That Time A Bear Ruined My Honeymoon

“How do you feel about the eighteenth?” I asked Jim, my fiancé at the time, while trying to plan our trip. I’d never desired a wedding, so we chose to elope and surprise everybody.

“Works for me,” he shrugged.

“Okay cool because Aunt Flo will happen the week before so I think we’d be clear even if I was late, but there’s no way I’d be that early.”

“Whatever you wanna do is fine with me,” he said kissing the top of my head.

“Cool! We have a wedding date!”

Fast forward to August 19th, in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. We had just become husband and wife, and were enjoying our week long honeymoon. We were hiking a trail that ran along the perimeter of Leigh Lake. It was close to sunset. We rounded a corner….and froze.

We’d read all the advisories: “what to do if you come face-to-face with a bear“:

Don’t turn your back to them, it’s too submissive and they will attack.

Don’t look them in the eye, it’s a challenge to them.

Don’t run, you’ll elicit a chase.

Back away slowly so they know you’re not a threat.

But when fear seizes your throat, the fright and flight instinct has a way of moving your muscles for you.

We turned around, immediately breaking the first rule. Shocked. Scared. We began walking away, quickly, but good lord it was such an effort to keep from running. We had no idea if it was following us.

After what seemed like forever and every cuss word in the book uttered under panicked breath, we braved a quick, over-the-shoulder glance.

Whew! The trail was clear, but we didn’t slow our pace. Gripping each other’s arms we continued to fast-walk the hell outa there.

“Wow, that fucker was huge,” I panted. “It was so creepy the way it was just standing in the trees, swaying.”

“Standing? I saw it run across the trail towards the water. Looked like a baby.”

A chill ran up my spine. “Mother of God, there were two! A mother and her baby! Mothers are the most aggressive!”

“Holyshitholyshitholyshit we were just so damn lucky!” he said glancing over his shoulder again.

As soon as we confirmed she wasn’t after us, we started running. In fact we ran like chicken-shits all the way back to the car.

Half an hour later we arrived at our hotel room, still shaken, not able to believe what had just happened. You hear about seeing bears in the wild, but when you actually see one right in front of you, it’s astonishing how terrified and vulnerable you feel.

I went to the restroom to empty my full bladder, relieved I hadn’t peed my pants in the woods, and that’s when I realized something horrific.

The bear sighting had scared me so bad, it awakened Aunt Flo.

 Three weeks early.

On my honeymoon.

That bitch.

Have you ever had a bear encounter, or seen some other large animal in the wild? Or, have you ever had a vacation ruined by something unexpected? I love to hear your stories!

I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop

Bucket List And The Butt Dance

I want to talk about money.

Specifically what I would do with a butt-load of it.

What would I do with a million dollars? I would do frickin’ everything! Including check off my entire bucket list, which would be easy cuz it’s very short. I just started it, don’t judge.

Beth’s Bucket List (in no particular order):

1. Travel overseas. Specifically the U.K., Greece, and Italy.

2. Attend a Winter Hockey Classic game.

3. Live in a tree house. (shut up)

aaaaaand that’s all I have so far.

Now what else would I do with all that cash? Aside from paying for my kids’ college, and helping my parents, and yeah yeah give money to a charity or two (The Painted Turtle and The Elephant Sanctuary)….

I WOULD:

Travel.

Move to Durango, Colorado. Have a kick-ass tree house built for us to live in.

Buy my husband his dream bike, and a bike shop where he could build/fix bikes for the rest of his days.

Hire a personal trainer to make me get my ass in shape. I need accountability, apparently.

Since I gave a butt-load of money to The Elephant Sanctuary, they’d let me live on the grounds a few weeks out of every year and help take care of the elephants. Yippeeeee! This has nothing to do with spending mula. It’s a realization I just had, and  I’m very excited about it.

Work as a writer the rest of my days.

Until I have this money, however, I will tell you what I’m thankful for right now.

1. The WaxVAc. Because the commercial is so damn ridiculous it always makes me laugh. And the concept is so disgusting it’s brillz. Who thought of a tiny earwax vacuum? I want to meet this person.

2. Almond milk ice-cream. Thank god for it or I don’t think I could do this vegan thing.

3. Yoga pants. (see #2)

4. My IRL friends. I have a tight little group, and sometimes I don’t know how I’d exist without them.

5. Kittens. That aren’t mine, but that I can play with for hours and then leave and not deal with a litter box or piss on my bathmat. Because kittens.

6. The butt dance. My sons do this hilarious dance that makes me laugh no matter how irritated I might be.

7. Smut. That’s right. smut. My love for all naughty things, and the fact that my friends are 1) aware of my need for smut, and 2) just as pervy as me. I got a very special text photo from my friend, Mandi. it was so good I had to sit down a minute. Then Leigh sent me a delicious meme on Facebook. Thanks, ladies. Just when I think my Pinterest board is getting old hat, I have my friends supplementing my need for half-naked hotties.

