The most unexpected part of being a grownup is….
Things like this still happen to me:
After all these years, I’m still the dingy blonde I was in my youth. Naively positive. Mostly oblivious. Probably shouldn’t be allowed to drive a motorized vehicle. But I’m entertaining, so there’s that. *sigh* (more…)
Press here if you like hot, sinewy, half naked men.
Press here if you like sexy chickadees. (this is a new, ever-evolving board. I’ll happily take direction/suggestions on who to have on it, guys!)
Back yet? Good. I’m glad I have your attention because this post is chock-full. I’m not stopping at ten. Hang onto your seats… (more…)
It was 1996. I was managing the Improv Comedy Club. It was a scorching hot summer. Relentless. The kind of heat that sears your throat when you breathe.
Welcome to Texas.
Our comic that week was Rodney Carrington. The staff loved when he came to town. He was funny as hell, but also a genuinely nice guy who always treated the staff with respect. That wasn’t always the case with comics. Sometimes they acted like entitled shits. Sometimes they were alcoholic losers. Sometimes they were trippin’ on something the entire week.
But not Rodney. He was the real deal. (more…)
*the views expressed in the beginning of this post are not necessarily the views of the blog owner. In fact, the blog owner is a little pissed about it, but HAD to let this part be written. Or Else. Capeesh?
You ever have one of those days where you just wake up feeling like a failure…at everything?
Consistently exercising – FAIL
Being a good daughter – FAIL
Being a good enough Mom – FAIL
Being a good enough wife – FAIL
Being a good enough friend – FAIL
Being a writer – FAIL
Being a good blogger – FAIL
Flossing enough – FAIL (okay, I’m being funny here, but it’s TRUE)
CONSISTENT IN ANYTHING – FAIL
Actually, I’m pretty damn consistent in failing, which would be a win if it wasn’t FAILING.
I’ve got the blues.
FAIL
Thank you for your time, I’m done now.
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OKAY BETH IS BACK. Thanks for indulging Negative Nelly. She has to be let out from time to time. I mean, she’s part of me so I’m forced to acknowledge her feelings. Probably. Whatever.
BUT
I’m gonna to turn that frown upside down
Welcome to the:
*Scraping myself up off the floor edition of TToT*
I hurt my back again. I’m not sure what I did, but I’m grateful. This back pain reminds me that I’m not being active enough. My muscles are no longer strong. It’s been a wake up call.
This happened over the weekend to our kitchen floor:
We’re assuming it’s foundation problems, although we won’t know anything for sure until we have it looked at by professionals. We were pretty freaked, but then reminded ourselves: Our kids are healthy, and we are still IN our home and have our keepsakes and possessions, unlike tornado or flood victims. If all we have to worry about is how this might inconvenience us or what it might cost us, we don’t have problems.
It’s been over a month since I quit my daily migraine medication. NO MIGRAINES!! Well, there was that one six days in, but I’m not even counting that. I can stay off my meds! YIPPEEE!
Veganism has taught me to love cooking again. In the past I was not inspired to cook. Handling raw meat grosses me out (well, there’s some meat handling I enjoy…wink, wink), not to mention that most meat-meals are not my favorite. But now I’m loving exploring new spices and new recipes. I find myself skimming cookbooks, dog-earing new ones to try, and sometimes even cooking just for fun and freezing it for another day! WHAT? I know!
I’m thankful for a warm day amidst a cold winter. The better part of this past week was FAHreezing, but this weekend was really nice. I walked the dog today and let the sun warm my shoulders. It was sort of magical.
I’ve learned some things about myself recently, which is good, because if you don’t realize your flaws they continue to be flaws. I’m a perfectionist who gets discouraged very easily. I hold my own standards (no one else’s) impossibly high, and then crash with disappointment when I don’t meet them, inevitably giving up, or not trying to begin with. I have beliefs about myself that are wrong, and they continue to road-block me from success because I believe them. I am terrible about comparing myself to others in every aspect imaginable, and then beating myself up for not being good enough.
If you have a day/week/month where you are at the bottom of the bottom…you only have up to go. Failures are there to learn from and improve upon. Negative beliefs are there to disprove. Flaws are there to make us human, empathetic, and dynamic. Bad things make us appreciate the good.
I’m grateful even when I’m blue, because at least I’m here, feeling things. I have the luxury of getting back up, dusting myself off, learning from it, and moving on.
And plus, how can I be sad when Downtown Abby comes on tonight??? RIGHT!?
Things are looking up.
Do you ever get the blues? Do you ever feel like a giant failure in life? Do you compare yourself to others to your own detriment? Please tell me this doesn’t just happen to me!
