you is this was not ordinary glitter. This was *special* fine-as-powder-fairy-dust glitter that I bought for a specific teacher craft last year, WHICH IS WHY IT WAS HIDDEN UPSTAIRS IN MY OFFICE WHERE HE GOT IT, THE LITTLE BURGLAR. You can’t even tell any is missing from the vial, yet it is every-fricken-where. No, really. You don’t understand. I can’t envision a scenario where this glitter will not be a part of our house for the rest of our lives.

But, let me tell you something. His glitter picture? AWESOME.