8. HOLY SHIT I MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO TEN THIS TIME! (this counts as one, ya-huh!)

9. Chelsea Handler.

10. Those little dog poop bags. This needs no explanation.

**This was a combined post for FTSF whose prompt was If I had a million dollars, I would… hosted by the amazing Mommy, for Real, Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic, Finding Ninee, and Canigetanotherbottleofwhine

And Ten Things of Thankful, hosted by the incredible A Fly on our (Chicken Coop) Wall, Considerings, Finding Ninee, Getting Literal, Home On Deranged, I can say mama, I Want Backsies, Rewritten,  Thankful Me,  The Wakefield Doctrine    Want to join the fun? You should! Go to any host’s blog and link up! TToT goes live Friday night (I’m early). FTSF is live NOW!

Ten Things of Thankful
Finish the Sentence Friday
What would you do with a million dollars? Do you have a bucket list? I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS!!

Disorderly Conduct in Portland

Secret Subject Swap.

This week 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

Secret Subject Swap

My subject is: pick an entry from the police beat section of a newspaper (print or online) and write the backstory leading up to the actual event. This prompt was submitted to me by Alicia of Moms Don’t Say That. Thanks for the great prompt, girl!

*******

12/4 at 4 p.m. John Chukoda, 32, was arrested on Riverside Street by Officer Charlie Ried on a charge of disorderly conduct.

It’s an arrest that happens thousands of times a day all over the country. But not like this. Because on this day John Chukoda was arrested in Portland, Oregon. This is how it went down:

2:29 p.m. Officer Charlie receives stress call that a male customer in GRASS restaurant on Riverside Street is causing a disturbance. The officer begins to pedal his bike to the scene.

2:34 p.m. Officer Charlie stops to let chickens cross the road. To get to the other side.

2:43 p.m. Officer Charlie arrives at the scene and speaks to the manager of GRASS. Manager explains the suspect has upset his waitperson and surrounding customers by getting increasingly belligerent about the menu options. The suspect seemed distracted by the androgyny of his waitperson, and his/her many tattoos and piercings.

2:50 p.m. Officer Charlie speaks to the man in question. Suspect’s appearance:  bewildered, no visible body adornment, wearing restrictive clothing, clean shaven, clean-cut short hair, and not wearing ear phones with constant stream of Indie music. Obviously a foreigner. The following conversation takes place:

Officer: Not from around here, are you?

John: No, I flew in from Dallas this morning. Sir, can ask why I seem to be in trouble?

Officer: You’ve apparently offended some people with your unruly behavior.

John: Unruly behavior? All I did was ask about the menu! I mean, I understand the sustainable/grain-fed/organic meat, but how is vegan beef even possible?!

Officer:  ****

John:   *****

Officer:  ****

John: EXACTLY!

Officer: There’s no need to shout. Shouting kills birds.

John: And what’s up with the water? Can’t a guy just get a glass of water? Why do I have to get spring-fed-by-lesbian-water-nymphs-oxygenated-vitamin-fortified water? I JUST WANTED WATER!

Officer: Sir, it’s yoga hour. I warned you about shouting. Step outside, please.

John: What? Are you serious? *grabs briefcase* *follows officer outside*

Officer: What’s that awful smell *sniffs air* Is that….is that leather?

John: *holds up briefcase* Of course.

Officer: ACK! *covers nose* *recoils in disgust*

John: Where am I? *gets keys out of pocket* I’m leaving! *points keys at SUV to remotely unlock*

Officer: I suppose that Earth murderer is your rental?

John: *shakes arms in anger* (briefcase pops open, books and a granola bar spill out)

Officer: OH MY BUDDAH.

John: What?!

Officer: Those aren’t even used books. And that granola bar has high fructose corn syrup. That’s IT. You’re under arrest. Come with me to the station, please.

John: For what? I can’t belie –

Officer: Your conduct is unacceptable. Please sit on the back of the bike. Mind your pants don’t get caught in the gears. *GASP* Those pants aren’t even organic cotton, I can smell the pesticide. And they’re…new!?!?

John: Whaaa? Wait…you’re taking me in…on your bike?

Officer: Of course. Will you hold my mandolin? Oh, and on the way we have to stop at the park. My sister’s in an art show benefitting animals without education…..

*******

DO NOT forget to visit the other awesome bloggers and see what they did with their secret subjects!

 Baking In A Tornado

Home on Deranged

Evil Joy Speaks

Writer B is Me

Discovering Me

Confessions of a part-time working mom

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

Moms Don’t Say That

Spinster Snacks

Black Sheep Mom

Spatulas on Parade

Just A Little Nutty

Secret Subject Swap

I’m Aggressively Competitive. But Also Covered In Glitter. So There’s That.