What do tofu and dildos have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
WHAT.
Okay, sorry. That was terrible. But I had to get the naughty out of my system – I’m over at Past My Curfew today because Mike was drunk generous enough invite me over to play. I wanted to behave myself over there at his awesome blog. I think I did. Maybe.
You be the judge.
Do it. There’s another joke and everything. Go here.
“How do you feel about the eighteenth?” I asked Jim, my fiancé at the time, while trying to plan our trip. I’d never desired a wedding, so we chose to elope and surprise everybody.
“Works for me,” he shrugged.
“Okay cool because Aunt Flo will happen the week before so I think we’d be clear even if I was late, but there’s no way I’d be that early.”
“Whatever you wanna do is fine with me,” he said kissing the top of my head.
“Cool! We have a wedding date!”
Fast forward to August 19th, in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. We had just become husband and wife, and were enjoying our week long honeymoon. We were hiking a trail that ran along the perimeter of Leigh Lake. It was close to sunset. We rounded a corner….and froze.
We’d read all the advisories: “what to do if you come face-to-face with a bear“:
Don’t turn your back to them, it’s too submissive and they will attack.
Don’t look them in the eye, it’s a challenge to them.
Don’t run, you’ll elicit a chase.
Back away slowly so they know you’re not a threat.
But when fear seizes your throat, the fright and flight instinct has a way of moving your muscles for you.
We turned around, immediately breaking the first rule. Shocked. Scared. We began walking away, quickly, but good lord it was such an effort to keep from running. We had no idea if it was following us.
After what seemed like forever and every cuss word in the book uttered under panicked breath, we braved a quick, over-the-shoulder glance.
Whew! The trail was clear, but we didn’t slow our pace. Gripping each other’s arms we continued to fast-walk the hell outa there.
“Wow, that fucker was huge,” I panted. “It was so creepy the way it was just standing in the trees, swaying.”
“Standing? I saw it run across the trail towards the water. Looked like a baby.”
A chill ran up my spine. “Mother of God, there were two! A mother and her baby! Mothers are the most aggressive!”
“Holyshitholyshitholyshit we were just so damn lucky!” he said glancing over his shoulder again.
As soon as we confirmed she wasn’t after us, we started running. In fact we ran like chicken-shits all the way back to the car.
Half an hour later we arrived at our hotel room, still shaken, not able to believe what had just happened. You hear about seeing bears in the wild, but when you actually see one right in front of you, it’s astonishing how terrified and vulnerable you feel.
I went to the restroom to empty my full bladder, relieved I hadn’t peed my pants in the woods, and that’s when I realized something horrific.
The bear sighting had scared me so bad, it awakened Aunt Flo.
Three weeks early.
On my honeymoon.
That bitch.
Have you ever had a bear encounter, or seen some other large animal in the wild? Or, have you ever had a vacation ruined by something unexpected? I love to hear your stories!
What would I do with a million dollars? I would do frickin’ everything! Including check off my entire bucket list, which would be easy cuz it’s very short. I just started it, don’t judge.
Beth’s Bucket List (in no particular order):
1. Travel overseas. Specifically the U.K., Greece, and Italy.
2. Attend a Winter Hockey Classic game.
3. Live in a tree house. (shut up)
aaaaaand that’s all I have so far.
Now what else would I do with all that cash? Aside from paying for my kids’ college, and helping my parents, and yeah yeah give money to a charity or two (The Painted Turtle and The Elephant Sanctuary)….
I WOULD:
Travel.
Move to Durango, Colorado. Have a kick-ass tree house built for us to live in.
Buy my husband his dream bike, and a bike shop where he could build/fix bikes for the rest of his days.
Hire a personal trainer to make me get my ass in shape. I need accountability, apparently.
Since I gave a butt-load of money to The Elephant Sanctuary, they’d let me live on the grounds a few weeks out of every year and help take care of the elephants. Yippeeeee! This has nothing to do with spending mula. It’s a realization I just had, and I’m very excited about it.
Work as a writer the rest of my days.
1. The WaxVAc. Because the commercial is so damn ridiculous it always makes me laugh. And the concept is so disgusting it’s brillz. Who thought of a tiny earwax vacuum? I want to meet this person.
2. Almond milk ice-cream. Thank god for it or I don’t think I could do this vegan thing.
3. Yoga pants. (see #2)
4. My IRL friends. I have a tight little group, and sometimes I don’t know how I’d exist without them.
5. Kittens. That aren’t mine, but that I can play with for hours and then leave and not deal with a litter box or piss on my bathmat. Because kittens.