*TToT BECAUSE I’M COMPETITIVE*

Dyanne is tweeting shit already about winning this thing, so now I have to “do stuff” and “make an effort”. GAH. If YOU want your chance to actually WIN something, an actual concrete, tangible gift sent from English England by Lizzi herself, press THIS and enter the contest.

But SUCKIT cuz I’m winning that shiny package!

I knew ALL the answers! maybe.

I never get computer time on the weekends, but everyone is out of the house for like ten minutes so I got lucky! I’ve got to do this quick – like quickie style!

I’m thankful for:

* This week was my Birfday and I’m grateful for my family who goes so far out of their way to make me feel like the most special person in the world. I got coffee in bed, flowers, cake, dinner, hugs, cards, phonecalls, texts, e-cards, emails, and thoughtful gifts. I didn’t even announce it was my birthday in the blogosphere except in one location for a specific reason, but word got out and then I received a ton of SWEET WONDERFUL birthday wishes from my bloggy family too, which absolutely melted my heart and put a cherry on my sundae. I even got this handmade card from Lizzi on Facebook! I couldn’t stop smiling.

lizzis card

* ICE ICE BABY! No, not the rap song. Although I hear Vanilla Ice can re-do a house like a mofo. Real ice! We have cold weather and the kids got a snow day! I know this is usually a terrible thing with the roads being dangerous, travel plans being ruined, power outages and the like. And those things are AWFUL, but I’m talking about the sledding my kids have been doing for two days. They are so damn HAPPY and CUTE all bundled up with rosy cheeks and smiley faces. We are blessed to be in a warm, safe home. I’m so very thankful for that.

*GLITTER! And the English bloggy friends that come with it. I got a beautiful, sparkly card in the mail yesterday, but didn’t see it till this morning. As soon as I eyed some glitter my gut yelled, “Get that over the sink – it’s from LIZZI!!!” Thank goodness I listened as it exploded with bits of confetti stars and glittery goodness! A handmade Lizzi card filled with funny Christmas wishes (that only she and I could understand, of course!) for me and my family.   She.Won. Mail. Forever.

*Keurig coffee makers. Because they also make hot chocolate cups, and this is infinitely easier to make for the increasing number of children that have come in/out of my house since the ice storm hit. I happen to be “that” house on our block. You know, the one where ALL the kids end up, which I adore, but I also need to be ready with snacks and drinks when they come in thirsty and hungry! It takes forever to heat up four + hot chocolates (with marshmallows of course) in the microwave! Thank you Keurig for making my life so much easier!

*Birthday money. Cuz momma needed new running shoes. Cuz life is full of 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances, which I’m also thankful for (hey, this one counts as two!) And maybe I will need those runnin’ shoes soon. *Chants: I will get outta this funk, I will get outta this funk*

*Wine

*Wine

*Wine (shut up. I’m really thankful for wine)

*Movies and Books. Because I love to escape. I love stories. Did I ever tell you all that I thought of that as a name for a kid – “Story”? I remember telling my husband I thought it would be the coolest name, maybe for a girl. I was afraid it was too feminine to be a boy’s name. THEN, Jenna Elfman (Dharma of Dharma and Greg) named her son Story like 2 years later! I know! I’m so money and I don’t even know it!

That’s it peeps! If you wanna be part of THE MOST supportive and fun blog community, RUN to link up with Ten Thing of Thankful!! RIGHT HERE. You will never, ever regret it!

Ten Things of Thankful

The Truth Will Set Me Free!

*LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE*

It’s time to announce the lie that would burst my pants into flames!

As a  reminder, here were your choices:

1. I once won $1,000 with a scratch off lottery ticket
2. I’ve been sky diving
3. I was expelled from high school my senior year
4. I graduated college cum laude
5. I smoked my first cigarette at the age of eight
6. I once had my tongue pierced

A Summary Of Your Guesses

Only one person thought the lie was that I graduated college with honors. The most guesses goes to the lie being me expelled from high school. Thanks for the votes of confidence! The second highest number of guesses went to the lie being me sky diving. Do I look chicken to you people? The remaining three were literally tied with four guesses each for the lie being me winning the money, smoking a cig at eight, or my tongue being pierced.

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AND NOW FOR THE TRUTH

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DRUMROLL PLEASE

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For those of you who thought me winning the money was a lie…. WRONG. I did actually win a $1000 on a measly little scratch off! For as long as I can remember, my dad has put lottery tickets in our birthday and Christmas cards. One Christmas I scratched mine off and YOWZA! Talk about surprised! We had to drive to some office and get the money because it was too much for the little mart where he’d bought them to pay out. After taxes I still got around $900. I gave my brother $100 cuz I’m kick-ass. I tried to give my dad some but he wouldn’t take it, although he let me buy him dinner with some coaxing. But my brother took the cash. He’s no dummy.