6. The butt dance. My sons do this hilarious dance that makes me laugh no matter how irritated I might be.
7. Smut. That’s right. smut. My love for all naughty things, and the fact that my friends are 1) aware of my need for smut, and 2) just as pervy as me. I got a very special text photo from my friend, Mandi. it was so good I had to sit down a minute. Then Leigh sent me a delicious meme on Facebook. Thanks, ladies. Just when I think my Pinterest board is getting old hat, I have my friends supplementing my need for half-naked hotties.
8. HOLY SHIT I MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO TEN THIS TIME! (this counts as one, ya-huh!)
9. Chelsea Handler.
10. Those little dog poop bags. This needs no explanation.
**This was a combined post for FTSF whose prompt was If I had a million dollars, I would… hosted by the amazing Mommy, for Real, Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic, Finding Ninee, and Canigetanotherbottleofwhine
And Ten Things of Thankful, hosted by the incredible A Fly on our (Chicken Coop) Wall, Considerings, Finding Ninee, Getting Literal, Home On Deranged, I can say mama, I Want Backsies, Rewritten, Thankful Me, The Wakefield Doctrine Want to join the fun? You should! Go to any host’s blog and link up! TToT goes live Friday night (I’m early). FTSF is live NOW!
Dyanne is tweeting shit already about winning this thing, so now I have to “do stuff” and “make an effort”. GAH. If YOU want your chance to actually WIN something, an actual concrete, tangible gift sent from English England by Lizzi herself, press THIS and enter the contest.
But SUCKIT cuz I’m winning that shiny package!
I knew ALL the answers! maybe.
I never get computer time on the weekends, but everyone is out of the house for like ten minutes so I got lucky! I’ve got to do this quick – like quickie style!
I’m thankful for:
* This week was my Birfday and I’m grateful for my family who goes so far out of their way to make me feel like the most special person in the world. I got coffee in bed, flowers, cake, dinner, hugs, cards, phonecalls, texts, e-cards, emails, and thoughtful gifts. I didn’t even announce it was my birthday in the blogosphere except in one location for a specific reason, but word got out and then I received a ton of SWEET WONDERFUL birthday wishes from my bloggy family too, which absolutely melted my heart and put a cherry on my sundae. I even got this handmade card from Lizzi on Facebook! I couldn’t stop smiling.
* ICE ICE BABY! No, not the rap song. Although I hear Vanilla Ice can re-do a house like a mofo. Real ice! We have cold weather and the kids got a snow day! I know this is usually a terrible thing with the roads being dangerous, travel plans being ruined, power outages and the like. And those things are AWFUL, but I’m talking about the sledding my kids have been doing for two days. They are so damn HAPPY and CUTE all bundled up with rosy cheeks and smiley faces. We are blessed to be in a warm, safe home. I’m so very thankful for that.
*GLITTER! And the English bloggy friends that come with it. I got a beautiful, sparkly card in the mail yesterday, but didn’t see it till this morning. As soon as I eyed some glitter my gut yelled, “Get that over the sink – it’s from LIZZI!!!” Thank goodness I listened as it exploded with bits of confetti stars and glittery goodness! A handmade Lizzi card filled with funny Christmas wishes (that only she and I could understand, of course!) for me and my family. She.Won. Mail. Forever.
*Keurig coffee makers. Because they also make hot chocolate cups, and this is infinitely easier to make for the increasing number of children that have come in/out of my house since the ice storm hit. I happen to be “that” house on our block. You know, the one where ALL the kids end up, which I adore, but I also need to be ready with snacks and drinks when they come in thirsty and hungry! It takes forever to heat up four + hot chocolates (with marshmallows of course) in the microwave! Thank you Keurig for making my life so much easier!
*Birthday money. Cuz momma needed new running shoes. Cuz life is full of 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances, which I’m also thankful for (hey, this one counts as two!) And maybe I will need those runnin’ shoes soon. *Chants: I will get outta this funk, I will get outta this funk*
*Wine
*Wine
*Wine (shut up. I’m really thankful for wine)
*Movies and Books. Because I love to escape. I love stories. Did I ever tell you all that I thought of that as a name for a kid – “Story”? I remember telling my husband I thought it would be the coolest name, maybe for a girl. I was afraid it was too feminine to be a boy’s name. THEN, Jenna Elfman (Dharma of Dharma and Greg) named her son Story like 2 years later! I know! I’m so money and I don’t even know it!
That’s it peeps! If you wanna be part of THE MOST supportive and fun blog community, RUN to link up with Ten Thing of Thankful!! RIGHT HERE. You will never, ever regret it!