For those of you who thought me having my tongue pierced was the lie…NOPE. When I was about 24 years old I went (during the day, sober) and got my tongue pierced. At that time (this was…ahem…quite some time ago) this was not as prevalent a piercing for women as it was for men, and certainly not with anyone I knew so I shocked some people for sure. I waitressed at the time so it was a conversation starter to say the least! I wore it for several years. In fact, I had it when I met Jim! I honestly can’t remember what made me finally take it out. I guess I got tired of it.

For the one person (elleroy!) who hoped the lie was that I graduated cum laude (her logic being the truth was I actually graduated magna cum laude…sneaky!), this one was actually TRUE. It didn’t come easy, and I believe it was the result of my major being something I truly loved, but I actually did manage honors in Environmental Science. Proof that no matter how effed-up someone is when they’re a kid…there’s always hope. Woop!

Alyson…I’m sorry in advance…but the one about me smoking a cigarette at eight years old? Totally FACTUAL. I know. Awful. Both my parents smoked. My brother and I were left alone a lot. These were the latch-key days. We were little hoodlums. What will the mice do when the cat’s away? Smoke their parents’ cigarettes, that’s what. And this was when my parents were still together. After the divorce, we were really alone a lot. That’s when the trouble doubled….

Which brings me to the one about being expelled my senior year of high school. YEP. Totally true. I was expelled because I never came back after my out-of-school suspension, which I received for never completing several back-to-back in-school suspensions, which I received for skipping class. Incidentally, Jim and I went to the same HS and I remember him from suspension our junior year! (I was a frequent flyer) We were soul-troublemaker-mates! ANYway, I obviously was going through some tough times at home and otherwise. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?

*sidenote: That summer I got a job, borrowed a little money from my grandma and got some sweet wheels (Sweet is relative. It was a used VW Rabbit), enrolled in an alternative school, and worked my ass off to graduate only three months after my friends. LIKE A BOSS.

So that leaves only one thing! The BIG FAT HAIRY LIE! I have never, ever been sky diving! This was second highest in guesses so kudos to you all! I have no desire to sky dive; however, I would choose it over bungee jumping every single time. WILL NOT bungee. No way. Could vomit just thinking about it. I can actually see the appeal in sky diving. I don’t think I’ll ever do it, but I’d also never say never. Except about bungee jumping. Never.

Thanks for playing along everyone! I hope that was as much fun for you as it was for me! #ThatsWhatSheSaidLastNight #Sorry #HadTo

Are any of these your truths? Do you have things in your life that are stranger than fiction? Have you ever had to tell a white lie that snowballed into a big one? I heart your comments BIG!

Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!

Truth is stranger than fiction!

I’d call it stealing if I hadn’t received permission, but would’ve done it regardless because it’s brilliant and ridiculous fun! In honor of Aussa over at Hacker, Ninja, Hooker, Spy, I bring you my own truth/lie post:

Five of the following facts about me are the truth. One is NOT. Can you guess which one is the lie? (Friends of mine who read my blog….no cheating!)

1. I once won $1,000 with a scratch off lottery ticket.
money photo: MONEY MONEY.gif

2. I’ve been sky diving.

skydiving photo: Skydive 509414141eaa4_skydive01_zpsc1a2060f.jpg

Like this. But with screaming and vomit

3. I was expelled from High School my Senior year.

strippers photo: StrippersCluba1 StrippersCluba1.jpg

I was probably headed here

4. I graduated college Cum Laude.

congratulations graduate photo: Graduate CongratsGraduationMan.jpg

Turns out I DO have a brain!

5. I had my first cigarette at the age of eight.

little-girl-isolated-white-18656265

got a light?

6. I once had my tongue pierced

piercing photo: Tongue tumblr_mk4ihsTdtJ1s4wv7po1_500_zps93238975.jpg

cuz I always make awesome decisions

That’s it, folks! Can you guess the fib? Do you have any truths that are stranger than fiction? Can’t wait to hear your guesses!

Screw You, Tommy. Screw. You.

Most of you are probably familiar with the Christmas Elf. You’ve seen him in all the stores as soon as the holidays officially arrived. You know, a week before Halloween. I admit, I didn’t know much about him until last year when my boys started reporting other kids in our neighborhood had elves and I began hearing, “Why don’t we have one, Mom?”

So I told them to wish for one, real hard, and wouldn’t ya know it, the tiny little guy showed up in our house. And by showed up, I mean I went to Target and paid $30 for the “kit” so my boys could have even more joy and wonder over the holidays.

Each child names his own elf. The boys named ours Tommy.

tommy

Did his eyes just follow me?

There’s definitely parent benefit to this deal. The elf’s job is to watch kids and report back to Santa. Talk about bribery. I can’t count how many times I’ve said, “You’d better watch your behavior, the elf is watching!” And it works. It really works. But at the same time, it sort of pisses me off that they’re being good for the damn elf and not just cuz they’re supposed to be…but oh well, tis the season of trying to get on that coveted nice list.

It was kind of sweet, too. In case you’re not familiar, the elf moves every night. Each morning when the boys awoke, their first thought was to find the elf, and to hear their squeals of delight did provide me with a smile. At first. But thirty days of remembering to do this (and I didn’t always remember) can beat even the most enthusiastic parent down.

The boys would report to me what their friend’s elves were doing: “Tyler’s elf brings him presents”; “Olivia’s elf writes her notes”; “Caden’s elf has special clothes.”

Oh, so we’re upping the ante are we? I hear you loud and clear, Tommy.

Loud. And. Clear.

I not only had to remember to move him each night, but had to answer endless questions in tiny, swirly elf writing about his age, his life back “home”, and Santa, with little candies and gifts accompanying the return notes. Worse, the marketing dynamos behind this ruse had come up with little outfits you could buy to dress the elves in scarves and booties. Cuz why wouldn’t a stuffed doll be cold?

Tommy was starting to cause me some serious anxiety. In affect, this little elf had me by the round ‘n fuzzies.

note2

I was being tugged in two directions: the innocent exuberance in which the boys loved and interacted with the elf was truly precious. On the other hand, I felt resentful towards the whole expectation behind it, and I was getting competitive with other elves.

At war with an elf. Who wasn’t alive. In fact, I’m the friggin’ elf. My god….I gave him the finger when I walked by…..something’s so wrong with me…..

I made it through last year, but I have to say I was thrilled when it was time to pack that little effer away.

This past Sunday we were unpacking all the Christmas décor, and my 6yo found Tommy inside a Santa hat. I could’ve sworn I deliberately put him in a box in our closet to avoid this very scenario.

I was immediately hit with a barrage of questions:
“How could Tommy be in our Christmas stuff?”
“I thought he was supposed to come from the North Pole?”
“Why didn’t he bring us presents?”
“Is this a different one?”
“Is Tommy dead?”

Well played, Tommy. Well played. I have two words for your tiny elf ears:

GAME. ON.

Have you ever waged war with an inanimate object? Is there a holiday tradition you’re not crazy about? Do you have one of these elves? If so, how do you feel about it? I heart your comments BIG!

That’s What She Said Last Night

HAPPY 25th ANNIVERSARY TToT!

I’m pretty sure Lizzi hinted something to the effect of naked people and a cake?! Well, that’s what I heard so that’s what I’m goin’ with. I had better see some nudity, preferably in the form of a hot man. I call licking the spoon!

Ten Things of Thankful

Uhhh, I see cupcakes, but no hottie. WTF? I guess I have to take matters into my own hands, AS USUAL. Please take the time to peruse the at least 15 extra special cakey new additions to my *special* Pinterest board. It was tough research, but I think you’ll appreciate the outcome. Enjoy. I know Lizzi will.

ANYway, I have plenty to be thankful for, but am also a bit panicked because as I’m typing it’ll be just *looks at watch* four hours before my two boys will be home from school for the next nine days. NINE DAYS. This is something to be grateful for. Probably. And I am. A little. But part of me is also squinching (that’s a word, autocorrect!) because of all the writing still on my plate that I’m clearly not going to finish this month as I’d hoped. I sort of forgot about that whole nine days I’m home with the kids right after five days with my family. So I’m taking the pressure off myself *lifts off and throws*. I’ll finish when I finish. *sticks tongue out at no one in particular*

Now on to some fun stuff, you know, since I have no more pressure on me. Yippeeee!

I’m thankful the pressure to finish all my editing this month is gone. Thank you, Beth! Oh, no problem! You’re so welcome! You’re the best! No, you are. No YOU are. Stop! You stop!

I’m thankful for birthdays, namely my good friend, Kathy’s, because she always chooses our favorite Ethiopian restaurant, Queen of Sheba, to have her birthday meal, and it’s always the best day ever. The aromas…the tastes….the whole experience is transcendent. Happy Birthday, Kathy! I had SO much fun. See you in a few weeks for mine. Guess where we’re goin? My mouth is watering already. yebeg

I’m thankful that my almost-fiancé-sextape-partner Adam Levine was chosen sexiest man alive by People magazine! Wooop! Good job, sugar-buns! Way to work it!

adam levine photo: adam-levine- adam-levine--1.jpg

….and thankful/tickled that people went out of their way to text and call me, alerting me of the above news. The fact that others associate me with him is the most fun thing EVAH. My work is done. Now if I can just get him to do it….*taps finger on chin deviously*

I’m am infinitely thankful for maid services. I don’t use them on a regular basis, but every so often I have a full cleaning done…and ermergahrd…I have two boys who keep me picking up after them constantly….to come home to this e-n-t-I-r-e house immaculate….all at once…I have three words for you: better than sex.

I’m so very grateful for Movember, because beards. BEARDS. Facial hair is sexy as hell. Doesn’t have to be full beards, in fact, I prefer goatees, scruff, shadows…ohemgee…hot. This is my favorite time of year. The hubs is looking scrumptious.