As a reminder, here were your choices:
1. I once won $1,000 with a scratch off lottery ticket
2. I’ve been sky diving
3. I was expelled from high school my senior year
4. I graduated college cum laude
5. I smoked my first cigarette at the age of eight
6. I once had my tongue pierced
A Summary Of Your Guesses
Only one person thought the lie was that I graduated college with honors. The most guesses goes to the lie being me expelled from high school. Thanks for the votes of confidence! The second highest number of guesses went to the lie being me sky diving. Do I look chicken to you people? The remaining three were literally tied with four guesses each for the lie being me winning the money, smoking a cig at eight, or my tongue being pierced.
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AND NOW FOR THE TRUTH
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DRUMROLL PLEASE
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For those of you who thought me winning the money was a lie…. WRONG. I did actually win a $1000 on a measly little scratch off! For as long as I can remember, my dad has put lottery tickets in our birthday and Christmas cards. One Christmas I scratched mine off and YOWZA! Talk about surprised! We had to drive to some office and get the money because it was too much for the little mart where he’d bought them to pay out. After taxes I still got around $900. I gave my brother $100 cuz I’m kick-ass. I tried to give my dad some but he wouldn’t take it, although he let me buy him dinner with some coaxing. But my brother took the cash. He’s no dummy.
For those of you who thought me having my tongue pierced was the lie…NOPE. When I was about 24 years old I went (during the day, sober) and got my tongue pierced. At that time (this was…ahem…quite some time ago) this was not as prevalent a piercing for women as it was for men, and certainly not with anyone I knew so I shocked some people for sure. I waitressed at the time so it was a conversation starter to say the least! I wore it for several years. In fact, I had it when I met Jim! I honestly can’t remember what made me finally take it out. I guess I got tired of it.
For the one person (elleroy!) who hoped the lie was that I graduated cum laude (her logic being the truth was I actually graduated magna cum laude…sneaky!), this one was actually TRUE. It didn’t come easy, and I believe it was the result of my major being something I truly loved, but I actually did manage honors in Environmental Science. Proof that no matter how effed-up someone is when they’re a kid…there’s always hope. Woop!
Alyson…I’m sorry in advance…but the one about me smoking a cigarette at eight years old? Totally FACTUAL. I know. Awful. Both my parents smoked. My brother and I were left alone a lot. These were the latch-key days. We were little hoodlums. What will the mice do when the cat’s away? Smoke their parents’ cigarettes, that’s what. And this was when my parents were still together. After the divorce, we were really alone a lot. That’s when the trouble doubled….
Which brings me to the one about being expelled my senior year of high school. YEP. Totally true. I was expelled because I never came back after my out-of-school suspension, which I received for never completing several back-to-back in-school suspensions, which I received for skipping class. Incidentally, Jim and I went to the same HS and I remember him from suspension our junior year! (I was a frequent flyer) We were soul-troublemaker-mates! ANYway, I obviously was going through some tough times at home and otherwise. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?
*sidenote: That summer I got a job, borrowed a little money from my grandma and got some sweet wheels (Sweet is relative. It was a used VW Rabbit), enrolled in an alternative school, and worked my ass off to graduate only three months after my friends. LIKE A BOSS.
So that leaves only one thing! The BIG FAT HAIRY LIE! I have never, ever been sky diving! This was second highest in guesses so kudos to you all! I have no desire to sky dive; however, I would choose it over bungee jumping every single time. WILL NOT bungee. No way. Could vomit just thinking about it. I can actually see the appeal in sky diving. I don’t think I’ll ever do it, but I’d also never say never. Except about bungee jumping. Never.
Thanks for playing along everyone! I hope that was as much fun for you as it was for me! #ThatsWhatSheSaidLastNight #Sorry #HadTo
Are any of these your truths? Do you have things in your life that are stranger than fiction? Have you ever had to tell a white lie that snowballed into a big one? I heart your comments BIG!
I’d call it stealing if I hadn’t received permission, but would’ve done it regardless because it’s brilliant and ridiculous fun! In honor of Aussa over at Hacker, Ninja, Hooker, Spy, I bring you my own truth/lie post:
Five of the following facts about me are the truth. One is NOT. Can you guess which one is the lie? (Friends of mine who read my blog….no cheating!)
1. I once won $1,000 with a scratch off lottery ticket.
2. I’ve been sky diving.
Like this. But with screaming and vomit
3. I was expelled from High School my Senior year.
I was probably headed here
4. I graduated college Cum Laude.
Turns out I DO have a brain!
5. I had my first cigarette at the age of eight.
got a light?
6. I once had my tongue pierced
cuz I always make awesome decisions
That’s it, folks! Can you guess the fib? Do you have any truths that are stranger than fiction? Can’t wait to hear your guesses!
Beth Teliho 