I’m grateful for the weather, and this will count for two thankfuls:

a) for bringing cold weather so I can live in beanie hats for the next three months.

b) for bringing “fronts” and “pressure systems” and “drama weather” so I can finally win the weatherman argument with my husband! Our one biggest, never ending disagreement is over meteorology. He thinks weatherman are as full of shit as palm readers (hey – I love me a palm reader!) and I happen to respect the profession. I mean, it’s based on science, people. SCIENCE. I digress…

weather-reporter-21902681

Watching the weather at our house is down right comical because I staunchly defend them while he’s busting out an exaggerated forecaster impersonation, which is actually funny so I try desperately not to laugh. Jim knows, he KNOWS, they are right more often than not, he just won’t admit it. This Winter I’m making a graph…I’ll show him….muwahahah. Last night they predicted a strong front bringing cold and rain. IT HAPPENED.

Weatherman – 1, Jim – bigfatzero.   SUCKIT

I’m thankful for last minute babysitters! We’re going to the movies – WOOP! I think we’re seeing…..oh, who am I kidding. I don’t even know. I’m in it for the popcorn….

pop

Yes. That’s a stein of wine.

(We saw “The Armstrong Lie”. It was pretty interesting. But I drank a freakin’ gallon of wine. The Smurfs would’ve been interesting.)

And that’s ten! No no no, don’t go back and count….it’s ten. Shhh. shhhh *pets your hair* Now go on to comments and tell me what you’re thankful for, or join up with the TToT group yourself! Do you trust weatherman? Come on, pick a side! Are you on Team Beth or Team Loser Jim? I heart your comments BIG!

Katie, Bar The Door!

I’ve been off the grid for four days with NO Wifi or TV!

DA FUH? Who does that? Thank Jesus and all things holy for 4g or I would have gone rat shit crazy on some people. I was able to do some things with my iphone, but was way more disconnected than I’m comfortable with – in other words – I missed you!

Now I’m back and BUSTING. I’m about to unleash everything that’s been pent up in my head for the past five days, hence the title of this post. Enjoy.

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Literally while on the road I find out via twitter that Inion N. Mathair are spotlighting me on their blog this week! I was gobsmacked (been waiting to use that word)! They are an infinitely talented mother/daughter writing duo who’ve been a HUGE support to me since the very beginning, and who’ve taught me what it means to be a supportive blogger. Please do yourself a favor and explore their wonderful blog, and even better, their books! Nightwalkers: The Secret of Jessup.
From the Dark and Twisted Mind of Inion N. Mathair.
The Perfect 7.

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Both boys were late to school a week or so ago because my 6yo had a last minute outfit dilemma (HAD to wear his red converse which had no laces). Each day when they get home I have to sign their binders which have detailed entries from their school day. That afternoon, this is what I found in my 9yo’s binder when I went to sign it:

tarty dangit

makin’ the family proud

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Remember two weeks ago when I went to the art reception and the hubs got me the awesome necklace, but it had to be shipped to me? Here it is. I love its simplicity. It’s a greyish green. Falls just under my collarbone.

birthday necklace

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MY TRIP!

Okay, so this was the annual girls trip I do with my mom and three aunts. Last year was in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. This year we stayed somewhat local and visited Ingram, Texas (just outside of Fredericksburg for those of you familiar with the area). The leaves are just starting to change here so it was beautiful. I always forget how pretty the Hill Country is with all the picturesque small towns, dreamy rivers, and enormous trees that stop me in my tracks and take my breath away. And you know, you KNOW, there were so many laughs. It got down-right crazy more than a few times. There are only three of us who drink, and managed to cash five bottles of wine over the weekend.

*A selection of photos for your viewing pleasure*

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Replica of Stonehenge

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My climbing tree

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In the branches

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view from up here

SO, I got talked into (bullied) being the test kayak to go down a very narrow (choked with roots and branches) neck of the lake (stagnant water shit hole) to see if it connected to an adjacent fishing pond. It didn’t. On the way to discovering the dead end, I managed to knock the low lying, dead branches onto myself and my kayak, along with about five hundred (okay a dozen) spiders. The area was so narrow I couldn’t turn my kayak around so I had to stand up and turn around to row the other way back out, subsequently knocking more branches – and spiders – onto my kayak, my shirt, and my hair. During this, two of my aunts were hanging back in another boat saying things like, “You’re doing great!” and “You’re so good at this!”

Whatever.

I wasn’t freaking out about the spiders. Much. I mean, I was squealing and stuff, but that’s all. UNTIL….I glanced over and there’s this freakin’ huge one right next to me coming straight for my shirt – then I just knew they were all over me and I did some sort of Bugs Bunny – Cirque de Solei freak out that I’ll never be able to repeat or explain, and like a cat I flew straight outta my seat and ended up on the end of the kayak balancing on my fingers and toes, but somehow, someway, stayed in the boat. My aunts rowed over and started killing spiders until I felt sure there were none left. I then collected my oar that I’d hurled into the water during my  acrobatic maneuver, brushed myself off, and gracefully rowed back to shore as if nothing happened. I’m resilient like that, however, I’ve officially retired as guinea pig.

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pre-spider invasion

MY amazing family managed to organize and cook the most incredible Thanksgiving meal in our condo. We celebrated early so we wouldn’t have to all travel twice this month to be together. As usual, they give me jobs like: bring wine. This is wise because I clearly don’t have the skills to pull off what they did. In case you’re wondering, the effins were perfect.

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WE went to Fredericksburg’s trade days on Saturday, and while very eclectic and fun, my favorite find was a particular booth that gave me an endless source of amusement while terrorizing friends via text and twitter:

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Does my hair look okay?

IF you’ve ever read my comment section after a post about my family, you’ve seen what’s lacking (comments from them!) and put it together that they don’t read my blog. That’s because they don’t know about it. I’ve often been tempted to tell them. I think they’d be mildly horrified, but mostly tickled and proud. I’ll share an enormous secret with you: They don’t even know I write.

Oh, they know I do Nanowrimo, but that’s because it was introduced to me by one of my cousins, so we talk about it amongst family. But they don’t know I belong to writing groups, or have a blog, or have written a novel for Pete’s sake! I’m one of those people who’s pretty private (I know, seems ironic given the blog) and am more comfortable doing something behind the scenes (in case I fail) and then announcing it when I’ve succeeded.

I need autonomy first.

I’m the only granddaughter/niece in the family, so I look to them, study them as women, and often wonder who I take after most. Each of them artistic, strong, giving, talented, smart, organized, unorganized, funny as shit, dynamic, amazing women. This weekend I realized for the first time something that made me very proud. I’m not like one of them. I’m like all of them.

But there’s this one facet of my being that’s unique to me. This enormous, yet fragile writer part. I envision publishing one day and surprising them, letting them into this sliver of my world. Someday it will make sense to them why I’m always staring off into space. Or why I’m so busy doing….what? What the hell does she do in her free time?

Someday they’ll know I’m a writer.

And then I’ll know it too.

Do you keep your blog secret from anyone? Do you think you’re most like one person in particular in your family, or a mixture? I love your comments!

Well Smack My Ass And Call Me Wanda!

I’ve been awarded not one

– but two –

Liebster Awards!

Liebster_Award

A few weeks ago, my infinitely talented writer friend, J.C. Wolfe of The Wolfe’s Den, nominated me for this award. I’ve been quietly behind the scenes, working on the questions, compiling a list of nominees, when out of the clear blue sky, the amazingly talented wonder-blogger/runner Lizzi of Considerings was drunk generous enough to bestow me another! I’m genuinely blown away with gratitude and excitement! Thank you, ladies!

If you don’t know, Liebster is a German word meaning “sweetie” or “darling”, and this award is generally passed to younger blogs to let them know they’re doing a great job and encourage them to keep going.

I could accept these awards with two different posts, but that would be a shit ton of  arbitrary Beth facts which would probably bore everyone to death – so in the interest of efficiency, I’ll combine them into one….

SUPERNOVA AWESOME ACCEPTANCE POST LIKE A MOFO!!

Random shizzle about moi:

*One of the jobs my mom had during my youth was interpreting for the deaf for a local theater center for several years. Consequently, I knew sign language by the age of 11, and had two best friends who were completely deaf. I don’t remember all of it now, but could tell you you’re cute, and I’d like a hot dog, please.
*I worked for two Dallas area Improvs for over six years. It was an amazing experience…and I have a lot of stories.
*I’m lactose intolerant. But I eat ice cream anyway. The consequences are worth it. For me. Others might disagree.
*My favorite music genre is the Blues.
*My favorite show right now is The Voice, and not just because my almost-fiancé-sextape-partner is a judge. #teamadam
*I didn’t have a wedding. Never wanted one. We eloped in total secret. Our parents didn’t even know. Got hitched in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It. Was. Perfection.
* The TV has to be on for me to fall asleep. 
*I’ve had a running fish tank in my house since July with exactly zero fish in it because that’s how we get stuff done around here. Wanna put money on how long it stays empty?
*I’m a painter.
*I grind my teeth in my sleep so bad I have to wear a night guard. Yeah. Sexy.
*Growing up, I was a total tom-boy. I climbed trees, explored, made forts, got into mischief, played sports with my brother, cared for imaginary animals, snuck on the roof, read every book I could get my hands on, but never, ever played with dolls.

Okay, question answering time! Since J.C. and Lizzi had several in common, I condensed this list to 8 total. Still with me? Here’s a reward for your patience.

sexy guy photo: sexy guy sexy_chest.jpg

1. Which book do you keep coming back to? Diana Gabaldon’s The Outlander series. It’s never ending, so I can come back to it the rest of my life. But it’s SO DAMN GOOD.

2. What are your favorite genres to read and write in? I love mystery, paranormal, and fantasy. I seek those in particular because I love to have my breath taken away, and I adore being taken to the brink of what I think could be possible, and then yanked right over.

3. Did you ever have a crazy dream job as a kid? From probably the age of 8 or 9 until…hmmm…I dunno, until I was told it was a silly and nobody makes it (combined with my seething insecurity), I wanted to be an actress. I was in drama in high school and did plays. It. Was. Awesome.

4. With which character(s) in all the books you’ve read can you most identify? The one that gets bitten/scratched/taken by a vampire/werewolf/monster and finds she prefers the alternate world and loves the “monster”.

5. What animal would you consider your animal spirit and why? Elephant. Elephant. Elephant. I don’t know why. I’ve known forever. They just are.

6. What was your favorite subject in school? Science. Hands down. My degree is in Environmental Science with an emphasis in Global Climate Change. I loved every single class, even physics. I miss it, but I will say I use science a lot in my writing. It echoes in everything I do.

7. What advice would you like to give the ‘you’ of ten years ago? a) I would tell that decade younger Beth to lower her expectations on herself about 1,000 notches and take a chill pill. b) start therapy now, don’t wait another eight years. c) the second they tell you your infant son has a “sucking problem” and you need to pump all your milk – switch to formula. Don’t put yourself through hell because of pressure to breast feed. F#ck everybody else.

8. What was your last ‘kairos moment’? <<That was a powerful post, first of all. I love Momastery. My last Kairos moment would have to be this past Veterans Day. Jim had off and we took the boys to Top Golf (which is the coolest place ever, btw). The four of us had such a b-l-a-s-t! I mean, you sit on couches, and take turns hitting golf balls while they bring you beer and queso. What’s not to love? Anyway, I adored watching the boys have so much fun. I was totally present, and overwhelmingly happy and grateful at that moment.

And now the sparkly beautiful part! I get to nominate other bloggers! Yipee!

**I don’t know a ton of blogs who are young, have under 200 followers, and have not received this award already, so 5 or so follow that rule, but otherwise it’s a Liebster orgy of blogs I LOVE and just want to put on this list. Nominees, if you want to ignore this award, go right ahead.

1. Mike of Past my curfew. *Go to his blog right away! He’s having a giveaway contest right now through the 21st! Enter for your chance to win one of two $100 Amazon gift cards!  You’ll love his blog, especially his golden retriever, Phoenix.

2. Katie of KCross Writing I love this girl. She’s also working on a novel, so we have a lot in common. She’s awesomesauce.

3. Damnit Lizzi I was totally going to nominate Mike, too! GRRRR. You know what? Screw it. I’m doing it anyway. If I can handle two at once, so can he. Mike of Joe Floggers. You know what I love about Mike? He’s a tiny bit of a genius. He came up with “Ask Joe”, where women can ask him ANY question they’d like to have answered from a man’s perspective and he’ll answer it in his Friday post. Go to his blog and submit a question! I did!

3. Audrey of Falling for me. Brand new blog and she’s rockin’ it with honest stories that leave you wanting more. Check her out!

4. Aussa of Hacker, Ninja, Hooker, Spy. I know she’s been nominated for a lot of awards lately, but I don’t give a rat’s patooka. I love reading her crazy-ass stories and everyone needs to know about her.

5. Jennifer Zeiger. I dig her choose-your-ending adventure stories. I’ve yet to see another blog like hers! So fun.

6. Karen of Baking in a Tornado. Cuz she’s freakin’ brilliant, and supportive, and awesome. I heart her big time.

7. Kelly of What now? Adore her to pieces. She has the best stories ever.

8. Christine of A Fly on our (Chicken Coop) Wall. Oh, Christine. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways….

9. Joy of Comfy Town Chronicles. Cuz her blog tagline is “weird kids, day drinking, cussing, binge eating, and other things I won’t go to meetings for.” I mean, are we twins separated at birth or what?

10.Dyanne of I want backsies. She has kittttieeeees. I like kitties. But aside from that, she’s the BOMB, and funny, and a great blogger.

11. Sandy of Mother of Imperfection. I know you might have to blow me off since Lizzi snagged you, too, but I love you so much I had to write your name down!

If you choose to participate, here are your questions, lovelies:

1. Have you ever seen a ghost?

2. If you had to be one, would you be a vampire or a werewolf? Why?

3. If you could play a professional sport, which would it be?

4. Switch lives with an actor/ess for a week. Who do you choose?

5. Do you have any tattoos?

6. Tell me something embarrassing.

7. What’s the craziest thing (in your opinion) you’ve ever done?

8. Have you ever met a celebrity? Who?

last 3 combined: you go to the movies – do you get a) coke, or b) pepsi, a) popcorn, or b) no popcorn, to see a) chic flic b) action/adventure c) horror movie?

Award Liebster